The Batcave

[mel]

mel bursts into the cave, hopping and prancing with contorted face and legs crossed........

 

"sorry to butt in superguys/gals, bursting for batloo....just mopped up mess in mine"

 

and off she rushes, tossing various bottles of plonk onto the bat table

 

"help yourselves, but the thorntons liqueur (<---did i spell that right??) is mine"

[Suze]

The cupboard door creaks open and a pair of humungous... silicone.. super hero -bouncers come into the light,closely followed by a body.Hob nob crumbs scatter on to the bat cave floor as the crooked figure stretches arms and legs "ooh thats better it was getting cramped in there."......then the beady eyes begin to adjust to the light and spy the stash of alcohol on the table"yipee a nice Pinot Grigio and twiglets too ".Just then a loud clatter comes from the batbog the loo seat crashes down and a loud flush is heard."........."whose that" asks Suze...."it,s me Mel".............."Mel thank goodness your here" cries Suze."I,ve been in that cupboard for an eternity, I don,t know where all the heroes have gone there,s so much for us to do, ....Lea,s to challenge ,.....Senco,s to out -wit....... ....don,t know where to begin "........."Well lets start with the Pinot " says Mel ."excellent idea" replies Suze .

[annie]

The commotion outside wakes annie. she wipes the dribble from the side of her mouth. 'I'm sure I just heard voices' she thinks to herself. the words Pinot and twiglets keep repeating themselves in her head. All of a sudden she hears screaming and people singing 'the wheels on the bus go round and round'.........no, it can't be, she thinks......those dreaded SENCOs have sent the nursery assistants on a mission to find the Batcave quick as a flash she gets herself into position, gets rid of the wrinkly knees on her lurex leggings and grabs the nearest thing to her for protection......... a can of SENCO repellent spray. like a bat out of hell, she kicks open the cupboard door (yet another cupboard, how many cupboards can a Batcave have)? and finds Suze and Mel, each holding a pint glass of Pinot and devouring twiglets........singing Robbie William's 'angels'.

[baddad]

I sayyyyyyyyyyyyy chaps (think Terry Thomas/Leslie Phillips) a veritable explosion of P***ed totty on the loose. Things are looking up around here

Now, where did i leave my "wot wig" (no one will ever believe it's a wig... a dead cat, old mop head possibly, but never a wig!) and the Gaythornes and Wutherings advanced leather male corset? Just look at that one - ... Always knew there was a slight shortage of oxygen down here, but wasn't aware that GRAVITY was in short supply too! Why, that defies all laws of nature...

Pinot Gris? Try saying that after a few glasses!

 

Getting serious, VERY BRIEFLY, absolutely wonderful to see such enthusiasm round here again... It's been a lond dark 'teatime of the soul' over th3e school hols. Thanx girls, you've made an old man very happy. Or is that a happy man very old?

BD

[mel]

mel staggers up holding head in hands, "Urghhh" she groans, "just how many pints of pinot did i drink last night, and where on earth did this traffic cone come from.?"

"oh no, 7am. i have to jump on my broomstick and get the kids to school."

She straightens black bin bag and hitches up red tights "time to face unresponsive teacher again. pulling pointy black hat firmly onto hung-over head, she sits astride her broom and zooms out of the batcave.

"see you all SOOOOOOOooooooooon"

 

oh yeah...quick intro....im mel, wonderful significant other is an aspie with an aspie son...im lucky to have such fantastic people in my life.

 

ta ra for now

[Suze]

.........."and frough it aallll she offerz me profection a little wuv and offection ".......well it,s a sad fact , in a heap on the floor several empty pinot grigio bottles a crumpled halloween hat, a bin bag??? and two stupifeid bodies.One with humungous silicone enhanced bodsom (did I mention them ??)..............The Batcave is quiet except for the faint murmurings of Robbies Angels.....(now there,s a good name for a batcave super hero duo ).....Then the creak of another cupboard door...."whazz that??"...Suze and Mel slur in unison?....Out into the light comes a crumpled lycra encased figure...empty hob nob packets rustle as she creeps from her lair, she uncurls her stooped figure and stands before them taller now proud chest thrust forward legs a kimbo, hands firmly on hips..........a sharp intake of breathe is heard in the Batcave.......Mel and Suze(were,nt they a comedy duo who advertise kingsmoll bread???).......anyway Mel and Suze gasp "no no it can,t be"they splutter"........they fall on their knee,s at the superheroes plimsoled feet and worship....."ANNNNNIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"........THEY SCREAM!! ............"please please get up , get up Robbies Angels " she says to the girls."now I hope you,ve not drunk all that Pinot young ladies "........aloud pop is heard as another bottle of plonk is uncorked.....the three girls look round,"whose that is there someone else with us???" Annie shouts into the darkness.From the dark dim light deep in the batcave tunnel a figure can be seen coming towards them.It appears to be a man swaggering with the confidence of the well informed......."no it can,t be ..can it?", Mel and Suze turn and ask Annie......."Oh yes I think it is ...he,s back but more confident and experienced now........he,s a Moderator!!!!!.....Annie says.....as the figure gets closer the girls notice a bottle under his arm and four empty wine glasses entwined in his hands. He approaches the girls......Well ladies " he drawls "It,s been a long time".............................................

[annie]

Judge Thredd wraps his arms around them........closer to his man boobs than anybody has ever been before ........boy, are we pleased to see you Judge.....love the new outfit , as they all continue to knock back glass upon glass of wine and the specially bottled '1972 Badder's branded champagne', the pile of empties in the corner of the Batcave is growing rapidly. Annie explains how she corrected the rumours that she had heard......'he's batting for the other side now' ......NO, she quickly retaliated, he's simply been promoted to 'Moderator' and well deserved too......as the supply of alcohol and twiglets began to dwindle, a shadow encased in bright light stood at the opening of the Batcave.......in unison the four (by now blurry-eyed super-heroes) gasped..........who'zzzzzzzat?........could it be the Head from Hell?????....... or is it another super-hero returning to the Batcave after the loooooooonnnnng summer holidays???? to be continued...................

[baddad]

By Gum, that bottle bank'll be seeing some hefty deposits made this weekend, girls

Robbie's angels? you sound more of a right bunch of Charlies to me

 

What's the difference between Robbie Williams and a career nosedive? Here's hoping! Some people say he looks like Norman Wisdom. I think he sounds like Norman Wisdom, and i *$�&$$�** HATE Norman Wisdom!!

Man boobs??? How DUR you!! I have a body like Atlas...well, more of a globe really, but close enough...

The '72 was awful, by the way - late frosts and the grape-treader had a bad case of athletes foot......

 

Keep up the good work, ladies, but dispose of the empties wisely or you'll get the neighbours talking...

L&P

JCL

[Suze]

....the harsh glare makes their eyes weep.....the four super-heroes hold up their hands to shield them from the hypnotic light that streams into the cave. The 3 girls huddle behind Judge thredds huge- ly massive hulking body( )........ "donz,t woory chicks hic hic....I,llz protect yooz" he slurs.....the three Angels look at each other..... realisation dawns. .....the dawn of a new morning appears ....new opportunities....challenges....and LEA thwarting is upon them.Quick as a flash the chicks jump up."Come on sisters "cries Suze....."we must sieze this oppurtunity given to us"........Judge thredd sits up looking expectant and hopeful ......"We must take up the fight Pooks and Carolj ,started ....we must continue the quest,... the fight for justice for all parents and kiddy winks , we must challenge Lea red tape, swipe down and defeat slimy Senco,s, stupify evil headmaster with our wisdom and knowledge".....she draws breath......"right I,m off to get into some lycra, sequins ,a big support bra and a bigger cape to cover the old botty".......She turns and opens the cupboard door....."Hold on shouts Mel.....I,m coming with you this bin bag,s gone all sweaty"Annie jumps up too full of fight and drive "Count me in I,m on the mission too" Judge Thredd heaves himself up...."is there any room for me in the cupboard??"...he asks hopefully....."you know says Suze as she turns towards him (careful not to knock him over with her hugely humungous silicone enhanced chest......did I mention them???.....).....I think I,ve got just the outfit for you in here"...............(can,t wait to see him in some lycra hot pants )..........the cupboard door creaks shut and once again the cave is still......quiet and peaceful......but for how long.What outfits will the chicks choose......will Badders look cute in pink lycra and ostrich feathers......what will be their first mission and will they succeed................................

[Sallya]

Polite knock, "Suze, it's Sally, you said I could come in your cupboard. The devil LEA officer Mzzz Grumpbladder is after me,"

 

"Aha," says Suze,"come in, this could be our first mission. Did you bring booze and pringles?"

 

She opens the cupboard door and lets in Sally. There follows a steady consumption of more bevvies and snacks.

 

"Hic," says Suze, carelessly tossing aside the bottles, and curls up in the corner and falls fast asleep.

"Look at the mess in here", says Sally. "I think they need Kim'n'Aggie to come in sort out the cupboard. The superheroes are looking decidely dodgey these days"

"Do'nt worry", says Annie,"we will get Mzzz Grumpbladder tomorrow"...

Edited September 16, 2005 by Sallya

[Flora]

Lauren looks up with crumpled face and peers through the pegs holding her eyes open, 'wha's goin' on?' she mutters. 'Has everyong gone bats or have I gone to heaven?'. Wondering where she can get a ticket to go in the cupboard, sounds like a likely refuge.

 

Decides she needs coffee and an asprin Looks round for one of those super hero things she's heard mentioned.

 

'oh well' she says resignedly 'I'll just have to get me own bl**dy coffee!'.

 

[littlenemo]

There's another knock on the Batcave door.

"mumblegrumbledickdastardly" groans Lauren. "Who's there?"

"Cinderella Boy" comes a faint reply.

"Wosser password?"

"I brought coffee and asprin."

"That'll do." and Lauren opens the (really irritatingly) loudly creaking door to the Batcave. Muffled groans ooze from the cupboard.

CB hands her her coffee and asprin and tells her to have a lie down the Comfy Room. The padded and soundproofed one used by overenthusiastic ranters in danger of hurting, or at least deafening, themselves and others. Otherwise known as The Big Bother Room or the "So She's Been Talking With The SENCO Again, Has She?" Room.

 

Cinderella Boy then rolls the comatose inhabitants of the cupboard across the cave to join Lauren, who is now getting some well-earned sleep, closes the door and gets to work

 

Singing 'Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work we go' (the John Cage version), he thoroughly immerses himself in his secret obsession. Playing with his imaginary friends - Hooverhead, Mr. Sheen and the French Polisher (or was that th Polish... no), he indulges in an orgy of housework

Accompanied by the whirr of the washing machine washing the uberthings (und underthings) and the ping of the microwave drying them, he polishes the Batcave until it until it's as sparkly as a dark, damp, subterranean hideout that sort of sparkles a bit.

"That'll confuse them in the morning. They won't recognise the place at all " he thinks to himself as he melts down the empties in the microwave before using the glass to sculpt a rather fetching statuette of Ginger Rogers pushing a wheelbarrow.

This he places on the table, along with enough 'hairs of the dog' to coat an entire breed of afghans, a pot of fresh coffee, 3 packs erv herb nerbs, a jug of orange juice and a packet of Ultra strength 'numb you till you're coherent' painkillers (oh yes, and a box of Milk Tray).

Making sure all the Uberthings are ironed and put away in the right drawers and not just thrown all over the floor (I don't know, superheroes these days...), he heads out of the door.

 

Then CB rides off into the sunrise. "My work here is done."

 

 

Well, the Batcave is for fantasies, right?

[mel]

mel walks into the cave. stopping just short of the entrance she sniffs the air. "whats that strange smell? i recognise it from somewhere. could it be...is it....It is, its polish..its been a long time since i smelled that." gingerly stepping further into the entrance she looks around in wonderment. "have i got the right place? what is that statue......and no herb nerb crumbs? no remnants of twiglet?"

looking round for the other cave dwellers she hears a groan from a cupboard. she starts to open doors searching for the owner of the groan. "so many cupboards, this cave is a lot bigger on the inside than it looks from outside." she opens the door of what she hopes is the last cupboard, and amid a tangle of legs, assorted bits of spandex, lycra and other scary materials she thinks she sees her drinking buddies of the night before. prodding a lycra clad leg she asks "do you know where i got that traffic cone from?" no answer, just a half snort and another groan. " oh well, i will ask them when they shuffle out later." she closes the door and helps herself to juice and extra strong painkiller, and settles down to wait for the others. " i seem to remember something about robbie williams...did i sing? i dont even like robbie williams"

 

will mel ever find out where the traffic cone came from?

will the others ever manage to untangle each other and get out of the cupboard?

How many cupboards does this cave have?

i need more coffee, bye for now folks!

[annie]

At 7am, the Bat alarm clock goes off, slowly in the cramped cupboard where 'Legs Akimbo' start to wake up 'Legs' is the newly employed SBCCO, Super-Bat-Cave-Co-Ordinator, unlike the dreaded SENCO, she does her job, and does it well Legs gently wakes the other super-heroes who's heads are cosily nestled on Suze's humungous chest(s) ........(did she mention them)? .......the superheroes, now kitted out in purple lurex leggings and pink diamonte encrusted uber-thongs topped by black silk, ostrich-trimmed Bat-capes oh yeah, and the compulsory Bat-mask, leave the confines of the cupboard. The sight they find startles them Mel sitting at the Bat-table drinking orange juice..........the mess from the previous night gone .....work surfaces sparkling and a beautiful glass statue of a woman with a wheelbarrow .............at that moment the Bat phone rings,,,,,,,,Legs Akimbo answers it with her usual efficiency........quick super-heroes, you must go, another case to tackle.........quick as a flash, they were gone

Edited September 16, 2005 by annie

[bid]

The door of the Batcave creaks open to the strains of 'Wondeeeer Womaaaan'...

 

There is an expectant pause...and then in stumps an unrecognisable figure

 

'Dratted "boho-chic!"' mumbles The Female Inquisitor (for it is she )

 

'How is any self-respecting Superdudette meant to make an entrance with flair and panache wearing this lot??'

 

She attempts to sashay seductively, but her flouncey gypsy skirt gets wrapped around her cowboy boots and she fails miserably

 

In a fury, she rips off her many strings of love-beads and assorted Mexican pendants.

 

'That's it!', she shrieks 'Where are my Jimmy Choos?!!'

 

The Female Inquisitor heads towards one of the Batcupboards, then suddenly stops...she sniffs suspiciously, and slowly scans the Batcave...

 

Apart from her doilies, which appear to have gone missing, the Batcave is spick and span...although there is a rather odd statuette of The Female Inquisitor , pushing a wheel-barrow for some reason!

 

Rather perturbed, for she is used to the customary scuz of the Batcave, The Female Inquisitor opens the cupboard door, ready to retrieve her faithful Jimmy Choos and sparkley Uberthong (always good for a dramatic entrance)...

 

Instead, she is submerged beneath an avalanche of empty wine bottles and hobnob packets, plus a stray Twiglet or two!

 

'Jesteeeerrrrr!!' she screams

 

'How many thimes have I told you to tidy up properly...not just stuff it all in a cupboard or under the bed??!!'

 

Bid

[annie]

Hearing the scream, Legs Akimbo quickly flushes the Batloo and opens the door, her knees drop to the floor "The Female Inquisitor, I am honoured to meet you, I have heard so much about you". she adds "I'm Legs Akimbo, the new Super-Bat-Cave-Co-Ordinator.......please call me 'Legs'" .

What's happened? says The Female Inquisitor, plucking the last of the Twiglets from her flouncey gypsy skirt . Legs explains the rowdy goings-ons of the previous 48 hours and how the super-heroes woke to find everything sparkley clean and tidy. There is one question I would like to ask, says Legs, "Who could have done this mysterious act of kindess? the only clue we have is the box of milk tray left on the Bat table? oh, and by the way, your sparkley uberthong is safely tucked away in the drawer over there" . At that very moment (conveniently) the sound of a car is heard approaching. Legs announces "The super-heroes are back" . The Female Inquisitor and Legs run out to greet the super-heroes and find out how they defeated today's devious LEA officers and sneaky smug SENCOs.

 

Will Suze's silicone enhanced chest still be intact?

 

I seem to remember her mentioning these before

Has Mel discovered where the traffic cone came from?

Who's turn is it to make the tea?

[Suze]

The Angels......Mel....Suze.....Sallya and Lauren....closely followed by Judge Thredd jump down from Batcar 1 .....They remove their glossy helmets and shake their luscious long hair...(well we can dream can,t we )....They stand proud and tall hands on hips, heads held high...the wind flutters their capes as they billow behind them...(hope your picturing this ). Teeth shine and sparkle in the sun they all look very pleased with themselves .They all turn in unison toward the bat cave entrance...then stop in amazement....wonderment and awe....together they drop to their knees ...For there in front of them stand ..the female inquisitor and leg,s akimbo....legends of the cave. Come in Quickly before your seen Legs shouts.They settle down at the Bat table "Get kettle on Judge Thredd old boy and I,ll get the biccys" Says Suze. Minutes later they are all settled down munching and gulping . "It,s been a long long time chaps , since the Batcave has seen any missions but things are about to change"the Female Inquisitor begins. "We are the dawn of a new era in the fight for justice,our aim is to seek those who fail mothers and fathers and their kids.We start with LEA,S schools and all those others .....smug NT childs parent, critical interfering nieghbour, there,s nothing wrong with them that a good hiding would,nt cure relation...the list goes on and on."so we will start with todays mission"Female Inquisitor continues......"who wants to fill me in?".......Judge Thredd stands up expectantly "I thought we were going to be de-briefed by Legs Akimbo in the chill zone later" he asks his face looking pleadingly. ...................There,s a silence and the Angels look at one another........Suze stands up...."You won,t believe the mission we had ,an alert was posted this morning....a tribunal panel meeting in the deepest depths of county hall. Judge thredd stunned the staff with intoxicating body odour...the pheremones had LEA case manager on her knees ......Sallya beamed snivelling senco woman with her x-ray eyes and she fell into a deep sleep. Mel wrestled ASD specialist (who knows zilch) to the ground and squeezed him into submission with a thigh clinch .....and I " continues Suze "switched on my special hypnotising trance inducing boobs that glow and make the enemy fall into a deep sleep.Thus enabling us super heroes the chance to over turn the tribunal meeting and awarding full time LSA hours and specialist teaching to the deserving 5 yr old" ....".....A cheer erupts from around the table, lots of back slapping and hugging all around.A faint pop is heard and Judge thredd appears with a freshly de-corked bottle of pinot from the cupboard , Suze runs and grabs the cheeselets and kettle crisps. "Think we deserve a little drink after all that hard work" says Mel...."oh by the way"says Suze to Mel...." whats that hard hat, traffic cone, and orange flashing light doing in you super hero uniform locker............?????????????????????????????

[annie]

A Bat-cab pulls up outside the Batcave, Annie steps gingerly out of the Bat-cab discreetly trying to adjust sparkley uberthong as she goes . As she steps into the Batcave she sees The Female Inquisitor and drops to her knees "Where have you been?" says Suze, "We had to get back to the Batcave before those incompetent wimps woke up" . "Ah", Annie replies, "I caught the Head of Sen trying to escape so I followed her back to her deep, dark dungeon below County Hall" . "Don't worry, I managed to out-wit her with my heat-seeking Bat-boomerang, she'll be out cold for a while ........ "I nearly forgot", Annie says as she whips two big bags from under her Bat-cape. "I thought we might be running a bit low, so I picked up 4 bottles of lightly chilled Pinot, 8 packets of Hob-Nobs and some more extra-strong asprin.........just in case.

[Suze]

"Yippee de do dah "squeals Suze at the sight of the Leg,s Annie Akimbo,s stash.just what we needed. Legs is taken to one side and de-briefed by Judge Thredd ....it,s important to analyse all super -hero missions so lessons can be learned and knowledge shared......they disappear to the de-briefing room .They all gather round together later chatting and marvelling on their super-hero costumes."OOH! ".......says Sallya" I fancy some chocolate "...."is,nt there some Milktray in the bat special treats cupboard?" says Mel.Judge Thredd jumps up and is over in a flash of his sequined ostrich feather cape. "Here we are choccies!" he says ."Holy batcave abominations " shouts the female inquisitor "where did these come from?" The super-heroes look to each other................."perplexing , perplexing " ponders Female Inquisitor.........."maybe this evening all will be revealed"...............

[baddad]

Ahhhhh, gladdens the heart, it does, gladdens the heart and brings a tear to the eye

 

I feel like 'Tyres' at the end of 'Spaced 1: Episode4'...... If some upstart little oik hadn't beaten me to it I'd be saying - Oh, sod it! I'm going to anyway...

 

"My work here is done"...

 

Thankyou, ladies, thankyou: (oh, and Cinderella Boy too - See, N, it grew on you didn't it!!)

 

 

By The way

 

QUOTE: will Badders look cute in pink lycra and ostrich feathers?

 

M'dears, Badders will look cute in anything

 

(Just make sure the beer goggles stay ON throughout!)

 

D'ya know, If Pooks was alive today, she'd be turning in her grave...

Must dash - Friday night is CURRY night...

L&P

BD

[annie]

Coming out of the de-briefing room, Judge Thredd and Legs Akimbo were both ing from ear to ear. Legs says "You have taught me so much Judge Thredd" "thank you Legs" says Judge, "Hob-Nob?" Legs replies "Need you ask"

 

Back relaxing with the super-heroes, the box of Milk-tray was swiftly eaten Suze set about making a paper Concorde out of the paper that separates the two layers, when all of a sudden she notices two letters written in pink highlighter pen. "look everyone, I think I've found a clue to the lovely, kind person who cleaned the Batcave, it say's C..........B" "Cadburys' Bournville" replies Mel. Suze takes another look at the Letters "I think I know who it is, it's............................

 

Who could it be? Will Suze need to switch on her special Hypnotising trance boobs? Will the person dread seeing the Judge?

[littlenemo]

News Flash "Put it away Dermot, you're not on Celebrity Love Island now!"

Caped Crusader Cleans Up - Mirror

Putative Ecoterrorist Undermines Very Foundations of British Society - the Grauniad

BURN 'IM! - Sun

 

An unnamed man, calling himself 'Cinderella Boy' is currently being held under the new Definition of Terrorism Act (and it's heavy, man, so he won't be moving for a while). Originally thought to be a member of Fathers Against Something Or Other due to his bizarre superhero outfit, it has since emerged that he is a serial cleaner with no previous arrests. Police have known about his proclivities for some time: "We get him down the station regularly for a spot of questioning and light dusting and polishing, but he's never been a threat before" said Inspector Corner of the Yard.

"We know that last night he claims to have spring cleaned (or is that sprung clean) after a party at 'the Batcave'. After his visit to the Batcave, he went to the site of an even larger party - Lord's. As usual he left it spick and span, not a mote of dust to be seen."

He is currently debating the meanings of the words 'dust' and 'ashes' with the authorities, and has asked for a panda with beer to be his defence logician. Trinny and Suzanna are starting a vigil to free the "Wherever he's from One", which will be broadcst live on Channel 5 for 28 hours a day until Cinderella Boy is freed (or Thursday night, when House is on, whichever comes first).

 

I'm afraid Cinderella Boy is unlikely to be back within the next 3 months, folks. Keep those choccies warm for him

And I know who I want to be the judge if it ever comes to court

[Flora]

Lauren looks round her house and the contrast between that and the sparkling Batcave is like comparing Gwyneth thingumy to that awful woman who got famous being on Wife Swap . 'something has got to be done to free Cinderella Boy before the Dirt Police start doing their rounds'. An idea crosses her mind (a long lonely journey!)... 'this is a job for..... AGENT HAIRWIG!!!'. Agent Hairwig is Lauren's son's trusty owl who can always be relied on to don the tights and come to the rescue of the great and good, the meek and mild and anyone who cleans. Lauren rushes up stairs to son's room and grabs Hairwig 'back in a mo dalink... have a job for the Hairwiggy one'..... trying to ignore the screams from above Lauren scribbles a note on the back of a torn up fag packet -'Code pink code pink assistance needed for fumigation - the eagle has flown the nest and the chicken has crossed the road... I repeat the eagle has flown the nest and the chicken has crossed the road' - reply by return of Agent Owl... Post Haste... from LaLa pip pip'

 

with note stuck to his leg with an old band-aid Agent Hairwig flies in to the sunset. Will he help our captive cleaner Cinderalla Boy to the road to freedom? Or will our would be hero get distracted by tasty morsels on the way?

Edited September 16, 2005 by Lauren

[Suze]

The puzzlement around the table is palpable. ...."well it,s got me foxxed that,s for sure " the Female Inquisitor confesses. "maybe more plonk would help us suss out this strange code" suggests "Legs. ....Just then a loud bleeping siren is heard in the Batcave.The Female Inquisitor runs to look at the Bat security monitor. A strange purple, shiny, lycra clad figure can be seen stumbling towards the bat cave entrance.As the figure draws closer a sequinned cod piece ensemble and glam rock platforms shine and shimmer in the light of the bat cave security light.The inter-com bleeps."Hey chicks it,s me Badders .....I mean Judge Thredd I,ve got us a curry and bevvies" ........"you may enter super hero dude " says The Female Inquisitor.The Judge bursts through the door laden down with scran and goodies."your looking togged up tonight Judge" Suze comments...."this is my pulling gear gets the ladies every time ".............He replies. They tuck into the HOT curries and alcohol.....hours later surrounded by empty cartons and bottles the talk becomes serious." Well it,s the weekend.....but that does,nt mean we can be slack there is still plenty to do" Legs stands akimbo to stress her point........"tomorrow we must be alert to defend parents struggling in ASDA, counsel those who recieve dreaded Lea post on a friday evening with no hope of speaking to an officer till monday ,the list goes on and on...........BUT just then a urgent call comes through on the bat phone ................."Holy Bat tastical missions " exclaims Suze........... "we have a code pink ......a rescue mission to save Cinderella Boy from the evil clutches of local authority red tape"........The super heroes spring into action at once realising the importance and enormity of their quest.Female Inquisitor flings off her boho chic and grabs her thong.Legs pulls on her bestest tightest tights which excentuate the muscles in her thighs.Suze grabs her extra support bra with flashing hazard lights and tassles .......Mel picks up her whip and mask ...Sallya grabs the rest of the pinot for on the way (waste not want not) .They all turn to Judge Thredd ,......"are you going like that or getting changed "they say in unison........."can you run in those boots " Suze adds. "I,ll be fine I run in them all the time , " he assures them.......and so with a flash of light a waft of curry and just a little stench of booze the heroes dash into the night aboard the bat copter/ bike / car/ submarine of course.................will they rescue Cinders??????????

[Zemanski]

Meanwhile, in his sparkling cell, CB ponders his future.

 

He's wondering what he can clean next but nothing springs to his befuddled mind.

 

He's at his witsend - not very far at all

 

'perhaps I'll just give those shining bars a quick buff ......?'

[baddad]

We know that last night he claims to have spring cleaned (or is that sprung clean)

 

Sprung clunged, surely? (and don't call me shirley)...

 

As the figure draws closer a sequinned cod piece ensemble and glam rock platforms shine and shimmer in the light of the bat cave security light.

 

Yo pretty ladies/around the world/got a wierd thing to show you/show to all the boys and girls....

 

Holy Bat tastical missions

 

Holy bat's WHATS??? You can't get away with that before the watershed...Sorry, what? Really? That late? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh do i have to? Can I have billy bokkle, it's very cold tonight? Can i play on the internet some more while you boil the kettle?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

 

Laters all my new bat chums!

 

BD

[Suze]

Have you finished that curry already???????????...now it,s going to be on the chilly side tonight so I suggest some jimmer jammers and socks......get a good nights sleep because your needed in the cave tomorrow.!.....Go on bed!...now!....thats an order!...you won,t stay up late tomorrow young man !.............................glad you liked the cod piece ensemble and platform boots

[littlenemo]

"I wish solitary confinement wasn't so lonely" thinks CB, as he sits, alone, rubbing away at his iron rod

Due to the large amounts of industrial cleaning solvents CB has used in an enclosed space, his heated and incoherent discussion with his 3 imaginary friends about Fred Astaire having his wheelbarrow nicked will be omitted.

 

Suddenly

CB is lost for words as his iron bar suddenly goes all limp and floppy . Of course! The friction of all that absent-minded rubbing (It's just a stim, honest ) has melted the metal, and now CB is free at last. Once he's cleaned up the pool of molten metal, anyway.

 

Meanwhile

MI5 discover that on their online forum, all their avatars have suddenly become animated cartoons, dying harts and strangled owls

 

Suspecting that the Batpack recue party has fallen foul of a bar of a different kind, he decides that he will have to go from bar to bar until he finds them. So determinedly setting off with one foot held behind his back, he starts his bar hop.

[annie]

As the Batcar doors close, Mel whips out a flahing orange light thingy from the carefully hidden pocket in her Bat-cape and plonks it on top of the roof, She explains that she nicked it while on a long weekend away in Amsterdam with an ex, but changed the colour from red to orange just in case people got the wrong impression of her. ........all of a sudden Sallya spots him in the distance coming out of 'Ye Olde Goat and Magimix' public house . As they get closer, they notice he is holding in one hand a duster and the other, a can of Pledge. "that's him" they all cry in unison. Then Legs lets out a scream, "what's happened to his leg, one of his legs are missing?"

[baddad]

MI5 discover that on their online forum, all their avatars have suddenly become animated cartoons, dying harts and strangled owls

I saw the dying hart, but missed the strangled owl (did it let out a strangled howl?). BUT - Don't recall anyone coming through me - or my commission on the commission (98.% =1.5% carriage and packing) AM I BEING RIPPED OFF?

Are you sure it wasn't a Scottish Owl? How do you know it's a Scottish owl? It Hoots, mon, and Donald where's me troosers and is anything worn under the kilt AGAIN... Sorry. late and P****D again

Yes, unfeasiblylargeladybumpdirtypillowswoman (let's face it, as catchy superpowered alter-ego-monikers go that ones pretty lousy - we really DO need to get these 'Namer and Shamer' nominations off the ground) I loved the 'glam rock' boots reference. I was a very naive glam-punk: safety-pin earring, but still stuck with the skin-tight, cummerbund waisted oxford bags and a brown cord jacket with a snoopy badge on one lapel and 'save the whale'/'gordon is a moron' badges on the other. And - guess what - a pair of black platform boots with apple green 'lightning' flashes (a'la ZIGGY) up the sides. Know what's really sad? This was last Thursday!

And Annie, as for flashing the shining orange thingy - Didn't Dale Winton just get arrested for something similar?

Anyway, the nice lady's just arrived with my tabblik and cocoa and she says I've got to go to bed now, so [cue trombone]...

Goodnight Ladies [and nemo]

Ladies [and nemo] goodnight

it's time to say......

L&P

BD

[annie]

I was a very naive glam-punk: safety-pin earring, but still stuck with the skin-tight, cummerbund waisted oxford bags and a brown cord jacket with a snoopy badge on one lapel and 'save the whale'/'gordon is a moron' badges on the other. And - guess what - a pair of black platform boots with apple green 'lightning' flashes (a'la ZIGGY) up the sides. Know what's really sad? This was last Thursday!

 

Ah Badders, good to see that your fashion sense hasn't changed over the years

 

And Annie, as for flashing the shining orange thingy - Didn't Dale Winton just get arrested for something similar?

 

and of course the other famous celebrity that was arrested which led to him 'coming out(side)' George Michael .........just what is it with celebrity gay 'icons' and their desire to turn orange????!!!! is there something Jodie (oranger than orange) Marsh isn't telling us???

 

Annie

 

PS - Yipeeee I've finally sussed out how to use 'quotes

[Suze]

Another morning in the Bat cave and all is still..........................................Suze opens her eyes but has trouble .........all that mascara from the night before has fused them together.She reaches up and scratches her hair extensions.........(must get them done this week)..........rolling onto her back she re-arranges her bumpy silicone pillows...one of which went east in the night and one of which went west . She tries to stretch but realises she can,t .........it,s Legs...... all Akimbo again..........................instead she crawls over all the comatose bodies and ventures out of the cupboard..........Coming out into the stillness of the cave she gasps at the fresh air............it really was a bit stagnant in the cupboard ........... dragging herself to Judges fave comfy leather ,swivelling ,reclining ,vibrating massage chair she slouches/sits down.(it feels nice to relax in the chair.....in typical male fashion Judge Thredd never lets anyone sit in it ............Suze begins to chill out and relax ....again her head is banging and her mouth feels like the bottom of the budgies cage. "really must cut down on those Friday night benders" she muses....as the vibrations from the chair begin to work their magic and the pulsating rhythm of the massager soothes her ageing limbs.She closes her eyes and thinks back to the previous evening events.................what a night ...........oh what a night........................just then a creak is heard and the cupboard door opens.....................................................(wonder who else is getting up????)

[annie]

"We really must put some WD40 on that door", say Legs as she catches a glimpse of Suze on Judge Thredd's comfy leather chair. "Suze", says Legs, "be careful, don't you remember what the Judge did last time he caught someone on that chair?, he gave them a good dressing-down in the de-briefing room AND banned them from eating hob-nobs for a whole week" . The thought of a good dressing-down in the de-briefing room alarms Suze , she immediately leaps out of the comfy chair which results in a black eye caused by one of her humungous silicone enhanced bosooms quick as a flash, well as quick as a hungover super-heroe can go, Legs goes into the Bat kitchen a grabs a packet of organic peas from the freezer, having to move the frozen bottles of Pinot out of the way first (yeah, I know, Pinot should not be stored in a freezer , but it's on the blink anyway , and the integral fridge is bulging at the seams). Just as Suze places the (now t-towel wrapped) peas over her black eye , movement is heard coming from the direction of the stinking cupboard, the noise is followed by the sound of a loud burp of the Judge Dredd kind as the cupboard door slowly opens, the smell of last night's curry rapidly wafts through the Bat-lounge .........."Good day my angels" say the Judge wiping tikka masala coloured dibble from his chin "Who's for tea and hob-nobs?"

[Suze]

The Judge really is a sight to behold first thing in the morning. ............well what can I say ..........................he reaches down and gives his bum cr*ck a good old scratch, bends his knees and squats ....................then lets out the most stupendous fruity flabby wuff wuff (copy right.Ben Elton circa the 80,s)....................that was ever smelt/heard in the bat cave.Legs and Silicone Suze dive for cover .............. at that very same moment a loud yelp and thud is heard and............shock horror... a body falls from behind the bat fridge.The girlies are aghast...................Judge smirks " I knew that evil LEA spy was there all along thought I,d give him a blast of the old botty bomb,that,ll make sure he never darkens a SEN budget again .There is lots of whooping and high fives all round "I,ll get the kettle and make us all a cuppa" says Suze .Judge plonks down on his special , swivelling, massaging , vibrating, man only chair.He shuffles and looks up suspiciously at the girls "whose been sitting in my chair????"...............the colour drains from Silicone Suzes face ........the thought of a dressing down at this time in the morning in the cupboard with Judge blowing fruity flabby wuff wuff,s is less than appealing. ................................Just then in the nick of time a commotion is heard from the bat cupboard. Laurens face appears ,..... to say she is dishevelled would be an understatement .....a small fluffy owl is stuck to her dribbley cheek..........she peels it off and lets out a squeal".Hairwig!!! holy calamity catastrophe,s how did you get here.You should be at home sleeping on my sons bed!"...............Judge approaches Lauren hands on hips cummerbund holding in the gut. "Lauren lauren, relax relax ,come sit on my chair and you will be de-briefed"...........Judge explains Hairwigs involvement in last nights extra-cation of Cinderella Boy from his prison cell. He also describes CB,S fantastic spring clean of Laurens mucky house and how he even cleaned the gunk from the side of the dish-washer. The group cheer loudly it,s not even dinner-time and already one LEA scoundrel has been botty bombed and Laurens house is as clean as a whistle."WHOOP DE DO..........brews up "shouts Suze through a mouthful of herb nerbs....................

[annie]

"Ah, that went down a treat" says Legs putting her mug down on the Ikea 'fjlorBAT' coffee table which was put lovingly together by CB in between secret missions and cleaning out the super-heroe's pet rabbits, Chas 'n' Dave , as you can see, they are identical twins : .

Out of the wiffy cupboard steps The Female Inquisitor dragging CB behind her (his arms are wrapped around her ankles) "Next time can you please clean my Jimmy's while they are NOT on my feet" says The Female Inquisitor to CB.

Herb Nerb and a cuppa? says Silicone Suze. "of course" says The Female Inquisitor. "two big lumps for me Suze" says CB. "Ah, the same as me", replies Suze. The Female Inquisitor, on finishing her tea and herb nerbs announces, "OK, super-heroes, after Judge Thredd has debriefed me on this morning's 'spy' incident . we shall discuss what we are going to do with the evil, pathetic person , I shall be back in less than five minutes if my previous debriefings by the Judge are anything to go by" .

[mel]

Mel steps out of the cupboard, traffic cone perched precariously on her head. furking down the front of the now shiny-in-places bin bag she plucks out a few herb nerb crumbs and a piece of twiglet. "morning superheroes" she grunts as she wanders to the batfridge for juice. "whats this?" she prods a rather green looking comatose body on the floor with her red tightclad toe. Rummaging through his pockets she finds a dust covered tin of pilchards and a slice of garlic bread. "what does this mean?" still searching for clues she spots a sheaf of papers. "hmmm, LEA BUDGET 2006. this could be usefull batdwellers".

