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Thank you so much for a wonderful read.


From your point of view it was probably sheer hell. Me? I'm grinning from ear to ear!! :D



Ever thought of writing a book?



Nellie. x

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Baddad You have my sympathies. :rolleyes: now i know its not just us.....

Before i joined this site i thought much of what kieran did was pretty unique and thought that no other family on the face of the earth could live in such maddness (albeit happy maddness) ((well most of the time anyway))


Our morning doesnt contain slugs :sick: lol, but its equally frustrating !!


At 7.30 we make loads of noise, because if you wake kieran up by gently shaking him, chances are you are in for a bad day.. contact before he has had chance to open his eyes is never a good idea.


"come on spud are your eyes open yet?"

"EYES yep, can i stroke your eyes?"

"not yet mate, i need them to make breakfast"

"can i eat them for breakfast?"

"no no no i didnt mean that, i meant i need them to seeeee with, to make breakfast"..

"come on then, dont want to be late again do we?"

"ok, just need a wee"

Kieran paddles off to the bathroom and promply turns on the water


"i thought you said you were going for a wee?"

"i am"

"the toilet is over there"

"im washing my hands"

"go for a wee and then wash your hands"

he shakes his hands dry then paddles off for a wee, i go down to get on with breakfast, while steve makes the drinks


10 Minutes later

"KIERANNNNN Come and get your breakfast"

no reply

"kierannnnn its time to eat, come on,"

"Im washing my hands"

Manually remove child from bathroom, narrowly averting disaster as keiran has made a makeshift plug out of the flannel

"eat up your breakfast then"

"i want my lemon"

"not for breakfast mate"

"need the lemon"

"nooooo cornflakes"

eats a handful of cornflakes with no use of a spoon, egdes towards the fridge and removes his lemon (he loves lemon and will lick it the same way the other two lick a lollypop)


MEANWHILE, I make sure liam (eldest) has everything, books, bags, sport stuff, dinner money, pencil case, directions for school (he is prone to getting lost)

WHILST, trying to explain to Shauna (middle lamb) that I didnt GIVE kieran aspergers and HER dyslexia, its just the way they were all made, Which sets off a discussion about DNA and genetics, Stopping short of going all the way to the birds and bees, which i have no intention of discussing at 8 in the morning to my 7 year old daughter. I shake my head and get back on track.. realise kieran has dissapeared and find him in the bedroom playing james bond on the nintendo......


"come on mate, where are your clothes?"

"dunno.. want to go in the air vent"

"its a game kieran you cant go in the air vent"

"get me to toilets then"

Grab control and swiftly move james bond into the toilets of a high rise building situation, passing the observed air vent.. give kieran control back

"As soon as you have got killed i want you to get dressed ok?"





Shrink out of bedroom, slurp coffe and make sure shauna has everthing she needs. Make packup for spud, Steve meanwhile tries his approach on kieran, and 20 minutes later Kieran appears all bright and shiny, as a damp steve appears beside him, kieran kells me "daddy got me washed, "Not before he washed me" steve says shaking water out of his hair..


"Come on then lets hit the door"

Realise my mistake and promptly change the wording before kieran follows out my order

"dad, can i go down the drain?"

"no mate, its dirty down there"

"rats live there"

"well rats are dirty"

"i like rats"

"yes i know mate, come on then, you cant stand looking at the drains today, we are late"

"can i have a bouncy castle for my birthday?"

"no, it will be too cold. your birthday is in january"

"i dont want my birthday in january"

"well thats when you were born"

"i want to be born on shaunas birthday"

"well its too late now mate you are here"

"can i have a bouncy castle tonight then?"

