more of this to come?

[anxiousmom]

A freind picked up my son and daughter from school today as I had a docs appointment.

 

On the way home he was arrogant and a little rude (made her carry bags, said he couldn't do up his coat etc). Also started swinging on school gate and pretended not to hear her.

 

She sympathetically told me that she can see his traits now. but then went on to tell me her son did the same.

 

After all the descriptions I just shrugged and said "that's not his AS it's just he was a 6 year old pushing the boundaries with his mate".

 

Is everything he does gonna be down to AS now? Does the patronising continue?

 

I'm waffling I know... someone must get what I'm trying to say so badly!!

[ceecee]

I understand what you are trying to say.To people with a limited knowledge and understanding of A.S. it is perhaps difficult to work out what is A.S. and what is unacceptable behaviour.Not everything can be blamed on A.S. otherwise people with A.S. are going to be able to get away with blue murder.

 

I have mild A.S. and I know after the event unfortunately what is because of my A.S. or my o.c.d. and what is just me being a pain.

 

I am a firm believer that people with A.S. particularly if it is mild should not be allowed to or allow themselves to give in to it and just unfortunately need to try a bit harder than the rest of the world.

 

This is easier said than done though and doesn't always work out.

 

I am lucky in some respects because I am very aware of how I can be where I think people with A.S> that is perhaps no so mild can be quite unaware of what parts of their behaviour are A.S.Therefore it is hard for them or others to rectify the situation

 

Anyway waffle over.Sounds like your friend needs to be educated in A.S. a little.

[baddad]

I am a firm believer that people with A.S. particularly if it is mild should not be allowed to or allow themselves to give in to it and just unfortunately need to try a bit harder than the rest of the world.

I am a firm believer that self diagnosis isn't a diagnosis, that those who are clinically depressed (for example) cannot just 'shake themselves out of it', and that people with ASD who are asked to 'try harder' may be put under intolerable pressure...

How can they stop getting it wrong when they have no concept of what is expected? Further - why should they be put in a situation where they have to play by somebody else rules 100% of the time?? That's called discrimination, and we have laws to protect all sorts of minorities from it.. Would you ask a coloured person to 'try harder' to be white? A gay person to 'try harder' to be straight?

I'll accept, Ceecee, that it may not have come out how you meant it, but please understand that - as written- some people (myself included) will find your post extremely offensive.

L&P

BD

[reuby2]

Anxious mom

Now that my son has been dx with an ASD, I find it difficult to know what is down to the ASD and what is bad behaviour ,and it seems that since we have found out the dx and are more unsure ,that his behaviour is getting worse !!!!!

 

I have started to realise that we are giving in more and we have to find a balance between understanding and being firm.

 

I have been told that being consistent is the key and that will make him feel safe as well, knowing the boundaries.

 

I think the important thing is to stay calm and try and be patient.

 

I'm in the same place as you right now and we'll get there in the end

Take care.

[littlenemo]

I am a firm believer that people with A.S. particularly if it is mild should not be allowed to or allow themselves to give in to it and just unfortunately need to try a bit harder than the rest of the world.

 

This is easier said than done though and doesn't always work out.

I'd forgotten this, but when I read you rpost it reminded me that when I was a teenager I used to repeat a little tongue-twister over and over when going to school and coming home:

"Stiff upper lip or a trip off a cliff"

which seems to sum up your two options rather well.

 

And no-one should have to live with just these two options. Ever.

 

 

Reuby - consistent is the key. It's hard work, and does take time. It may take 6 months for the effects to show but life will be better for everyone. Your son should feel less stress if he knows what he can and can't do, and that should result in better behaviour. Keeping to strict routines may not come to you naturally, but will make life easier for him.

One thing to note is that you need to agree rules and routines with your partner. If one of you says one thing and the other something else, it'll be back to square 1.

 

good luck and stay strong

 

nemo

[Hidden Gem]

I am a firm believer that self diagnosis isn't a diagnosis, that those who are clinically depressed (for example) cannot just 'shake themselves out of it', and that people with ASD who are asked to 'try harder' may be put under intolerable pressure...

How can they stop getting it wrong when they have no concept of what is expected? Further - why should they be put in a situation where they have to play by somebody else rules 100% of the time?? That's called discrimination, and we have laws to protect all sorts of minorities from it.. Would you ask a coloured person to 'try harder' to be white? A gay person to 'try harder' to be straight?

I'll accept, Ceecee, that it may not have come out how you meant it, but please understand that - as written- some people (myself included) will find your post extremely offensive.

L&P

BD

 

 

I have to add, from a professional point of view, my profession finds nothing more offensive than this 'have your cake and eat it disorder syndrome'. Those who self diagnose and say, well I have this disorder, it is not so bad that I cannot live a normal life, but it is just bad enough so that I do not have to accountabiolity or responsibility for my actions.

 

That's an excuse, not a disroder, it is frustrating for my profession becuase there are many (as this list shows) that need help and resources are stretched, lots of people need help and support and can't get it, becuase a minority choose an illness for themselves.

 

How lucky they are, to shop around for a disroder that suits them, if only those who find every waking moment of their day difficult, a struggle could be so flippant.

 

I feel for them, not the excuse makers. I stress it is the minority, but if you can live a normal life, why go on about it?

 

You could argue, but saying it is mild and then constantly mentioning it, is in fact giving into it. You've let it become part of your life.

 

If it is mild, what does it matter?

Edited January 16, 2006 by Hidden Gem

[ceecee]

Baddad

 

I didn't mean to cause offence and I apologise if i accidentally did, but I do feel quite strongly that I do need to try my best and overcome what things I can and i fully appreciate it is not that easy for others.I know I have been there.i have had a child with severe autism who was not able to overcome anything.

