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Another Baby?

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Before I start, I expect this thread to be a little controversial but I genuinely want to bounce this off people who know what its like to be a parent to a child with ASD. In my opinion, theres no better place than this.

 

Dh and I always wanted a big family. I'm the youngest of 14 and whilst we weren't quite THAT ambitious, we thought 3 or 4 would be perfect for us. B)

 

Tyler was born and I immediately knew there would be another pretty quickly. It took 4 years to fall pregnant with Tyler so at only 5 months old, his baby sister Emma was conceived. We were delighted to be having another baby and ecstatic when we realised it was a girl and we would have one of each.

 

Cut a long story short, we BOTH want another baby, possibly 2, but we are so worried about any difficulties that baby might have. With any pregnancy you worry that the baby will be OK, and there are far worse things than ASD, I know, BUT the fact still remains that we have one child with high functioning ASD. If we had another child are the odds much higher now of having another with ASD, potentially low functioning?

 

If another baby came along by accident and was severely autistic, we would love that child as any parent would, but our lives are difficult, I work full time and we have 2 gorgeous kids. I don't think anyone on here would argue that raising a child with ASD is harder than raising a child without (and if anyone does think that, I'm sorry) so do we stick with 2 kids and consider ourselves blessed? (I know we are)

 

There is another idea that has been battering round my brain. We have had 1 NT daughter and 1 ASD son and I know ASD is more common in boys than girls, so should we consider gender selection and ensure we have a girl?

 

Told you it might be a bit controversial..........but I DO value your views.

>:D<<'> :notworthy:>:D<<'> :notworthy:>:D<<'> :notworthy:>:D<<'>

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Well I was sterilised this year, so having another isn't an option for us as we only wanted two children. However had we decided on three I think I would have gone ahead with a third pregnancy regardless of Logans problems - It is possibly easier for me to say that at the moment though, because Logan is only just 2, and although he is definitely hard work, the extent of his problems isn't clear yet.

 

Re gender selection, we did it using natural methods. We had a daughter and wanted a son. People are skeptical about whether it works or whether its chance but it 'seemed' to work for us. I think the key is though that we would have been happy with another girl also. I can't make up my mind how I feel about medical gender selection. I can understand why people would want to do it, but it just doesn't feel 'right' iyswim.

 

Good luck in deciding!

 

Lynne

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I agree, there is something strange about it, and if Tyler were NT as Emma is, I wouldn't mind what sex the next one was, but I don't want to make our lives even harder by having another child with ASD and on the face of it, a girl would be less likely to be affected.

 

Although it is by no means a guarantee.....we may have another boy naturally who is NT or a girl by selection who has ASD! :wacko:

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Hi TM

 

It is not for us to tell you what is right or wrong, we all have our own oppinions and all of them valuable.

 

I have 4 children. 3 girls and then 1 boy. My first has dyslexia, second has AS third NT then the boy who is also on the spectrum.

 

When we had our second DD we said if she had been our first we wouldn't have had any more ;) then we had another 2. Our dd, although very difficult as a young child has grown into a much beter person. She still has her little quirks and drives us mad at times but is much more tolerable.

 

On the other hand Ben who is now nearly 5 was and still is hard work but he is easier to deal with as we have been there before and know much more than we did with dd.

 

I think what I am saying is, whatever you get you will deal with it and life will take on it's own kind of normality. Even if others don't think so you are living in a "normal" family, "normal" for you.

 

Hope I've made sense, funny how I know what I mean but no one else does :lol:

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Thanks Viper. I'm not really asking what I should do, more just seeking alternative opinions really!

 

I totally agree with you that normal is different for every family. The other thing that worries me is that I am neurotic at the best of times but know how much it would drive me mad to be watching for the first few years for any sign that he/she might be ASD/AS/PDD whatever.

 

If we DO have another, by natural selection/medical selection/accident or otherwise, then it won't be for a few years anyway!

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Hi

 

This is such a huge issue without the ASD/gender selection question.

 

Just take the working mum - small children - financial considerations triangle. :wacko:

 

In our house we have just one child. Partly this is financial, partly it is because my dh has health problems and I don't think I could cope with managing 2 on my own and the house etc, working when he is having a bad patch. During which he can work but that is about it. Financially we need him to do this more than anything else. Partly it is down to the fact that ds seems to be harder work than other children. All the issues intermingle.

