Trapped in the house rant

[Paula]

I have to get this of my chest i realy do.

 

Im totally totally fed up.My son will not leave the house.Wont go anywhere.result being that im stuck at home with him board out of my skull with nothing to do except wash the pots or push a vacum round!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ive tried tempting him saying well have our lunch in KFc or anywhere you choose,ill buy you something but he refuses to budge.Says he wants to stay put and play PS2 games all day.

 

Yes i could force him drag him kicking and screaming out the house but i know from bitter experiance its not worth it.

 

So im trapped and tearing my haire out.Hes hardley the greatest converasationlist either ARGHHHHHH.

 

His sister managed to escape with her freind and go to town.His dad is at work and doesnt finish for the holidays till Friday so im stuck.

 

Why cant his bloomeing grandma look after him for half a day so i can get out before i go stark raveing loony.

 

I hate the holidays its always the same.

 

Im whingeing i know i hang my head in shame tommorrow is another day and maybe maybe i can ease him out the house to go to the asda.

 

Be still my heart the excitement is killing me.

 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2005 by Paula

[Guest flutter]

(((hugs))

we cant win, can we

hope you can bribe a wee bit 2moro so u can get out

[reuby2]

Hi Paula,

I really can identify with your situation, I was saying to my hubby this morning that I feel so trapped because there are things that I want and need to do (christmas shopping etc) but my son doesn't want to go out anywhere.He's 7 and anytime we want to go out we have to really stick to our guns and then when we are out it's not long before he's saying constantly "when are we going home!!" and we feel guilty and end up not doing much at all. My son now wont stay with anyone else apart from me and dad , the last time we went out (our anniversary in Nov) we had to come home as my mum who was babysitting was really concerned as he wouldn't talk to her and sat on his own in the dark saying "when is mum coming home" over and over and crying.

I'm quite a social person and I like to be out and about but we can't do those things we would love to do with him (the pictures,bowling, santa etc) as he really doesn't want to and gets annoyed if we keep asking him and point out that it may be fun. Every so often now we do eat out as a family, but it's more stress and trouble than it's worth and he really wants to go home.!!

Just keep going girl !!!! <'>

 

Thinking of you,

take care

[DAS999]

Hug and more hugs to you xxx

[lil_me]

Snap and lesser half has left his phone at home, think he guessed I would be phoning him for a moan. He's working right up until midnight on Xmas eve if not later so sick as a chip

[lindy-lou]

<'> <'> <'>

[smiley]

Paula - i know how you feel. <'>

 

I hate being stuck in - i get cabin fever! Drives me nuts.

 

<'> <'>

[ceecee]

I know it doen't help much but it is fairly common for people with A.S. to want to stay at home pursuing their obsessions.It also must be really frustrating when your son keeps asking to go home all the time when you have finally managed to get him out.

 

What about feeding one of his obsessions in some way there by getting him out of the house?

 

E.g. buying him a new game for his playstation?

 

I know you can't do this all the time but it may be worth it so you can get out. <'> <'> <'> Here's sending you some of these.

[Jacqs]

It's so frustrating when you want to go out and can't, my 4 year old does this too and people are always full of great advice like, I would make him go. They don't realise that our kids can't be forced or made to do anything they don't want to, bet they would soon change their opinions if it was them who was stuck in the middle of a street with their child sitting on the soaking wet ground refusing to move.

 

My son has no problem going out with his dad cause they are going in the car, with me though I ask him can we go out today and if I get told no then there is no point in forcing the issue I know it's a waste of time. It's amazing now with him being at nursery I have over 2 hours in the afternoon to go outside and do whatever the hell I want.

[Kathryn]

Paula,

 

<'> <'>

 

I understand your frustration. My daughter rarely left the house for nearly a year. I agree with you it's better not to force the issue if he doesn't want to go, it will only stress you both.

 

It sounds as though you really need a break yourself though. Have you asked his grandma if she will just stay in the house for an hour so you can go out for a coffee?

 

K x

[Hidden Gem]

I know it doen't help much but it is fairly common for people with A.S. to want to stay at home pursuing their obsessions.

 

 

 

How do you know that?

Edited December 21, 2005 by Hidden Gem

[ceecee]

I know that because my husband often moans at me for not wanting to go out more often prefering to do other things.So now I make more of an effort.Also many thing I have read state exactly that.I have read quite a lot of articles etc.I have mild aspergers so that is how i know because i know myself.

[Hidden Gem]

I know that because my husband often moans at me for not wanting to go out more often prefering to do other things.So now I make more of an effort.Also many thing I have read state exactly that.I have read quite a lot of articles etc.I have mild aspergers so that is how i know because i know myself.