"no kieran"


"because they cost money and anyway its not as simple as that"


"ooohhh look over there, isnt that danielle from your class"

"yeah but mum, i need a wee"

"when we get to school"

"ill wash my hands"


Finally arrive at school, with seconds to spare... deposit shauna in the correct door, turn on heel, and take kieran into the toilets, where he washes his hands, in all three sinks, shakes hands dry, gets more soap, washes in the last sink, turns around, uses both hand dryers, Looks at the grate in the floor to make sure the water is going down, shakes hands, and leaves the toilet. ..... Remembers he hasnt had a wee, goes back has a wee, repeats all the above steps, and FINALLY goes into class... PHEW.


"Good morning Kieran"

kieran looks blankly at his teacher

"put your things away and come and sit down"

Kieran sits with his back to the teacher, whilst telling the boy next to him that he has just washed his hands, and that he is getting a bouncy castle for his birthday,"

"Bye Kieran have a good day"


NO reply...... oh well, heres going home for strong coffe, and no doubt to start the mopping up process.


This must explain why my hair is grey and lifeless !!! :oops:

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he shakes his hands dry then paddles off for a wee...


"As soon as you have got killed i want you to get dressed ok?"

1) Ben usually has a wee then 'paddles off' - his aims not all it could be...

2) With us it's "if you don't get dressed you will be killed". I expect the end results the same though - you getting him dressed in three seconds flat 5 minutes AFTER you were supposed to leave!


**Thanks for sharing your morning with me; a delight**


Now, whats all these :sick: emoticons everyones posting about Sluggy? Even slugs have feelings you know! It can't be that unusual to keep them as pets - Baldrick had one. Why do they sell slug pellets if people don't keep and feed them? That said, I don't think Sluggy likes 'em... I put a couple out the other day and he hardly touched them. Not seen hide nor hair of him (a hairy slug? Now stop being silly!) since so I expect he's having a sulk. Hope he comes back soon - Ben would be terribly upset if anything happend to him...


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Now dont get me wrong LOL

Now, whats all these  emoticons everyones posting about Sluggy?


I have nothing against sluggies, or snails, i even take to walking on the road when it has been raining, i am prone to feeding them a pellet or two with a pinch of salt thrown in for good measure !!

However, I wouldnt keep one as a pet, not for the fact that they are slimey and incredibly squishy, but kieran would have it for breakfast, especially if it has eyes!! No No No all our pets have to be caged ones, for their own protection.

We have 2 hamsters and 2 mice, and even then i can only safely get them out after he has gone to sleep...


Have you ever tried to race a slug :whistle: Amusing !! :rolleyes:




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Thankfully we're a slug-free zone. 'Orrible things. :sick:


I did have to laugh at my 'dear' husband the other day when he tried to scrape up a large doggy-do that was festering by our bin. It was only when it moved that he realised that it was a particularly large and revolting slug. :lol::lol::lol:


Poor man hasn't been the same since........ :lol:

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1) Cough massively while holding your head VERY tightly at the temples to stop it exploding.

2) Try (unsuccessfully) to sleep before eventually concluding that your cough is ?dark sensitive? (i.e.: it gets worse every time you close your eyes).

3) Try (unsuccessfully) to sleep with your eyes open.

4) Sing �Mad World� in the vocal style of ?Newt? (�Mostly, they come at night?mostly�) from Alien 2.

5) Listen to Maroon 5. Quietly.

6) Drink copious quantities of tea.

7) Read David Nobbs? autobiography. In short bursts. Between doses of max-strength paracetamol.

8) Make yourself a sandwich and then don?t eat it.

9) Wonder whether trepanning actually works

10) Try and remember where you put the auger bit for the power drill

11) Try to remember where you put the power drill

12) Cough massively, holding you arms tightly across your chest to stop your rib cage exploding in a manner reminiscent of John Hurt in Alien 1.

13) Contemplate the benefits of genetic engineering to provide an extra pair of arms so that you could successfully hold your head and your chest at the same time.

14) Write a list of things you can do to amuse yourself when you are bored and feeling very, very ill.

15) Wonder if leeching actually works

16) Wonder if leeches and slugs share a common genetic ancestry.

17) Wonder where Sluggy McSlug?s got to.

18) Wonder if you are going mad.