 

It is not as hidden gem rather unsmpathetically says about having your cake and eat it.

 

I do hold myself responsible for my actions( whether i have A.S. or not) .something many so called normal people do not.

Edited January 16, 2006 by ceecee

[Brook]

Hi Anxiousmum,

 

It can get on your nerves when people put 'everything' down to ASD, as sometimes I know my son is

just playing up like any other kid, but I always try and look behind a behaviour that is going on, even

though sometimes I cant fathom 'why'.

 

On the otherhand I have lost count of the times I have heard 'oh yes, dont worry about that my kid does

that to, it's quite normal behaviour', yes, they may well, infact alot of what my child does, so do most

other kids, but the BIG difference I find is the reason behind the behaviour, which I have found to be

a very different reason as to why their child is doing it as oppose to my son, also the reaction to whatever

triggered the behaviour, as well as the time it takes for my son to calm down from something that the

other kids may find initially upsetting but soon forget.

 

Maybe your son was arrogant and a little rude because he did not like the change of routine in being

picked up by someone else, maybe he started to swing on the gate and became engrossed and REALLY

didn't hear her? Her son may well have done these things but for different reasons.

 

I know it is difficult sussing out what behaviours are what, but I find it really patronising when people say

that there child is just the same, they dont see what my son goes through over the slightest thing going

wrong or out of routine, he initially displays the same behaviour as their kids, but certainly not for the

same reasons.

 

Sorry started to waffle.

But, just a thought.

 

Brook

[Paula]

Ignorant people and family memebers used to say to me that if i gave my As son a smack then hed stop being As !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My reply was if he was in a wheelchaire unable to walk would you say that all he needed was a good telling of and a smack and hey presto hed stand up and walk away from that wheel chaire cured and no longer unable to walk.

 

Then why the hell do you think all it takes is disapline and punishment and Autism will be cured .That shut them up fast.

[ceecee]

Paula

 

I was smacked numerous times as a child and it did not cure my A.S.

 

People are so ignorant sometimes.if only it were that simple a smack then all would be well.

 

Aspergers and dsylexia etc are what as refered to in our house as the often hidden disabilities.Doesn't mean they are curable though

[Strange girl]

I was smacked numerous times as a child and it did not cure my A.S.

 

Snap. I was smacked too and a lot of the time I didn't even understand or know what I had done to desrve it And times when I figured out what I had done I could not see how I could have prevented it anyway so in turn I felt the world was a very cruel and unfair place that did not understand or appreciate me. It understood that I was a *'lazy, stubborn, rude, defiant, retarded, weird, hypersensitive, awkward, spaced out, annoying freak' (that's so not me) and in turn I had all types of punishments from smacking, grounding, standing in a corner, being shouted at. (not a great punishment for someone with hearing sensitivity) All the bullying in the world did not help me conform to the norm either. Maybe if I had been hit just a little bit harder... ?

 

I have learned through self determination over decades how to just about function within society but not through put downs or harsh punishments. I have developed an adversion to adversity. So I have learned to mimic mannerisms, pleasantries, and imitate a form of eye contact. I have learned the translations for figures of speech. I have learned to overcome certain tactile defensive responses. ie I can reciprocate a greeting such as a hug, handshake etc. (still don't find it comfortable tho) But I will always have difficulties, the same as before my dx, as after, and I will always try to do my best knowing that sometimes I will get it wrong (without any motive or intent to.) I am still awkward, now called dyspraxic and have to try 10 times as hard as others to do what comes naturally to the majority of people.

 

I should find it easy to parent a child with ASD because I know what he goes through, but I don't, for different reasons, one being that my son is, as I am, expected to blend into an NT world with its own illogical rigid non-compliant ways. (I feel our family is a bit '3rd Rock from the Sun' 'oops-wrong planet syndrome' ) I have to try to help my son give his best and get the most out of life while sticking within the set guidelines set for each of us. God I must love a challenge.

 

Sorry AM- I know I've gone way off your topic, but I blame my ADD for digressing and losing concentration as everything I do is down to my neurological differences.

 

*ie. dyspraxic, ADD, ASD

[ceecee]

Strange girl

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Some of these i guess life isn't always easy for you, keep going.

 

As you know there is loads of support here for you

 

Your right smacking achieves absolutely nothing

[UltraMum]

J is starting to become very cheeky and answering back - but finds it really hard to understand what his tone of voice was like to make me cross and I'm struggling to explain it too - often it's not what he says but the way he says it - similar to many NT children ... but he doesn't always realise how he's said it if you get my drift and that's where the difficulty lies in trying to teach these things to our children - whereas an NT child usually has 'purpose' behind this j often says things that he's picked up from other children or the Tv and doesn't necessarily use them purposefully - like a lot of his language ...

 

Hope that made sense!

[Strange girl]

Thanks CeeCee.

 

I find a sense of humour helps.

 

I am really greatful for this site and all the support found here.

 

It's like the diary room of the BB household to me..

[ceecee]

Strange Girl

 

Me too.It is an excellent forum

 

Big brother is one of my favourite programes.Yes i know sad

[Jill]

Anxious Mom

 

Thankyou soooooo much for this post. I thought it was just me that got cross with things like this! It is so annoying when people say it.

 

Personally I think it's just an offshoot of "well I can't see anything is wrong with him, so he must be ok and you must just be a rubbish mum cos I can cope with my child well enough".

 

In other words - total arrogance and ignorance on their part.

 

I don't bother explaining any more, I just feel quite smug cos I know they wouldn't cope one day with The Boy - they'd soon change their tune about "well my child does that too" when they saw some of the things he does do

 

Mind you, by the same token, it annoys me when hubby says that some of the things he does are due to his autism, when I think it's just him being 4 years old

 

Looks like you just can't win with me!