 

So what obsessions do you pursue when you are indoors?

[ceecee]

I would kind of guess the computer!!

 

Just to add also when my daughter was ill a lady befriended me who had a son with Aspergers.His obsession was trains amongst other things and unless she said they would go to the railway station he refused to leave the house.All he wanted to do was stay in and look at his train books so she had to kind of feed the obsession to get him out of the house.

 

No I'm not as bad as this.

 

I believe this topic has been discussed before on the forum.

 

So all these things are why i know this.Hope this clears things up.Tried to pm you but it doesnt appear to be working.

[Lucas]

It's not always specific-interests keeping them in; the outside world is a constant assault that drains me. I can start crying even now if I'm outside for too long. Would you pull a goldfish out the tank just for fun?

 

Whenever I do go out, I always cover myself entirely like I'm inside a shell providing a barrier. It's a lot easier to internalise everything this way. I also don't go out for no reason, I always plan for something I'm bringing back and take the most tolerable route somewhere.

[rainbow queen]

my son is same

nowadays i can just about manage it only if i tell him we r going to one place then straight back real quick,if i side track or try to add other things in to do say pop into shop i hadnt said about

-then he starts crying and moaning and wineing till you have no choice but to head back home,he stands in street saying take me back home now,then starts hitting me ect,,,,,

it is like being a prisoner-now hes at school i do get some break,but as you say holidays u cant get away from it.

also noone else wants the burden -find it hard to get folk to look after him.

my younger son suffers too cause hes willing to do stuff and 4 year old holds him back aswell now

[lisa]

My daughter's like this too. She'd much rather stay in, but if truth be told, so would I!!! I have a lot of mild AS tendencies. She constantly asks when we're going home too. The idea of offering to buy her something doesn't work too well either. It can persuade her to go out but she'll go on and on about "when are we going to buy it" and "you said we could buy it and now you're not", she has no patience. She always wants to go to her shop first but as soon as she has her "bribe" she wants to go home and will go on and on until I feel so stressed I want to go home too!!!!

 

Lisa

[ceecee]

To explain a little more.

 

For example if I had to chose between staying at home or going to a party where I didn't know anyone(even if my husband was going with me)If it was my personal choice and I was entirely honest I would chose to stay at home but I make myself do it because I know it's not fair on my husband.So I go and make polite conversation but always glad when it's time to go home.

 

It worries me that i am not going to have anything to say or I might not understand what someone is saying or I might offend someone etc.It's easier not to go.Fortunately two children often provide the perfect excuse not to go!!!

 

However if I know everone there and it's a meal or something I actually almost look forward to going provided i don't think about it too much beforhand.

 

Oh the joys of A.S.

[KarenM]

I tottally identify with this. My dd is not attending school at the moment and I have felt like this for weeks. I tried to get her to go to the supermarket before and she barracaded herself in her room. I love getting out for a good luck round the shops so I AM SO FED UP.

Karen

[Hidden Gem]

To explain a little more.

 

For example if I had to chose between staying at home or going to a party where I didn't know anyone(even if my husband was going with me)If it was my personal choice and I was entirely honest I would chose to stay at home but I make myself do it because I know it's not fair on my husband.So I go and make polite conversation but always glad when it's time to go home.

 

It worries me that i am not going to have anything to say or I might not understand what someone is saying or I might offend someone etc.It's easier not to go.Fortunately two children often provide the perfect excuse not to go!!!

 

However if I know everone there and it's a meal or something I actually almost look forward to going provided i don't think about it too much beforhand.

 

Oh the joys of A.S.

 

I think you'll find that is a pyschological disorder called 'spocial anxiety' and not AS -

 

http://www.aboutphobias.com/social_phobia.html

 

This is quite an interesting article, from what you have said, in compariosn to say Lucas, yours does not seem to be an assault on the senses, more a pyschological barrier. As you will see fromt he article, it talks of emtional problems, which by your own admission you say you have (in the sense you do not always display them). You also talked about anxiety and panic attacks here, which ties in exactly. Still a very serious condition, life altering and perhaps crippling, but based upon what you said, more psychological and emotional, anyway hope this helps.

 

Also, what is the difference between an obsession and an interest. Just most of the great people in the world (those who have had influence, changed history, or inspired people for generations to come), the artists, the thinkers, the engineers, down to those who campaign tirelessly for a charity, they are obsessive, are they not?

 

So how are we defining obsession, just curious that is all.