19) Try to expel a massive bronchial explosion as a series of gentle wheezes. Fail miserably. Take another handful of max-strength paracetamol

20) Curse the ?witch? who misdiagnosed massive bronchial infection and sinusitis as �ManFlu�. Bless the gp who made the correct diagnosis and provided heavy-duty antibiotics and an oxygen mask.

21) Wink rapidly with alternate eyes and marvel at the amazing ?dancing? lampshade.

22) Wonder again re the state of your mental health

23) Open a tin of ?Jewish Penicillin? (chicken soup), heat it up, pour it into a bowl and ignore it.

24) Have a go at a presenter on daytime TV in the manner of Mark Heap as Dr Statham on ?Green Wing?.

25) Have a really good groan.

26) Laugh out loud (despite the pain) at David Nobbs? description of army washing up fatigues [Compared to washing up fatigues, square bashing was a perfectly timed orgasm with Catherine Deneuve on a private nudists? beach on the sheltered side of Cap Ferrat with a bottle of nicely chilled Menetou-Salon at one?s side.] and induce another spleen wrenching, lung shredding bout of coughing that sends your eyeballs rattling to the opposite corner of the bedroom

27) Have another really good groan.

28) Recite the alphabet in burps (without being sick when you get to ?W?)

29) Be Brave

30) Go and pick your son up from school. HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!!


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Halfway to school today to pick Ben up and it starts hissing down. It?s only a ten minute walk, but by the time I get there I?m sopping, and Ben?s looking none too pleased about the walk home as he trots across the playground towards me.

�Put your hood up� I cry

�No, it looks stupid� comes the response.

�Not as stupid as pneumonia� I say, just before another bout of massive bronchial explosions render me prostrate on the damp earth.


Now, under normal circumstances we?d both jog home (it?s not any drier, just faster!), but thanks to this *#!!@$!#* chest infection I can?t at the moment move without bringing up half a lung, so being the kind, thoughtful, considerate father that I am I decided to let Ben go for it alone.


After we?ve crossed the one busy road on the route together, I offer him the house keys.

�Now, you can run on ahead and get in out of the rain, but you must promise me you?ll not do anything silly�

�I promise�

�And you must hang on to these keys very tightly�

�I will�

�And if you drop them and can?t find them you must stop and wait for me to catch you up, and not come back and forget where you dropped them�

�I won?t drop them�

�And remember ? no silly stuff�?


So, I get home, and just as I?m walking up the garden path I hear a stifled giggle from the other side of the front door and the key turning in the lock.

�Ha Ha Ben, very funny, now open the door�

This, predictably, brings forth an explosion of laughter, and I see the little get run into the kitchen.

�Beeennnnnnn. Open the door.�


�Ben. Open this door now. I?m getting drenched�.


�Benjamin, Open this door NOW�

Through the glass panelling I see Ben reappear in the hallway, hear the rattle as he puts the key in the lock, then

�Ohhhhhhhhhh. Stupid thing!! Dad, it won?t turn.�

�Pull the handle up�

�It won?t�

�It will�

�I Can?t�

�You?ll have to�?

5 Minutes later, and I?ve actually started to absorb water like a sponge. Whatever Ben?s done to the lock, it won?t open from the inside and now he can?t get the key back out.

�I know,� he says �I?ll get the spare keys. Where are they?�

�On the hook in the kitchen�.

After another five minutes waiting for Ben to drag a chair across the kitchen so he can climb up and fetch the spare keys, I realise that the spare keys on the hook only fit the front door, which won?t open if a keys in the lock on the inside.

�Ben, Ben ? You?ll have to get the back door keys�

�Where are they?�

�In the fruit bowl�

�Which fruit bowl?

�The one in the kitchen ? not the one with fruit in, the other one with all the batteries and c**p.�


After a good root about Ben yells that he can?t find them. By this time a fair sized audience has appeared (despite the rain), asking stunningly stupid questions like �are you locked out then?�

�No, I?m trying to catch pneumonia so I can have a nice relaxing holiday in hospital� I want to ? but don?t - reply.

