A question for Aspies/ASDs on the forum

[puffin]

I wanted to ask those of you who have first hand experience about the issue of friends.

 

One thing that worries parents and carers is when our children do not have friends. I was wondering how those who are AS/ASD percieve this; is it something that upsets and worries you when you have AS/ASD? Or is the 'norm' of friends and extensive social interaction an NT expectation that is not percieved in the same way by those with AS/ASD?

 

I'm just wondering how I should support my 9-year old AS daughter. She has some 'friends' in school but there seems to be little contact out of school.

[Lynden]

I'm not really qualified to answer this as my little one is just 2 so friends aren't really an issue yet.

 

However, I know the difference between my hubby and I though - I'm a very social person and love being surrounded by people. My hubby (who is probably AS) is a bit of a loner and doesn't care if he sees people from one day (apart from us of course!) to the next and although has acquantances doesn't make friends easily and only has one real close friend. I often feel sad for him, but its really not something that upsets him.

 

So with Logan, I know I'm going to struggle with the idea that he may not need/want friends but knowing how my hubby is will hopefully help me understand that a bit better.

 

Lynne x

[tizzmeclare]

Hi Puffin,

 

A is nine- We've talked to him several times about friends and if he would like some... and the answer has always been mixed. sometimes he seems desperate to have friends ( especially as his older brothers - non AS- have loads!) and at other times he just says - he's doesn't mind!.

 

His first experience of having a friend in year one, went awfully wrong, with the parents demanding that A is kept away from their child! it resulted in us taking A out of school and homeschooling for a couple of years.

 

He's been back in school since year 3 ( he's now in year 5) and has just got his frist (well i suppose you could say second) friend.

 

A is very happy to have his new friend, but as I watch them, I can see that A is not making any eye contact and the interaction is limited, so I guess I will just have to wait and see if it does develop.

 

Regards, tizz

[Strange girl]

I want friends when I want them.. I would be seen as self centered or self absorbed I suppose, but its not my intention. I feel worse about not having lots of close friendships because I know it is what is expected of me. Personally I can only tolerate the company of others on a limited basis. It tires me out and requires a lot of effort on my part. I prefer to go to cinema and shopping by myself, i do not get the same buzz other women seem to get out of spending loads of time with each other. Going to the loo with my mate to talk about other mates in the pub is an alien concept to me.

I think NT's want us to have friends more than we want to at times. A couple friends you can count on when you're up to it is good, especially if they can understand and accept that sometimes you just can't face it and its not that you are being funny with them. Some people get paranoid and don't understand that socialising is a complicated activity more than a natural spontanious thing we like to do... Well for me anyway. I know a lot of people and I genuinely like them all, I just don't want to spend huge amounts of time with them. Also if I spent too much time with them I would have too many opportunities to say the wrong thing more often or behave in the wrong way and end up having fewer friends as a result. It's truly a case of 'less is more'.

 

My son gets upset in the prolonged company of other children but he likes to have friends. He just does better if he mixes for a limited time and not for the duration like other kids seem to be able to do. He plays better with some children than others. Some kids have a way of triggering his explosive nature easily, while others seem to get a good length of quality play out of him. It's a case of trying to quit while he's ahead.

HTH

Edited October 21, 2005 by Strange girl

[Tally]

I don't really have any friends, but I am usually happy that way. I get on OK with the people I work with. I don't know how much I have in common with them, as we don't socialise outside of work.

 

I would ask their advice if it was about something I thought they'd know about (eg, asking someone who owns a cat to recommend a vet to take my cat to), but I wouldn't turn to any of them for emotional support.

 

I don't really get on that well with people my own age, because I don't enjoy going to pubs because of my sensory issues associated with crowds and noise. The people I get on with best are usually older than me.

 

I'm lucky that my job involves mostly working along side other people, rather than directly with them. I find it really hard to train a new starter, because I have to spend the whole day with them, and to make them feel comfortable, it's good to try and chat. I made one woman cry at the end of her 1st week because she thought I hated her, and I really didn't.