Edited December 22, 2005 by Hidden Gem

[Lucas]

Just need to clarify something in case this turns heated,

 

Going out means that I have to tolerate a range of antagonists, sensory being only one of them but social antagonists happen too. They are all tolerated because I manage to exert a degree of control over them, simply knowing that I have control is usually all it takes. The more people there are who I have never met, the more people there are who's behaviour I can't predict and more possibilities of me getting distressed.

 

However,

 

Social phobia is not a part of Autism in anyway(though it's often claimed), but Autistics often do have social phobias. The cause is enviromental but the kind of enviroment that creates it is common wherever there is an Autistic. The enviroment tends to be made up of people who will ridicule or draw unwanted attention to a means used by an Autistic to cope with the sensory bombardment. It's quickly taken onboard that the social aversive creates a dilemma where the Autisic must choose to face sensory or social torture. What would totally screw up the AS/Autism dividing line is that some choose social antagonism(Kanners supposedly lack communication) and some choose sensory(Aspergers supposedly seem more self-conscious, hence social phobia because they can't communicate very well but try anyway).

 

I personally stim a lot before going to any social occassion as I know that I won't be allowed to relieve myself when I get there, so I will often refuse to go anywhere if it's at less than an hour's notice. I'm able to pass off as an eccentric but very able person for a few hours and I've solved the age-old problem of worrying about offending people by not worrying and getting the offense done up front so they storm off and I won't have to deal with them for the rest of the time. People who deal with me in person have looked at videos of me and commented on how different I seem when no one is looking at that moment. I'm quite still when talking to people and pull off all the right expressions, but as once they're gone I'm all over the place and because I always know when someone is coming(spider-sense) I''m back in character just before they arrive.

 

Social phobia can be present in anyone, what makes it different in Autistics is the reasons why it's there.

[Hidden Gem]

No heat, just curious!

 

Just trying to understand the line between those who, like yourself (for want of a better word) have a condition like As and those who have pyschological barriers, appreciateing, that as is often the case it is not a black and white situation.

 

For instance, when I was knocked down by a car at 14, it made me almost sick to cross a road afterwards, but it was a pyschological barrier that eventually I overcome.

 

If I was to be crude and basic about it, would seem that pyschological barriers can, in most cases be overcome, whereas As is the way you are born. From what you describe Lucas, it appears that you quite obviously, to yourself and others have AS.

 

I agree, i don't think you can have mild AS, but it could be easier to self diagnose with a confdition, then face your own pyschological demons, who knows?

 

I know very little, i am merely wading through this information.

[ceecee]

I have no wish to get caught up in any discussion over what I have or haven't got or what Lucas might have.

I would say if I had some kind of social phobia then I would not go out at all which is not the case.I also have slight problems with emotions and comunication which would lead me to suspect i have A.S> tendancies and not anything else.I also have o.c.d. which very often runs alongside A.S.

 

As for what is an obsession and what is an interest there is a difference.i think I know the difference.I believe this has been discussed on here before.Maybe it would be a good idea to start a new thread on it rather than it get caught up in this one.

 

Hidden Gem and Lucas I'll leave you to it.The stage is all yours

[call me jaded]

There is a self-assessment thing online at the Autism Research Centre site which uses going to parties as one or two of its questions. It's a very small part of the overall picture.

 

I, too, get cabin fever. My son does tolerate the park pretty well. If you see a woman with four kids, two bikes, a scooter and a doll's pram, that'll be me.

[mossgrove]

I think you'll find that is a pyschological disorder called 'spocial anxiety' and not AS -

 

http://www.aboutphobias.com/social_phobia.html

 

This is quite an interesting article, from what you have said, in compariosn to say Lucas, yours does not seem to be an assault on the senses, more a pyschological barrier. As you will see fromt he article, it talks of emtional problems, which by your own admission you say you have (in the sense you do not always display them). You also talked about anxiety and panic attacks here, which ties in exactly. Still a very serious condition, life altering and perhaps crippling, but based upon what you said, more psychological and emotional, anyway hope this helps.

 

Also, what is the difference between an obsession and an interest. Just most of the great people in the world (those who have had influence, changed history, or inspired people for generations to come), the artists, the thinkers, the engineers, down to those who campaign tirelessly for a charity, they are obsessive, are they not?

 

So how are we defining obsession, just curious that is all.

 

 

I am not sure if you are using this form to prove to yourself that your sister does not have AS or following up a genuine interest, but here goes...

 

Interest is a far narrower term than obsession. You are correct that large numbers of people wothout AS have very strong interests, and it is also true that not everyone on the spectrum has obsessions.

