The Batcave

[raelien]

Apronator...... I think - Yes that was once my name

 

 

 

I knew I had this apron of steel for something!

 

"Wow what a place" - but - who's poster of Wham is that?"

 

" you know - youll get crumbs down there " she uttered to the strange fellow now looking down some rather fabulouse looking under garments with a broken hob nob in hand. -

 

"who are you all?"...........

 

 

I have travelled for many days in search of my identity - it was lost after a mother of all battles with THE HEAD!!!!, an unscrupulous women whos only pleasure was beating down diffence-less parents and leaving them crushed and doubting there ability to even bring up their own children.

 

I need somewhere to rest - recoup and gather my resources -

could this be the place where I can be free again- free to help fught the forces of evil, SEN and hobnob haters everywhere.. -

 

My special ability - My APRON of STEEL - a little literal at times - almost pedantic but I can honestly say there hasnt been one single situation where it didnt save the day - unless you count - last week - or the week before or the week before that........................

[baddad]

Overcoming his shock and surprise at his miraculous rejuvenation Captain Sensible nee Commando knee Knobbly to the power of two strode manfully forward.

�Pleased to meet you, Apronator� he offered, �What?s afoot?�

�It?s the terminal point of a leg; connecting with the ankle at an approximate 45 degree angle?�

�My God! You weren?t joking about that ?occasionally over literal?, were you? No, I meant ?what is happening ? what?s occurring??�.

�Well, I don?t really know. You see I just fell into this black hole?�

�Don?t worry, we?ve all been there at some point or other. Valium can help, or for you ladies I?m told chocolate and shopping can bring temporary relief?�

�?And found myself in this strange place. This charming but strangely attired couple were just offering me some guidance and hob-nobs when you strode manfully forward and butted into our conversation with nary a by or leave?�

�Sorry ? that?s the aspie in me? Only a pinch, I think but enough to cause the odd problem or two?�

�?See ? you?re doing it again?�

�?Been like it since childhood ? drove my mother to distraction?

�?Just going off on your own little tangent?�

�?Lovely, woman she was ? well apart from the beatings and verbal abuse?�

�?Without even seeming to realise that?�

�?But my dad was a big bloke: he could handle it?�

�?Other people are trying?�

�?Though he had problems keeping his end up?�

�?To have?�

�? In?�

�? A conversation.�

�? A conversation.�

Simultaneously, they both stopped talking (OK, if you want to get literal about it, the ?both? is redundant, because it?s impossible for one person to stop talking simultaneously, but come on ? give a super-hero a break!) to notice that Jester and the Female Inquisitor had slipped quietly away.

�Funny,� ventured CC, �you?d have thought that damn near impossible given those ridiculous heels and the cavernous, echoing nature of our surroundings. And I noticed she had heels on too!? Now, sorry, you were saying?�

�Yes, I was? I was just explaining that I?ve been running into terrible problems with my arch nemesis ?THE HEAD?.

�?THE HEAD?? Isn?t he that overweight, slitty-eyed baldy from Thunderbirds?�

�No, that?s �THE HOOD�, or Phil Mitchell, as he?s sometimes known. ?THE HEAD? is the head teacher at my littlun?s primary school, and she seems to have made it her mission in life to destroy my son?s education and MY sanity.�

�Given your willing appearance in this section of the forum, I imagine she?s been fairly successful in the latter endeavour then?�

�Yes. And she?s not doing badly with the former, either.� With this the Apronator?s eyes momentarily glaze, and she seems transported to another time and place. �Keep away from him YOU b**ch!!!� she cries, and then, in the voice of a tortured child, �Mostly, she comes at night?mostly�.

CC, somewhat alarmed, smiles falteringly, simultaneously backing off to a safe distance. �Er, look. I?m a bit pushed for time right now. Got to see a man about a, er, rabbit. But we?ll catch up soon, OK? Do lunch or something?� and with a flash of his cape he disappeared into the shadows.

Alone, frightened and fatigued, the Apronator sinks to her knees in the all-engulfing darkness. For a while she struggles against her growing exhaustion, but soon, despite her iron resolve, steel apron and Electro-Plated-Nickel-Silver earrings, sleep takes her. As she drifts into a deep but troubled slumber she fails to register the rhythmic tap-tap-tapping that resounds from the cavernous depths, and her eyes remain unresponsive to the accompanying dim light that approaches?

[baddad]

So, what with all this 'Piano man' and 'The boy with the incredible brain' and stuff, I've been pondering some of the 'meatier' questions of late... String Theory, Butterfly Effect etc. Now, two things that everyone seems to agree on is that in an infinite universe of infinite possibilities, anything that can happen will happen, and (ipso facto) anything that will happen will have already done so.

Which brings me to my next question...

"How was it for you, Kylie?"

 

PS: I'm starting a new club: SLOBS

(stop letting our batcave slip). If you don't join up I'll shoot the rabbit (I'm not foolin' just try me!)

D'ya wanna be in my Gang, my gang my gang...

or do you want the blood of an innocent rabbit on your conscience?

