Over affectionate?

[Viper]

Hi,

 

I know a lot of our kids do not like affection but i have the opposite problem. Ben has become too affectionate. He constantly wants to kiss me and his eldest sister. He will ask for kisses all the time, grabs my hand and kisses it etc. The other day I was changing my top and when I lifted it up to remove it he kissed my belly. He also asks for hugs a hundred times a day and follows me around giving me soppy I love you looks.

 

It might sound nice but it is really wearing and it feels a bit creepy. Both myself and my daughter feel like we are being stalked, he is always there with his soppy look that is just soooo over the top. Put it this way, if he did this to people outside the family there would be complaints, i.e from other parents.

 

It's not a sexual thing it's simply his way of showing affection. I wonder if it has something to do with his missunderstanding of social etiquette, like he has discovered people like affection and is now over using it. Or his lack of understanding of personal space.

 

What do you guys think and do you have any experience of this?

 

Viper.

[lindy-lou]

my nephew used to be exactly the same and it did extend to the general public and kids at school too,weve had to do alot of explaining that people are not comfortable with these displays of affection,especially as dan drools alot(big wet sloppy kisses)he is now 13 and has grown out of it,he still gets very attached to certain people but thankfully the hugging,kissing and patting people seem to have stopped

[Jadensmum]

Hi Viper,

 

3 months ago, Jaden (3) wouldn't tolerate anyone touching him and he would not touch or kiss anyone or instigate any showing of affection at all.

 

Now? He will go up to anyone, fling his arms around them, go to kiss them or stick his tongue in their mouth (lovely ) and he is quite rough with it too. However, he will now snuggle up to me on the sofa and let me cuddle him - so I'm happy

 

I think in a couple of years it will probably become a problem with other people. he has very little understanding anyway at the moment.

 

For me it was really weirs how he went from one extreme to the other

 

Denisex

[Elanor]

Sounds like slightly inappropriate social interaction - ie missing the subtleties in body language that other children might find comes more naturally. My son, who is 11, kisses me on the lips (which I find uncomfortable - I tend to turn my head, so that he catches my cheek, which seems ok with him). He also doesn't respect my personal space very much.

 

My son's behaviour is much more understandable if I think of him as having a much younger emotional age -perhaps 7 or 8. I do think it is a matter of delay in development, rather than a permanent thing.

[Pippin]

I must admit to a sense of relief at this posting as so many people have said "he cant be autistic...he's too affectionate". They dont see my son throwing his arms around the Tesco delivery man who he's never met before, or hugging other total strangers. its also good to hear some of you saying it does pass as they get older, and to look at it as part of his general immaturity. Finding this site is constantly reassuring me that Autism has many faces and that a child who doesn't fit the accepted pattern is just as much a part of the community as any other....thankyou all.

[shintyboy]

I understood this to be very common in AS kids.I personally have gone through exactly the same thing and my 11yr old is similar.We can't go anywhere without him holding my hand.Although I am very conscious of this,as he is getting pretty tall now,I understand why he has to do it and will do it as long as he needs to.It's a comfort thing as well,and I suppose it reassures him when we are outside.You are right when you said that it does disappear,because remember it is a delay in emotional development. [just hope he stops before he starts shaving,though!]

[Guest flutter]

well at any time we can either be beaten heavily or hugged ove r the top

so i would say yes lol

do we need to teach them about space, they dont like thiers invaded, so maybe we need to teach them that we are same?

[kirstie]

Flutter you are so right, they do need to be taught about our personal space because it just doesn't come natuarally to them. Lewis can be a little over the top too, bless him, but it's nothing too uncomfortable at the moment. |I just tell him if he gets in my face (or anyone elses) to back off a bit and he does this ok. He also has a social story at School that he is only allowed to sit next to the little girl (the only one) in his class on a Monday and she can sit next to the other children on the other days. He was getting a little to fixed on her and a bit possesive if anyone sat next to her. He used to be much worse at Nursery but he seems to be understanding more as time goes on.

Take care

Kirstie.