 

Obessions in an Autistic sense are characterised by an all-consuming interest to the point where the person finds it hard to focus on anything that dpesn not relate to their obsessions. It is typically accompanied by a theory of mind deficit where, for example, a child will be unable to understand/assimilate the fact that the people around them might not be as interested in the subject as they are. This could manifest itself as someone taking in an extreme level of detail about the locomotive types in use on a train line to a complete stranger on the train with a disregard for the fact that the passenger might not want to engage in conversation at all, let alone discuss locomotives for half an hour.

 

It is generally thought that obsessions often follow from an iniability to control the outside environemnt, control is to some extent re-established by becoming very involved in a narrow interest in which the person can become immersed and develop a strong expertise.

 

A friends son has a Beatles obsession. It goes way beyond normal fandom, he can tell you the inside leg measurements and shoe size of each Beatle and tell you which page of which book/magazine he got the information from. He will happily share this information woth anyone, regardless of ther level of interest.

 

I would be careful in making judgements on this forum about what people may pr may not have. It is very easy for people who are not close to Autism/Aspergers on a daily basis to dismiss issues that arise as aspects of everyday life and responses to events given a label. I understand where you are coming from with regards to your sister, but this thread is not the place to conduct that argument, I suggest you conduct that debate via PM.

 

You are running the risk of upsetting many people for who autism is tangible and very real. Please be very careful with how you put your remarks forward.

 

Simon

Edited December 22, 2005 by mossgrove

[ceecee]

Mossgrove

 

Thanks for explaining so well the difference between an obsession and an interest.i would never have been able to put it so clearly.

 

I don't think although I am not entirely sure that I personally have any obsessions but i could have and not realise.I think mine are more interests.I certainly wouldn't start talking about them if they had no relevance to the conversation.

 

Ionly hope that hidden Gem's interest in wether I have A.S. is because of genuine love and care

Edited December 22, 2005 by ceecee

[Hidden Gem]

I appologise for playing,

 

I certainly do not devalue autism, whether it be personal or professional.

 

Love and Care? Well huge amounts of anger and hurt, but as rightly pointed out, not the palce for it here.

 

I do have a genuine interest, but I do not really have anything worthwhile to contribute to this forum, becuase I do not have a spectrum disorder and in turn, no experience to share and ease the isolation that those who do, most likely, feel.

 

I don't think it matters if you have personality disorder/autism/spectrum disorders/persanlity disorder, or the muddy grey that occurs between these.

 

Each places people in a today's society in an increasinagly isolated, painful and soul destroying situation, particualr as wider soicety expects all of us to confirm more and more, the pressure is ever increaseing and the word different now has a negative meaning. My heart goes out to anyone who struggles in life, which is why in a professional capacity I have tried to put something back, learning, knowlege and just life experience is and invaluable gift and deserves to be shared.

 

I bow, and go back to the sidelines.

 

James

Edited December 22, 2005 by Hidden Gem

[lisa]

Ceecee

 

I'm quite interested in what you said about not wanting to go out to a party or social gathering but forcing yourself. I'm exactly the same. My partner plays golf and when we first met we used to go out to the golf club and with his golfing friends all the time. I've always forced myself to go for his sake. I spend the whole time trying to think of something to say or reminding myself not to keep talking about the same things, I don't really listen to what people say because I'm too busy trying to think of a reply. I'm also very conscious that I have bad eye contact and have to remind myself to look at people. When I'm having a conversation it always seems to revert back to me, I am interested in other people but I find it very hard not to monopolize the conversation, it takes a lot of effort and I constantly have to remind myself to ask "polite" questions of the other person. I just find the whole thing hard work. We've been together nearly 20 years and most the time now I find an excuse not to go, I can't be bothered anymore. I do go to some things with him but I don't really relax. I feel happier with friends coming over to my house for dinner, I'm happier and more confident in my own environment. I think most of my friends if they read this would be suprised I feel this way. I'm a bit of a chatterbox and talk to everyone, I can't help it, I think I over compensate and end up getting verbal diahorria (I've spelt that wrong haven't I!). I have loads of friends who I've known for years and meet up with a lot. I still feel awkward and "different" though, but perhaps everyone feels like this and it's quite normal. I'm not AS, but as I've said before, I do have a lot of tendencies, eg. obsessive, co-ordination problems, sensory stuff, love of routines, eye contact, taking things literally etc. but not to the extent my children do. Perhaps I have got it and have learned over the years how to cope. If you listen to my mum she insists I was exactly like my youngest AS daughter growing up. I hated anything new and I'd stand rigid and have tandrums whenever she tried to put new clothes on me. When she'd managed to get me to wear them by wrestling me to the ground to get them on, the next time I'd be fine and wear them without a fuss.