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

[Jester]

Hmmph! Waaa-aargh! <cough>

 

The Jester's bloodshot visage emerges from the Bat Broom Cupboard. Once again a tattered piece of cardboard has been Blu-tak-ed on with 'Staff Room' written on it in board marker. Yes it is QCA test and report writing time!

 

"What is this noise? Hmmph <cough> Can't a chap work in here??" He fixes Capt. Sensible Underwearnowthankgod with a steely eye. Surveying his post he opines "In an infinite universe that comprises ALL possibility, there will be one (of course) in which 'IT' was fantastic for Kylie." There is a moment of horror. "There are also other multi-dimensional parallels in which 'IT' was - instead - fantastic for every other man and woman on the planet plus most animals, some vegetables and perhaps a domestic appliance. Let us never speak of it" <cough, splutter>

 

The door slams almost dislodging the supplementary notice "Staff Only - No Admittance, except, of course, for you Wayne, because you are special and precious and have emotional demands that must be answered whenever you require...including in the middle of Mr. Jester's lunch, a staff meeting or when the Head is trying to hide from you in the tea-caddy. You just crash in son, and start swearing...like always"

 

Grumbling, The Jester returns to marking the test...

 

"The murmaid bourt us fish and eels and seeweed and tuner and lovely fings from the sea. I got crabs."

 

How to mark that, he wonders?!

 

(sorry I've been AWOL Bads)

Edited May 24, 2005 by Jester

[baddad]

"The murmaid bourt us fish and eels and seeweed and tuner and lovely fings from the sea. I got crabs."

 

How to mark that, he wonders?!

 

(sorry I've been AWOL Bads)

10 out of 10, I'd say! "the murmade bort me a duzzen oisters, but only seven of them werked and I pulled a mussel" (another parallel universe!)

Thanks for keepin' yer end up, (f'nar f'nar) 'big J' yu ave bean sorley mist...

Wayne, eh? yor artch nemasiss, I pressume?

[raelien]

disturbed- by the mutterings of someone thru a closing door , the Apronater slowly awakens...

 

Wow its bright in here!

 

Ive just had a terrible dream about Kylie as a Murmaid but I cant quite remember the end.

 

Is there anything to eat here - I'm starving from endlessly wandering and I have a craving for seafood!

 

But I digress - The reason for my wandering - is still out there scuppering the hopes of Parents everywhere - The head! - Rogue and unjust !!! - How can I prepare myself for her next attack - can you - will you help? - Name your price!?

 

The only clue I have of her next move is information that she will be substituting somewhere off the m27! - and a scrap of blue cloth - but I dont know what it means?......

 

 

 

 

(sorry not been on for a bit- had personal emergency - but back for a bit now!)

[Jester]

<cough wheeze>

 

The Jester emerges briefly from exam marking and report writing for strong coffee and aspirin. His head a whirl of random madness.

 

Year 4 child response to the idea that victorian children working in the mines could go for days without seeing sunlight and this affected their health ...

 

"couldn't they - like - bang the coal together and make a fire or sunnink?"

 

Thank you Portia-Carrerra, you have just summed up all the reasons that the North has disliked the South for two centuries! (Like we care...who won the European Cup Eh? Eh?)

 

 

Second thought - have my year 3's been involved with the making of 'celebrity love Island'? Certainly someone appears to believe the words "Celebrity" and "unknown" are interchangeable.

 

 

I want to commission a programme called "Celebrity Sniper Island" ... I think people would watch!

 

But who to have on it? The Choice is yours ...though sadly I don't think we could have Dick and Dom because no-one could decide which one to 'slot' first.

 

 

<sigh> Back to the reports <cough wheeze>

 

[littlenemo]

So, what with all this 'Piano man' and 'The boy with the incredible brain' and stuff, I've been pondering some of the 'meatier' questions of late... String Theory, Butterfly Effect etc.

I doubt the denizens of the 'Cave aren't quite ready for String Theory just yet, or its precursor Thong Theory. Still seem to be stuck in the Longjohn Laws, which, as some may know, were revised in 1666 by Fig Newton when a watermelon fell in his lap.

For those who don't know the Longjohn Laws state:

1. For every action there is an equal and opposite LEA directive;

2. A senco will remain inert unless acted upon by a statement;

3. In an infinite universe all things are possible - except government funding;

4. In an infinite universe a body will always end up sitting under a watermelon tree.

 

String Theory's so much simpler:

In an infinite universe a string will always end up uncomfortably wedged between 2 hemispheres

 

And to explain why I don't usually post on this thread; my altered ego is Tangent Man - with the ability to derail any conversation or thread with a single sentence. Unfortunately it works on friend and foe alike...

 

nemo

[Suze]

Excellent.

[baddad]

Nemo -

Interesting stuff on Longjohn Law, but having touched on "Thong Theory" I think it was remiss of you to completely neglect "Dipthong Theory" (AKA Strine theory) and the pioneering work of Lloyd Grossman into Irritable Vowel Syndrome...

His work, as you will no doubt be aware, has revolutionised the lives and communication of our Antipodean cousins, and is rapidly being assimilated into our own culture...

Now, such noiglegence will naut be ointertoined ? OK?

 

As for Tangent Man -welcome aboard, Sah! It all sounds wonderfully hatstand (wibble wibble).