 

I have my husband though. I think that I would feel lonely at times if I did not have him. When I rented a room in someone's house (before I met my husband), I spent most of my time in my room, but there were times when I would go and watch telly with the family for a bit of company. I didn't chat to them much, just being in the room with them was all I wanted. There were times when I felt eaten up by alone-ness, but I had just left home after a huge row with my parents, and was severely depressed, so that probably contributed.

 

I expect that your daughter is content not to see her friends outside of school. I had all the social contact I needed in school, and needed to be alone in the evenings to relax. If she wants to invite friends round, the weekend might be the best time, as after a day at school, it may be too much for her. What does she say about it?

[fay]

Hi,

 

I am a single mother of 3 children my eldest Lauren who was diagnosed at the age of 2 1/2 as being classically autistic with severe learning difficulties. Lauren is 9 now also and has never really shown any interest until recently interacting with any other children. Now she has started to take an interest in imaginative play and enjoys having tea parties for her teddies her teacher has said that she has started to tolerate other more able children in her class joining in. For me this is great as it is hopefully the start of some interaction with other children.

 

I have always found it difficult to deal with myself when it is Lauren's birthday as I would love to have a party for her like I do my other daughter but there is no one from school I could invite, as she doesn't interact enough with them.

 

I have just come to the conclusion as long as she is happy in her own world doing what she enjoys then I have no need to worry whether she has friends or not.

[Noetic]

One thing that worries parents and carers is when our children do not have friends. I was wondering how those who are AS/ASD percieve this; is it something that upsets and worries you when you have AS/ASD? Or is the 'norm' of friends and extensive social interaction an NT expectation that is not percieved in the same way by those with AS/ASD?

The only thing that is 100% certain is that this is different for different people, and in many cases, also various throughout your life. So there is no way someone with ASD can say "This is how it is for me" and it applies for everyone else with ASD. Although I think that is the case for most aspects of ASD, I believe perhaps the need/desire for friendship is one of the most diverse things on the Spectrum.

 

Some of us just don't see the point. Ever. No desire for friends, just not bothered. Genuinely. It is not an "act" (you know, to cover the frustration of not being able to hold friendships) or something they have resigned themselves to. Just general lack of need, happy to be on my own type of thing.

 

Some want friends, but only casual ones - others may prefer a few close friendships.

 

Others yet are positively scared of people, to the point where social phobia also applies, and needs to be addressed in order to allow them to at least tolerate others to some degree.

 

Some LOVE people and can't get enough, making disinhibited approaches and not registering rejection when it occurs.

 

Yet others suffer deeply from their lack of friendships, distraught about their apparent inability to get along, yet desperate to make friends.

 

And many change over time. The aloof child may turn into an active, chattry waterfall who relishes in having an 'audience'. The active, chatty toddler may become content with his or her own company as time goes by. Or an aloof child can grow into a teenager who, from outside, still appears to be aloof and content with their own company, yet inside they are screaming because they are so lonely and don't have the first clue how to change that.

 

So to put it short, if you can at all do so, try and find out (perhaps using social stories or pictures) how your girl feels about this. It is also important to remember that he may begin to want friends when he gets to his teens, and it may be a good idea to equip him with some skills (and perhaps some acquaintances) in preparation, in case he does begin to desire friendships.

 

Personally, until I was about 4, I couldn't have cared less about other people full stop. Later on, there occasionally were people in playgroups that I played with, or that my Mum 'set me up with'. I was fine as long as we either did what I wanted to do (I occasionally tended to go on the playground in our estate and try and get other kids to go along with an idea I had - mostly it went wrong, such as the time I got them to round up a baby mouse for me to catch. It bit me and instead of going on holidays, I bled all over the flat and was dragged to the GP for a Tetanus shot).

 

I ended up playing out scenarios to do with my interests later on, and had one girl who went along with my WWII obsession, and another who occasionally went along with my detective games.