My sense of the ridiculous is now kicking in, and the more I try not to laugh the harder it gets. This would, of course, be the final evidence the neighbours need that both Ben and I are completely insane. I look through the window and Ben?s looking really scared; and that?s it, I do crack up, which of course brings on a bout of wheezing and coughing, which makes me laugh even harder which brings on more coughing and wheezing? You get the picture?


Eventually Ben finds a useful key ? the window security locks. He manages to open the bottom one, and, standing on the outside ledge I manage to snake my arm through the fanlight and get the top one undone. A couple of minutes later and I?m in, dripping wet, covered in mud and trying desperately not to let Ben see how close I am to laughing. Ben?s got about ten emotions playing across his face at once, among them guilt, fear and lots of suppressed laughter. I know at this point I can?t say anything without losing it, so I go straight into the kitchen to ?make a cup of tea and give you time to think about what you?ve done??

Two minutes pass in silence, then a quiet (hopeful?) voice is heard from the living room;

�I bet this means I won?t be getting an after school treat today then"...



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Oh Baddad,....if only someone had been there to take a :photo: !!!!!


You get full marks for managing to keep composure!! B) But no treats,.......you evil man!!!!! :devil:


Hope the 'man flu' gets going pronto!! ;)





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Im not laughing honest !! :whistle: But well done for keeping cool !! Cant say it would have done the chest infection any good though, Take care and get some REST !!

Shaz >:D<<'>

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Jester :) (not THE Jester :jester: ) returns to The Batcave. He is not in his 'superdude' outfit but a rather rumpled DJ, his black tie askew and the bulge at his armpit revealing possibly a Walther PPK or - more likely- the latest hiding place of the Hip Flask in its handy 'fast reach shoulder holster'


"Good evening, Shuperdudesh," he says, in finest Sean Connery mode "I'll have a vodka martini - shaken not shtirred - and Pusshy Galore, if posshible"


The Female Inquisitor :wacko: stares balefully at him. He blanches and stammers "Well, just a cup o'tea and a Hob-Nob then?"


"If you have been wondering where I have been these many days, then I have a tale to tell. These are my only clothes - all of my Superdude outfits have been confiscated by the police... it seems there has been some confusion since I started my new Pressure Group"


'Farters for Just Ice'


"An organisation for middle aged men who suffer from flatulence if they have ginger ale or soda in their whisky". :blink:


"Anyway...The Female Inquisitor :wacko: has been asking me to meet her in bizarre places recently...up scaffolding, on top of cranes etc and the weird thing is she never turns up and, most recently, she arranged another date."


"Well, standing on a window ledge at Buckingham Palace outside the Queen's bedroom :bat: for a couple of hours waiting for her was a bit boring, and there was quite a crowd so I tried to recruit a few new members for 'Farters for Just Ice'. Everything got a bit confused and I ended up nicked, interrogated by Special Branch and my name has been passed on to the CIA and Interplod." :oops:


He shambles off towards the BatCostume Department, trailing Hob-Nob crumbs


Jester :jester:

Edited by Jester

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ooh i laughed so loud i frightened the kids lol.


keep at it and you'll save the world yet!! :ph34r:

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It is half term ... the Tweed Cocoon once more bursts to disgorge 'Party-Time Jester'.... :jester::party:


The Jester :jester: has been pondering his choices in the Bat-Costume department.

There seems to be no-one in the Batcave these days ... but he has heard The Female Inquisitor :wacko: and others are off to (he thinks) "an Abba convention"...or that's what he thought...I mean, he's heard lots of talk about 'Abba' and 'Lovarse' (must be the support band) on other threads.


He leaps into the Bat-Spotlight with a twang of knee-ligaments and a whiff of 'Ralgex Aftershave for men'.