 

Lisa

 

Lisa

[ceecee]

Lisa

 

What a lovely post.You sound like a genuinally nice person.I too am a real chatterbox.I talk really fast and all my life I have been told to 'slow down or pause for breath'.I am guilty of quizzing people to death to find out every detail so it can be stored in my memory bank!I have a fantastic memory for detail.

 

I know this sounds odd but people seem to quite like me what I mean is they always want to be my friend more than I want to be theirs.I know that sounds horrible and I love chatting to mums at the school or at my daughter's dancing etc.In fact you can't shut me up!!But that is enough for me.I hate social gatherings but like you I do go but i can't always think of something to say, then I don't always understand the joke and take what people are saying literally.Then I worry because i don't always realise what is offensive and what is not I worry i may have upset someone.

 

I am lucky in that I have no problems with eye contact I don't have short term memory problems and I don't have any obsessions as such.i would suspect I have either mild A.S. or A.S. tendancies.I also have ocd which is known to run alongside a.S.

 

I also find it a job to follow conversations when more than one person is speaking at once, I kind of miss bits.i can't process it all in.Apparently I'm really repeatative as well(another sign of A>S>)The other night my husband complained I'd said the same thing five times We've learnt to laugh about it.

 

I also have a job knowing when to talk within a conversation so I often end up talking over the top of people.

My husband also says I have a problem with displaying emotion.Apparently i am either over emotional at times or completely unemotional when you would expect i would show emotion.

 

I have re read this post and I have had to see the funny side.I bet everyone's thinking poor husband get out of there quick!!!

 

I have to say luckily my husband tells me he loves me for me and wouldn't want me to be any different.I too have been accused of havinf verbal diohorrea(I've spelt it wrong as well!)I also love routine.

 

Have you spoke to your husband about what you suspect?Would he be supportive.?

 

I believe a.s. is very hereditary from things I have read on here.I am lucky my two children are not on the spectrum but my daughter suffered from autistic encephalitus after her mmr booster fortunately after 6 months she recovered.

 

 

I must admit you do sound quite like me.Perhaps you may have A.S. tendancies.

 

 

All I can say is you sound like a friendly genuinally nice person.

 

Best Wishes

 

Ceecee

[Paula]

Thankyou for youre replies. I kinda knew i wouldnt be alone in this.

 

My son doesnt like going out because he dosent like crowds.So normally if we go to the shops we hit them at opening when there empty he can cope with that.He hates too much noise also and will often cover his ears up.He also likes to know exactly what were going to do and which shops were going into.If i deviate from the plan then he gets upset and like many of the posters on here he starts chanting when are we going home.

 

 

His grandmas a paine.And not very understanding.My son picks up on this and 9 times outta 10 hell refuse to go with her.

 

I did manage to go to the supermarket today alone.I left him in the house with his older sister taking care of him.I was gone an hour.And it wasnt much fun.

 

You cant force the issue ive learnt through bitter experiance it causes him too much distress and then i get all upset.

 

Hell be back at school soon.You learn to cope and adjust dont yer we have to because its easier for me to adjust than him.

 

I love the little terror and he cant help how he is.

[lisa]

Ceecee

 

 

Thank you. <'> I must admit, we do seem a bit alike apart from I have a terrible short term memory!! I think you have to just get on and laugh about it. I'm renouned for my sieve like memory. A few friends came for New Year last year and they'd bought me a wall planner as a joke and stuck it on my wall complete with pen!!! You're practically guaranteed if I say I have to be somewhere (party or something) on Sunday at 3pm, it'll be on on Saturday at 4pm!!

 

My partner is probably more AS like than me, he's very, very eccentric!! Despite all of my last post, I'm very happy with my life, I've got a lot of friends, I'm lucky in that my partner has a good job and we can live quite comfortably without me working which makes a big difference. I can stay in all day if I want so get a lot of time for myself doing what I want to do which reduces a lot of stress!! We have a cleaner who also does all my washing and ironing so I don't even have to do that. A few of my friends call me "Riley", as in "life of...." but it's all in jest.

 

I'm going to make a real big confession now, I don't often use the emoticons because I have trouble deciding which one I should use. I have to put one in to see what the word says before I use it.

 

Lisa

[mossgrove]

I'm going to make a real big confession now, I don't often use the emoticons because I have trouble deciding which one I should use. I have to put one in to see what the word says before I use it.

 

Lisa

 

You're not the only one, I just stick to the ones where I know what they are for!

[ceecee]

Lisa

 

A poor short term memory is a characteristic of A.S. from what I read on the forum.

 

 

I don't understand the emotions either.I have to read what they are as well.I would guess this is to do with my A.S.

I'm glad i'm not the only one.Thanks for your confessions mossgrove and Lisa.Merry Christmas to you both.