 

At the moment it is quite hard for me as two close friends have gorgeous babies and another is planning another child soon. I love the babies and remember the joyous early stages but reality kicks in and I doubt I could do it again.

 

I don't know that gender selection would work for us. Well actually may be it would. I have been known to say I would have another if it was another boy. Keep that quiet, MIL would be mortified that I don't want a girl she can buy cute dresses for....... Again it is practicality that drives this. Bedroom and house space requirements.

 

If I am honest and I did not have to be realistic I would have another. Plenty of people manage. But then I think I don't want to just manage.....

 

Good luck with your decision. Personally I can understand the purpose of gender selection for medical reasons. I doubt I would take this course myself. In our house the chance of having a girl with ASD or something else to add to our trials would be too high........... ;)

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We have four children, two on the spectrum, all vary close together in age (range from 2 to 7) . The fourth child wasn't planned.

 

It is all very expensive and ###### hard work at times, but I don't feel we should have stopped earlier. We're definitely stopping at 4 though!

 

Simon

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Klou,

 

Understand your point. I earn a good salary - enough for us to buy a fairly large house and dh doesn't have to work so stays home with the kids, so finance isn't even part of the issue, which is fortunate.

 

The issue really is just around 3 kids, 2 with ASD (potentially) !

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..in which case if you deep down want another child for whatever reason I would say go ahead and do it. One thing that keeps haunting me is the will I regret it if I don't argument.

 

You never know what you are going to get in life and I am a great believer in intuition. If you think it is right for your family and only you can judge that, then I think you should go with that.

 

I still don't know about the gender selection. I would want to look closely at the family tree into eccentric aunts to assess whether some form of ASD is likely to effect any girls.

 

I always thought I would have three or four children, having also said I wasnt having any! Life changes your perspective.

 

I think there is something called genetic counselling during which you can discuss the chances and prospect of different genetic disorders. May be this would be good for you.

 

Sometimes it makes you wonder whether all the information available is a good or bad thing. Maybe it would be better to be able to take whatever comes along and save the agonising. Sounds like you do as much of it as we do in our house.

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As Viper so rightly stated, it is YOUR decision and if you feel you can take on another, whether ASD or NT, then go for it. :)

 

I only have 1 son so I can't really comment. I'd love another but chances are, by the time I meet 'daddy', I'll be well passed my use by date!! LOL and even if it were to happen, then chances are, we'd have an NT child b/c it's my belief that Tyler inherited this from his father's side of the family where there are immediate family members with classical autism and HFA.

 

All the best with what you decide. Go with your heart!! >:D<<'>

Edited by Tylers-mum

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I have three children

 

One has As & one has ASD

 

I still would have three...but I wish I was told that about having another autistic boy was high, something like 1/75 chance, but it was never mention even though they knew about O dx

 

I remember lying with T in my arms thinking he would be NT ...thne two years later he had DX.....I went through the same upset again.....where if I knew the chances were higher...I think emotiontal I would have beeen stronger...if it makes sense...

 

Would love to have another girls....just so R has a sister.....

 

BUT finance, needing a bigger house AND REALLY BAD PND puts me off

 

 

 

 

I let your heart rule this one....

Edited by mrs q

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We can all rationalise with this for hours but I always go with my heart and my instinct, somehow this usually helps me make the right decision.

 

We have two sons who both have their own problems and have been really hard work but I love them both deeply, even my stepson, and I have grown and become a better person because of them. The only reason I would hesitate before having another child is because of the difficulties that child themselves might face but I don't think that would stop me. I think that the things I have learnt from our two boys would enable me to support another child better and I certainly know the systems that I would have to fight better.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

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Hi

 

I have 3 - the first with AS, and problems since babyhood.

 

I don't know whether you have a significantly higher chance of having another child with an ASD than the average person - I suspect the research work hasn't been done on this one. However, common sense suggests that if there is a genetic link in autism, then your chances of having a second affected child are increased - but by how much?

 

You could ask yourself what the probable worst-case scenario is - eg a second child with AS, who presents with significant and demanding difficulties. Would your world fall apart? If you think not, then go with your heart - you might regret it otherwise.

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Having two with ASD I realise that kids with ASD very much need and expect one to one attention. Now I know that all other kids should have the same but KIDS with ASD are certainly more demanding of your attention.