Observe ... The Sky blue sateen flares, silver platform boots, crocheted sparkly skull-cap, lime green blouson jacket and glittery eye-shadow. :ph34r:


He moves to the mirror, preparing to wield the bat hairdrier for the full 'Agnetha' Blonde flick-ups effect. Alas! The 1970's were too long ago ... where once there was a cascading mane of silky tresses, now there is but wrinkling and a slight gleam of refelected light.


Should The Jester :jester: go to the convention anyway?

Will he realise that his hearing has gone as well as his hair and there IS no convention?

Will anyone EVER come back into The Batcave if he's dressed like this?


Tune in Next time....


Jester :jester:

Edited by Jester

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When Terry suggested that he painted the doors on our landing last thing at night, just before we all went to bed, it sounded like a good idea. B) It meant there was less chance of anyone touching the paint, which has to be very low oder because David can not stand the smell of paint.


So this evening he began painting the six doors on our landing. David and Matthew were actually being sociable with each other for the first time this week, and were playing on a game in David's room. I decided to watch some tat TV well Gems TV actually, there is no plot so if I have to race up the stairs upon hearing blood curdling screams I don't miss anything.


Well after almost an hour of pure bliss, and several rings I would love to own if we had the money, I heard not one but three sets of blood curdling screams :o. I was imagining that a mad axe man had entered the house without my realising it :unsure: . I raced up the stairs :ninja: while Terry was screaming close the doors, close the doors.


It appears that Terry also decided to paint the loft covering and so he took it down. We had, what they all thought was a bat, flying around in our bedrooms. Brilliant it could only happen to us! After a few seconds I realised that it was way to big to be a bat and it was actually a Starling. :wacko:


It has just taken us 45 minutes to get the flaming thing out of our bedroom. During which time Matthew brought ALL of his Guinea Pigs :robbie: (sorry it's the nearest thing I could find) up to to meet the bird which he was determined to give a name and keeping as a new pet!!!!!!!!! :jester: He must be joking :jester:


Eventually I had a brain wave :dance: ( wished I'd had it sooner) and opened our windows, much easier than trying to catch a terrified bird - it flew out.


Excellent - only Terry and Matthew both look like they have been painting themselves as they rubbed against all of the doors which has just been painted grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Not such a good idea after all. The bath is currently running - yes at 5 past midnight. :crying:



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Well I almost began my post by saying that I was a bat cave virgin - being my first post in the cave - but I thought it might be a bit rude :shame:


I also wasn't sure if I was posting in the correct place :unsure:


And yes I could do with a laugh myself cos the painting ALL has to be done again - and that means buying MORE paint :rolleyes:



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Hi all


I hereby officially 'bag' the 500th posting here with two excerpts from my recent marking of science books.


"the electric circuit makes your tights bright so they are shiney" (I think that was supposed to be 'lights')


and - more worryingly -


"this term we have learnded about eletrick circustits"


It's been a while since I went to a circus...but I don't remember that part!


Jester :jester:

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Are you sitting comfortably? Then I?ll begin????????


The Curse of the rabbits paw ? By Ronad Chana?Dahl.


Deep in the deepest darkest recesses of the bat cave a light flickers?

�Helloooo, Helloooo� yodels the vomit-stained Captain Commando, resplendent still in his birthday bash, burst sausage finery, wherein he has lain in a drunken stupor for? has it really been that long?

He strikes another of the matches he nicked that night from delete woman, burns a finger, curses, falls over and breaks wind? it?s been like this for days? day turns to night, night turns to day and all to the relentless, pounding beat of a leftfield soundtrack courtesy of Guinness and Kangaroo poo board wax?

�Hmmmm�, he ponders, �that was rather a soft landing, given the general rockiness of my surroundings? lucky break, I guess�? As if in answer to this unspoken thought, a strange sensation sweeps through him; a weird shuddering, beginning in the region of his grounded hip but sweeping from there through the entire length of his leg. A terrifying, high pitched squeal rents the air; an horrific mewling as if from the tortured throat of some nightmare demon from the deepest depths of hell itself?�My god�, thinks CC �what poor soul has fallen into BRW?s clutches now?� And then he realises, the strange twitching, the hellish scream ? both are emanating from the same source. He reaches beneath himself, grasps the quivering package he finds there and tugs it free?




The poor creature, having taken the full brunt of CC?s considerable weight, shudders pitifully, coughs explosively (manflu!), breaks wind (inevitably) and expires?





�My, what a lovely brooch ? what?s it made from?�

�Lucky rabbit?s foot, mam� smarms the greasy stall-holder???


Blah blah blah? 3 WISHES?

Yakety yakety Yak ? LOTTERY WIN?

Rhubarb Rhubarb Rhubarb? �Wish Robbie was still here�??

Yada Yada Yada? Scraping noise at door?

? Robbie?

? bloodfest??

?burning red eyes?

?fade to black?

?dancing, silhouetted, flaming bint?

I?m off to watch planet of the apes ? sorry all!!!

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Robbie cannot contain himself!! :devil: That Captain Commando,...never was the brightest,...by day or night!!!


He rabbit-larfs so much that his whiskers heave like the suspension on BRW's stockings!


Poor :george: George!!!! Well, it was 'manflu', so there was no way it would have been a speedy recovery anyway!!!


DW nuzzles into the back of Robbie's neck and whispers,.....'My clever little bunny! You're learning! And, I do like your brooch,....though next time, choose a smaller size, maybe a ladies size 5?' Robbie binkies (rabbit term for jumps with excitement!), then thuds to the ground, pulled by the weight of his brooch!! Ahhhh,...WHATEVER!!!!

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DW nuzzles into the back of Robbie's neck and whispers,.....'My clever little bunny!  You're learning!  And, I do like your brooch,....though next time, choose a smaller size, maybe a ladies size 5?'  Robbie binkies (rabbit term for jumps with excitement!), then thuds to the ground, pulled by the weight of his brooch!!

A word from our sponsors?


The sponsors of this forum hereby advise patrons that they would in no way offer any endorsement of the co-founders claim that she can communicate with rabbits, and would remind all members that the party in question has been under considerable stress recently through her interactions with professional medical advisors and her Local Education Authority.

Regular visitors to the forum may also recall certain allegations made by a close family member pertaining to certain ?witch-like? qualities that have been periodically observed.

We would point out that there is no evidence (other than circumstantial) to support these allegations, nor is there any historical precedent to indicate that Genus Lepus may be employed successfully in the role of ?Demonicus Familiaris?.

While in no way conclusive, we would further advise that early clinical trials do indicate that the party in question does, in fact, weigh considerably more than the average duck, and it is hoped that this discovery will offer some small comfort to members while more rigorous investigations are undertaken.


Messrs: Dumbledore, McGonagle & Snape

Acting On Behalf of

The Young Conservative Association Of America



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the door to the batcave grates open.......

'Hmm...' ponders the Caped Confuser, struggling under the weight of a bulk buy box of Hob Nobs as she kung-fu kicks the door shut.....

'The lights are on, but nobody's home.....ah, no, I'm wrong again....'

CC dumps the box on the table (wincing slightly at the noise of hob-nobs crumbling to biccie-dust)and saunters over to the inert figure huddled on the sofa.

'Oi, BRW, c'mon, shake a leg, willya?' she says, as she shoogles the sleeping SuperOAP...

BRW grunts, blinks blearily and rises oh-so-slowly to a sitting position, the epitome of annoyed pensioner.

'Whassat?...harrumph....oh..s'you, Caped Confuser......thought you'd went over to the dark side, so I did...'

CC plants her hands on her hips, and laughs heroically..(then spends the next two minutes wheezing, regretting every ciggy that had ever blackened her lungs...)

"Not a chance, bud! So where is everyone, then?'

'Weell,' began BRW,' It's like this, see.....Captain Commando says he squashed that pesky wabbit to death, and is convinced it's haunting the batcave now, so lots of us are too wussy to face the Rabbit-ghoul......except Jesty.....'

'Why? What's keeping him away then?' asked CC.

'ooo....jesty.....luvverly jesty.....come to...'

'OI!! BRW!! Snap out of it, wumman! What's he up to?'bugled CC.

'Whut? Oh, right...well, he's developed some kind of obsession....brought on by one of the wee squirts he "teaches" at that school.....seems he's been going to every circus performance he can....My hearing aid battery's going again, I think he said something about eclectic circus twits....can't imagine what he's on about, myself...' mused BRW.

CC, meanwhile, had spotted Jester's abandoned marking on the coffee table, had had found the relevant excerpt and was now consumed by a fit of the giggles...

Just at that moment, the door to the batcave squealed open again......

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Is anyone into Astronomy? I ask because we were discussing this topic as we sat round our tea table today, as you do, and it suddenly came to me in a flash that I am most certainly the thickest person living in our house B) No astounding levels of knowledge from me no sir, after sitting there listening to my four for almost an hour, well they are ALL really good talkers,(take after their mother) it slowly began to dawn on me that I am probably NOT the right person to be home educating Matthew and David as they were in fact educating me :whistle:


It all began with a throw away comment about black holes, I would imagine that we all make reference to black holes many times each day so no surprise there then. Matthew wanted to ask Rob what would happen if the planet earth is, at some point in the very distant future, (I hope) sucked into a blak hole. Rob replied that the earth would be crushed as would anything else that came into contact with a black hole - I had no idea that we had so many vast recycling plants floating around in cyber space just wating to recycle our rubbish. Amazing or what? :thumbs: All we need now is to find a way to utilise it's potential!


Well the conversation then hurtled, much the same as a black hole, towards the asteriods which are a constant threat to the universe! Are they really? And here I am going about my daily life in a devil may care fashion :jester: full of fun and frolics not knowing that the end of the world may be just around the corner :( They sure know how to cheer a girl up. Rob reassured Matthew that we now have the technology to be able to find these pesky asteriods and would know months, if not years in advance, of one hitting earth. Shish that's a relief then still time for one last drink :cheers: and possibiliy even a party :band: May as well go out with a bang :balloon:


The conversation came to an end when Matthew - who remember is only 7 - gave a virtual reality and down to scale re-enactment of how big we, being the earth (I'm catching on fast now) were in comparison to one of these asteriods. Rob - who has an A level in Astronomy (show off) :first: said that Matthew was correct and that that was about the size of it! Well not much to worry about at all, if these things are only the same size as our dinning room table, can't see that they could do that much damage after all :clap:


They then began a conversation about parallel universes which was my cue to get up and wash the dishes as I had no doubt at all by this point that this would be way over my head and I was, with out doubt, unable to join in and make any meaningful comments. :notworthy: I know my place and that's why you will find me hiding here for the night :bat: just incase I am asked for an opinion! :o




Who can't spell either - but then you have probably realised that by now tooo!!!!

Edited by carole

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Thanks Nellie,

That link made me and my other half absolutely howl with laughter ! No mean feat as he is a grumpy, cynical so and so (just checking if he reads my posts!)

It just goes to show how vunerable teenagers are despite their world weary attitude to most scary things.

Don't think it will have much effect in teaching the value of 'seize the day' but it might make them think more about believing everything they are told. Boy, could that teacher end up regretting his little jape !

Will have to pass this story onto the other monday morning misery mums.



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Blue-Rinse Woman hitches up her support hose and hobbles into the gloom of the Bat-Cave. She really needed her Super-Zimmer but couldn't quite remember where she'd left it. She'd used it on Monday evening so she might have left it at any one of the retirement homes currently resided in by the new men in her life...Gordon, Arthur, Ernest (and very earnest he was too! :devil: ), Alfred.....


