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reuby2

Found out today my son may have autism.

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After spending 3 hours answering questions about my son Jim today at Cams

We have been told that the psychiatrist thinks my son has autism, she is going to get a report from school and we see her again in 3 weeks. I am gutted! My son is

bright ,intelligent and well liked.He doesn't socialise at school and appears shy, instead spending time walking around on his own.He is very anxious (which is why we were referred) and hates going to school and being seperate from me(mum)

He is very loving towards myself and Dad but will not give a kiss or any affection to Nana,Grandad etc.I am finding it hard to believe that he has autism and am really upset to think that this is something that is serious and long term.I keep wondering what his future will be like (he is just 7 now).Will he get a job and get married,have kids etc.Sorry if i sound so negative but i feel like a huge bombshell has been dropped on my head. Did anyone else find it hard when there kids were diagnosed?He is a good kid whom we idolise ,and our only child.

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Hi Reuby2,

 

Welcome to the forum :)

 

When our son was diagnosed, even though we suspected what the diagnosis was going to be, it was still a shock. The whole diagnosis process opens up a roller-coaster of emotions.

 

Please remember your son is the same child he was yesterday.

 

We are always here for you. If you have any questions, there's always somebody who will know the answer.

 

Annie

>:D<<'>

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Hi and welcome , Yes I did find it hard when my son 14 was diagnosed last dec after a long hard battle to find out why he was like he is.

 

He is bright and his problems are complex but mostly social anxiety.

 

 

I know it's easier said than done but try to take each day at a time or things can get bad for you ( extremely stressful). I found this out the hard way.

 

First and foremost he is still your son no matter what and you've done your best for him so far getting the diagnosis . Take time to sit back and relax and take in the news then work out what you need to do regarding support etc, you'll get a lot of support and help here, I know I have.

 

 

Take care and now you've found us please stay.

 

T

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Thank you all so much.It has made me feel much better.I spent a lot of today crying, I think i am currently in denial e.g He is just shy,will grow out of it,just needs confidence, Psychiatrist doesn't know what she's talking about etc.I have a generalized anxiety disorder and feel like it's my fault.I just thought they were going to say he was struggling with anxiety (he seems to be petrified by death and germs at the moment) so was knocked for six by her saying autism.

Thanks for your support

x

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Hi reuby2 and welcome to the forum. Obviously this has come out of the blue. You're bound to be in shock as a result. When you have had time to take it in your probably going to have lots of things you want to know. You know where to ask. Most of us have been through what your going through.

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I know it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment, but the feelings you describe are normal. I know I felt them at the time.

 

Please try not to feel like it is your fault, it isn't.

 

Annie

>:D<<'>

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Hi Reuby2

 

>:D<<'> Welcome. Annie is right everything that you are feeling right now is what we have all felt. It is a big thing to come to terms with and it does not happen over night. I can clearly remember looking at my youngest son, at the time aged 3, and thinking - well I know that something is not quite right but at least it's not autism - that is because my image of autism was certainly not that of the child I was looking at playing on the floor. However I now know that autism really is a spectrum and that no two children are ever the same. I really know that one for a fact as I have two of the little blighters.

 

I also clearly remember my eldest son having strong words with me one day when I was being very tearful and he said that he could not understand why I was so upset? He said that so far as he was concerend his two brothers had not changed a jot since their diagnosis. All that had changed was we now had a name for their problems. It's still not an easy circle to square but you are in the best possible place to receive all of the support and listening ears that you could wish for.

 

Carole

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Hi Reuby - I think most of us have felt how you're feeling now. I know i did even though by the time my son was diagnosed I was pretty much expecting it. If this has come right out of the blue for you it must be even harder >:D<<'>

I remember when my sons SENCO suggested AS to me years ago now I first dismissed it out of hand, it wasn't even so much denial as I just thought she's got it wrong! When I look back knowing what I know now I realise this was actually just ignorance on my part, I did not know much about ASD's at all and what I did know was based on a few media misconceptions and opinions of (uninformed) others. The term autism just did not fit into my perception of my son and to be perfectly honest it frightend me a bit.

However after doing a lot of research and talking to people who I could trust and who know their stuff (definately including people on this website) I realised that my son pretty obviously has AS and that he is still wonderful and intelligent and loving and funny and kind and annoying and a mystery and challenging! He is still all those things with AS just as he was before it. I hope that makes sense to you.

I do not doubt my son has right diagnosis now (though it caused me a lot of angst at first) but I know now he he is still his individual self whatever label he has. :)

Try not to worry too much about the long term future none of us can second guess it anyway. Give yourself time and keep posting here it really is a great place for support and information.