 

Jestie, old bean - Celebrity Sniper Island - a wonderful idea...

Wasn't it Andy Ahem Warhole who said, everyone will have their five minutes of fame? Pity he didn't mention the two year, prime-time slide into obscurity that would follow it - I'd have binned my TV then and there... Thank heavens for DVD - now real stars like Timmy Mallet, Jimmy Cricket and Tom O'connor, will continue to shine forever

 

L&P

BD

Edited June 4, 2005 by baddad

[baddad]

easy baddad, pierce a hole in the foil lid before peeling back! (yoghurt)

either that or don one self head to toe, in a special "muller light suit" made entirely of sewn together swing bin liners, care to model it for us?

Hi Niki - missed this when you first posted, but tried it today... pierced lid with a cocktail stick and Voila! no embarrassing splashes (well apart from those ones ) Thankyou...

Seems all that work on new, new formula Snibbo was a wasted effort...

I'll give the bin liner "Muller light suit" a miss, and refer you back to the 'spandex leotard' incident of last year's partay

L&P

BD

[baddad]

Robinson Barley-Walters by Willum DeFoe.

 

FX: Title music - Da da da da da da?Da da da da, da da dadada?

(Soft dissolve to lapping waves on sandy, tropical beach and exhausted, near drowned figure lying prostrate in the surf)?

Rolling Caption: DAY ONE?

 

ROBINSON (VOICEOVER): I have no idea of how many days I had lain unconscious, but I awoke with a ravenous hunger and a raging thirst. While searching for food and water I recalled the terrifying events of the storm; my pedallo pitching back and forth in the darkness; the hideous screams of the other eighteen-thirtiers who had shared the craft and who weren?t so fortunate; the restless churning of fear deep in my gut? or was that just the Lamb Dhansak?

Just when I thought I must surely once again succumb to hunger and exhaustion, dame fortune smiled on me; a coconut fell from the fronds above, missing my shoulder by inches. It landed squarely on my head?

It cracked wide open, providing me with juice to slake my thirst and flesh to curb my immediate appetite. Now if only I could open the coconut?

Wandering down into the surf I found embedded in the sand a large rock, and struck the coconut against it until it fractured. Now if only I could open the coconut?

Five rocks later, and still the coconut defied me. I tossed it onto the sand, where it rolled briefly before cracking neatly into two halves (why always two?), both of which remained filled with the unspilled liquor from within. Now what are the chances of that happening?

As I sat eating the moist coconut flesh (�A taste of Paradise� ? Two single bars for 25p ?what a bargain already, oi vay!) a large crab wandered up the beach. I contemplated it, should I, shouldn?t I? No ? catching crabs on a sun-drenched beach was, I knew from experience, not a good idea. I have a mild allergy to shellfish; I?d only end up all blotchy and puffed up?

 

[Whadda you mean �even more than usual�? ? Nahhhhh Ya brudder drinks pickle juice!]?

 

Having eaten my fill and sated my thirst, I sat on the beach and contemplated my predicament [F?nar F?nar!]?

I wondered if I could handle it [Yak Yak!], or whether I would succumb in isolation to insanity and fall thrashing and foaming to the ground [Fwoooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!]?

 

Wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

 

FX: Slow dissolve from distraught figure weeping uncontrollably on the beach to black, then credits and title music?

Da da da da da da?Da da da da, da da dadada?

 

Episode 16

 

FX: Title music - Da da da da da da?Da da da da, da da dadada?

(Soft dissolve to lapping waves on sandy, tropical beach where a much thinner and tattier, straggle-bearded Robinson sits cross legged - back to camera - alone on the beach. From this angle, we can?t see what he?s doing, but his head is bobbing up and down and his shoulders are pumping vigorously.)?

 

ROLLING CAPTION: DAY ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND THREE?

 

ROBINSON (VOICEOVER): For three days I had been attempting to light a fire by rubbing two palm sticks together. Eventually, I gave up on that, and tried rubbing two matchsticks together?

 

FX: (Sound of match flare, and immediately over Robison?s shoulder we see wisps of smoke and the flickering of a small fire.)

 

ROBINSON (VOICEOVER): On seeing the tiny, dancing flame I was overcome with elation. Quickly I added additional fuel to keep the meagre torch burning?

 

(He picks up a large, red billycan marked ?Kerosene? and heaves it?s contents onto the fire)

FX: ?WHOOOOMP? of sudden, massive ignition, flames shoot into the sky emitting a roiling black cloud of smoke. ROBINSON turns to camera revealing comic ?black and white minstrels? sooty face a la the Goodies 1978 Xmas special?)

 

ROBINSON (aloud, to camera): ######!

 

Slow cross fade to Robinson moving around an ?erection? (F?nar F?nar!) on the beach - a full size halved oil-drum barbecue.

 

ROBINSON (VOICEOVER): I had fashioned myself a crude cooking platform from bits and pieces washed up on the beach?

 

[This is, in fact, a massive and obvious understatement: The Barbecue is fully equipped with multi-tier cooking platforms and a rotisserie, a wooden side table and preparation area and a full range of utensils and cooking cages for fish, sausage, etc etc.]

 

Further, I had discovered that My Island held an abundance of flora and fauna on which I could feed?