[Mother in Need]

My AS son of 12 is constantly asking for hugs and kisses, cuddles and 'fleeces with love sewn into it'. He will try to do the same to his brothers who absolutely hate this and can't get far enough away from him. He will also hold my hand most of the time, and needs constant reassurance that all is fine. I guess he feels incredibly insecure and by being reassured that we all still love him he feels a little better. He does not do this with anyone else, he won't let his (estranged)father anywhere near, and a general good friend of the family whom he has known for over a year now, still Cannot physically touch him.

[kerrybobs]

Hiya,

 

Robyn my daughter was exactly the same. She would hug anyone I said Hello to and tell them she loved them. She once had the window cleaner by the leg telling him she loved him all the money in the world. The window cleaner was shouting for me to get her off him as he was climbing a fence at the time. LOL.

 

She has a learning mentor in school and she has been trying to teach Robyn boundaries. She gave us homework to do with her. It was a number of circles inside one another and Robyn was in the middle. Each circle represented mum & dad, brothers & sisters, nana & grandad, Aunties & uncles leading down to friends, neighbours and strangers etc. I hope this is clear. We then had to go down each circle telling her which behaviour was appropriate. ie: mum & dad = kisses & cuddles friends = hugs etc. It seems to have worked, she does sometimes forget but it has calmed down a lot.

 

I hope this is of help to you.

 

Kerry

[mossgrove]

When you think about it, the social rules about when it is or isn't appropriate to hug someone can be quite complex. Hugging Mummy at home might be fine for an older child, but running up to hug her while she is in converation with the headmaster about an incident at school might not be. If mummy has rampant toothache or is irritable she might not be in the mood for a hug . Hugging younger siblimgs might be OK, but teenage siblings might not welcome it. Hugging some family friends may be OK, but not others. How do you tell if someone is just visiting or is a family friend anyway? What are the cues?

 

On the whole most children master the complexities of this pretty well,but as others have said children with Autism will often miss the subtleties of the situation which leads to behaviour that appears inappropriate.

 

Simon

[Brook]

Hi Viper,

 

My son went through a stage of wanting to kiss me and cuddle me, he would keep saying 'I love ya mamma' about every two minutes. He also would cuddle my mum, but not anyone else.

He would put his head in my lap and felt like he was glued to me.

I think he grasped that I would kiss and cuddle him, but he took it to extremes and didn't know where the

line was drawn.

Although I have to say, it is the most wonderful thing when they cuddle you and show affection, but as others

have said it is about finding the balance about invading space, also the appropriate situations.

 

He will still cuddle me, but it is normally just a quick throw his arms around me, and then he's off doing something else.

 

I must say though, that it really just did seem to be a phase and he is now grasping the balance, but I do know what you mean about feeling uncomfortable when it gets too much.

 

Brook

[elaine1]

mm know what u mean, thers a subtle line between enough and too much. hopefully he will read the signals a bit better soon

[LizK]

I must admit to a sense of relief at this posting as so many people have said "he cant be autistic...he's too affectionate".

 

Glad someone else gets that too. My four year old can be very affectionate and in the right circumstances can be quite social too. It's a common mistake to autistic people are emotional icebergs or incapable of showing emotions. Isn't it more of a problem with emotional regulation so can either over familiar or under familiar? My son demonstrates both but veers towards the over familiar, socially inappropriate behaviour (groping women's chests or fiddling with the bottom of their blouses is his latest one) and he really has little idea of personal space too. I wouldn't say he is a cuddly child, he will give lots of kisses and hugs but never hangs around for more than 10 secs beofre dashing off. I think he finds close prolonged physical contact uncomfortable. He often prefers me to hold his finger rather than his whole hand when we are out.

 

Lx

[LizC]

Hi my son is the same. He seemed to go for ages not understanding cuddles/affection etc and wanted me make a smile on my face by using his hands to show I was happy, not he goes through phases of lots of hugs and kisses and goes out of his way all the time to say I love you.

 

I was told that wiht AS children, they strife to be 'normal' as it were and copy what others do and this explains the extreematy. the pyschiatrist we saw said that sometimes AS children go off in their own little world then come back and suddenly appear like any other child... I guess this is somethign they will do throughout their lives!