Take care - luv Witsend.

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Hi Reuby

 

When it was first suggested to me that my son could have autism, I went ballistic with the person who suggested it( my mum) as I thought that something like autism would mean a life sentence in a psychiatric unit - that is the level of ignorance that I had.

 

Reading and this forum have helped me realise that life is the same but there is an explanation and meaning now for things that were puzzling when he was younger.

 

With support and love and strategies to help with the problematical aspects of his autism, and the right educational setting, there is no reason why your son can not grown up to be gainfully employed and to have a family.

 

Have a look at some of the forum polls to see how many of the people on this forum have an ASD or have a partner or close family member who is not a child who has an ASD.

 

Take time to get to grips with it and then, be proud of your truly unique young person.

 

There is always a cyber shoulder and a listening ear on this forum.

 

Best wishes

 

HelenL

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Hi Reuby :)

 

Welcome to the group, you will find lot of advice and support here. You see what ever the road you take to come to a DX it is always a big shock :crying: and we need time to adjust learn and rationalised what we have in front of us. :(

 

When my son was very young 3/4 he had language problems and went for speech therapy at the same time two friends pointed out that he was difficult (lots of tantrums) because he found difficut to express himself which I agreed with but at the time I thought thing would get better with speech therapy. :unsure:

 

At age 5 however even after he had been in reception for a year and seemed to cope with it, he had terrible tantrum every morning when I was leaving him at school, and I was told that he was too attach to me. :shame:

Reading about autism and Asperger I really connected it to my son problems I did some test about theory of mind and became more certain that he had ASD. From there after pressure on the school and a request to the GP he was test and DX with ASD.He was 7.

 

I was so relieved at first because I could put a name on what was wrong and because I felt that the school could not ignore him anymore, B) and that it was not my fault, but eventualy after a couple of weeks it was like an after shock which overwhelmed me I felt like crying all the time I was looking at him trying to find some indication that it was all a big mistake and everything was just going to be find. :tearful:

It was at this time that I had my appointment with the neurodevelopmental team to discuss the report and all their finding this really help me a lot they really try so hard to tell me what they had to say without pushing things too hard on me, they really reassured me that I was doing the right thing and I was not at fault. :oops:

They as well told me that it was a condition which does not go away which I found the most difficult thing to cope with psychologicaly, sometimes I find H coping quite well and I think he is so "normal" how can that be, however most of the time something happens to remind me of his condition, :wacko: and yes I still feel sad about it but somehow he is my lovely son so affectionate and so clever drawing like noone else at his age and being soooo... good with computer game, one of his friend last year use to call him the computer genius.

 

There is the DX but mainly there is your little boy who you love :wub: more than anybody else and because of this you are the one who can help him the most but yes feeling upset about the DX is what we feel because of this love for them. :wub: beside it you were not prepared for it it is even harder.

 

I hope you will find support and the strengh to overcome your sad feeling.

Be sure that we are all with you. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Take care. >:D<<'>

 

Malika.

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Guest hallyscomet

Hi,

 

I copied this from another post as I feel there is a lot of helpful tips that may help you.

 

Some strategies to help.

 

Here tis

 

=====

 

I thought I?d share a few tips which help me get by.

 

I understand that kids with AS are under near-constant stress, so I focus on reducing or removing stress wherever possible.

 

Its also important to adjust your expectations ? since my son was diagnosed, we no longer expected him to do things which are normal for a child his age, but terribly hard for him (eg being polite when he?s stressed-out).

 

Avoid spontaneity - in our family everything is planned ahead, including the nice things like swimming. My son can get very upset if we do things without notice.

 

Avoid exciting things ? simple horse-play can over-stimulate my son, and can result in melt-down.

 

Organise!! - My son has written schedules for the week ahead, showing school events, homework times, special events, after-school activities etc. He used to have written schedules for each day (and sometimes still does in the holidays) and also for the lead-up to bedtime ? but he seems to know them by heart now. It sometimes has helped to illustrate the schedules ? eg with clipart pictures.

 

Give him time ? someone once told me to count to ten after making a remark or asking a question ? it?s a good tip.

 

Give him space ? my son is lucky enough to have his own room, which is arranged and decorated just as he likes, and is a good place to relax. I?ve read of some people with AS (eg Liane Holliday Willey whose books have helped me) who have their own spaces under the stairs, in cupboards or other tiny places.