 

It's sometimes very difficult to accomodate both and find quality time for both. That very often means that Hubby and I follow different paths with the two boys as they have very little in common with each other. They also have zero tolerance of each other most times and know just how to press each others explosive buttons just for fun. I do know some kids with AD who are best buddies, but not mine. That makes life VERY difficult sometimes. Had I known that David had AS before becoming pregnant with Matthew would I still of gone ahead? Probably not :( That must sound dreadful as I love Matthew dearly, but I can not be everything to both of them at the same time and that certainly leaves it's toll.

 

As has been said follow your gut as we none of us can walk in each others shoes.

 

Carole

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Personally I won't have another one, my sons way too sensitive with baby cries for a start, they send him into meltdown within about 10 seconds.

 

As everyone has said its your decision.

 

I've only ever spoken in person to one lady with several children on te spectrum, she has 3. The response I got from her was its easier, makes life easier as she knows how they will react to certain things, reliance on routine etc, and all being unsociable they don't tend to pester each other. Personally I don't think I could cope, but she has done amazingly.

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Hi , its a really hard decision for you.I have 3 kids, the eldest a boy with ASD/AS.The second a girl and the third a boy.We only discovered the true extent of Jacks problems after I was pregnant with our 3rd.Would I have gone for the 3rd baby knowing what I know now.......yes absolutely :wub: .I feel very blessed to have all my kids, none of it is easy and there is never a gaurantee.My daughter was born with a serious foot deformity which even now requires hospital treatment and she needed extensive surgery to enable her to walk, her condition is con-genital and we had genetic counselling.It helped so I,d definitely recommend it we were referred via our GP.You never know how life will pan out wishing you all the best >:D<<'>

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Hi TylersMum....I knew there was something up with my second child when I got pregnant with my third (totally planned I must add). I think what swung it for me was that I knew each child was different and that I had just as much chance as having an easy child third time round as I did having a difficult one. On the up side, even though my third child also turned out to be ASD he has been, and continues to be, an absolute joy and I would have made the same dicision if I could turn back the clock.

 

Lauren

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Thanks for all your replies - I knew this was the right place to bring it up. In my heart of hearts I think that because Tyler is ASD, maybe Emma does lose out a little with attention, and if we had another, more severe ASD child then Tyler wouldn't get as much as he gets now and Emma would get even less.

 

Fortunately my two get on, they might sometimes have a ikkle fight, but they, thats kids! They are generally great together and I don't want to spoil that.

 

I feel guilty enough about going to work, without having to split my time with them 3 ways instead of just 2.

 

I don't think I am as keen as dh to have more - he is adamant, ASD or no ASD that he wants more kids, and his argument is that HE is the one at home with them. What he doesn't seem to grasp is the effect it may have on the whole family :wallbash:

 

Anyway, thanks >:D<<'> for your views, they help. :clap:

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I've got 6 children; 4 boys and 2 girls.I only have one child on the ASD spectrum.

 

I think,that in truth,life itself is a risk and there are no guarantees one way or the other.I'm glad that I've got all my children.They are all unique and they all bring their own challenges and joys.xx

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Interesting question and one we are considering

 

DS1 is nearly 4, looks like he'll have mild ASD/AS. Ds 2 is nearly one, seems NT but know it is too early to tell. I'd love a third but do worry about the consequences sof it. I have a lovely family at the moment, life is settled and I worry that say something happened to me in the pregnancy or I had a child with serious disabilities I would wreck the family harmony we have at the moment. As a separate issue the recurrence of ASD does concern me, partly because it seems to be a lot higher in families than the 2-5% quoted and partly because several of H's family member have AS-traits so the genetics are there. It's not so much worrying about having another child like DS1 though you do want your children to have the easier path through life if possible. it's the fear I might have a child much more severely affected that really concerns me.

 

However I don't feel 'done' yet and would dearly love another. Also I have seen the beneficial effect a sibling has had on DS1 and I think another sibling would do him good. Also assuming DS2 is NT I'd like him to experience a NT sibling as well. Although the family genetics are there it doesn't really seem to have impaired the affected family members who are successful and happy so hope if a third child did have ASD he/she would be able to have a full future too.

 

Liz

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I think this is a decision everyone has to make for themselves. I was a happy only child and never felt the desire to have a large family. Until my AS daughter was about 6 we thought we would also stop at one child - we had such a close relationship with her. I had no concept of parents being able to have enough love for two as I had never had to share mine with a sibling.