 

I wasn't really fussed about friends in school, and got very frustrated with the whole fuss about secrets and rivalry. When I got to about 12, I did go through a phase where I was deeply upset about my lack of friends. My parents tried to pack me off to a variety of activities, hoping that I would make friends there, but it never amounted to much, and I was terrified of all the new things she tried to get me to do. I did enjoy the drama group though.

 

When I was 14 I started babysitting (my Mum had the babysitting agency) and became friends with a family whose son my Mum & I looked after when he was 2 months old. I ended up going to New York (at the height of a severe obsession with Woody Allen - and then I missed him walking right past me because I had dropped a dime at Michael's Pub!) with them for 10 days and we still meet up when I go back home.

 

Their son and his Dad have some very strong AS traits, it's funny how his Mum tells me every time I see her "He's just like you were back then, always lecturing us about his interests, and talking all over the place". In those moments I wish I could talk about autism better (I find it hard, because it always invites personal questions and I get pushed in a corner trying to explain).

 

I did become more aware of myself and others over time, and eventually started looking after myself a bit (although mostly it was one-sided obsessions, like pincing hairs from my legs, or eye makeup, or squeezing zits etc.) and eventually did make a handful of friends (3), mostly from a tap dancing class. I still meet up with them when I visit, although I find it difficult to keep in touch because a lot of the time I don't have the energy to.

 

Here, I live with my partner, who is also a bit of a loner, so we give each other space. I have one friend I meet up with alone from time to time (like once every other month), and we have a few shared friends whom we meet occasionally.

Edited October 22, 2005 by Noetic

[ceecee]

HI

I have mild aspergers and i don't really have the same need to interract as an nt person.I talk to many people throughout the day going up and down to the school playschool etc but I like my own company and thats as far as it goes.At school I had friends but never felt the need to invite them home.I was ready for time on my own.I can interract as well as anyone else but I don't have the same need to as other people.

I do in fact sometimes get lonely.I need some interration.I also get bored but then I don't have the obsessions that take up my time.I guess everyone on the spectrum is affected slightly differently but we are all affected by the friends issue to varying degrees and in some way or another.Hope this posting helps.

Edited December 3, 2005 by ceecee

[Believer]

Hi. Matthew is almost nine now. It has worried me that he doesn't really have friends. We're relatively new to the area -- just moved to a new state last year. He's doing better this year, but last year the kids at school just made him cry and feel bad about himself.

It worries me because I've learned that Aspies have a high mortality rate because they can sometimes feel very alienated and lonely. I guess it's just a matter of finding someone who likes him for who he is. And I agree that playtime with a friend is better in small doses.

Most of the kids on our block are older, so he can't just run out and play too easily. When we invite someone over, it's just for an hour or we'll meet at a park for an hour. That's seems to work well for him. The other difficulty I have is that he seems to pick kids that I wouldn't -- kids that are VERY high energy -- I could even say WILD. So again, small doses is the key for us.

[Guest GILBO!]

I wanted to ask those of you who have first hand experience about the issue of friends.

 

One thing that worries parents and carers is when our children do not have friends. I was wondering how those who are AS/ASD percieve this; is it something that upsets and worries you when you have AS/ASD? Or is the 'norm' of friends and extensive social interaction an NT expectation that is not percieved in the same way by those with AS/ASD?

 

I'm just wondering how I should support my 9-year old AS daughter. She has some 'friends' in school but there seems to be little contact out of school.

I have AS and im 14, heres how i see the issue.

 

Most kids with As have obssesions, however with me they pretty much come and go with only the key ones remaining. My obssesions can, and very much do take up a lot of my time. I dont find it hard to make friends, and usually all i have to do is call on an old friend when i want to hang out with them.

 

Im more reliant on interests than people to get me through my spare time, and thus during the months where i dont really want to speak to other kids i just dont.

 

Hope that helps.

[Guest GILBO!]

Not to be a $hill or anything, but im doing a few chapters in the book that me and some other kids from my school are planning to do, if you want to here more about my stance on this then keep watching the coming soon thread for updates.