 

Take a time-out - when I get angry, I often simply leave the room ? or stay quiet if we?re in the car. I also try to meditate (deep breathing etc) it usually helps.

 

When he?s especially stressed and having trouble getting to sleep, my son likes to have a back massage. We use a lavender oil (he chose it), and often follow up with relaxation techniques (mostly learned in yoga). These are lovely healing times for myself and my son.

 

I could go on - but then I realise that I already have!!! I?d love to know how other parents manage.

 

+++++=====

 

Another thing, read any book on grieving they will help you, as when we get a diagnosis like this we all go through a grieving process. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF...

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In some ways the fact that you suffer from the effects of anxiety yourself is a really positive thing for your son.

stress and anxiety are the roots of a lot of the problems our children face - when we deal with the stresses they are feeling it makes life and learning much easier for them.

you know what this feels like and are so much better placed to understand it than many of us.

 

don't feel guilty about it, use your own experience to help and support your son.

 

my own son has such problems with anxiety but when he is happy he is a star, he literally shines.

 

Also the stereotypes aren't all so one sided and negative - there are many special people through history and today who were probably autistic - Andy Warhol, Leonardo Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Bill Gates .....

 

there was a programme on BBC something the other day, or possibly the history channel, which was examining the oldest cave paintings in the world and apparently the whole cave full was done by one person. The experts are now suggesting that the person responsible for the first steps into human art was autistic!

 

our children are very special, every one of them.

 

give yourself time to adjust and step back and think just how wonderful your son is to have coped so well so far.

Now he has your support and understanding he has the chance to even better.

 

take care >:D<<'>

 

Zemanski

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Welcome Reuby, >:D<<'>

 

Most parents have some idea that there child may be on the autistic spectrum before meeting the professionals. This must have been a tremendous shock for you. I have to admit your posting brought a lump to my throat.

 

My eldest wasn't diagnosed with autism until he was 19, after spending most of those years trying to convince everyone of my sons problems I was ecstatic to have his difficulties recognised.

 

You have been given some wonderful advice already, I hope you find the support here helps you through this difficult time.

 

Nellie >:D<<'>

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hi reuby.I have to agree with what nellie says as my son wasnt dx with autism until he was nearly 18 and in my case it was a relief for people to listen to me and eventually get the dx at least you can move on now you know and do the best for your child and ive recieved most help and advice from the board from other parents experiences etc than from anywhere else.Before i got kierans dx i did a lot of reading about autism on the internet etc special sites and there is a wealth of information out there.But as with everything else not all children are the same our children are still indviduals but they havent changed. lynn

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Guest flutter

welcome >:D<<'>

cant say anythign other than to support what others have said

a diagnosis for us was a blessing, cos we had been searchin for an answer for years, for you outa blue must have been hard

stay learn and have fun

C x

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After spending 3 hours answering questions about my son Jim today at Cams

We have been told that the psychiatrist thinks my son has autism, she is going to get a report from school and we see her again in 3 weeks. I am gutted! My son is

bright ,intelligent and well liked.He doesn't socialise at school and appears shy, instead spending time walking around on his own.He is very anxious (which is why we were referred) and hates going to school and being seperate from me(mum)

He is very loving towards myself and Dad but will not give a kiss or any affection to Nana,Grandad etc.I am finding it hard to believe that he has autism and am really upset to think that this is something that is serious and long term.I keep wondering what his future will be like (he is just 7 now).Will he get a job and get married,have kids etc.Sorry if i sound so negative but i feel like a huge bombshell has been dropped on my head. Did anyone else find it hard when there kids were diagnosed?He is a good kid whom we idolise ,and our only child.

hello i was just sitting here reading you post when i thought that sounds like my daughter she is the same i am just starting to look in to what is wrong with her i have 5 children 4 boys and 1 girl the boys are 24 21 17 9 the girl is 6 next month i just thought thats the way little girls are silly me i thought that becouse people say girls are diffrent from boy you will see so just thought that was it untill school report what a shock so waiting to find out what is wrong all the best to you and your family jill

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Have some more of these hunni >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

And be kind to yourself - i remember very clearly how i felt after my son was diagnosed - and i had been fighting for the dx for years. Yet it still hits you like a sledge hammer. It must have been a tremendous shock for you.

 

You are most definately in the right place!! This forum has saved my sanity, helped me understand my son and helps me to fight for him. Plus they are a lovely bunch :wub::D

 

Have a read through the threads, but give yourself time for it to sink in. As parents we do go through a huge anount of emotions - grief is a good way to explain it.

 

 

>:D<<'>

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Hi Reuby2

 

(((((((((Reuby2))))))))) for you at the moment.

 

It really is best to take a day at a time - face each new milestone as you need to and only plan as far ahead as you need to - easily said, not so easily done ...

 

If you feel up to it try reading Welcome to Holland - be warned and have a box of tissues handy. :tearful:

 

When you're ready check the archives on here and ask any questions - someone will always pop up and help - even if it's just to get it off your chest.

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Hi Reuby,

 

Welcome to the forum :)

 

You have been given some great advice already. My son was diagnosed 10 months ago (he is nearly 3)

 

It is natural to go through some kind of grieving process after diagnosis and I spent a lot of time blaming myself, his dad, the mother in law :blink: never did get on with her :devil: and anything else or anyone else I could find to blame but like others have said - your daughter is still the same person she was before being diagnosed :wub:

 

Just take each day as it comes for the moment and at least now with a diagnosis you should be able to get the help you need for your son and family.

 

Stick with the forum - there are some very wise people on here :thumbs:

 

Denisex

Edited by Jadensmum

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Hi, again.

Thanks for all your support.I have definitely taken on board what has been said.

Thanks, thanks,thanks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I read "welcome to Holland" and broke my heart, I think that is it at the moment.Every hope and dream that I had for my son's future may be gone...may not but everything is now so uncertain.Family and friends say "you'll all be okay" and then they carry on with their lives just the same, even though before they thought he was a naughty boy and got angry at us for being patient.That is why I have found all of your replies so helpful because you are already there and know how it feels.My son is my everything and he is still the same.I have always wanted to protect him but I can't forever.He has already been teased at school over his speech, (he has been having speech therapy since feb and is improving) and the

primary school that he is at are very good, his teacher is the S.E.N.C.O for the school and very kind.Oh well "holland's" not so bad ,as long as i'm with my son anywhere's fine..

Edited by reuby2

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my hope and dream for my son are that he is happy and fulfilled.

 

In some ways this is the same dream as before he was diagnosed, just our ideas of what will help him acheive happiness and fulfilment have had to change a bit.

 

stay strong

 

Zemanski

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Hi reuby2,

 

What everyones said so far is really really true. My son Max (5) was DXd at 3, at the time I thought it was the end of the world, I remember feeling physically kicked in the stomach, the words "autism" just kept screaming through my head. I couldn't see where the future was going, I thought it was the end. I worried about everything for Max, like you he is my world and I am very protective of him. I worried for his future and what would happen to him. It was so so hard.

 

Like everyone on here says, give it time, read whatever you can, the National Autistic Society website is very good. Learn as much as you can about autism, some of it may frighten you, but remember not everything applies to each child, they are on a spectrum and all different.

 

2 years ago, I thought all our lives were over....I was wrong, its different yes, but different is OK. I love my little boy with all my heart, he is the most wonderful thing in my life, and I would die for him, thats never changed. Every achievement however small is wonderful, and when he looks at me with his beautiful brown eyes and smiles, I could reach for the stars. Would I change him...... no, he's my Max just the way he is, and your little one is and will always be the same for you.

 

Let yourself grieve, then when its right for you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you'll find Holland is pretty good actually.

 

Cheers and lots of love

 

Jo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Cheers everyone!!!!!

Well I am stopping feeling so sorry for myself now and feeling quite positive.My son is currently running around spraying water all over his Dad quite happily, nothing has changed and he isn't miserable (unless at school or with nana)

Life is going to be okay.Thanks for putting up with my moaning but it did help !!!!!

Hope you all have a good week,

from Fi (reuby is the dog!!!!!!!!!)

x

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Hi - another one who was devastated when the diagnosis came - we had a good idea what the problem was but I still broke down when it was confirmed. It gets easier and you will get lots of support here >:D<<'>

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Hi reuby2, just caught up with this one, and know exactly what you went through. I literally grieved for the life my little boy would never know and there are times today nearly 10 years later when it still hits me, and the pain of that loss is nearly unbearable. There have been times when I have lain awake in bed and made silent pacts with the anything that will listen to take my life in exchange for giving him back his.

 

But I know I couldn't love my son any more than I do, and I'll be be along side of him every step he takes in this life, for as long as I can and as long as he wants me, until he finds his way. We get moody and stressed with each other like any father and son, and his obsessions and life views can be irritating and tiring, and worrying but he is my life, and the time the three of us spend together as a happy family are truly wonderful. Anyway, I always thought Italy was overrated, their footballers are big girls blouses (sorry ladies), they use too much cheese, venice is smelly...

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