[Gordie]

I'm a strange case when it comes to this.

 

I can be a little over-affectionate towards my close female friends sometimes ... but if anything, I'm "under-affectionate" towards members of my own family. I don't have much of an idea as to why this is the case, but I've noticed this for many years now - I've always been this way.

 

The thing with me though is that I'm not publicly affectionate with my friends - I know when to keep it in check. But I always have a huge urge to hug (or even snuggle) and kiss my close female friends when I'm around them. Perhaps it's because I'm single and lacking that partner figure in my life, and maybe I would have less of an urge if I had a girlfriend.

 

But for now, there's nothing I like more than a good hug/snuggle with someone I care about, who I know cares about me too. It's great.

 

When it comes to family though, I can't stand it. It's bizarre. I don't like hugs or kisses from my mum (or any relative, for that matter), and even when she tries, I rarely reciprocate. She's used to it now, and just gets on with it anyway. I never say "I love you" to her, even when she says it to me. Goodness knows what's behind it.

 

James

[UltraMum]

She has a learning mentor in school and she has been trying to teach Robyn boundaries. She gave us homework to do with her. It was a number of circles inside one another and Robyn was in the middle. Each circle represented mum & dad, brothers & sisters, nana & grandad, Aunties & uncles leading down to friends, neighbours and strangers etc. I hope this is clear. We then had to go down each circle telling her which behaviour was appropriate. ie: mum & dad = kisses & cuddles friends = hugs etc.

 

I was going to suggest this - I worked with a lad whose way of greeting staff in school was to kiss their bottoms as they walked by! The circle idea worked - aided by rewards of time on the computer everytime he greeted someone correctly.

 

Mind you - he recently went up to his LSA - lifted her top and said "I see flab" - leaving her speechless! Cue for a diet!

Edited January 10, 2006 by MotherEve

[Paula]

Reading this post has been a great releif for me as i thought it was onley my As son who displayed this type of behaviour and i darent post about it because i thought people might think it was weird.

 

 

My son is 12 and hes constantly saying i love you mum but gives me a creepy look at times.He drives his siter mad because hes picked up on the word sexy and uses it when he compliments her on whats shes wearing.Hes trying to be nice but she calls him a pervert.

 

Like peole say in the home you just accept it but outside the home youre wondering what people think.Weve tried to say we dont do that or we dont kiss daddy on the lips ect ect .

 

After spending years just wishing hed touch my hand youre kinda not wanting to set things back to no contact againe but youre worried itll cause trouble in the real world.

 

I hope he grows outta it.Maybe next time he has a school review i will mention it and see if they can talk about inapropriate behaviour and social bounderies.He tends to listen more to the teachers.

[raelien]

My son also suffers from this problem -

 

He is over afectionate towards everyone - he always tells us he loves us and I have to give him hugs and affection all day.... I feel with colin its a way of always getting my attention - as well as for reassurance, He doesnt understand personal space - despite may years of trying to explain - one day it will click into place I hope - he working so hard on verbal communication at the moment that io dont want to push him to hard

[Jill]

I was going to suggest this - I worked with a lad whose way of greeting staff in school was to kiss their bottoms as they walked by!

 

 

PMSL at this

 

The Boy has got a thing about ladies bums too - not mens, just ladies - he likes to stroke them. He can get away with it at the moment cos he's only 4.

 

This is MOSTLY ok but I have had some funny looks in the queue at the Co-op!

 

Hubby's a bit embarrassed to take him anywhere tho & makes sure he is stood well back from any temptation so he doesn't get the blame!!

[UltraMum]

PMSL at this

 

The Boy has got a thing about ladies bums too - not mens, just ladies - he likes to stroke them. He can get away with it at the moment cos he's only 4.

 

This is MOSTLY ok but I have had some funny looks in the queue at the Co-op!

 

Hubby's a bit embarrassed to take him anywhere tho & makes sure he is stood well back from any temptation so he doesn't get the blame!!

 

I PMSL at your tale as well

 

Sometimes you have to laugh - it hurts less than banging your head on the wall!