ksasnic Report post Posted June 27, 2004 Banshee Girl has a Basil Fawlty moment QUE ????? Manuel know not- ting is jus my harm ster Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolJ Report post Posted June 27, 2004 BG - perhaps it is best to remain innocent, of course as a born again Rainbow fan, I can no longer sit and watch the program with the innocence of childhood. I refer to my earlier "innocent" post of the script from an episode of Rainbow that was actually broadcast on children's TV. I am from Bar-the-lona! Eees not Rat, eees Siberian khamp-steer! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted June 27, 2004 An oft reported live TV moment- but just in case there's anyone left who hadn't heard of it... Fanny & Johnny Craddock cookery programme. She has been making doughnuts. At end of programme Johnny looks to camera and utters the immortal line: "And for anyone at home who might be thinking of making doughnuts, we hope they come out looking just like fanny's" Priceless! You really are a mucky lot in here, aren't you? Loved the Rainbow script, but PULEEZE, is nothing sacred. What next, the banned Mr Benn episode? The day that Yuffies finger slipped? The venison feast they cut from Bambi? Wahhhh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted June 27, 2004 but PULEEZE, is nothing sacred. Not in the Batcave!! ........................... Captain Commando and Banshee Girl(who has just screeched into the batcave!!) stand, looking uncertain as the discussion on Kid's tv becomes ever more ribald, disintegrating into sheer muck!!! Silence descends suddenly.....BRW pauses on her way into the Bat-Loo.....ears prick back as a distant clicking noise reverberates through the cavern..... ASM clutches the Female Inquisitor in terror.... The Caped Confuser quivers beneath a crumpled antimaccassar..... The Jester buries himself beneath his mountain of marking..... De-Mystification Woman accidentally shuts down the Bat-PC (which she was surfing for helpful info on..) in her panic.... Fear reigns supreme as the Bat-Folk realise they can hear DW and Ban Man feverishly trying to activate the dreaded Ban-Button!!!! The superheroes relax slightly as the clicking continues, and sigh in relief as Ban-Man howls in frustration... "ROBBIE!!! You gnawty rabbit!! You've chewed through the cables again!!!!" The Caped Confuser smirks and leans back in contentment..... Her mission of subterfuge had worked...that carrot essence smeared over the cables was a stroke of genius!!!! heh heh!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolJ Report post Posted June 27, 2004 Ban-Man howls in frustration... "ROBBIE!!! You gnawty rabbit!! You've chewed through the cables again!!!!" The Caped Confuser smirks and leans back in contentment..... Her mission of subterfuge had worked...that carrot essence smeared over the cables was a stroke of genius!!!! LOL Sheer genius there Caped Confuser! ROBBIE ignawring the howling cries of the thwarted Banman, hops away dropping a couple of pellets in his wake, ignorant of the part he has played in aiding the superchums! The superfolk are free to continue their mucky musings without the fear of being deleted! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lisajb Report post Posted June 28, 2004 Lets not forget the immortal Blue Peter, when Simon Groom was doing a piece to camera, having just been discussing the door furniture from Durham Cathedral. "And what a lovely pair of knockers they are!" Nuff said! Lisa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolJ Report post Posted June 28, 2004 Ahhhh peace has been restored at last ... ASM takes herself off to the bat kitchenette for a much needed cuppa and hobknob, now that the dreaded Ban Button has been disabled (thanks to the Caped Confuser and Robbie). Humming to herself she muses on the episode of Blue Peter where they were making pancakes and one of the presenters, cant remember which one claimed to be an expert ######! In the kitchen ASM puts on the kettle, puts a PG tips bag in a mug saying "Eejit", left behind when DW fled rather quickly (that was another story reader) humming ASM opens the hobknob cupboard to find cobwebs! WHERE'S ALL THE HOBKNOBS???? ASM roars! ASM muttering to herself thinks of a plan, ahhhh, she spots at the back of cuboard, hidden behind a packet of dried tapioca (belong to the educator Jester, he likes to have school dinners even in the batcave) a bag of self-raising flour (on the back of the packet it reads Best Before 1995) oh well, muses ASM to herself, not to worry flour keeps for ever. She defly mixes the flour with milk and sugar and some bat-butter. In the mind of the resourceful superhero there is forming the mental picture of chocolate chip cookies, for she has spotted a jar full of rather large round brown (slightly mouldy) looking chocolate chips! Mmmmmmmmm, these will be delicous ASM's mouth watering in anticipation of the tasty treats! ASM mixes in three generous handfuls of the round brown choclate chips, picking out the sawdust and bits of what look like dried lettuce and carrot (ASM is not fussy) and pops the baking tray into the centre of the oven on gas mark 5. The smell of baking cookies wafts into the the batcave, the tastebuds of the assembled superheros start to water ..... The oven timer rings, ASM opens the oven and yummmmy, dont those cookies look good enough to eat ... "Anyone fancy a chocolate chip cookie?" she calls ...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ksasnic Report post Posted June 28, 2004 Banshee Girl having returned from focus to buy extra large portions of moggy food for her porker of a cat Ted is shocked to the core as her two kids in tow one 15 year old who should know better and the aspie son in inquisitive mode... Mum what did that lady say over the tannoy ...hmp er er meanwhile no.1 daughter 15years of age is having kittens in her hysterical laughing fit - mum, the boy continues what does welcome to f*ckus mean..... oh gawd son its northern for focus.... so focus yourself... daughter howls again as Banshee girl starts digging an even bigger pit to throw herself in.... Small boy continues right in front of the checkout with big queue behind but yes mum who's welcome to f*ckus ! Arghhhhhh Last time I take ANY children to focus !!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted June 29, 2004 Oh dear!! The Caped Confuser recalls the embarrassment she suffered when her aspie son was a toddler, and constantly mispronounced the word 'fork'.......... His paternal grandparents would not believe the explanation behind their small grandchild's blue language!!!! Shocked out of her reveries by the dulcet tones of ASM, offering sweet treats, and unmindful of the straining seams of her leotard, (acid green, with fire engine red question marks) she reaches out and plucks a cookie from the salver....... Chewing with some difficulty, she mulls over this rather odd new gastronomic experience..... "Gnr....Ay-Esh-Emmmm.....sh'ish menna be sho tuff???" Suddenly, her molars encounter an aged choc chip, that has definitely seen better days....once a scrumptious, soft and velvety morsel, the chip now resembles a small pebble in it's resistance properties...... KEEEEE-RUNCH!!!!! "ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! My TOOOSH!!!!" howls CC, depositing a wad of soggy biccie (and tooth slivers) quickly onto the Bat Cave floor. She hops around, flailing about in the throes of dental distress......she mildly resembles a stork performing some sort of elaborate mating ritual...... (BRW looks mildly interested at this point....if only it was the Jester......) Horrified at the results of her culinary concepts, ASM soothes CC, thrusting a handy bottle of clove oil at her as she ushers her towards the Thomasmobile...... Will the Dentist fix CC's mangled molar??? Will another unsuspecting superhero fall foul of the Cookies of Disaster???? Tune in next time!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolJ Report post Posted June 29, 2004 ASM bites into the biggest most sumptious looking cookie she has seen in a long time! Mmmmmmm, eh? These choclate chips taste a bit - emmmm - rabbity? ASM puzzled reaches for the glass jar full of supposed chocolate chips, she turns round the jar and reads the label - "WARNING, NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION - THESE HAVE BEEN COLLECTED BY SUPERHEROINES FOR ANALYSIS FOR SUSPECTED RABBIT INFESTATION" - I will be back to collect later - signed De-Mystification Woman" Arrhhhhh'! ASM chokes on a mouthful of cookie, retching puts her hand over her mouth and makes a quick dash for the batloo, to no avail BRW is in the midst of her ablutions and the door says "Engaged". ASM bolts out of the batcave to get rid of the rabbit poop cookie! Meanwhile, the caped confuser is innocently chomping away wondering what exotic flavour these cookies remind her of? As CC is a vegetarian she cannot quite place the "rabbity" piquant! ASM has left the tray of steaming tempting looking cookies on the side of the Bat Kitchenette. Which unsuspecting superhero will be next to sample the not so wholesome cuisiene of ASM. Oh dear, Focus indeed .... perhaps I could jump in that pit with you. My son has been a little "**&$%^" today. Better still I might throw my boy in and run away!!! ........ he ran away in the park today and then headbutted me and kicked me in the knee OUCH when I tried to get him back in his major buggy! He keeps trying to get out - I think an electrified fence would be a good option! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted June 29, 2004 "WARNING, NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION - THESE HAVE BEEN COLLECTED BY SUPERHEROINES FOR ANALYSIS FOR SUSPECTED RABBIT INFESTATION" - I will be back to collect later - signed De-Mystification Woman" All I can say is...... 'PTOOIE!!!!' Who's next for the bunny biccies???? The Caped Confuser gathers all her forgiveness and hands ASM a tubigrip for her Scottied Knee.........poor ASM!!! <'> Come to that, poor Scottie! Knees are BONY!! OWCH!! Pass ASM the Ralgex, Jester! I'm sure the salsa-injuries have mended by now!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted June 30, 2004 mmwwwarrghh! (Racking cough, creaking knees, bloodshot eyes and hands a-trembling) No! The Jester has NOT been partaking too frequently of the medicinal hip-flask but he HAS finished his reports. He staggers to the BatKitchenette muttering darkly "Trixie-Chevrolet does not relate well to her peer group?? HA! At St Hillbillies Academy for the results of serial parenting she IS related to half her peer group" He is wondering if there is any tequila left over from the ill-fated Mexican Night. (He winces at the memory of the shrinking bolero trousers ). As he goes from cupboard to cupboard, The Jester realises someone has spilled chocolate chips on the worksurface. He idly chews a couple as he rummages past balsamic vinegar and sundried tomatoes (The Female Inquisitor has been making us 'Gracious' again, he notes) in the hopes of something more alcoholic than a small bottle of vanilla essence. He pops another one in and chews thoughtfully. Inspiration strikes! The evidence of the "Lavender Water" thread in 'Medico section' suggests that many of the superchums are 'recovering' Goths, retro-boho-hippy-chicks and Disco Lizards ...which means...(he creeps over to the curtains, still chewing) YES!!! someone has hidden a four pack of lagers behind the Bat Curtains for when the "bring a bottle" booze has run out. (Or was I the only one who did that?) Triumphantly, The Jester cracks a can of Tescos own Blue Stripey Dutch-Style Lager-effect Drink. He swallows the last of the 'chocolate drops' and then takes a mighty swig. GAAAARRRGGGHHHHH! He drops the half finished can in the bin and heads off to the pub for a pint of ale. He is still muttering "The trouble with lager is ...it tastes like sh-*" Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolJ Report post Posted July 1, 2004 Whose been drinking my larger? says ASM mama bear! Ahhh sweet revenge, ASM notices empty jar of "rabbit leavings" on kitchen side and smells the dusty mothball aroma of the hobbity educator alias The Jester! Serves him right smiles ASM to herself, she turns to walk out of the bat-kitchentte but steps on a spilled can of Tesco's own larger, ASM loses her footing (legs flailing around like a scene from Bambi on Ice) and skids headfirst into the batfridge, her head bounces off the side of the refridgerdare, denting it in the process (the fridge) unconscious she slips to the floor into the pool of cheap larger! Now picture the scene, anyone walking in would just assume that ASM has just had a bit too much laying there with an empty can beside her, snoring in a pool of spilled larger! Do you see see how easy it is to form the wrong impression of someone! Poor ASM, her status as a serious grimefighter and reputation could be damaged if someone discovers her in this compromised position! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jericho Report post Posted July 1, 2004 Blue-Rinse Woman surveys the scene in front of her. So it was ASM who had purloined the last of the lager! What was BRW to soak her dentures in now??? Stepping over the unconscious form, BRW sniffs at the small dark pellets on the kitchen surface. That delicate fragrance reminded her of Albert (this week's new beau) and his new aftershave. It wasn't quite Old Spice but she supposed Albert would still be suitable for her 'courting' purposes..... Over on the Bat-Table she saw a battered brown case lying open. Or rather, it WAS open by the time BRW had finished with the chisel. Inside was a pile of papers. School reports! These could only belong to that Hush-Puppied hunk of superherodom, Jesty. She read through the first few: "Thomas really must try harder this year...." "Abigail is a delightful child...." They all sounded so.....well....boring! Snatching a nearby state-of-the-art quill, BRW thought she would do Jesty a favour and make them a little more 'colourful'...... Now what should she write........ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 2, 2004 The Caped Confuser returns from her unplanned trip to the dentist, cotton wadding stuffed in her mouth and a bloodstained hanky clutched to her lips. She casts a dark glare in the direction of the prone ASM before stepping over her with all the grace of a soused pachyderm. She notices BRW feverishly scribbling away at the Bat-Table, pausing only to dip her nib in an ancient bottle of lavender scented ink. Each time BRW does this, a 'Ping' and slight hissing can be heard as the nib, which has been moving at roughly the same speed as your average cheetah, cools on contact with the liquid. "Whashoo doo-ah?" queries CC. "Eh?" replies BRW, rather waspishly, for she was annoyed by the interruption. Daintily ripping the wadding from the parched lining of her mouth, CC repeats herslf.."Ooyah!!! What you doing?" BRW chuckles nefariously as she outlines her cunning plan.... Within two minutes, the pair are as thick as thieves......(and being extra friendly too)....and the pile of 'new and improved' essays is growing rapidly..... "Thomas really must try harder this year, although he's rather trying already..." "Abigail is a delightful child...until one gets to know her..." " Kylie tries her best...unfortunately, as she has roughly the same capacity for memory as your average goldfish, this isn't saying much...." "Darryn presents us with very few worries...our main one is whether or not there will be a prison secure enough to hold him when he grows up..." All too soon, BRW's ink supply is depleted. The pair deposit the altered reports in parentally addressed envelopes and slip them into the folder that Jester has marked 'Finished-to be posted ASAP..." Casting longing glances at the pile that remain, they drift off....... Mwah hah hah!!! They can only hope they have picked the offspring of "Dont play with that boy!"Mum et al...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Helen Report post Posted July 2, 2004 (edited) "Thomas really must try harder this year, although he's rather trying already..." "Abigail is a delightful child...until one gets to know her..." " Kylie tries her best...unfortunately, as she has roughly the same capacity for memory as your average goldfish, this isn't saying much...." "Darryn presents us with very few worries...our main one is whether or not there will be a prison secure enough to hold him when he grows up..." Hush those rogue thoughts of yours!!!! For shame on you, CC ...don't tell anyone, but the last one made me laugh the loudest Helen & Helen plc Edited July 2, 2004 by Helen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 3, 2004 (edited) Heh heh heh.... This is why I decided against teacher training......I doubt very much that I could be less than brutally honest with parents of demon children!!!! I tried to remember a quote from a Roald Dahl book.....was it BOY?? Can't quite remember, but excerpts of school reports were included (fictional, natch....) and they were brilliant!!! A quick read of Kenneth Williams' 'Acid Drops' might have turned up a few gems too....that man certainly knew how to put people's gas at a peep!! I did, however, enlist the aid of my wee brother for 'Darryl'....if Micha(bruv) ever joined up he'd have to be dubbed 'Super Piggyboo' in honour of his childhood nickname.....oh, we were cruel to him!! Jester, just be glad BRW and CC can't get at your REAL reports!!! I imagine the temptation must be great every year!! Esther x Edited July 3, 2004 by pookie170 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolJ Report post Posted July 4, 2004 Just to add to this ASM wonders how young Duane faired? Obviouis teacher's pet? Did he do well? The educator educates bright young minds as well as parental minds. Dealing with parents that you just want to say, "No wonder he's a little so and so, look at you!". ASM has met parents who believe their children are sweet little angels , butter would not melt and say, keep away from Reece, he's a bad influence, but in reality it is their little angel who is the instigator and little , some parents are blind and need a reality check not to mention a slap! How do you keep your cool Jester. RESPECT! ASM Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 4, 2004 (edited) How do you keep your cool Jester. RESPECT! The Caped Confuser stands in horror, flabbergasted by ASM attempt at 'cool'..... Respect?? tut tut....... Hastily, she rushes off and dons an altogether different kind of outfit....as CC rushes back to the Batcave, she is oblivious of the guffaws and 'wide' comments cast by scoffing youths and youthettes.....She is likewise is unaware that she has left several people with the impression that she has obviously erred by forgetting to take medication that morning....... The Caped Confuser bursts into the Batcave, boombox blaring, and the rest of the inhabitants are stunned into silence....... 'YO, HOMIES!!!' she hollers..She has dressed herself in a pitiful collection of mismatched clothing...... One lurid shell suit, complete with cigarette burn and 'buckie' pocket.... A neon pink baseball cap, emblazoned with the catchphrase "Loadsamoney" and perched at a jaunty sideways angle on her napper...... Big, galooty trainers, left unlaced for maximum, 'Kevin'style, sullen dragging purposes, replete with enormous tongues sticking out in a ridiculous fashion.... A Spice Girls tank top.....even leaving musical taste aside, this is a bad move with CC's physique.....many small children would have nightmares after witnessing this....many grown men would too!!! ( ) "See, ASM? RESPEK' !!!!! Blingin' ! MENTAL! Rave! Grooovy!! I know all the hip things the hep cats say......" CC is cut off as peals of laughter reverberate around the Batcave. The heroes are in various stages of collapse, making futile attempts to prop each other up as they howl with mirth at CC's diabolical dress sense. Realising that she might, perhaps, be slightly less 'with it' than she had believed, CC slinks off to the wardrobe to fetch her spare cossie....it said a lot that her fellow fighters preferred her in that spandexy sequinned creation than this..... I remember all these things being cool.....perhaps this is another old codger's reminisence......One thing though.....what in gods name are the young ones doing, tucking trackie b's into slouch socks??? Edited July 4, 2004 by pookie170 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hartshayrose Report post Posted July 4, 2004 well the caped confuser advised me that as Stun mum I needed a nice outfit to visit, all I could find was this purple sequinned cape and a cat mask as the rest in the batcave have all the best outfits! But I do come bearing gifts of more hob nobs and a few bottles of the old red stuff. Whats my 1st assignment?!?! Jackie xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
niki Report post Posted July 4, 2004 can anyone join this band of super heros and heroines? i dont have a posh name or a posh outfit but would be honoured to just be the tealady!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gita Report post Posted July 4, 2004 Jackie & Josh You mission, should you wish to accept it, is to find the secret recipe of the dun dun duh...............The missing hob nob. The one with the secret microfilm of Ban Man & Delete Woman planning their next nefarious move to out wit all us super heroes. This tape will self destruct in 5 secs............ppppppffffffffffff........ Here's hoping you'll do the right thing. Signing off now. Name too secret to be mentioned Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hartshayrose Report post Posted July 4, 2004 Chaotic kid Josh screams with delight at the explosion! Stun mum fights herself into her black catsuit, that should scare ban man and delete woman into offering the the code to the safe where the hob nobs are hidden with screams of "nooooooooooo put your normal clothes on PLEASE!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted July 5, 2004 (edited) Mwaaa! Aaarghh! (Racking cough) The Jester awakes from the catatonic state brought on by report writing and the subsequent visit to Dr Hobgoblin's Homeopathic Stress-Relief Clinic for Distressed Gentlefolk (and Teachers). He is secure in the knowledge that another year of reports is over. Once more he can rest after hours - like Homer - of polishing a single golden phrase, for use in these (Oh So!) realistic documents. He is unconcerned by the chisel marks on his briefcase ...dismissing it as wear and tear. At Saint Hillbillies Academy for the Products of Serial Parenting, we use 'Positive Reporting'. Now ...when the Jester started his career, Positive Reporting meant "I am positive that Rio-Ferdinand is the most poisonous little squit, I've ever met." Now it is very different. 'Wayne-Rooney has added so much to our class this year' ...Yeah, mostly noise. 'Britney-Kelly has a special way of cheering up everyone she speaks to.' ....Yeah, by stopping and walking off. 'Keanu-Jude has a way of helping his peers to concentrate' ...Yeah, by taking a day off sick. 'Tierri-Henry has strong convictions' ... Yeah, assault, theft, going equipped and driving away, for a start. Another week is about to start ...the Batcave is full of new recruits. There's spandex, sequins and leather masks as far as the eye can see. (Which is not far these days, admittedly) and with a frisson brought on by being near such garments a mere twenty-mumble years after a public school education, The Jester slumps in his favourite chair, puts his feet up on a pouffe (it wasn't THAT sort of public school ) and reaches for his 'Walkman' and tape of soothing whale song, Andean Pipe music and waterfall sound-effects. All he hears is : "...in five seconds" before his head is wreathed in clouds of smoke and his trusty ancient walkman bursts into flames. "Mwahaargh!" he thunders "Ban Man has struck!" but NO! The Jester senses with his superpowers (and some squinting) a certain amount of foot shuffling, whistling and inspection of fingernails and ceilings from Stun Mum, Gita and Niki. Using enhanced Teacher-Powers, the Jester manages to look stern, disappointed, all-knowing (and, frankly, smoke blackened). He points "Can one of you ladies explain what has just happened? OR MUST WE ALL MISS "SNACK TIME" WHILE I INVESTIGATE???" Overwhelmed and palpitating, The Jester sinks back into his chair, wafting ineffectually with a hanky. (Plaintive voice) "Did someone say we'd got a tea lady??" Jester Edited July 5, 2004 by Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 5, 2004 The Jester collapses, in pre-recovery mode.....just as he comes to rest against the cushion, he receives his second nasty shock in as many minutes!!!! *FWOOOOSSHHHHH*!!!!!!!!! A deluge of foam hits him full in the face, as the Caped Confuser activates the fire extinguisher in a bid to douse the flames leaping from Jester's melting walkman!!!! "mmmwwwmmffff....AAARRRRGH!!!" he gargles, choking on the retardant spray. CC gasps and releases the trigger.....the late walkman is sitting forlornly in a puddle of foam and runny plastic.....It looks good, however, in comparison with the Jester. While it is certain that the superguy will not spontaneously combust in the immediate future, he is none too impressed with this advantage..... Slowly, he rises to his feet, lumps of foam flopping to the floor as he stands. He is covered from head to toe and only his eyes can be discerned as they peer dazedly out form their foamy mask. BRW, spotting her advantage, rushes forward to offer her...er....support, but Jester makes a sudden recovery and scrubs at his face with a nearby doily.... "I suppose.." he began, wobbly but rallying swiftly..."that it's time for a trip to the wardrobe for me then......" CC squirms with guilt..."Never mind!!"she trills brightly, "It'll brush off beautiful when it dries!!" She grins nervously as Jester fixes her with a steely glare......... He stalks off, fuming and foaming, for a wash and brush up, muttering as he goes. CC and newcomer, Niki (hereby dubbed CharGirl..tea reference, geddit??) rush to prepare refreshments for his return. Niki (please, pick a name, I dont know if you want to be called CharGirl...) uses her SuperUrn to brew a supersize amount of tea, which has superguy sustaining properties...the Jester is in need!! On his return, Stun Mum plumps a cushion as Gita (insert whichever name you choose!! Perhaps 'M'?? Or 'G' in your case!! ) dusts off the pouffe...Jester settles down, feeling incredibly relaxed for once as they all share tiffin.....Not even Female Inquisitor's stifled mirth dispells his sense of wellbeing... But BRW looks put out by all the females giving her Jester attention!! She looks like she has wicked intentions for her crotchet hook!! Will BRW behave, or will the superchicks feel her wrath??? DUN DUN DURRR! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gita Report post Posted July 5, 2004 BRW But BRW looks put out by all the females giving her Jester attention!! Rest assured that I have no designs on Jester. I'm only here for the super repleneshing Char. Name too secret to be mentioned (In other wrods, still can't think of one) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
niki Report post Posted July 5, 2004 tea? coffee? digestive? sorry cant seem to find the hobnobs! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 5, 2004 Capn Commando slumps in his armchair, raddled eyes fixed on the flickering box in the corner: Newsnight... His gaze shifts to the smouldering woodbine in his left hand, to the dripping quarter pounder with cheese in his right, and, finally, to the flagon of XXX scrumpy (now half empty) nestling in the folds of his considerable gut. His fingers still burn from the merciless thrashing he administered earlier to his thankless spawn... "If only, " he thinks "the Government would legislate... I could give all this up tomorrow...BURP!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris Report post Posted July 6, 2004 Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the slightly mucky side, the BANMAN sits contemplating his latest fiendish plan to BAN the world!!! (... well, lets start with the Batcave and see how we get on eh?) A scratching noise from behind the sofa tells him that Robbie is enjoying yet another telephone cable.. thank god for mobile phones!!! DW has confiscated the BAN BUTTON again (I never get to have any fun anymore <sob>) so Banman gets to work on his latest invention... "THE DISK FORMATTER OF DOOM" <dramatic incidental music!!> Armed with his copy of the 'Bumper Blue Peter book of fiendish devices for evil genius's (3rd edition of course)' and a soldering iron, the Banman gets to work. Two hours later Banman emerges from the casualty department vowing never to use a soldering iron again!! <Doh!!> <RING RING> <CLICK> DW: "Hello? Delete Woman speaking" BM: "Hiya. I went and did it again!" DW: "What? The soldering iron?" BM: "Yep" DW: "Is Robbie OK this time?" BM: "Yep, he managed to avoid chewing that particular cable for once" DW: "That makes a change. So what now?" BM: "I dunno but we cant let the Superheros win can we?" DW: "Right.. I'll tell you what to do.. This will get rid of all of them in one fell swoop!" BM: "Cool! Its not your idea about using deep heat on their underwear again is it?" DW: "Shuttup and listen. This is the most fiendish and evil plan that you'll ever have. Its guaranteed to work and finally put paid to the costume wearing do gooders!!" BM: "I'm all ears" DW: "Weirdo!! All you have to do is take a small aubergine <FIZZLE> ... <FIZZLE> on the cooker <FIZZ> and then when ASM woman <HISS> ..... gorilla <STATIC> .... in latex of course <SPLUTTER> .... then send the pictures to the Sun <CRACKLE> <HISS> ................. <CLICK> ... <SILENCE> BM: "ROOOOOOOOOBBBBBIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted July 6, 2004 The Jester sits slumped at the table in the Batkitchen. He cannot understand it...he has been summoned to the lair of 'Headteacher Man' (an occasional irritation, rather than a full-blown nemesis) where a red-faced screaming bloke has hurled his reports at him and told him to rewrite the lot. Mumbling about the unfairness of life, The Jester scans his scribings. But WAIT! Even under the influence of the Medicinal Hip-Flask, whatever could have possessed him to write: "Shania-Pink is a lovely girl ...if that's your type. She needs to learn to shut her gob before she gets a well-deserved slap." Hmmm. or "Eminem is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot." Surely he never wrote "Bradley-Duane had been in the class three days before I realised he was a pupil and not a vacuum cleaner, left behind by the caretaker" or "If Gandalf - Moonchild's family can be compared to a compost heap (and I think they can) then he is the biggest weed growing out of it." Crikey ... no wonder the head was using words like 'tribunal'!! But WAIT (again) what is THIS... "In MY day, a boy like Beckham-Owen would have been straight up the chimneys until he was ready for National Service, whereby a decent haircut and a couple of years out in the Empire would have seen him dead from malaria, jungle fever, marauding tribesmen or ...just possibly...made a decent citizen out of him. God Save The King!!" National Service? The Empire?? The King??? Jester's eyebrows knit. Of course...KNITTING is the clue. he remembers the chisel marks on the lock of his briefcase - the ones he had put down to another biting tantrum attack from Angel-Porsche (soon to be seen in the TV series "When Year Threes Attack"). Who has a chisel and remembers the King??? "BLUE RINSE WOMAN!!" he roars. "A MOMENT IN THE BAT-STAFFROOM, IF YOU PLEASE". Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
niki Report post Posted July 6, 2004 REFRESHMENTS ANYONE?!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 As CharGirl frantically tries to calm the brewing storm, (Jester is 'stewing', and CharGirl won't 'leaf' it alone,......tra la, such a hoot am I!! ) The Caped Confuser gulps fearfully and attempts to slide under the table in an effort to duck punishment. BRW clicks her dentures in annoyance at CC's cowardice, hitches up her bloomers with an angry tut and starts her carpet-slippered shuffle down the Green Mile to her doom...or should that be Bat-Mile? CC's conscience gnaws till she can stand it no longer..... She hurls herself in the direction of Jester's office, overcome with remorse!! The door slams shut behind her and the rest of the Bat-Cave sit in silence, listening intently to the muffled ticking-off going on... "Pleasesir,sorrysir,won'do it again!!!....." CC emerges, sniffling and tearstained, clutching one of the most powerful remonstrations at Jester's disposal....a DETENTION SLIP!!! BRW, having finally reached the office, soon emerges with her very own slip, too. CC is mollified, and sits dejectedly at the table, toying with a coaster. BRW, on the other hand, looks like the cat that got the cream.... "Heh heh....whole hour....alone with 'im!! Hnur,hnur!!!" Jester strides out of his office in triumph. "Don't think I'm unaware that you may feel this a feeble punishment, ladies. You will be spending your detention not with me...I'm off to a salsa lesson with the ball and chain......but with THIS esteemed gent!!" He slammes a huge, dusty tome down on the table in front of the offenders.... It read ' Professor I.M. Dreary's Finer Points of Trigonometry.' "And I expect you to copy down two chapters by the hour!!!!" BRW glowers, all good cheer dissipated. The Caped Confuser sighs, and picks up her pencil to make a start.... As she settles down, however, she notices a parboiled stuffed gorilla with a tired looking aubergine....arranged amusingly about its person.....has been placed next to the lycra-clad, snoozing ASM on the sofa. Several familiar looking pellets are lying on the floor beside the castor...... Just as Jester reaches to open the BatCave door, a knock sounds.....Jester answers and has a conversation with someone, then turns to the others, looking puzzled. "Some chap from a TABLOID.."he explains, nearly spitting thw word out. "Seemed very surprised by my twill trews and tweed coat.....Rather disappointed by the lack of lycra in my fashion taste. Humph, I sent him off with a flea in his ear. I told him, I didn't attend THAT sort of school!!" he finished then went on his way. At this point, ASM stirs, and opens her eyes to be confronted by a vision of gorilla... "Whazzat?... Gawd,John, gerrof....s'your turn to settle Scott tonight....HONESTLY!!" As she drifts back off, CC and BRW chuckle and get back to work. Normality descends once more......(well, as close as it ever gets in here!!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted July 10, 2004 All is not well in the Bat-Staffroom. The Jester strides manfully back and forth, his tweed bristling with righteous anger and his finger stabbing punctuation as he yells.. "and what about this one..."Chrysler-Cosworth is a difficult child to ignore ... but I have always found it to be worth the effort." He Fumes. "How did you ever think to get away with it BRW??" There is a pause. The Jester is used to the 'Disapproving Moue' of The Female Inquisitor when she discovers, for example, old pot noodles in the bin...but BRW appears to be doing something he cannot identify with her lips. He is concerned. In mid-rant he pauses and asks if all is well with her denture-fixative. There is a monumental silence. Ahh... The Jester has a wife, a mother, three older sisters and two daughters. He recognises a minefield when he has walked into one. "Err.."he burbles, "I think you have learned your lesson (which is more than my class have this year) so run along....but NEXT TIME, be warned!! I shall not be so generous, and you can expect to spend your next playtime SITTING UNDER THE NATURE TABLE AND DOING SOME SERIOUS THINKING!!" (AN ASIDE - nothing frightens my current class more than the idea of being made to think. Sometimes you have to wonder, who has Aspergers and who just has no emotional and social ability from their backgroud) Anyway.. As BRW backs out of the Bat-Staffroom - still doing something odd with her mouth - The Jester yells "And stop Chewing!!!" He will go to his grave refusing to believe that she was pouting. Please God...not that Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 11, 2004 It's just as well that BRW's aged dentures have slipped again, or the Jester may well have fainted in horror. For our amourous OAP was not, in fact, pouting..... Indeed, on closer inspection, one can clearly see that she is PUCKERING instead!! CC, on the other hand, is lost in thought...15 minutes under the nature table sounds rather spiffy to her......a whole quarter hour of peace and solitude!!!! Aside from a few inquisitive woodlice and nosy earwigs, that is...... She turns a page of Prof. Deary's book, and the cloud of dust causes her to sneeze!! The ancient pages cannot withstand such a barrage and instantly crumble...... CC hurriedly stuffs the book under the pouffe, then realises she can hear the clanking of CharGirl's Super-Urn! Goody, a cuppa at last!!! Off she goes to join in a cuppa and a hob-nob..... Peace reigns again......but not for long, she fears...this IS the Bat-Cave, after all!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jericho Report post Posted July 11, 2004 Blue-Rinse Woman sighs contentedly at the memory of being alone in the staff-room with her darling Jesty. Of course she knew he hadn't really summoned her to tell her off. Oh no. He'd obviously caught sight of her new stripey pink bloomers (not difficult as the lack of elastic meant that they were usually heading towards her ankles) and had decided that he was the superhero for her. She'd puckered up for a quick smooch. She had prepared herself for this moment by applying a wax strip to her moustache that very morning. Jesty had obviously been so overcome with emotion that he hadn't been able to summon up the strength to return her passion. Never mind - there would be other opportunities. After all, one Hob Nob and a bottle of Co-Op plonk and he was anyone's....... Oh well. Time to get back to her hectic social calendar. She was off to the Annual Knit-a-thon with this week's new beau Archibald. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 11, 2004 (edited) Oh well. Time to get back to her hectic social calendar. She was off to the Annual Knit-a-thon with this week's new beau Archibald. In aid of the NAS, I hope, BRW!!!!! Does Archibald know what he's letting himself in for? Will BRW's other suitors, Leonard and Godfrey, ever recover from the disappointment of BRW's rejection of them?? (This isn't fair! She of the baggy bloomers is getting more male attention than me!!!) The Caped Confuser!! Edited July 12, 2004 by pookie170 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted July 15, 2004 (edited) Ooohhh Caped Confuser ...you are no longer an 'Advanced User', you are just 'Pookie'!!! The Female Inquisitor wrinkles her delicate nose and taps her cheek quizzically with a diamante-encrusted finger nail. "Tell me, Super Chum, why are you known as 'Pookie' among the hoi polloi?" (The Female Inquisitor is Classically educated...) As she teeters on her Emma Hope embroidered, kitten-heeled mules, the Female Inquisitor notices with horror the state of the Bat Cave! "Can a Super (probably near Spectrum, with a score of 28) Dude not have a discreet nervous breakdown without the Bat Cave going to wrack and ruin?? " She pulls on a pair of exotic rubber gloves...NO, not that sort! The kind that the large scary piece wears in 'How Clean Is Your House?'. Nothing like a good clear out to cheer a girl up when she feels the Forces of the Dark LEAord against her! The Female Inquisitor firmly grasps a pile of old rags lying in a musty corner of the Bat Cave... "Mwaarrghh! Harrumph! (Cough) Is it the Last Day of Term yet??" It is The Jester !! Well, that's just typical...not only is the Female Inquisitor having to battle the Ring Binder Wraiths, but she is also married to a pile of old poop! She exits in a flurry of sequins to the strains of 'Wonder Womaaan...' Bid Edited July 15, 2004 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted July 16, 2004 (edited) " A score of 28?? And I thought 18 was worrying!!! " The Caped Confuser watches the Female Inquisitor depart, dust-rag in hand....She clicks off the wonder woman soundtrack currently playing on the Batcave Hi-Fi in irritation...... " For heaven's sake, if we MUST have music, at least play something decent!!!" she quips!! T-Rex sounds throughout the Batcave instantaneously......... "My name is Pookie......'cos I look so darned ookie...!"she trills, trying to match the Kinks 'Lola' and failing miserably....... 'Delicate nose???? I dunno....Look, I'm here to add realism to the 'classical' Batcave corps!!" she says, clutching a half-empty bottle of Southern Comfort....(she has been out on the tiles tonight and can barely type due to intoxication....) "And might I add, the Female Inquisitor should be demmed glad of the 'pile o' poop' that is the Jester.....choice males are in short shupply these days, F.I.!!!!" The Jester is currently struggling into a pair of zebra print marigolds, in an effort to assist his good lady wifelet......... "I had BRW's cast-offs trying to dance with me all night......they were mosht dishappoin'ed when they realised I had m'own teesh!!" she blathered on, reaching for a fortifying Hob-Nob...... "But I tell y'wot...." she continues...," Y'can have the resht of m'drink....it'll cure yer cleanin' dishorder an' chill y'out......We can wait up on BRW's return together!! I shwear I'll give 'er a peesh of m'mind!! Not that there's a lot lef', mind you....." Female Inquisitor agrees, and The Jester sighs in resignation......perhaps he should seek out Captain Commando for a bit of male bonding...in all too short supply in the Batcave!!! He saunters off, and ends up cleaning for a few hours, without noticing the passage of time.... Failing Captain Comando's presence, there is always Best Mate Man for consolatory bonding!! All this spandex/lycra must do things to the brain......thought Jester... "That's it!!" he mouthed..." From now on, all cossies must be made from flannel....it never fails to produce solid, dependable individuals!!!" He turns to voice his suggestions to the 'ladies', and is met by a snoozing, drooling vision of supergal lovlieness and empty bottles... With a *sigh*! he bins the bottles and retreats to his office, sure his mobile contains Captain Commando's number........ And the Caped Confuser snores on, safe in the knowledge that tomorrow she will suffer from a humungous headache that was, nonetheless, worth it!!! To Spandex and Beyond!!!! CC x Edited July 16, 2004 by pookie170 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted July 17, 2004 Snore! Harrumph! Cough! (Drool!) It is nearly the end of term and The Jester is nearing his "Aestonation" period. (It's like Hibernation, only in the summer... Jester , too, is classically educated. ) A couple of glasses of Whisky and NightNurse with a Buckfast and Actifed chaser and he's happily in the land of Nod. But no! The recumbent Jester is being shaken awake! Mwaargh! He opens a bleary eye to see - variously - the Uberthong, slim legs tottering on 'embroidered kitten heeled mules' and exotic rubber gloves. It is the Female Inquisitor "Is it the end of term?" he asks...though looking at the situation and the costume he's thinking "...or is it my birthday?? Ding Dong!" Realising that he has no rubber gloves of his own she pouts and to the strains of 'Wonder Woman' she is gone. But Lo! In her haste, she has lost a shoe and The Jester sweeps it up. Holding it aloft he cries "I shall search the kingdom until I find the mysterious, beautiful girl who fits this ...er... Emma Hope embroidered, kitten heeled mule. To the Jestmobile!" "Where are you going?" cry the superchums. The Jester strikes a pose (trying Orlando Bloom, managing Orville the Duck) and gestures to the door. "The Female Inquisitor has gone again," he tells them, "and the future happiness of my marriage and its - ahem - physical aspects, depends on me finding some rubber gloves and an appropriately-sized mule!" It is a mercy that he cannot see their expressions as he vaults into the Jestmobile and powers from the Batcave. "To Insanity and Beyond". Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lisajb Report post Posted July 17, 2004 Orlando Bloomers? He lives not too far away from me! Wears a pair of tights with distinction too! lolol WKD Breezer Woman Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
