"I don't want to!!!"

[reuby2]

Hi,

We are having a lot of problems trying to get "J" to get out of the house or want to do anything...I mean anything.It is a constant battle at the weekends and we have a kind of deal going where we go out one day and stay in the next.Still it is really hard and my hubby and me feel really controlled ,not free to do as we want to. He has just gone to take the dogs with his dad, when we had his dog he promised to take it out at the weekends but he doesn't want to. He has just had a major meltdown because we have made him go.We think he needs some fresh air and exercise but he just wants to run round the house.They were off school yesterday and he spent most of the day watching the t.v, he didn't want to play with his toys or me and it was a bit impossible.When he is awake he wants us to play his games (imaginary roleplay) and we do but he wants our attention all the time and gets a bit nasty if he doesn't get it. Hubby and me feel shattered.WE have been making him go to beavers but since his dx we have been a bit less forceful as we didn't know whether it was worth him getting so het up.Once he is there he has a great time and the same when we go out, it just seems to be the initial power struggle. If we gave in to him he would never go out or do anything so we don't know what to do.Does anyone have any advice please.....PLEASE!!!!

Edited November 26, 2005 by reuby2

[call me jaded]

This seems to be a problem with transition - moving from one activity to the next. ALL my children do this to some extent.

 

I don't have time to write any more (we're going out at 12.30pm, I need to start now) but you could look up a few strategies on the web.

[oracle]

Sometimes after a child has been to school all week then they really do 'need' to chill. It's not them being unreasonable just for the hell of it. Even though Matthew is not at school he still has days when he simply can not face having to participate in things outside of the house. Does this make me a soft touch when I allow this to happen? Maybe but I do not think so. I have tried very hard to tune into my sons and how they tick. I have found that both need this 'time out' from mainstream life to recharge their ASD batteries. It is VERY difficult to deal with because yes you end up feeling that we are having enforced timeout but if I push the issue then it leads to meltdown. There are times when both of mine will stay in their rooms all day just chilling out. Some days they find life outside of our four walls to stressful to encounter. Although the weekend may be the perfect time for the rest of the family to go out and have fun for a child who has spent five days 'coping' at school it is probably the only time they have to wind down.

 

Having said all of the above then it is a very fine line to walk. We have an agreement in this house that we will not use the 'stay at home card' unless we really need to. Matthew will still play the card especially if he is being asked to go somethwhere or do something that he does not like. But when we all stick by the rules then it does work for us. Both of my sons now know that if they really are not up to going out then I will not force the issue. That has gained their trust and so they tend to be much more flexible.

 

Carole

Edited November 26, 2005 by carole

[jayjay]

Hi reuby2,

Im afraid im not much help as still learning this things but i have very similar problems with my son, because i work all week i tend to stay in on Saturdays to do the dreaded housework and Sundays is ironing and sunday roast (what a exciting life i lead) so weekends arent a prob for me as i do the same most weeks, i dont take him shopping as its a complete nightmare from the time we leave to the time we get back so tend to leave him with daddy while me and my daughter go off, i know i have gone off track now sorry anyway to the point. On Mondays and Thursdays at school he has swimming and football and he is guaranteed to have a temper tantrum both mornings because he doesnt want to do them, but the teachers say that when he does them he really enjoys himself so i cant understand why he kicks off bout them, i have put it all down to

1, getting dressed and undressed because he has major probs with that

2, the change of routine that he is used to.

But i am only guessing im afraid hopefully someone will come on soon who can help you

jayne xx

[rainbow queen]

hi-i have same probs too

agree it seems to be the power struggle with the transition-cause once they doing it they dont mind

it seems to be the getting there process

such a drain of energy-im getting used to it now though

i tend to ignore the moans/groans/screaming and hitting and all the rest

as find its useless trying to put your point across

my moto is "JUST DO IT" now talk about it later-lol

[reuby2]

aw thanks everyone

It just seems to grate on my nerves and me and hubby never have any time to ourselves and when we do want to do anything we have this tremendous struggle....i feel shattered!!!!!

We can't go out at night because he will not stay with anyone else so me and hubby end up getting frazzled at each other !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't like to feel as if i am forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do but like jayjay says when he actually does whatever, he most of the time enjoys it.

[anxiousmom]

I have similar problems with both my son (potential AS) and NT daughter.

 

They both did swimming, he footy, beavers and karate and her dancing.

 

I ditched swimming as they could do 25m and were always complaining and it cost me a fortune, I allowed him to drop footy as I hated the cold and he so SO obviously didn't 'fit in'. I'm about to drop dancing as I had a revelation ***why am I shouting at my daughter to get ready for me to drag her and her brother out in the cold , to a class she doesn't want to go to, so I can pay someone lots of money!?***.

 

They've had their taster.... next year it'll be another try at something or other... horse riding, a musical instrument.... I'm ready to go with the flow.

 

Not saying they shouldn't be gently encouraged but there's a real 'keepy uppy' thing going on where I am ... "I've enroled tarquin in something or other and we do something every night during the week and and and....".... I did nothing as a child and really it didn't do me any harm ....or did it?

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I have problems with this too. Kai went through a phase earlier this year where he wouldn't go out the house. This lastest for 5 months .

 

He's better now, but i still have tremendous trouble getting him out. We often plan to go somewhere, but then at the last minute he gets anxious and won't go. I can't force him out kicking and screaming so i give up.

 

However, i have managed to reach a sort of compromise with him. He likes to go out and watch trains, so i will take him, as long as i can do what i want to do aswell (ie pop into Tesco or something). He makes a fuss, but i just say to him that i have done what he wanted, and now he has to do something that i want.

 

I never plan any big days out as i know it will be too stressful for both of us. Instead i just go with the flow. If he's up for going out, i seize the moment and go for it!

 

Often we just go and feed the ducks or horses, or go out collecting leaves and twigs (one of his favourite pastimes!).

 

As for clubs after school, Kai's tried swimming and the after school club at the church, but he wasn't happy at either so that didn't last long. I'm think these things are worth a try, and if they like them then great, if not, no worries.

 

Anxiousmom, I know what you mean about other parents! It's like that where i live too. Some kids as young as 4 are at different clubs every night (ballet, french, kids yoga, golf etc etc). Poor kids. Do they spend any time with their parents? I think a good old fashoined walk in the woods is better than any of those !

 

Loulou x