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The Batcave

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Hi jericho -

What about Julie Waters? Young enough to survive the filming process, but as Mrs Overall she looks about 103! And a ready supply of baggy tights too...

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Jools would be perfect! I just hope there's nothing in her contract that says she won't be seen wearing sparkly chin-high bloomers or engaging in 'conquests' with little old men. :lol:

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WORLD GONE MAD (pt 1)

 

The other morning Ben was watching a programme on CBBC called 'best of friends'. At the end of the programme, the group of friends won the star prize...

Is it just me, or does anyone else think, that full "Health Spa, Sauna and Makeover" treatments are inappropriate prizes for ten/eleven year old girls???

What the hell have they got to make over? Surely any wrinkles they've got at that age are meant to be there?

Also... are all you ladies aware that if you buy your contact lenses from Specsavers you are much more likely to attract sexual attention from your teenage daughter's boyfriend? Something every good mum aspires to, surely?!

 

:blink::hypno:;):lol:

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Hey all!!

What about John Cleeses as Jesty? I think he'd do the job nicely!

As for The Caped Confuser....well, I'd be happy if Kirsten Dunst accepted the role (seeing as Brigitte Bardot is kind of unable....) but on reflection, I thin the only gurl who'd touch it would be Victoria Wood or someone like that.......

The promise of many, many Hob-Nobs would fill Kirsten with horror and Victoria with glee!!!

Besides, you could fit several Kirsten's in my cossie, Vic's a real woman!!!

:bat:

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Hi Pooks! another flying visit or have you finally got that computer fixed up?

Now, Victoria Wood and Julie Waters? I think it might finish up as another version of Acorn Antiques (Nowt wrong with that generally, but not quite what we're looking for here!) and as for Kirsten Dunst - with the amount of wine that flows round here, it'd only be a matter of time before someone embarrassed themselves, eh (what say you Rev. Spooner?)?

What about that lovely girl who plays Brigette Jones, Rene Gallbladder? She's not averse to the odd hobnob, is she, so long as it's 'artistically relevent'?

Welcome back, Pooks, we've all missed you (AGAIN!) ;)

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It's hard to find grannies who are glamorous enough to take on the role of Blue-Rinse Woman. Maybe we could get Robin Williams to dress up a la Mrs Doubtfire - as long as he promises not to try a Scottish accent again. :rolleyes::lol:

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Supersec arrives at the bat cave to find it totally deserted....she tiptoes in, having been away on maternity leave for six months, she is finally able to squeeze back in to her lycra leotard and black fishnets.."hello" she calls "anyone about?" No response. ahh she thinks - I know what may work.."Anyone fancy a cuppa and a packet of hobnobs?".......

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(To the tune of 'Wonder Woman')

 

The Female Inquisitor :wacko: glides into the BatCave :bat: , tossing her hair extensions over her shoulder, a moue of distaste on her cupid's bow lips...and hobbling slightly because she has put on weight since she last wore the Uber-thong :blink:

 

'Did someone say HobNobs??' she trilled...

 

But what is this? :o

 

No one has hoovered the BatCave :bat: for at least 6 months, and The Female Inquisitor's doilies are all mussed!!

 

And what is that unpleasant pile of old clothes doing in the corner near the Batloo? :ph34r:

 

Tune in next time, Gentle Reader...

 

The Female Inquisitor :wacko:

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Super vacuum man is on his way (my son) Just donning his trademark PJ top and super dry nappy and he'll be there in a "flash" with his cloth and super spray, to give the cave a spring clean. Get the bread sticks and raw cabbage (his fave at the mo) ready.

:ninja:

Viper.

Edited by Viper

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"Oh thank goodness" breathes (at least that is what it looks like - may be more like the leotard is still a little on the tight side!) :o Supersec, someone is here! Hobnobs are brandished with good intent - "plain or chocolate? the kettle is on". :D

 

She hobbles over to the computer in her rather fetching knee high boots. "Must take the weight of my feet" she mutters. :blink:

 

When is supervacuum man going to be here she wonders, the dust is thick around her kinky boots and taking the shine off of them.

 

"Hmmm I wonder" supersec muses, "who will turn up next? Won't take long now the hobnobs and the tea is brewed I don't suppose"......"tea?" she utters as she rearranges her leotard.....

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Right, Back at the top of the pile again, let's see what happens...

Now, don't know what's been going on but i was rather shocked when April 1st came and went with nothing whatsoever - did hear rumours of a 'chocolate hobnobs as trigger in ASD's' spoof that would have rivalled Panorama's spaghetti harvest, but it never appeared ;)

Wabbit wecipes seem to have gone out of fashion.

(Wats are this seasons Wabbit, I fear, as sure as brown is the new black again)

An outbreak of Legionnaires down at the legion has seen off most of BRW's prey.

Pooks, CarolJ: we miss you...

L&P

CC :D

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I typed a long post here explaining that I'd nip over and bump the original thread back up to see what happened, then I deleted it by accident!

DOH!!

L&P

BD

(CC as was)

Hey, hold on - hasn't there just been a HUGE box office smash animated feature based on superheroes coming back out of retirement???

Damn! missed the boat again :lol:

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Where, oh where did the batcave go? It was one of the reasons I joined this site.

One of my life goals became to gain the courage (and body shape) to don purple lycra body suit and pink thong to fight the good fight.

Foiled again...life sucks!

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Never fear superheroes.......The Batcave is Back :bat::thumbs:

 

Get the kettle on, open the hobnobs, clean that loo, get hoovering...............and make me laugh!!!!! :D

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"Mwaargh. Harrumph. Wazzat? Cough, Rattle Blarrggh!"

 

(The filthy heap of rags in the corner by the Batloo shifts and with a ponderous uncertainty reshapes itself as a slightly taller pile of filthy rags. There is some clutching of what - from their position - must be its knees.)

 

"Noise. Vacuum? Smell of TEA! Hob-nobs??"

 

(The words are english and yet the figure seems to lack coherence. The assembled superdudes look in horror as the thing lurches to the Bat-BreakfastBar and secures a mug of char. A tarnished hip flask appears and the contents are emptied into the tea. There is a long slobbering swallow)

 

"Ahhhhh - Jamesons and NightNurse...the good stuff!"

 

(There is a metamorphosis ...the layers of rancid tweed that are this creature's hibernation safety blanket shed away to leave a sleek, suited and smiling superhero with perfect hair and a winning, boyish grin)

 

"Welcome to 'NEW Batcave'" he smiles as the strains of 'Things Can Only Get Better' waft from the BatIntercom "everything that was good about the old Batcave, but more so. We will be MORE inclusive, MORE concerned with peoples' rights. MORE ...er..well...just MORE, ok? Trust me on this"

 

"Will there be more hobnobs?" comes a voice

 

"Look," says the suited one, "under the previous Batcave, hobnob consumption had fallen to an all time low but under NEW Batcave, we will increase the number of hobnobs per superhero by 8.3%; and when we have signed up to the 'Euronob Treaty' there will be an absolute GUARANTEE of the biscuit of your choice, wherever and whenever you require it."

 

"Does that me the 'tea-subs' are going up?" says the voice

 

"Look," replies the slightly irritated suit,"under the prudent fiscal policies of 'Iron Chancellor-BanMan', tea subs will not only not go up, but, in real terms, by the end of my next term the hobnobs will actually pay YOU to eat them !

 

(At this point, The Female Inquisitor :wacko: pops a 'celtic-knot-on-leather-thong-necklace' over the suited smiler's head and twists until he passes out)

 

"I'm sorry," she smiles, "Jester is often confused after a long sleep and has these moments. As soon as he regains consciousness give him a pint of Hobgoblin and a pot-noodle and he'll be right as rain".

 

Nice to see we're still in business! "To Insanity and Beyond!"

 

Jester :jester:

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Blue-Rinse Woman finally emerges from the sanctuary of the Bat-Loo, roused from her hibernation by talk of "Euronobs". She hadn't seen one of those since the WI's coach trip to Paris in 1973..... :devil:

 

It looked as though the Bat-Cave was indeed back in business. But what was this??? Someone had swiped the batteries from her Super-Zimmer! :angry: Hmmm..... Now why would anyone need her Zimmer batteries?

 

What was that peculiar buzzing noise coming from Supersec's direction? Did it have something to do with the missing batteries? :bat:

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(He lurches upwards - gasping)

 

"...and another thing, the simple fact is that there is no place for the old style Hob-Nob under 'New Batcave'. The 'Euronob' is a logical step forward, bringing us into line with our crimefighting partners on the continent."

 

(He fails to see The Female Inquisitor :wacko: move behind him once more with deliberate and terrible slowness)

 

"Furthermore, The Euronob - or Das PinkenVaferKrunchKuchen- is a fine teatime snack and you get many more of them than Chocolate Hobnobs to the pound ..er..I mean Euro.."

 

(There is a tremendous CLANG as The Female Inquisitor :wacko: brings the tea urn smartly down upon his head and Jester slumps once more.)

 

:jester:

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Ahh, Jester -

Das Pinkenvaferkrunchenkuchen - you can get a gf/df version of that - though it's vanilliwhitencreemen rather than pinkenkrunchen... Given Ben's diet, I'll throw in my support with you, I think, until McV's bow to the inevitable and produce a gf/df HobNob. Taking your littlun's rumbling bowels into consideration I think "Brown Owl" (thanks for revealing that, Bid, and thanks too spike for the thread that led to it - made my day!) is being rather short sighted (A short sighted owl? See what i mean - there's ton's of mileage in this!) in casting her vote with the 'Nobbers'...

She sounds a bit of a fly by night character to me, Jestie - You wanna watch out, she's probably just feathering her nest... :lol::lol: This is a Hoot (groan, enough, sling yer 'ook BD)

:D

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Sadly the Female Inquisitor's alter-ego is not Brown Owl...she is only the assistant guider and was christened 'Badger' :unsure:

 

Do your worst with that, Bads!! :lol:

 

Bid :wacko:

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Supersec sits at the desk, tape machine whirring away, mumbling notes to herself of all the things she notes need doing - "new signs regarding the euronobs are needed", "mumble mumble mumble", "more tea bags and sugar", she is heard to be muttering. "Ah yes, new tea urn now that one has a rather large dent in it".

 

Supersec turns around to see Blue Rinse Woman bearing down on her "my batteries!" she cries...... :angry:

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Sadly the Female Inquisitor's alter-ego is not Brown Owl...she is only the assistant guider and was christened 'Badger' :unsure:

 

Do your worst with that, Bads!! :lol:

 

Bid :wacko:

Bid, i won't even go there... wouldn't want to be accused of baiting you, I might set you off. Now, are you sure it was folk singing you were into? What with the Essex connection (Kursal Flyer's, Feelgood's etc) 'n' all I thought it might have been pub brock ;) Don't think I'll top that last one without putting some thought into it, so I'll leave it there... Will DEFINITELY NOT be mentioning "Roger's Profanisaurus"'s definition of 'Badger' either, though I seem to recall there's another member out there with a copy, so perhaps they'll pick up where i left off :D

L&P

BD

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Blue-Rinse Woman grabs back the batteries while SuperSec is busy googling for a suitable picture of a Euronob for her new poster. Strangely nothing seems to be getting past the parental control filters....... :whistle:

 

Just enough time to power up the Super-Zimmer and go hunting for a new octogenarian beau. :devil::pray:

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The prime of P. J. Proby

 

V/O:

Pauline Proby is a 32-year-old primary school teacher working with 7 to 8 year olds at a specialised school for children with autistic spectrum disorders. As we join her classroom for the afternoon lessons, Pauline is feeling slightly overwhelmed, as the regular Learning Support Assistants who work along side her in the classroom are all out with flu.

 

PAULINE:

Right everyone, first lesson this afternoon is I. T., and ?

 

STEVEN:

What is it, miss?

 

PAULINE:

What is what, Steven?

 

STEVEN:

What is it in I. T. Miss?

 

PAULINE:

I was just going to tell you Steven, It?s ?

 

MARK:

Why Miss?

 

PAULINE:

Why what, Mark?

 

MARK:

Why what what Miss?

 

PAULINE:

What?

 

MARK:

Why what what what you were going to say what?

 

PAULINE:

What?

 

MARK:

What why were you going to say what you were going to say miss?

 

PAULINE:

Oh. So everyone would know what we?re doing ?

 

MARK:

We?re doing I. T. Miss. It?s on the timetable.

 

PAULINE:

That?s right, Mark, it IS on the timetable. Well done. I was just going to explain ?

 

STEVEN:

Why is it miss?

 

PAULINE:

It?s on the timetable so we?ll all know what we?re doing ?

 

MARK:

We?re doing I. T. Miss.

 

PAULINE:

Yes, I know Mark, well done. And in I. T. today we?ll be ?

 

SIMON:

Doing computers miss. That?s what I. T. means miss.

 

PAULINE:

That?s right Simon, it?s computers, and we?ll be ?

 

STEVEN:

Why is I. T. Computers, miss, why don?t we call it ?computers??

 

[Pan to clock on wall. Slow fade out. Fade back in showing 45 minutes has elapsed. All the children are sitting in exactly the same places].

 

PAULINE:

Right, that?s time up for I. T? Now would you all like to collect your gear then get onto the coach for swimming?

 

[One child screams and runs from the room in total panic]

 

PAULINE:

Simon, would you like to go and catch Jamie for me and explain that we?re going to go to the swimming pool ON the coach, not fill it with water and swim IN it.

 

SIMON:

Yes miss. Why can?t we fill the coach with water and swim in it miss? Is it because the seats would get wet or because we would drown with all the windows shut?

 

PAULINE:

Both, Simon. Now hurry up after Jamie.

 

MATTHEW: Please, miss, why can?t we go to the swimming pool in cars?

 

PAULINE:

Now, come on Matthew, you know your only allowed to talk about cars for twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the afternoon and you?ve used that up already?

 

MATTHEW:

Can we talk about cats then, miss?

 

PAULINE:

Yes, that would be nice Matthew. I like cats ? I have two at home?

 

MATTHEW: Why do you have two miss? Is that in case the first one breaks down? ?Cos on the 1964 Morris traveller there was a starting handle you could use if it broke down so you only needed the one?

 

PAULINE:

OK Matthew, enough about cars for now?

 

MARK: It?s only one letter miss.

 

PAULINE:

I beg your pardon Mark?

 

MARK: One letter miss ? a �T� instead of an �R�

 

PAULINE:

???

 

MATTHEW:

Yes, and if you rub out the left bit of the cross bar on a small �T� it?s JUST like a small �R�, but it doesn?t work with capitals?You can?t turn a cat into a car with capitals just by rubbing out; you have to swap the letters?

 

[At this point the headmaster enters the room with an Ofsted inspection officer. The officer is wearing glasses? MARK jumps from his chair, rushes over and punches the Ofsted officer on the nose, grabbing the glasses and grinding them under his shoe].

 

HEADMASTER:

Oh, god, sorry. Completely forgot. Mark hates glasses? His father wore them until recently ? always used to take them off when he played with Mark, so Mark thinks glasses on means no playtime? sorry?

 

FADE OUT?

 

 

Three cheers for all the GOOD teachers out there? we owe you.

Three of the above ?bits? are based on true situations I?ve been told about. �Could you do it? I don?t think I could?�

L&P

BD

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1: Is there anyone out there who knows how to open a Muller Light Yoghurt without it spurting down the front of your shirt? There seems to be an inherent design flaw with the wide neck and airtight lid... Starting to look like I live in a bird sanctuary...

2: Last night I was looking through the kids section of our online video rental club with "Herb", and I was stunned to see that they've dug up and re-released

THE SINGING RINGING TREE. So, anyone out there who wants to really traumatise their kids?

3: Probably this decades version of those irritating "You don't have to be mad to work here..." pin-ups, but I saw this on an office wall today and it was new to me, so at the risk of appearing really naff:

 

Work like you don't need money

Love like you've never been hurt

And dance like no-one is watching

 

L&P

BD :D

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Baddad - Re: Yoghurt pots

 

Shame on you Captain Commando :shame:

 

In the Batcave, Superdudes use the following methods:

 

X-Ray Vision

Winds of Doom

Female Inquisitor's :wacko: "Moue of Disapproval" (turns milk into yoghurt without needing a pot)

and

of course

The Delete Button (removes lid from time space continuum with minimum fuss and spillage)

 

The Jester :jester: of course, simply avoids the problem by not consuming anything that can't be put in a hip flask or kebab wrapper.

 

Please do not bring such trifling problems before the Superheroes in future!

 

:jester:

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The Female Inquisitor :wacko: recoils in horror at the sight of a yoghurt-covered figure skulking in a dark corner of the Batcave :o

 

She strides purposely forwards, then remembers the rather too-tight Uber thong :blink: and has to revert to her normal sashay :devil:

 

She really has had enough of The Jester :jester: ...while she has made every effort to retain her girlish figure and demeanour (including that blessed Uber thong!), it can no longer be denied that he has let himself go! :ph34r:

 

The time has come to sort him out!! :bat::ph34r:

 

She reaches the slumped figure, and donning a maribou-trimmed rubber glove she grasps him firmly by the ear...

 

(To the tune of Wonder Woman)

 

Tune in next time to see whether the Female Inquisitor realises her fatal error...

 

Will Captain Commando live to tell the tale...

 

Should yoghurt be allowed in the Batcave anyway...

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Right - problem solved... I've been watching David Attenborough again, and Dame Nelly Nature has come up with a couple of cracking solutions...

From now on, I'll just swallow them whole, then regurgitate the pots later. Can't be any harder than that trick the python does with an egg (and he has to dislocate his bottom jaw, the poor beggar!), or that owl pellet thing for undigestable bits of shrew... Sorted!

Glad I'm not caught up in that whole Captain Command/Jetser/Female Inquisitor mistaken identity thing - sounds like there could be trouble abrewin'...

And speaking of the Captain...

 

_____________________________________________________

 

Somewhere in the batcave?s deep, dark bowels CC sits taking inventory ? not an easy task given the twin challenges of a two-watt ?Man From Uncle? penlight torch and a one-watt ?Man at C&A? brain.

�Hmmm. Lamb dhansak?Muller light lemon cheesecake yoghurt?Cottage cheese? These shorts really do need a clean! And that large juice stain on the crotch doesn?t help?

�Now, no washing powder down here ? what on earth can I do? Oh come on? I?m a resourceful ( ;) ), intelligent ( ;) ;) ), get-up-and-go sort of guy ( ;) ;) ;) )?I know ? I?ll make my own?�

Chuckling to himself, the Captain makes his way to his secret laboratory; or the ?gent?s urinal?, as it?s known to the rest of the cave?s inhabitants. Using his special skeleton key (or the ?crow bar?, as it?s known to the rest of the cave?s inhabitants) he opens the door to his secret store cupboard (or the ?cupboard where that strange man with the shorts keeps all his supposedly secret stuff? cupboard, A.I.K.T.T.R.O.T.C.I)?

�Right, what have we here?� he thinks, gloating, �Bleach ? that seems a good place to start; carbolic soap ? excellent? Now if only I can find that cheese grater?�

As he ponders the latter his memory recalls the childhood Christmas when he?d presented the same to his dear, old, blind grandmother, and her assertion on Boxing Day that it had been ?the best thing she?d ever read?? Oh, how they laughed! He smiles to himself at the heart-warming recollection, selective memory erasing the horrifying after-image of her shredded fingers and blood-soaked winceyette nightie, �Now, where was I?�

Unable in the semi-darkness to locate the grater his hand finds and grasps his trusty chopper (F?nar F?nar!). He slides his palm up the length of the warm, hard shaft (Yak Yak!!) and runs a finger across the tip (WhoooWhooo!!!) �Hmmm, bit blunt�, he thinks, bringing an end to this juvenile and somewhat lavatorial passage [?Lavatorial Passage? ? Huuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnn Hmph Hmph!!!!]; �Looks like I?ve got some serious grinding to do�?(what? WHAT??)?

20 minutes later our hero looks down at the small pile of greasy, white flakes his labours have produced. He bandages his hands and has another go.

20 minutes later our hero looks down at the small pile of greasy, white flakes his labours have produced. �Right, that?s the soap taken care of, what else have we got in here? His hand reaches again into the interior of the cupboard, emerging after a moment with a white plastic bottle. As he reads the label a strange transformation occurs; his eyes glisten, his head slumps and his shoulders huddle; he seems to visibly shrink and his eyes grow wide and luminous. �Ahhh, preciousssss� he croons covetously, enfolding the plastic container with his body, �preciousssss Blue Rinsessssssss�, and somewhere in the distance an anguished, frenzied, blood curdling scream rents the air?

Later?

�Right, what have we got, then? Bleach, Soap flakes, A few drops of blue rinssssessss for that added blue-white whiteness. Nearly there I think.

Boy, this sounds good enough to market ? who knows, this could be the break I?ve been looking for? Money, status, as much crumpet as I can handle: - No, forget the crumpet, m.u.s.t. s.t.i.c.k. t.o. t.h.i.s. l.o.w. c.a.r.b. d.i.e.t?.

�Now, what about a name? I know ? (Q6 must be out of copyright by now) ? SNIBBO!

No, New improved SNIBBO! No, no ? I?ve got it; New, IMPROVED improved SNIBBO, with added blue rinsssssseeeeesssss?

�Now, lets give it a trial run�?

 

A WARNING FROM OUR SPONSORS? THOSE OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION OR THOSE WHO HAVE EATEN RECENTLY SHOULD LOOK AWAY NOW? ON SECOND THOUGHTS, EVEN IF YOUR NOT OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION OR HAVEN?T EATEN RECENTLY, YOU?LL PROBABLY STILL WANT TO BE LOOKING AT SOMETHING ELSE FOR A WHILE?

 

Stepping backwards from the cupboard the Captain slips off the offensively stained shorts, revealing that, contrary to popular myth, the ?Commando? appellation was a one off aberration as he?d always maintained. The even more offensively stained, bri-nylon, under-kaks, were, however, probably the greater of two evils. While underwear decorated with the days of the week are quite commonplace and rather endearing, those with months of the year are less well regarded, particularly when the month in question is January and the viewing takes place in April? In a thrice the captain has whipped these off too, and has wrapped a handy bath towel around his nether.

 

IT?S OK - YOU CAN LOOK BACK NOW?

 

Scooping the steaming pile from the floor, the captain makes his way to the central cubicle (affectionately known as ?trap 3?), and thrusts them into the pan. With no washing machine in the batcave, this has been chosen as the most suitable receptacle? Singing gently to himself, he sprinkles the Snibbo flakes onto the soiled clothing, and employing the hedgehog-like brush as a makeshift agitator begins his wash in earnest. After ten minutes of vigorous pounding (Fnar Fnar, Yak Yak etc?) he lifts the shorts aloft.

�Damn, not quite shifting it?Problem seems to be the powder?s breaking down too rapidly? Need something to bind it all together?�

Deep in thought, he rushes again to the store cupboard, emerging at last with a small, glass bottle held victoriously aloft?

�Glycerine ? Perfect. A natural setting agent�

Back in trap 3 he empties the contents of the bottle onto the suds, picks up the agitator, and?

 

 

BOOM!!!

 

 

�Ahh, so that?s what the ?nitro? bit means�?

 

 

 

Ya da da da da da daaaaaaaaaa ? that?s all folks!! ;)

 

Once again, deepest apologies to anyone who doesn?t ?get? it, and deepest condolences to anyone who does!

L&P

BD :D

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Oh, come on now; this is just not good enough... The batcave nearly slipped out of view again... It's simple really THE MORE YOU POST THE LESS I POST MY DRIVEL... what more incentive do you need?

Now, it seems to me that the importance of HOBNOBS as a diversion/stimulant/emotional crutch has been severely overlooked of late...

Regular readers will know my preferred stimulant is red and comes in 75cl bottles, but for the majority I know the HOBNOB is the drug of choice...

 

ODE TO A HOB NOB by William T. McGonagal

 

Oh wondrous, rotundrous, oaty confection

Robust of construction; such golden complexion

Such richness of texture

So honeyed the flavour

And yet ? as a dunker ? so staunch in behaviour

 

Oh wondrous, rotundrous circumference of oat

For you I would gladly expend every groat

But no ? is it madness?

Comestible heaven

Can be purchased for decimal P?s fifty-seven*

By the wondrous power of mass manufacture

And corporate, globalised, key pricing structure

 

And so let us join in a massed celebration

A joining of crumb-covered hands ?cross the nation

But wait ? on reflection ?

A moment?s sobriety?

Please, Mr. McV. ? A low carb variety?

 

 

 

 

[*based on averaged supermarket prices for 300g single pack at time of going to press. No multi-buy currently available, but 5p off token redeemable against next purchase, Chocolate variety excluded. This footnote courtesy of obscure and irritating addenda inc. All rights reserved.]

 

 

Apologies all round, the muse was upon me ? �get off, you daft beggar!�

 

L&P

BD ;)

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(to the tune of Wondeerrr Womaaannnn...)

 

Just as The Female Inquisitor :wacko: grabs at the skulking figure's ear with her maribou-trimmed rubber-gloved hand, said figure lurches off and she is left grasping at thin air! :o

 

Where is 'The Jester' off to now she muses, narrowing her eyes (although this is rather difficult because of her botoxed forehead :devil: ).She actually looks as though she's got a rather nasty squint :blink:

 

So...'The Jester' seems to be furtling around in Captain Commando's supposedly secret cupboard...how The Female Inquisitor :wacko: , Blue Rinse Woman, ASM Woman, Supersec, Delete Woman (well, all the other Super Dudes actually :bat: ) had laughed one rainy afternoon when they had gone through his drawers! :lol:

 

Surely 'The Jester' wasn't after Captain Commando's stash of National Geographic magazines hidden under a pile of bri-nylon Y-fronts?? ;)

 

The hunched figure continues to root around in the cupboard before shuffling off to the BatLoo :bat: To The Female Inquisitor's :wacko: horror the next thing she knows is that 'The Jester' has whipped off his trousers :o Before she can avert her gaze, his 'Young Ones' vintage pants are going the same way!! :ph34r::ph34r:

 

As a tremendous explosion rips through the BatCave, The Female Inquisitor swoons, her last thoughts being...'That wasn't The Jester :jester: because where was his cheeky buttock tattoo?' followed by 'Now that's what I call a f**t!!' :lol::lol::lol:

 

Tune in next time, gentle readers...what is the fate of Captain Commando? And what is The Jester's :jester: 'cheeky buttock tattoo'?? (Answers on a postcard, please...)

 

Bid :wacko:

 

I'm waiting, Bads...

Edited by bid

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mwaaah, aaargh, harrumph!

 

The Jester :jester: arises from his comatose position behind the BatBreakfast BatBar and massages the back of his head. He has a hazy memory of talking gibberish and then collapsing...now he has a headache and everyone seems to have gone. It is mid-afternoon...so, nothing unusual there at all. :huh:

 

Tucking a well thumbed copy of 'What Superhero' under his arm he heads for the Batloo to acheive his morning ablutions.

 

It is by the worst of coincedences that he opens the door to receive, full in the face, an expanding fireball and scorching fragments of melting bri-nylon undergarments.

 

There is a strangled scream from Trap 3. The unconscious form of Capt. Commando slumps from the cubicle, trouserless and cross-eyed with agony.

 

There is only one thing a gentleman can say at this point:

 

"I say, Cappers old boy," he intones gravely, "perhaps it's time to lay off the Bombay BadBoy Potnoodles for a while, hmm?" :shame:

 

As he closes the door to trap 1, the Jester :jester: (never one to disappoint his wife) murmers "Now..that's what I call a f**t!"

 

:jester:

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Tentativly......... A new figure strolls on to the horizon - who could this be....

 

some one in need of the mighty skills of sencofighters of the hightest ilk. maybe -

 

no its the dishellvelled figure of......... no wait - theres a blank emblem on her chrome apron.... - she has no identity. -

 

Once this proud woman stood for childrens rights but now - beaten down by the system - she wanders lost in search of friends -

 

 

people who can extract the Hero from the mum, maybe.

 

But wait - what is this place - 20 miles from milton keynes - just south of hogwarts. - its a concealed entrance - I wonder what could this be..............................................................................

...

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She was a scout leader with a taste for adventure... He was a teacher with a taste for single malt... But when they got together... it was MOIDER!!

 

"So" Mumbled Jester, eyeing the scene of devastation before him, "What happened here then?"

"Oh, Jester, Jester," She cried in response, "I thought he was you!"

"Hmmm, " he ponders, backing away slowly, "So you killed the poor devil, eh?"

"Eh? No - don't be so daft you old fool - If i wanted to do you in I'd use my trusty archeologists probe and then bury you under the patio - Just like I've always planned it..."

"Eh? Eh?... Well, never mind. So what exactly did happen then?"

"Well, I don't really know... I just walked into the room and the poor chap exploded!"

"I say! That doesn't usually happen, does it?"

"Well, no - not that I've noticed, anyway... and, well, it's sort of something you would notice isn't it?"

"I'd have thought so. Anyway, enough of this idle chit-chat; let's get down to business"

"OH, Jester - you are a beast!"

"No no, woman" he cries, a look of sheer panic crossing his face, "I meant the other sort of business... Now, where exactly did you find the body?"

"Well - here."

"...Ah I see -"

"And here-"

"Oh-er..."

"And, finally... here" indicated the female inquisitor, pointing pointedly to a point just above Jester's head.

He turned his gaze toward the nasty stain on the roof of the cave above him and gave an involunary shudder at the realisation of what he beheld;

"my god, is that his - "

"Yes, I think so"

"-God, poor devil. Bit on the small side isn't it?"

"Well, Jester," she swooned, "It's hard for you to make a fair comparison - being so well blessed yourself"

"Yes, but even so... I mean, it couldn't possibly have functioned properly could it? All stunted like that?"

"Well actually, I think the jury's still out on that one. The old line of thinking was that brain mass and mental ability were directly linked, but more recently studies suggest that as we only use around 70% of full capacity anyway, there might be a much wider..."

"Alright, alright woman, I asked for an opinion, not a ###### lecture"

"WELL" she huffed, "If you're going to be like that..." ... ... ...

 

Sorry, out of steam, out of time and out of here! later...

BD :D

PS: Hi Raelien -welcome to the club... be careful, it's catching! Nice to see some new blood though (MWAHAHAHAHA), I was getting quite worried. Don't know who 's been charged in Pookies absence with the role of "Hero Namer General", but I'm sure you'll be getting yours soon ;)

L&P

BD :D

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Blue-Rinse Woman totters into the Bat Cave. The air is even more gassy than usual :sick: - and for once it had nothing to do with her digestive system. :wub:

 

Digestive? Aha! There was no place for digestives in the Bat Cave. Just the sacred HobNob. :dance:

 

She paused to ponder. What could Raeliens's superhero name be? :wacko:

 

There was only one thing that seemed to help her thought processes. Well, only one thing that Ban-Man would permit to be mentioned in the Bat-Cave anyway...... :devil:

 

With a swish of her bloomers she took a roll of Andrex and headed for the sanctuary of the Bat Loo.

 

:whistle::whistle::whistle:

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easy baddad, pierce a hole in the foil lid before peeling back! (yoghurt)

either that or don one self head to toe, in a special "muller light suit" made entirely of sewn together swing bin liners, care to model it for us?

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Jester - Tish and piffle (or pish and tiffle - what ever takes your fancy!)... Jokes are like diamonds: 1 good one's worth any amount of bad ones. I'm definitely working at the 'Ratners' end of the seam... ;)

L&P

BD

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...............................................and what could that foul odour be?

 

 

This must be some place to utilise such a sofisticated deterent devise,

 

the figure thinks to herself. -

 

I feel strangely drawn to the place - although the smell.

 

" Gas mask" the woman mutters into her Apron of steel!

 

and as if by magic........she is sqirted in the face by another even fouler smelling substance.

 

" why do you have to be so literal" she cries in desperation. " and who are you?!" ................................................................................

................................................................................

.......................................

