Carol Report post Posted December 8, 2004 Lol Baddad - that reminds me of one of our hamster's - it was a great escape artist - gave up sealing all the little tubes up as he chewed through them all the time - the cat got him once & the poor wee thing survived and I nursed it for ages - penicilin injections - creams n ointments - took ages - then it blinkin well escaped again - we found it dead - but there was not a mark on it - I always reckoned that he got out and just saw the cat & just thought - oh no not again & keeled over. Carol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elaine1 Report post Posted December 8, 2004 Baddad, you dont seem to have much luck with furry things lol. Mind you, we dont have that much luck either, thanks for the welcome to the Bat-Cave, The Resuscitator - my spelling is rubbish- ooh can i have an outfit please - not too small, with whip if poss lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 8, 2004 'The R',.....re getting your cossie, I'm afraid they are issued by either Caped Confuser or ASM. Not sure what stock is like, so you may find them giving you BRW's cast-offs!!! D-W Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted December 8, 2004 Hi all, A terrible 'bloke I knew' story ...but true Anyway.. A bloke I worked with was horrified one evening to find his dog squeezing back under his fence with next-door's rabbit in his jaws. (Sorry Robbie!) He noted that the rabbit was not wounded and must have died of shock when 'rover' went for him. He washed off the mud that had adhered to the deceased (he thought) during its journey under the fence and duly waited until the dark of the night. Nipping over the fence himself he returned the spotless bunny to his hutch and then retired to bed. "Surely", he reasoned, "my good friend and neighbour (and his kids) will conclude that bunny simply passed away quietly in his sleep". He was pleased with himself until a few days later when the neighbour (who genuinely suspected nothing) told him of a great mystery that had scared the hell out of his kids. They had gone to play in the garden and discovered their beloved pet stone dead in his hutch... My colleague assumed a 'concerned friend' mien and clucked "The thing is," concluded neighbour, "the rabbit had died the previous afternoon - AND HAD ALREADY BEEN BURIED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN BY THE KIDS!!!" Clearly, Rover had been digging! Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jericho Report post Posted December 12, 2004 I hope no-one's been reading these out to poor young Robbie. I feel certain that "The R" would be more than thrilled to wear some of Blue-Rinse Woman's cast-offs. A woman can't have too many pairs of chin-high spangly bloomers! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 12, 2004 Panto Season Right, I was thinking that it?s that time of year, and following the overwhelming success of the First Year?s production of The Rocky Horror Show; we ought to be giving some thought to a virtual Christmas Panto. So first things first, the cast list: Now, Cinderella?s easy (no ? not that sort of easy!), it?s got to be our fair hostess. Leaving aside her astonishing beauty (puff, puff ? fawn, lick, creep!) it must be considered that we?d none of us be here without her, and that, given the identity of her alter ego, I personally may not be here for much longer if I don?t cast her in the lead role. So, if the hostess with the mostest is Cinderella, the next piece of casting?s a given; Kris: Buttons. Now to my knowledge, even in the most avant-garde of productions, there?s never yet been a part for either �The Mekon Leader� or �Yoda�, or for a character called �Mrs Link�; so what are we going to do with Nellie? I jest, of course? The Fairy Godmother?Trouble is, though, we?ve got some other serious contenders for the role. I think we?re going to have to do a ?sleeping beauty?, and have 3 fairy godmothers. So that?s Nellie, Bid and ? ah? We need a couple of real old hams for the ugly sisters? Hmmm, corny material, end-of-the-pier ?max miller? shtick? Looks like thee and me, Jester? The male lead; Following in TRUE panto tradition, I think we should go for a female male lead (no washed out Aussie Soap stars for us then!). Now the traditional female male lead usually wears white tights and sparkly draws. Anyone know anyone with a pair of white tights and sparkly draws? Step up, Carol J? Sorry? They?re not white tights? Oh dear? Roll on summer, eh? Oh, and perhaps this year we?ll cut the ?trampoline? gag. Don?t want any ?accidents?, do we? BRW ? Baroness Hardupp! Now, coming back to that third Godmother. I rather thought the old Pookster might have been up for it, but as she?s been rather neglecting her online duties I think we should throw it open to a vote. If she shows up again in time I think Pooks?ll have to have it (after all, there?d be no BATCAVE without her), but lets get some serious voting going for this plum role? Oh, Auditions for coachman, horses, ball guests etc take place in the main hall on Thursday. Bring your own pumpkin? PS: Alternative cast lists, production ideas/alternatives (Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged People ? I?m Dopey, Nellie?s Doc? Okay!). PPS: The leading Male WILL be a leading female? we don?t want a queue round the block of potential Prince Charming?s hoping for a surreptitious snog! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 12, 2004 Better start getting ready RIGHT now!!!! I shall go to the Ball!!!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,................ ........................... D-W,.....CINDERELLA,.....THE LEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted December 12, 2004 Oh god, the fame has gone to her head already!! Its gonna be a long Krismas! Buttons!!!!!?????!!!!!! I think you and me need a little word!! "Robbie.... fetch the curling tongs and handcuffs. Baddads off on one again" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 12, 2004 'old up - what's wrong with buttons? He's the nice guy who all the ladies in the audience fancy. And I've cast myself as a fat old camp tart who shouts WHOOPS and shows her bloomers every five minutes (O'er missus, watta ya mean, typecasting, No.No. Titter yeah not etc etc) Right Kris - Wicked stepmother it is... Ever felt like you've been manipulated?! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted December 13, 2004 'old up - what's wrong with buttons? He's the nice guy who all the ladies in the audience fancy. Oh, well, in that case....................... where's my costume. Ummm, hold on a mo, Buttons is the one who NEVER gets the girl!!?! Soddit, typecast again!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lisajb Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Buttons is the things that Hewlett Packard turn their empty ink cartridges into - least according to the recycling envelope in my new one they do! Hee Hee! Lisa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Oh, Just had another thought... NO WAY can we do 'Puss In Boots'. The thought of DW in full length black kinky's, slapping her thigh and saying "20 Miles from London and still no sign of Dick" is just WAY too scary! Spent ink cartridges into buttons? I thought pumpkins into coaches would have been difficult enough to stage manage, but, hey - in the virtual world ANYTHING is possible... Cartridges for fly buttons, a buttonhole minicam, who knows what could develop?! So we still need a wicked stepmother... any volunteers? L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Uh oh, I can see we are going to get complaints at this rate Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted December 13, 2004 My posting on 'Puss in Boots' was half written when I decided not to go there!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted December 13, 2004 (edited) Oooohhh! Fairy Godmother!! I'm so excited ...off to think up a stunning costume for this one! The Female Inquisitor Do Fairy Godmothers wear thongs??!! Edited December 13, 2004 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Hi all Ooo! Ooooooo! An ugly sister ??? Do I get to wear Union Jack knickers and make the joke about "There's many a battle been fought beneath that flag." ?? Can I? Huh? Please can I ? Huh? <rambles on with many a "oo-er missus, no, well I mean yes, ahh, noo you see, ahh me back yes, yes stop tittering there aah no" etc> Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 The Lead!!!! I have the Lead!!!!!!!!! Have I mentioned this before!!??? Must consider my virtual autograph! ,...to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For once, Captain Commando has spoken sense!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lisajb Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Buttonhole minicams? EEEEEEEEEK!!!!! Lisa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Baddad, now look what you?ve done?. Just as I thought, it?s gone right to her head! Life won?t be worth living now!!!! Ah! Not so fast young lady?. (young lady!!! ) You may have the lead role... but... without the Fairy Godmothers you won?t have a dress!! How do you intend getting to the ball, Cinderella? Are you going by bike?!!! Not much chance of you getting four white horses with one hoppin? mad rabbit!!! Fat and Fiendish Fairy Godmother Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Cinderella. Scene one, Act 1 : The Kitchen. As the curtain opens, Cinders is centre stage left, kneeling to clean the fireplace. She is using ROBBIE, her pet Rabbit, as a duster. As she dusts, she is singing gently to herself (The Time Warp), and swinging her rear in time with the rhythm? Enter (stage R) the ugly sisters. Ugly 1 (Trinny) [a ?la Sybil Fawlty]: Oooohhhhh I know??Frightened the life out of me, it did, throbbing away like that? No Way was I going to touch it? Ugly 2 (Susannah): Yes, he must be the worst cobbler in the county. I?m surprised he?s got any fingers left at all? [Pauses, seeing Cinder?s swaying rear end, and nods to direct Trinny?s gaze in the same direction]? Look at that; like two bulldogs fighting in a sack? [shrill and LOUD]? CINDERELLA! CINDERELLA! [Cinders ?jumps? in shock, bashing her head on the inside of the chimney to bring a small soot-fall down on her head. She turns, revealing a soot-smudged face which she wipes with Robbie] Cinder?s: Oh, sorry. I didn?t hear you come in? Trinny: No, I?m not surprised over that horrible noise you were making? Like a hurricane whistling up an aardvark?s bum! Prefer that to singing do you? Cinders [crestfallen and fearful]: Sorry Trinny, Sorry Susannah? It?s just? Well I always sing when I?m working? Or? whistle? Cue Orchestra: �Whistle While You Work�. Cinders bursts [to the utter amazement of the Ugly Sisters, who deadpan looking around for the source of the music] into a spontaneous song and dance routine. After a couple of bars Susannah walks to the edge of the stage, removes a pistol from her frilly UNION JACK bloomers, and shoots into the Orchestra pit [From now on this will be known as �Running Gag 1�] Music runs down as both sisters cry Together: Shuuuuuuuuuuut up!!! Susannah: Wrong Panto. Trinny: Now, Cinders. What have you been doing all day? This place looks like a pigsty. Honestly, you just can?t get the staff. I don?t know? FX: Door knocking. Susannah: Who can that be? Susannah/Trinny [shrill and LOUD]: CINDERELLA! CINDERELLA! Trinny: Answer that door, you lazy good for nothing. [Cinders opens door. Enter MRS LINKS THE POST WOMAN (n.b: MRS LINKS/FAIRY GM 1 Are same person, but in the same way that Batman?s mask completely conceals his identity, all players remain unaware of this fact] Mrs Links: A message from the palace I bring An invite from his Maj, the King To join him for the Royal ball On Saturday night in the village hall (?Cos the palace floor?s in need of waxing Since Baroness Hardupp bought that Dachshund) And here?s the bit that?s out of sight The prince will choose a bride that night From all the maidens gathered there He?ll chose the one he deems most fair So come fair maids throughout the land to try to win the Prince?s hand And do not worry if thoust?s not chosen You could still cop off with his randy cousin? (Oh come on ? what were you expecting, Shakespeare?) Trinny/Susannah: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fancy! Susannah: Come on, come on ? let?s get down to the shops before the rush starts. Everyone will be looking for a new frock to wear, we?ve gotta get in quick? [The sister?s start to bustle off, but are interrupted by Cinders] Cinders [Pathetic] : Oh, can I come? May I? Please? The message did say EVERYONE was invited? Trinny [Aghast]: What, you? YOU? YOU??? Why, you?re nothing but an old scrubber, woman?[pauses, looking puzzled. Reaches into knickers and with a flourish produces a wad of papers boldly marked �SCRIPT� (Hereinafter Running Gag 2). Leafs through a couple of pages then reads] What you? YOU? YOU??? Why, you?re nothing but an old SCRUBBER-WOMAN? [sisters, chattering inanely, exit stage left. Cinders, weeping [Pathetic cow! Get a spine, woman!!] collapses on floor, while MRS LINK/FGM looks on benevolently] Fade to black then back up rapidly. Time has passed. MRS LINK/FGM has gone, Cinders has sobbed herself to sleep. Enter BUTTONS? Right, Dear Reader, If any of you have been arsed enough to read this far you can now enter Baddad's amazing CHRISTMAS COMPETITION!!! Continue this panto, in not less than ten thousand words, to its conclusion and I will send you an e-mail containing a jpeg of an ENGLISH FIVE POUND NOTE! Team efforts will be accepted, so if you want to write one scene then pass the baton on, feel free. Come on, it is Christmas! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Cinders: SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFFF,.......... Robbie: Atishooooooo,...... Looking up to the sky, I ask myself why, Has life dealt me this card When I'm not really hard,....enough!! Thank Gawd for Robbie my loveable piece of fluff,...... Whistle, whistle,.... BD, I'm no script writer!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 F and FF Godmother!!!! You're meant to be on my side!!!! I will give you a signed program, in return for my dress!! Have you any idea how popular I am? Have you any idea how many people will want MY autograph?! Have I told you,... I,...yes, that's ME,....got the LEAD!!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Your inability to rhyme Really is a crime, My problem, Elefan, Has always been more to do with the meter and the scan. PS: as far as the HARD ENOUGH goes, take another look at your Avatar. I also seem to remember a rumour about you abseiling down K2 with a camping gaz cooker down your knickers (Oooohhh Matron). You're fooling no one, hen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 F and FF Godmother,.....have you seen my avatar!!?? It might work you know!!! Aur ye willin' tae tak' the chance?!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Oh dear, I really have unleashed a monster, haven't I! Elefan - your fired! Autograph, shmortagraph! You are but the clay I am the potter... Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh God! This is catching... Elefan, you're re-instated... wouldn't want anyone thinking it was me who had the bighead PS: FGM: The dress - can you arrange it so she finishes up with the back tucked down her knickers? That's MY kind of punchline, and no less than she deserves! FGM 2: NO! Fairy God Mothers DO NOT wear thongs... Not on stage, anyway... but if you come to my dressing room after the show, you might get the lead next year Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Right,.......an idea!!!!! BD, as you seem to be the director of this shambles (it will never be ready for Christmas!!), howz about we rename Cinders!!? I was thinking along the lines of 'Fiery Cinders'!!!! Fire,...Cinders, gettit?? <I'm so funny!! They are all going to be begging for my autograph!> The 'fiery' would reflect the sudden turn of events at the end of the Panto when 'F and FF Godmother' refuses to cough up the promised dress. Fiery Cinders star-bursts out of her cellar, runs many miles, leaps across rivers, swims past crocodiles, pole vaults into the Hall, then abseils down into the arms of Prince Charming!!? I don't think it is too far fetched,.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 How about 'fiery' as in the sense that she finishes up as a burnt out old bag lady who dies in agony following a terrible meths and woodbine incident... a sort of 'Edna the inebriate woman' for the 21st century. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, the power's going to my head; I can see why BM and DW get off on it. Thinks: Work into script "It's snot - snot from yer noses!" Dear old Patricia - better by far than she was ever credited! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 I QUIT!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted December 13, 2004 (edited) ACT 1 SCENE - ERM meanwhile in a local forest glade enter Prince Charming and Dandini (Doublet and fishnets obligatory... pray, Bid, open a window, has it become a trifle warm in here?) Prince Charming <slaps thigh> "Ouch. Well Dandini...after a day's huntin' around the bush, there's nothin' I like more than to swap identities with an old mate and pass unnoticed amongst the 'common folk' to see how much they love me!" Dandini <slaps thigh> "Ouch. (Now known as Running Gag 3) Cor blimey and ain't I a simple fellow, strike a light yer 'ighness." Prince Charming Running Gag 3 "Dandini old chap...you're a girl, dressed as a man, but still showing an unconscienable amount of thigh and you over-emphasise the 'titties' part of 'identities' for a cheap panto laugh NOT A RUNNING GAG, PLEASE GOD - you are a long way from being 'a simple fellow'. Dandini An it please, your highness, it shall be unto me that thy wish is as much a desire an it be mine own, forsooth, nonny nonny tish pish nuncle! Prince Charming Allright, love, we all know you carried a spear at the National last year in Tightarse Andronicus ...no need to build your part up. Dandini For gawd's sake love, don't let Baddad get a whiff of 'build your part up' ...we'll never get out of a "running gag" loop if 'e does. Prince Charming Running gag 3 You're right, old friend...back to the script. Dandini There's a Script ?? Prince Charming - ignoring her/him Indeed so - let us swap clothes now...and identities. Then let us see what the future holds. Dandini - with a sense of dawning horror Baddad and Jester are writing parts of this... and you (or one of THEM) is suggesting that two fit young women alone in the woods start swapping clothes. Can't you SEE where this is going? Your 'Ighness???? Prince Charming - confidently Christmas is a time for the children ...surely they wouldn't ...? Dandini <A smouldering look followed by Running Gag 3> Prince Charming - to author You Bas.. CURTAIN DOWN Jester Edited December 13, 2004 by Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted December 13, 2004 PS: FGM: The dress - can you arrange it so she finishes up with the back tucked down her knickers? That's MY kind of punchline, and no less than she deserves! YES!!! Better still I can arrange for the back to be tucked down her knickers with toilet paper hanging out!!! Sin Sinders!! You can't quit, where's all the fight gone now, lost your bottle wuman!! Frightened your gonna look a fool?? You've heard of the Godfather, well prepare to meet the Godmother!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 I STILL QUIT!!! Buttons?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,.............. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Ladies and gentleman, We would like to apologise for the unexpected turn that this topic has taken and assure all our (sane) members that those responsible will be dealt with and offered the help and support that they so desparately need In the meantime we suggest that our members book up to see a real panto at the earliest opportunity. Anything with Christopher Biggins or Frank Bruno will be fine. Alternatively I'm told that Jim Davidson does a rather interesting panto DVD (available on the top shelf of all good video outlets) Fear ye not, the men in white suits are coming to take em all away and not a moment to soon Kris "Bah Humbug" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elefan Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Says a man with an avatar like that!!!!!! SNORRTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear that panto's with Joe Persquale are the biggie for this year!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Don't worry Hen I'm sure she'll relent later and post a link to WWW. primadonnasincrisis.com Bog roll/knickers... Yoda, you have a 'darkside'... Elefan - you can't quit... you're fired again... Jester - you're hired! Patricia - you're still sorely missed... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Do you know, Joe Pasquale gets SOOO annoyed when people spell his name wrong that he starts singing; "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh "I know a song that'll get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves/get on yer nerves, I know a song that'll get on yer nerves, get get get on yer nerves.........Ohhhhhhh........ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted December 13, 2004 INSANITY QUOTIENT is 6 and rising!!! When it hits 8 I suggest we all run for cover as I daresay Baddad will be about to explode (possibly into song.... god help us all) I would also like to point out that, as yet, no rabbits have been harmed in the making of this topic, at least...not physically!! Bah Humbug Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Looks like the Batcave's back in business. Hurrah I know it's Krism-mas and all, but can we sustain this level of BD 'gravy' consumption for 11 more days? Blimey...it's Monday. Off to bed. Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Oh heck.... its reached 8!!!! Run fer yer lives!!! Bah Humbug Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted December 13, 2004 Kris - My dial goes up to ELEVEN... You have been warned! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted December 13, 2004 He'll never be able to keep it up!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites