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hev

hes not got one friend

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i think one of the hardest things i find with stevens aspergers is his lack of friends,i see kids playing in the street and i could cry then i go home and hes on his computer on his own,i have tried for years to come to terms with this but its always there,i dont think hes bothered but i would love to see him and some boys playing football or for him to have a best friend,i think i feel it more today cos half term is coming up,i do take him out a lot to stop the boredom,im sure its more of my problem than it is his to be honest as he never mentions it,does anyone else feel like this?

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Aw hev i feel the same.Kieran doesnt have friends he has a friend who was his best friend at school who used to come around every weekend but he hasnt been for a while, i think its because kieran always forces his obsessions on him which games they play etc.Kieran as great problems with going out so he just sits in his groundhog day 24/7 but he doesnt seem to mind it.His friend is a lot like him but when im at work he often comes into the shop with a couple of others which makes me sad that kieran wont even attempt to go anywhere but id only worry about him anyway because his lack of road sense and confrontational issues etc .But it is sad for them and i dont knowhow we can combat this for our siblings.Kiearn is 19 and his younger brother is 16 but they dont see eye to eye only when it suits him and thats only because of kierans autistic traits. lynn

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Hi Hev,

 

My daughter is the same. it used to upset me when she was younger but i have learnt to accept that she is happier in front of the computer. she sits tapping away, while outside i hear the other kids screeching and laughing. when i ask her she says she is happy as she is. She chats on forums with other kids and says she has a social life on the pc. i think its because she doesnt have to meet these kids face on. she has lots of computer friends but not one friend at home or school.

The main thing is she is happy. Anything that makes her happy is good enough for me :D

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My son is the same... and this is the one thing that is eating away at my insides. :tearful:

 

All I want is for him to be happy... if I thought he was happy freindless then I'd be fine... but he struggles and really wants these kids to like him and he just can't do it. He is a fab kid and has a wicked sense of humour... but his peers don't get him. I actually think he's almost given up trying and is trying to convince me it doesn't bother him any more... mothers instinct tells me this... but it could just be paranoia!?

 

I can so sympathis with you on this. I used to try fill the holiday's by inviting these kids over to play... hoping for a connection. This half term I'll just shower him with family love. I'm not saying it's better... I'm still in the hopeless learning curve on what's best for him.

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At home Martin rarely goes out to play unless it's with his big brothers or twin sister. He's far happier living in the land of "RuneScape" on the computer where he has loads of friends - although we have to monitor the kind of friends he has here.

 

He does have a handful of friends at school - his closest friend also has AS but he leaves for high school next year - he tends to stick to one or two because the others "get him into trouble" he tells me.

 

It doesn't bother me because it doesn't bother him - it's how he prefers to live his life.

 

Daisy

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anxiousmom

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. Our two Autistic boys (5 and 7) do not have any friends outside the house, and it is heartwrenching watching them grow up without them.

 

H (5) does not have an issue with this. He is happily self-contained and has no desire to acquire friends, or be popular, and is unconcerned by the notion of being different from other children. This may change as he gets older, but he is currently happy being the way he is.

 

J (7) on the other hand is insecure, and acutely aware that he had no friends, and is upset angry and frustrated by it, which has led to him withdrawing from a lot of the things he used to do for fear of rejection.

 

An Autistic child who deires no frends is very hard for a parent to come to terms with. An Autistic child who desires friends and popularity but lacks the skills to achive them is incredibly upsetting for a parent, it has a bigger emotional impact on us than anything else we deal with as parents.

 

The saving grace at the moment is that they are incredibly close to each other, and are happy to spend hours in each others company. The have two younger siblings as well, which also helps.

 

 

Simon

Edited by mossgrove

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I identify with everything that has been said so far. My daughter is the same as yours mel - I don't know what we would do without the computer and I'm thankful that at least she does make contact with others this way. In the last six months she has only socialised with one person her own age and then it's strictly on her terms and very infrequent.

 

I feel sad when I watch groups of schoolgirls go by - we live on a main route to her old school, so I have frequent reminders of how she used to be when she was playing a being a normal teenager- she used to go around with other girls and invite them round. So I sympathise with everyone who is suffering because of their child's isolation.

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I know its tough but if they are happy like that then at the end of the day that's what's important.I think many people with as just love their own company and their obsessions and it is sadder for others than for them.Lots of them are completely happy like that.It is hard to accept them for what they are though but they just don't have the same need to interract and they rarely initiate contact.

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Hi this is my first post. I have a 8 year old daughter with ASD, she always seems to do her own thing and is never worried if she has any friends. I worry more, but as long as she is happy thats what counts.

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Hi Char too no friend but I do think he would like to make them but he can't and I don't think he would be able to keep them.He is happy I think and that's what counts.As long as he never wants for anything and is happy doing what every strange thing he likes doing then that will do for us.

 

:clap:

 

Lisa

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My personal view is that the difficulty arises when the child chooses to mix with others and actively wants to, but can't. I'd be much happier if J wanted to be alone and doing his own thing, but he's desperate to have friends. He didn't see a soul over the summer holidays, apart from new people he met at the SN summer scheme - no phone calls asking to see him and I didn't feel comfortable ringing out because I know what the answer would have been. More recently his friendships have been redeveloping because of his improved behaviour in school, but he can't maintain that when he brings them home and the 'friends' are alarmed at his tantrums, inability to share, oddness etc. It's sad and difficult for all concerned.

 

Karen

x

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The issue is whether your kid really wants friends or not. Some kids are quite happy with their family and their computer/toys/books or whatever, others desperately want friends but can't make any, and others secretly want friends but don't admit to it. You have to find out what your kid wants before you and they can make a decision what to do next. An important point is that friends do not have to be of the same age as your kid or attend the same school. In fact school can be a bad environment for making friends and it is probably better to have 5 good friends rather than 50 acquaintances.

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  An Autistic child who desires friends and popularity but lacks the skills to achive them is incredibly upsetting for a parent, it has a bigger emotional impact on us

 

That is the thing that upsets me. My four year old loves playing with other children, talks a lot about his firends and at the moment things are going well. Thanks to the efforts of the staff he's mixing much better with the children at nursery and more importantly they want to play with him and we see other friends outside nursery for play dates. It's the future that worries me, when he starts school with a bunch of kids he doesn't know or as kids get older and are less forgiving. Reading the posts from parents of older children made me feel sad for them and for the possible future that my boy might experience

 

Liz

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Hi Hev,

 

 

I know how hard it is to watch as our children go on year after year without having any friends...

 

But i just wanted to say, you never know whats round the corner...after one friendship that ended just awfully...4 years later and A has a friend!!!

 

Its only at its beginings, but hey thats a start!

 

So I just wanted to say, never give up thinking it can't happen :D

 

Regards, tizz

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thanks for replies,it made me feel lot better,since i posted hes been going over shop and on bus on his own and he seems very happy,i know its me who has to come to terms with it all,hes ok

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I just wanted to give my thoughts on this thread,from the perspective of a 40yr old Aspie.It is natural for parents to worry about the lack of friends their kids may have,but in my situation when i was growing up,i was quite content with the lack of friends i had.Of course i realised that i was different from other kids when they were all outside playing and you were inside reading (no computers in my day!),but i suppose thinking back,i knew i would make friends when i was ready to and on my terms!I made "friends" by playing team sports,which i got heavily into,but once the game finished that was the end of socialising. I suppose what i am trying to say is that although it looks bad from the outside,not everyone craves or needs "friendship" as we know it and a family's love can go a long way to help. Jusy my thoughts :D:D

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