 

 

."stop waving that hobnob at me"

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The Jester :jester: looks at The Female Inquisitor :wacko: , she is wearing a cocktail dress of scarlet, crippling high heels and has hair big enough to hide a badger in. She is carrying a small dog that looks like a handle-less mop. He himself sports a slightly shiny dinner jacket with mile-wide lapels, a nylon frilled dress shirt and bow tie of finest purple velvet. His cummerbund can only be described as 'floral'

 

"Good God, woman," he yelps, "we cannot appear as the new 'Hart-to-Hart'. The constant perming and overdone 'tan' makeup...well, it's just not me. You look..er.." he pauses, sees her moue of disapproval and settles for, "beguiling. Anyway 'Hart' rhymes with 'Fa ... er the cause of Capt. Commando's recent demise. Unfortunate that." :whistle:

 

In a trice they are more soberly clad and scooping the bodily remains of the unfortunate captain into 'The Superhero Regenerator' (as used on about page four of the Batcave) after a few bleeps and flashing lights out steps the thoroughly repaired Captain Commando. :devil:

 

"No need for thanks, old boy," smiles the Jester :jester: , though his expression freezes as he witnesses the Captain feeling at his newly regenerated lower areas. "Problem, old Crimefighter?" he asks in an horrifically hushed tone, covering The Female Inquisitor's :wacko: eyes with a free hand.

 

By now the Captain has pulled forwards the waistband of his trousers and is staring south muttering "So long...so thick...how..I mean...no one who's ever seen would believe..."

 

Realisation dawns and the relieved Jester :jester: claps him on the back.

 

"Ah, of course, me dear fellow, the last person to use the regenerator was ME! I must have forgotten to reset the 'Underpants' option and now you too have been provided with Captain Webb Super Reinforced Crimefighting Longjohns with Bulletproof Gusset and Emergency Escape Hatch :ph34r: "

 

He smiles once more "I'd like to see the second hand pot noodle that can get through THOSE babies!

 

:jester:

Edited by Jester

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Captain Webb Super Reinforced Crimefighting Longjohns with Bulletproof Gusset and Emergency Escape Hatch  :ph34r: "

Personally, I've always tried to avoid long johns - bit of a give away when you fart and the ankles swell up! ;)

I gave up on the cummerbunds, too, when it reached the point that I had to hold one end while someone else walked round me...

Thanks, though, for regenerating me - i feel positively rejuvinated! A bit disappointed, though, that there weren't any bionic parts available during the rebuilding process (do-do-do-do-do-do-do Boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!).

L&P

CC.

 

PS: It might just be the after-effects of the explosion, but my hearing seems tragically effected...

I was in the shops this morning and the girl behind the counter

said "Captain?"

I said "What?"

She said "Captain?"

I said "What?"

she said "Captain?"

I said "What?"

She said "Captain"

I said "What d'ya want" etc etc etc ad infinitum/ad nauseum... :D

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Mwahhh, harrumph <cough> (cross eyed, red faced and drooling)

 

Happy with another job well done, The Jester :jester: turns from the newly regenerated Capt. Commando (soon to be known as Captain SensibleLongJohns-o ...yes, I recognised the song :devil:) and surveys the Batcave.

 

Wait!

 

A new figure has hoved into view. The Jester :jester: is momentarily bedazzled by the light reflecting from her 'chromo-steel apron' and, for a moment, The Jester :jester: fears that a rift in the time space continuum has opened and a T-25500 series 'Terminator' has come back from the future :ph34r::o to "off" him before he can write a rude end of year report about someone who is currently just another horrible little year 3 but will one day be the Deathless Cyborg Tyrant of the Entire Planet (and has never forgotten being described as 'unable to play nicely with other children'). :robot:

 

(You can gather from this, that The Jester :jester: has moderately disturbed fantasies...like you didn't know :blink: )

 

He winces as the figure speaks, but, instead of a teutonic "I'm a friend ov Zarah Connor and I'll be back" :robot: he is greeted by a more reasonable:

 

"Err - what is this place? And why is that man looking down his trousers and muttering?"

 

"Suffering SENCOs, Superchums," cries the Tweeded One, "we have a new recruit!"

 

Raelien looks not altogether comfortable with being recruited by a man in a jester's hat and tweed jacket, a woman in an Uberthong and kitten heels (with maribou trimmed washing-up gloves), a distracted fellow apparently talking down his own trousers, an elderly blue-haired woman, a caped female with flatulence, a chap with a manic grin, cyling shorts and a large 'Ban Button', a mutant rabbit and ...need I go on?

 

"Perhaps" says the nervous Raelien, "I'm in the wrong place?"

 

The Jester's :jester: pipestem taps in a teacherly way against her armoured chromo-steel pinny and he smiles...

 

"No...Apronator ...I think you're one of us!" :ph34r::ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

 

(Welcome Raelien, 'You don't have to mad to post here but...' oh no, wait a minute, actually ...er...you do)

 

:jester:

Edited by Jester

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