She throws the papers on the battable and settles down with a mug of tea. "CB, will you please let me finish my tea before you try and clean the mug?" Whats todays plan everybody?" says mel grabbing a herb nerb.

[Suze]

The female inquisitor and Judge crawl out from the chill out zone after a successful d-briefing session ............everyone gathers round the table,munching gulping , sniffing, stretching ,burping and coughing.Cinders scuttles around under the table with a dust pan and brush shovelling up the herb nerb crumbs .. Female inquisitor dons her head- honcho , I,m in charge bat hat and everyone awaits her wisdom.................... after some time Legs says "so what do we do with evil- wiffing, smelly pilchard breath LEA spy?"..............hands shoot up....."er er er me miss, me miss "Judge squeals imploringly his hand stretched and waving........"O.K. Judge your turn ....what do you suggest?" asks Female Inquisitor...."well I think we should make the LEA pay us a ransom of sorts for his safe return maybe a 100% increase in the sen budget?" suggests Judge.There is much nodding of agreement from around the table." Yes yes yes good idea Judge old boy but can we be really sure the LEA want this sniveling excuse for a jobsworth back....they may infact be glad to see the back of him" Female inquisitor muses. There is much silence and pondering several hours pass then..................."got it " screams Silicone Suze..........everyone wakes up eager to hear the latest scheme." I hypnotise him with the old silicone mammies , then we feed him Judges curry concoction of the strongest type . Still in his hypnotised state Legs gets him Akimbo her super barbie scooter, under the cover of night and wheels him back to County Halls deepest darkest pit where all the LEA tribunals pending files are kept..............then Legs accesses the computer file ,awards full honourary membership to the statemented club ..for all tribunals , we leave LEA man in the cupboard programmmed to go off at 9.00am Monday morning with the biggest botty bomb fruity flabby wuff wuff that ever escaped a human orifice.....ta dah!" Suze stands arms aloft to make her point. The Super Duper heroes all cheer it seems another valiant mission is under way......YIPEE!

[Sallya]

Sally, who has been comatose for 2 days, after the curry and pinot grigio night,(she doesn't get out much, except picnics) steps out of the Batcupboard with a mouth like Ghandi's flipflop.

"What's going on?"

"Sally, how could you sleep through Judge Thredd's fruity flabby wuff wuff's?"

After a quick Cupoftea, they send her off to the Debriefing room, and Suze suggest's a pamper day at the hairdresser's while Judge Thredd keeps the LEA spy outforthecount with his fruity flabby wuff wuff's, (one of his many talent's) before they return him to CountyHall that night.

So off the Girl's go, leaving Judge Thread (with botty poised ready for action and Cinderella Boydoing the washing up.)

Edited September 18, 2005 by Sallya

[baddad]

Good day my angels" say the Judge wiping tikka masala coloured dibble from his chin

The Judge would take this opportunity to advise newer recruits that Tikka Masalla is definitely NOT on the takeaway menu at Thredd Mansions. It is the Indian Cuisine equivalent of McNuggets, and is not fit to grace the same table as his favourite Lamb Dhansak or Kazana, and even as a starter pales into insignificance against the infinitley superior Prawn Puri...

He has, on occassion, been known to partake of a TARKA - which is a bit like a Tikka, only 'otter

L&P, you lovely lot

BD

 

PS: Time, tide, forum and computer outs (Oh woe, I have been besett with trials and tribulations this w/e) notwithstanding, I'll report on the prisoner's status in the near future...

In the meantime: How'd you like them apples!?

 

Oh, and I NEVER fart... though occassionally I have to deflate myself by means of a special valve attached to my XXXXXXXXXX (censored by the Central Scrutiniser). What's that, I hear you cry "I always thought he was a right puffed-up..."

[Suze]

........................................."do the shake and vac and put the freshness back....do the shake and vac and put the freshness back, when your cave smells fresh your heroes do too, everytime you vaccum remember what to do......" Cinders is very busy throwing perfumed powder all around the cave he,s in his element racing around with his turbo driven Dyson. He,s wearing his favourite frilly pinny .......think freddie mercury in that video .... Badders is still squatting ,eyes on Lea evil spy a tense stand off ensues............and the Angels????..................... " OOOOH! I could get used to this" purrs Suze, "Well that feels soooo good " murmurs Legs. " Yes yes just there" urges Sally ,....Mel and Female Inquisitor are too stunned to speak. They are having the most fabulous massage , by a matching set of hunks wearing just tea towels ...........when all of a sudden a loud beeping noise is heard ........a large plasma screen slides from behind the wall and there appears Judge Thredd looking a lot larger than life on the big screen. The Angels all groan ..................(typical .....always has to spoil the fun ).............."ANGELS.....ANGELS.....we have a code lush lilac, a code lush lilac....I repeat a code lush lilac........ get back to the cave now!........Do you know what time it is ...............2hrs I said ....2hrs...your taking liberties .....back here now...and don,t stop for sweeties on the way "......The Anges jump up into their resplendant gear.....capes, support bras, thongs, girdles, and panty hose jump onto their barbie scooter, broomstick, flying bob the builder duvet, pogo stick , and bat jeep ................"better get back before he has another hissy fit and grounds us again for a week " grumbles Suze................