 

I'm glad we did go on to have my son, (8 years after the first), who is a boy (surprisingly :rolleyes: ) and NT. Would we have had him if my daughter had been dx earlier, knowing what we know now? I honestly don't know!

 

Never been the slightest bit tempted to go for a third - not that keen on babies, except on short term loan!

 

Too much of an old hag now, anyway. :lol:

Edited by Kathryn

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I AM pregnant with my 4th baby (around 14 weeks) - unplanned. :sick::wacko:

 

I already have a dd who is 5 with no problems, my ds1 is 4 and an HFA with Speech and Language disorder and dyspraxia and ds2 is nearly 2 and just a complete nutter but with NO speech (no dx yet).

 

I am currently in the process of getting ds1 a statement and admitted to our local excellent SN school - needless to say I really don't need this at the moment (just one or two to many hormones floating around).

 

I am going through the psychological stuff with ds1 and I have been through the medical stuff with ds2 (pyloric stenosis and 1 kidney). I have coped and as a family we are getting by - albeit by the skin of our teeth at times.

 

I belong to a forum of special needs kids and to be honest I often think 'how do these women cope with such ill children'.

 

I won't hide the fact that I have had a CVS and genetic testing to rule out such things as CP and Downs (plus loads of others) and that has come out OK (I do not know what I would have done if it was a bad result). BUT I do not deny the huge feeling of relief when I was told the baby was a girl as I had heard that you were a lot more likely to have another child with an ASD once you had already had one. On the other hand, I know at least four little girls who have 'severe' AS.

 

Who knows what cards we will be dealt with number four but now she is on her way, we will love her and cope with all the stuff that comes with her - AND I will NOT be having any more after. :rolleyes:

 

Sam

x

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I have a boy of 5 who is asd & then a girl of 3 who is nt.

We really wanted 3 & I was so worried about how it would be with another as Samuel has many problems.

I wnet through all the ideas when pregnant about how it would be with another child if it was a boy or girl and how it would be. I wished for a girl so much & then found out it was a boy and at first I was really depressed about it & had a real feeling of doom as if it was all going to be downhill.

Thomas arrived 5 months ago & at the mo seems to be very different from Samuel but only time will tell. I do spend each day watching him though and wondering how is going to be. With Samuel however he did alter after the mmr so I wont give that to Thomas.

I think as long as you have enough love and patience to go round then they will all feel wanted and special in their own way.

I have to admit that its a juggling act trying to give them all some attention and now the nights and days seem to pass by in a flash! I am always tired and have no time to myself but thats my choice I guess.

However school is back so at least I can stop running for 30 seconds each day.

I would love another but I know physically I cannot so thats my lot!!!

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Nikki,

 

Thanks so much for your post; its tough and I think I would also struggle with my emotions if I found out I was having a boy.

 

Can also see your point about each being special - I wouldn't change my kids for the world.

 

Nicki

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I did decide to have another baby after ellie was born, but unfortunatly he had downs syndrome and died at 15 weeks. we had a post mortem done.

so i would say proceed with caution on this one as you say you have 2 lovely children now, why tempt fate.

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I don't know wh ether you have a significantly higher chance of having another child with an ASD than the average person - I suspect the research work hasn't been done on this one.  However, common sense suggests that if there is a genetic link in autism, then your chances of having a second affected child are increased - but by how much?

 

We have two boys both with an AS dx and I now cary one as well. there is no doubt where thy got it from. We decided to stick to two and more would mean spredding resources ( our time and welll as money) thiner and thus depribe to very needy litle boys.

 

J

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Its so hard to stick with the same decision. One minute I am thinking that another one wouldn't be so bad even if they were ASD or any other type of SN child - Tylers wonderful. But then I think how hard it would be on the kids I already have and our lives in general - is it selfish to have another, for my own sake? or selfish not to? :wacko:

 

I guess only time will tell. When the time is right we will have the discussion and see how we feel but your comments have helped, so thanks.

 

Another dimension is that our mortgage payments increase in 2 years and our plan has always been that dh will be in full time work then because both kids will be at full time school so another baby would cloud the waters in that respect, although financial considerations are massively high on the agenda.

 

In the meantime I'll enjoy the great kids I have. x

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