 

[He adds two massive kebab skewers filled with beef, peppers, onion and mushroom to the grill, which is already heaving with sausages, burgers, spatchcock chickens, and ? at the cool end ? Pitta bread. We can now see around Robinson to the prep area, where various sized bowls ? apparently hand ?chipped? from solid rock ? are filled with mixed salad(s), couscous, ?rrrraice- and- peas? and the inevitable chilli sauce]

 

In fact, if it wasn?t for my rigorous exercise routine?

 

[He waves a hand which the camera follows to reveal a stunning array of exercise equipment; Weight sets and bench; exercise bike; running machine etc all - like the bowls on the table ? seemingly carved directly from solid rock!]

 

I would probably have looked like Fatty Arbuckle?s bigger brother?

None of these compensations however could help to overcome the terrible loneliness that beset me. True, I had managed to make friends with some of the animals on the island?

 

FX: Screen shots in rotation of: Cute Kitten playing on beach with ball of string; Miniature Schnauzer (Colin!) ?begging? for food; Bewildered looking Nanny Goat, wearing a floral print dress, lipstick and drop earrings.

 

But these too offered little comfort to offset my burgeoning need for human interaction?AND THEN, after almost 2000 days, it happened? I saw for the first time a boat on the distant horizon?

 

[in a scramble of frantic activity we see Robinson lighting and fanning a huge signal fire, jumping up and down waving his hands in the air, firing smoke flares into the sky and blowing a loud whistle, waving semaphore flags etc etc etc. Interspersed between these shots the camera pans to sea, where we sea a small, open topped boat slowly but steadily approaching. Initially we can see only the boat, but as it approaches we just start to make out the figure of a girl with long blonde hair wearing a bikini. She is shading her eyes and peering toward the island. Cut back to Robinson, who is looking back at the girl through a pair of enormous, ?rock-hewn? binoculars]

 

ROBINSON (aloud to camera, dropping binoculars in shock): #$�# me! It?s Abi Titmuss!

 

[Turns and runs back up the beach, disappearing rapidly over the sand dunes into the depths of the jungle forest].

Fade to Music and titles: Da da da da da da?Da da da da, da da dadada?

[littlenemo]

Robinson Crewcut by William Duffer

 

He ran through the forest for a couple of minutes, then collapsed gasping onto a tree stump. He knew he was in deep doodoo. Trapped in the heart of an impassable jungle, but at least he had escaped the Village. He thought back to that dreadful week at the club1830. How was he to know it was a 19th century military re-enactment 'holiday', run by a madman who never stopped talking, Wayne "Gag me" Witherspoon. But just as our hero was giving up Hope (she realised that this wasn't Celebrity Love Island after all) he spotted a column of smoke rising from ahead.

Well, a smoking head's better than nothing," thought Rob, so he set off towards it.

 

As he emerged from the jungle on the other side of the island Robinson spotted a native,sitting on the beach by a camp fire (very camp - the rocks around it were all mother of pearl), eating the last of a colourful fish dish.

"TGIF!" he cried.

"Sorry b'nana but I'm his brother Sunday. I was Week Last Wednesday, but I'm better now."

Sunday finished off the last of his meal with Rob looking on hungrily.

"What was that?" asked our starving castaway.

"Found Nemo." replied Sunday, wiping his mouth.

 

"So you're Sunday?" asked Rob.

"So what? You would be too, if you'd just swum over here then laid down on a beach."

"So what are you running for?" Sunday asked.

"President of the island - will you vote for me?" replied Rob, putting on his cheesiest smile.

'No, what are you running from?" explained Sunday.

A look of abject terror replaced the smile. "Abi Titmus will be here any minute! Run for your life!"

Sunday looked bemused. "I ain't scared of no Beatrix Potter book! I'm hypolexic."

"You mean hyperlexic, surely?" replied Rob.

"No, hypo. I can instantly fail to read anything in front of me. And don't call me Shirley."

"Sorry. No, my friend, Abi Titmus isn't a kid's book, she's..." [insert your own description as Nemo, being completely out of tune with the modern world, has to admit he's never heard of her.]

 

"If I were you, I'd swim, rather than run. This island's too small to run far, but the mainland is just over there" said Sunday, pointing to a hazy piece of land in the distance that Rob thought he could make out. "That's Bali, where I come from."

"So what's this sea?" asked Rob.

"Wet." replied Sunday.

"No, what's it called?"

Ah, you Europeans, always needing to name things. We just call it the sea."

"In that case I shall name it after its discoverer. From now on it will be Robinson's Bali Water."

 

Ah, but is the mainland really there or is it a mirage?" wondered Rob.

"It must be real - a Mirage is a jet fighter." pointed out Sunday.

"Who'd want to fight a jet? Or is it one of those manga shows on Cartoon Network? Anyway, I just wanted to know if it was real, imaginary or quantum, like Raelien."

"Raelien?" Sunday looked bemused.

"Schroedinger's cat, called Raelien. She was put in a box where she became a quantum cat - either dead or alive,but not both."

"Didn't Shrewthingy feed it?" wondered Sunday.