Too many to list. :whistle:


Where was her beloved Jesty? He belonged to another but it didn't mean a pensioner couldn't drool at the thought of his leather elbow patches did it? :shame:



Oooooh leather! That reminded her of the night she'd lured her man Cyril into her ahem specially adapted cellar. :devil: He'd wondered what the chains on the wall were for but he'd soon -


<<BRW's nostalgia is interrupted by a sudden need to visit th Bat-Loo>>


These new-fangled Tena Lady just couldn't compare to the good old-fashioned incontinence pad. :bat::notworthy:

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Where has The Jester :jester: been?


Alas, after his unfortunate run in with Special Branch, Interplod and the FBI over the 'Palace Windowsill Incident' he has - once more - been in trouble with the forces of law and order. :police: <Gasp>


Once more..it is all Female Inquisitor's :wacko: fault. :blink:


In his guise as a mild mannered teacher at the "Little Acorns High Security Unit for the Wee Gentlefolk of Essex" (formerly St Hillbillies Academy) The Jester :jester: went into work with a cough.


Whenever he suggested that he was not feeling too grand, the chorus of "Bloke with a cold, heavy sigh" from female staff quashed him.


He ignored Female Inquisitor :wacko: and continued to go to work. Then he got a serious chest infection.


"Why" I hear you ask "is that HER fault?"


Well...when he finally realised he was gravely ill, The Jester :jester: tried to ring home to request a lift. His voice failing and his lungs wheezing he was only trying to say "Bid, I want you to drive over here and pick me up"


Unfortunately he only got as far as "Bid...heavy breath heavy breath..I want you...wheeze wheeze" before she called the police and had the call traced. :blink:


I am home now, and I must say...these electronic tag things are not half as uncomfortable as I feared.


I wonder if it is safe to enter the Batcave. In a weakened condition and prone to what sounds like heavy breathing, I wouldn't want any misunderstanding from BRW when she comes out of the Batloo!


Jester :jester:

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Hi all


A new phrase for our time and, I think, very pertinent to us parents who deal with professionals ....


'Deja Moo' - The uncanny feeling that you've heard this bulls##t before.


Jester :jester:

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BRW peers at the screen in the Bat Cave. Her beloved Jesty had been breathless and panting......



AND SHE'D MISSED IT!!!! :crying::crying::crying:





Hope you're feeling better, Jester! :thumbs:

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All of these animal tales remind me of our hamster who did at the ripe old age of 3, bless him.

we covered him in sawdust and prepared to bury him the next day, he died very late !!


anyhoo, got up in morning, hamster gone, ohoh had he come back to life and escaped the open cage?

went round shouting him, well, he did know his name you know!!!

Gave up went in to wake son, snoring as usual took the usual three shakes and loud shouting to wake him from his deep slumber, he rolled over, and ****** me, there was a flat hamster lying underneath him, he said he wanted him to be safe, so he slept with him, only he rolled on him in the night.


How i kept from screaming ill never know, but i got son out of bed, peeled hamster off sheet and put him in shoebox. If he wasnt dead before he certainly was now!!!


I still shudder at the thought of it :sick:

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I've got a hamster story, and it's even nastier...

I was cleaning 'Hammys' cage out (I was about seven at the time) and needed somewhere to put him while I did it. My sister had a box of cotton-wooly things in the bathroom cabinet, which seemed ideal... Don't know why Hammy thought they looked edible, but he did. Of course, if I'd known how hungry he was, or what the cotton-wooly things were or even their capacity to expand when moist, I'd probably have put him somewhere else, but I didn't x 3... Needless to say, it wasn't a FLAT hamster I found dead a little later :hypno::tearful:

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ty bid for my super name, although i dont htink ill be repeating the experience!!!

Badddad I dont quite know what to say to your tale, at least he was stuffed for pestority.? spelling?


poor Hammy

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My next hamster escaped while I was training it to walk a tightrope strung between two chairs... He fell off, saw his chance and made a dash for the kitchen door. Unfortunately my cat was on the other side...

One day, I'll tell you the story of my cat and the 'chicken string'... ;)

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