"No, you don't understand." replied an exasperated Rob. " I'll put it another way: imagine a group of people with alter egos creating an imaginary world with a virtual Batcave so that their alter egos' alter egos can dwell on personal hygiene problems and super-undies. The question quantum theorists need to answer is - are their personal hygiene problems real?"

 

Sunday removed the glazed expression from his face (wire wool and turps works best), then stared in horror and pointed towards the jungle. Rob turned to see a bus coming straight at them out of the jungle, and who should be driving, but Abi Titmus.

"Oh no, it's the Abi National Express!" screamed Rob. "Swim for your life!"

 

 

Will our resourceful hero escape? Do we care? And are those resources the ones our kids' schools are missing? All (or less) will be revealed in next week's exciting episode...

[baddad]

"Oh no, it's the Abi National Express!" screamed Rob. "Swim for your life!"

I could smell that pun from outside!

Never heard of her? You mean you haven't got the Abi habit yet?

Schroedinger's cat - i heard he was definitely dead; a silent tree fell on him in the middle of a deserted forest. Bad Cat, Naughty cat - back in your basket!

KUTGW!

L&P

BD

[Suze]

What are you guys on.....does it come naturally or take all day to think these up.I am in awe at your literary prowess. ........

[baddad]

Can't speak for LN, Suze - But sadly my brain sometimes does this sort of stuff all day... I can switch it off, but sometimes it's hard (F'nar F'nar) to keep it from 'spilling out' (Yak Yak) into everyday conversations... Great (or should that be 'grates'?) at parties or down the pub, but not so good at school reviews or job interviews. Will admit, though, that the F'nar F'nar stuff is stepped up somewhat for the batcave... did it in my first post (See!) and it sort of grew (No avoiding it!) from there. If I actually did it (Whoo Whoo) in real life, even I wouldn't speak to me!

L&P

BD

[littlenemo]

Same here

Some days it just won't stop dribbling out, and though I don't do parties, it can be very useful for derailing Com's train of thought when he's heading for meltdown (if the timing's right).

'F'nar F'nar' hasn't been my style up till now, but I'm finding that the more I read by Baddad, the more I feel like slipping one in (F'nar F'naaargh)...

 

nemo

[Jester]

Abi sways down the beach towards the Robinsons ...

 

"Look at that outfit!" breathes one

"Sarong" corrects the other

"What sarong?"

"Whassa wrong? Well her top half doesn't look natural for a start"

 

She arrives.

 

"Hello boys" she murmers, producing a hip flask from somewhere beneath the sarong "You have been here a long time. Drink?"

 

They drink gratefully. She produces a pack of ciggies from somewhere "Care for a smoke?"

 

They nod.

 

"You poor boys,"she purrs, "you have been all alone for soooolong" She reaches for the clasp of her halter top "Would you like to play around?"

 

"My God!" cries Robinson 1, "You mean you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

 

"I told you they weren't natural" reminds Robinson 2

 

[baddad]

Jestie, You old Roister Doister!! How does 'the muse' come upon you? Are you be-devilled and plagued like LN and I? There must be some hellish temptations in the staffroom - I reckon I would have been 'expelled' long ago in your shoes!

LN- Beware of the "F'nar F'nar" it starts small (F'nar F'nar), but when it gets a grip (Yak Yak) there's just no stopping it (PHWOOOOAAAAAARRRRrrrr!!)...

 

_____-

 

And so it came to pass that in the fifth year of the second millennium following the birth of Our Lord, the ubiquitous Golf joke made it?s debut appearance within these hallowed walls, and, lo, there was rejoicing throughout the length and breadth of the batcave?

And the brothers and sisters did raise their voices as one to heaven, and did drink of the heady bounty of Bacchus and feast upon the beasts of the field and the fowl of the air? The lamb, and the goat, and the chicken, and the duck and the fish and the pheasant and the cockle (but not of the oyster as Einstein had warned against it) and the anchovy?

And thus it was that Baddad came ? with nary a ?F?nar? or a ?Yak? ? and did insert unto the thread one of his own personal favourites, and lo there was a great weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, for verily it was cr*p? ? ?

 

So, she?s pulls out the golf bag, and they tee up on the first, a short par three... Now the green?s quite a small one, and immediately behind it there?s a field of grazing cattle. Unperturbed, Robinson places his shot smack in the middle of the green, but Abi overestimates and shoots her ball right over the back and into the field beyond?

Half hour later they?re circuiting the field for the umpteenth time, but there?s still no sign of the ball... Then, just as they?re about to give up, Robinson notices a brief flash of white from behind the swishing tail of one of the cows. He stoops down for a better view, and ? sure enough: Swish, Swish, Swish, Flash, Flash, Flash, there?s definitely a golf ball?

�Abi�, he cries, over here quick�? and as she approaches he holds the cows tail to one side, points and asks �Does that look like yours?� And she hit him on the head with a five iron?

 

L&P

BD

[Jester]

Ho Badders,

 

How doth the Muse come upon me(?) ...sadly, I am like this all the time.

 

No - I don't understand why I still have ANY sort of job, let alone teaching the young and impressionable (though they are seldom such at St Hillbillies Academy)

 

All I will say is that our Dep. Head staggered this very day into the staffroom and went for the coffee claiming she had had an interview with a parent that was:

 

(and I really am quoting this except for my name change)

 

"...so utterly weird that I began to worry that real life is beginning to resemble the inside of (Jester's) head..."

 

I'm not expecting a call up to the Senior Management Team, then!

 

Jester

[Suze]

Robinson rubs his head "that hurt Abs!".He has ringing in his ears,then it turns to drummimg..as he looks up he realises the noise is actually a small golf buggy bouncing along on the beach...and headed in their direction.A raisin coloured figure with largely enhanced chest is bouncing ...along in the drivers seat. Abi lets out an excited squeal..."its Rebecca Loos my bosom buddy from Spot the Celebrity Island"....Rebecca pulls up along side the group ...and gasps in delight "can I play a few holes with you guys?".Robinson and Sunday both blush and look at the ground..."we,ve lost our ball in this long grass ", Abi wails in dismay...."Abi honey bun don,t cry I,ll help you find your ball ...what does it look like?".Abi rolls her eyes ....."Durgh!...It,s a golf ball small white and hard".....Rebecca waves her arms skyward and then looks back at the group..."Abi"...she says in a condescending tone.."you know I only play with Golden Balls"!!!!!.

[littlenemo]

"you know I only play with Golden Balls"!!!!!.

Is this a reference to Baddad?

 

(One day I'll join the rest of you in the 21st century)

 

nemo

[Suze]

You mean you missed the gossip of the century...Rebecca Loos "claiming" to have had indecent rumpy pumpy with David Golden Balls Beckham....on second thoughts maybe you got confused with Baddad Bouncy Balls ..........In case you were worried for my sanity the preoccupation with ball references simply lies in the fact that I don,t think the "bouncy"emoticon gets used enough.

[baddad]

Time for an old AC/DC track especially for Suzy then...

 

"Oh, I've got big

Yes I've got big

Such great big

They're dirty big

And he's got big

And she's got big

But We've got the biggest

of them all"

 

L&P

BD

 

Now if only this forum had sound effects! BOOOOOOOOOooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg!!!!!

[Suze]

OOOOHHHHH!.........Thats made my eyes go funny....

[baddad]

OOOOHHHHH!.........Thats made my eyes go funny....

F'NAR F'NAR. YAK YAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Suze]

Baddad !.......Thats made them water ...go and sit on the naughty step

[Jester]

Hi Guys

 

Bid has kindly informed me that, according to something she's just read, "40 is the new 30".

 

I'm sure this is supposed - in some way - to cheer us up. Make us feel it's ok to wear crop tops and beer guts or join the kids in the skate park or get your ear pierced and go to discos in the belief that twenty year olds will think you're only 30.

 

Purleeeeze.

 

Personally I just think: "So, not only am I losing my hair and vision. I've got dodgy knees, a bad back and a varicose vein...and APPARENTLY I'm only "really" 30!"

 

Remember The optimist says "My glass is half full", the pessimist says "My glass is half empty" but the Jester says "I'm running low here...whose turn is it to go to the bar?"!!

 

[baddad]

Hi Guys

 

Bid has kindly informed me that, according to something she's just read, "40 is the new 30".

Yeah, but only in a good light and then only 'til midnight... I've had many a scare in a nightclub bog when the stresses of the day have finally caught up with me...

It's scary as hell, but I reckon I can do two decades in one night: start out looking ten years younger than I actually am, finish up looking ten years older...

Still, you're only as old as the woman you feel, so officially I'm zero!

And lets face it, If I'm looking ten years older after midnight, exactly the same effects happening with the 'atomic mutton' in the girls cubicle, so chances are they'll be lowering their sights anyway!

L&P

BD

PS: Suze: Can't remember the last time a woman said that to me Bow Wow!

Edited June 12, 2005 by baddad

[Jester]

Hi Guys

 

Another great scheme to make money (after the Batcave Action Figures didn't sell) has come upon me.

 

My school has been informed by one of the Midday's that she is quitting AND will sue the Head because she was not offered a job as a Classroom Assistant. Never mind her complete lack of qualification and/or suitability for this post...she hadn't actually even applied for it. She seems to have assumed that, as many MDA's have gone on to be CA's that it is some sort of career path that has been denied her.

 

My point is that there are literally MILLIONS of people out there who have never offered me a job...if I threaten to sue but agree to settle out of court for -say - a quid each, then I will be able to retire, they only lose a quid and there are no costly legal proceedings.

 

I'll start with George Bush...he seems a bit limited and it is a demonstrable fact that I was not offered any jobs in his administration, so I'm a couple of dollars up already!

 

Or should I go for a quid for EACH job? Head of FBI, NSA, CIA etc?

 

If it works then I'll let you know...we can all do it and get enough to finance the education our kids deserve.

 

Peace - up to a point

 

Jester

[baddad]

Another great scheme to make money (after the Batcave Action Figures didn't sell) has come upon me.

And they were selling like hot cakes before that $~#'@%$ Nicky Campbell revealed all about the lead paint! PAH!

Good luck with the scheme, Jestie - sounds like you're on a winner to me

L&P

BD

[Lisajb]

OMG we're on page 12!

 

You can tell how long its been since I was last here

 

 

Lisa

[Jester]

Captain's Log. Stardate 93/23.69

 

Incident regarding the temporary loss of the USS Krism - Admiral Jester Reporting

 

...and we had just stopped at the Neutral Zone when we received aboard the Klingon Ambassador - Admiral G'nad of the battlecruiser T'Es.

 

I greeted him with the traditional "Ka'plakk, gnurr hxt trakkk fr'nn kkk, G'nad"

 

and he replied correctly "Ka'plakk, J's't'r drp ankrkk"

 

after a certain amount of chat and dribbling we were approached by my Morale and Entertainments officer - Captain Commando - who said:

 

"I'll get you a drink, Ambassador, if you can just cling on for a moment..phnarr phnarr yak yak"

 

He was not to know that 'Phnarr Phnarr Yak Yak' is, of course, the deadliest insult available in the Klingon Language.

 

In the ensuing space battle all ship's systems went offline for a few days. I can only apologise.

 

End of Log Entry

 

Welcome back everyone!

Edited June 28, 2005 by Jester

[bid]

The Female Inquisitor might have known Captain Commando would be at the bottom of this!!

 

F'narr Yak right back at yer!

 

Bid

Edited June 28, 2005 by bid

[baddad]

OI! Badger and Bodger, how DUR you accuse me of being responsible for the outage outrage - especially over such a weak pun...

What i actually said was "Ah, Ambassador, you are spoiling us with your big, shiny, gift wrapped balls", and then there was a misunderstanding when I introduced our flight leiutenant as "Uhura of the first order"...

F'nar F'nar, Yak Yak, Love and Peace

BD

Off now to do some necessary 'stuff' - only popped in to check the forum still alive and kicking- but (as Arnie said when he fell in the bacon slicer) I'll be back...

BD

[baddad]

Sometimes even though I?ve got nothing particular to say I like saying it anyway. What do you mean, "No surprise there then?"... These are a few thoughts and moments from my weekend, for anyone daft enough to bother reading them?

 

On Saturday we went shopping. Just after we started we had a conversation with a nice Chinese lady in the fruit and veg section about the merits of different varieties of apples. Ben was helping, so I?m giving all the usual instructions: �careful Ben, gently Ben, look with your eyes, not your fingers Ben? Later, we saw the same Lady again in the Deli section: �try and stand still Ben, mind your step Ben, Stop fiddling Ben�, and then in the chilled section: �Careful Ben, leave the trolley alone Ben, don?t grab Ben�?Later still, she was on the next checkout to us: �Watch the eggs Ben, Mind the flowers, wait just a minute?

�He?s very useful�, said the Chinese lady,

�Yes, isn?t he�, I joked, �I use him as a threat to jump the queue!�

By the time the conveyors started Ben?s sitting eating a fruit and nut bar I?ve checked through to keep him quiet. The Chinese lady is leaving.

�He?s a very good little boy,� she says.

�Yes he is� I reply proudly.

�So why do you keep nagging him all the time?�

 

 

Thing is, shopping USED TO be absolute hell. Over the past year or so Ben?s patience and self-control have improved amazingly. I DO praise him loads, honestly, but it took this lady?s perspective for me to realise just how much I?ve taken him for granted recently, and just how unfair it is to keep moving the goalposts??

 

 

 

Sunday was a bit of a wash out?loads of ?stuff? to get done, and weather that didn?t seem to know what it was going to do. I kept asking Ben to get ready for a trip out, but every time he?d just ?started something new?? Finally, it got to about 3 in the afternoon, and he?s completely absorbed in �Gamemaker Lite� on his PC.

�Come on, Ben. Switch that stupid thing off and we?ll go to the park�.

�I don?t want to. I want to finish this.�

�But it?s such a waste of the day�

�Well it is TO YOU?�

 

How the hell did he get so grown up so quickly? He?s got HOBBIES. He?s got his own AGENDA??? Magic and Loss?

 

So, Ben?s upstairs with �Gamemaker Lite�, so I decide to listen to some music. I?m feeling a bit melancholy, so dig out Kate Bush?s �Hounds of Love�, and I happen to notice (NOTICE that is, rather than just notice, if you see what I mean) that it was released in 1985. NINETEEN EIGHTY-FIVE. Twenty Years Ago. TWENTY YEARS AGO? (OK I know that whole Live8 thing's going on, but the penny hadn't dropped, 'cos that's HISTORY while one albums just history...)

 

How the hell did I get so grown up so quickly? HELP?? Same as it ever was?

 

Then at bedtime: -

BEN: I don?t want to go to school tomorrow. People tickle me all the time. Even when I don?t want them to and I ask them to stop.

ME: Oh! Who tickles you then? You?ve never said it before.

BEN: Well, not everyone. Emily, mostly.

ME (smiling): Oh? Emily, eh? How often does she do it then?

BEN: Every day, nearly. Most days?

 

Anyone else thinking what I?m thinking? Sad thing is, he only has eyes for Chloe!

[Suze]

OH Bless!......they do grow up, my lovely aspie is 10 but wears age 12 he,s very tall.He love,s kisses and hugs and squeezes the life out of me. He is so mechanically minded and put the car battery on charge for me last week. He can be very helpful and loves making cups of tea.( this can disturb my OCD greatly when he leaves marks and the wet t-bags in the sink! ).But can you all keep a secret....I creep in his room to check on him every night and when I look at him then he still looks like my baby .....

[Jester]

"Mwaarrghh Harrumph blarg wazzat?"

 

Who is the mystery figure that has come dripping into the Batcave? A succession of little puddles of water track his progress across the Batlino and there is a slight 'squish' noise at each footfall as his hush-puppies expel more rainwater. His tweed jacket has all but disintegrated and is only, in fact, held together by the leather elbow patches.

 

"Mwaarghh! <racking cough> Blearrgh...Sportsday!" he coughs.

 

"What do you mean, Superdarling?" asks The Female Inquisitor.

 

The Jester (for it is he) looks at his ruined trousers...if he was in Year 1, you'd just know he had a shoe full of wee. "Neither wind nor rain nor fall of snow" he intones "shall delay them in their appointed rounds...or local area track finals"

 

"How was it?" asks his beloved and loyal Supersqueeze

 

"We lost most of the individual races, but the relays went well...and after an hour of rain we got second in the waterpolo and the 50 metres backstroke"

 

He squishes of to the costume cupboard looking for dry clothes and a drier martini.

 

[baddad]

Hope you found some dry clothes and that Martini (shaken, not stirred I presume), and that you are by now warmly ensconced in the armchair and gently steaming; Give your supersqueeze another squeeze, and she might even find you an olive (or at the very least a silverskin and glace cherry!)...

Ben's sports day tomorrow, and one glance at the agenda convinced me that the world is now a very different place to the one I grew up in...

Here's the events list:

1: Bulls Eye ('You'll remember this dartboard for the rest of your life")

2: Tennis Ball Balance

3: Skipping

4: Ball throwing (Can't let that sneak past, can we Suze? Here we go: )

5: Rugby Tunnel Ball

6: Stepping Stones

7: Bean bag Sprint

8: Hop, Skip and Run (Run, RUN... what happened to the jump?)

9: Hoopla

10: Obstacle Race (ahhh, I remember that one)

11: Dribbling (I think this involves a football. If not, it's odds on that Bertie 'Bonjella' Bagshot from 3c will take this one. Gingivitis and 'nervous tension')

12: Speedy Shuttles.

 

Thats it: No egg and spoon (there was that nasty salmonella incident last year), no three legged race (too many complaints about the yellow house's 'plant' from the Isle of Man), and no slow bicycle. [Digressing for the moment in MY school days the slow bicycle race was always won by the headmaster's son... I always thought it was a bit of a 'fix' as he was the only kid in the school with a bicycle. Half of us didn't even have LACES. The other half didn't have SHOES. My brother Richard was known for ages as "The Duke Of Wellington", as this was all he had to wear, rain or shine, throughout his years in the infants. For the final year, my mum had to cut the toe caps off to stop them pinching. The only kid in Kent to suffer welly welt in the middle of August!]

 

Now, if you think that's radical, here's the "instructions":

 

The school will be divided into four colour houses. These houses themselves are divided into four house teams of mixed age range. There will be sixteen teams altogether, with brothers and sisters in the same team. [For anyone who might have concerns, I'm fairly sure that is a move to cut down on sibling rivalry, and has nothing to do with racial segregation!]

The sports field is set out in a large rectangle (see diagram) containing twelve stations, each station containing a specific activity. You will notice that outside the rectangle are four rest stations, making sixteen stations in all. Sixteen teams - sixteen stations...

 

You get the idea...

 

For anyone wishing for more 'Sports Day Fun', can i recommend the book "May Contain Nuts" by Oh-######-I've-forgotten-his-name... There's this wonderful 'bit' (that's a technical term, 'bit' ) about the toddlers race at a snobby nursery school in Hampstead, the imagary of which will leave you in tears...

 

Changing the subject completely, ben was looking over my shoulder just now reading the threads. "I hate that stupid one, it's always there" he said, pointing at my Finbarr avatar. "Read the name underneath, Ben" I suggest. "Oh, i like it now!" he says Dats My Boy! haven't been 'Scratt' for months, and he's only just noticed

L&P all

BD.

PS: No parents race, either... Ben is soooooo Grateful!

[Suze]

Thanks guys you have brightened a very wet dreary day.Stuck at home with a toddler with a sick bug.There,s vomit everywhere! Three loads of wet washing waiting to go on the line, and I,ve run out of Febreze. . I dread sports day!Far too competitive.Parents complaining if their kid gets put in with the "athletes", asking for kids to be dis-qualified cos they ran out of their lane! My son approaches each race in a Forrest Gump fashion (was he an aspie? ), runs head high chest out and keeps going!........Probably gets his prowess from his mum....always last to be picked for any team (even when my best mate was a team captain)...When we played rounders it was always .."Suze your in deep field between 1st and 2nd base.Of course the only time a ball came anywhere close to me was when we had a left hander which always prompted the responce "leftie" and I was then surrounded by the rest of the team, never came close to the ball used to stand on my own in the wilderness twiddling my shaggy perm .