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Kathryn

Dinner party from Hell

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Last night I went to a post Christmas social gathering which I'd been looking forward to and came home feeling really fed up.

 

There are 7 of us and we are part of a drama group who has met regularly for several years. I like all the people in the group and enjoy what we do. Between us we have 21 children, nearly all teenagers/young adults and we all live fairly near one another.

 

The ENTIRE conversation for the whole evening consisted of everyone comparing notes about their NT offspring. So I sat and nodded and smiled and heard about John's GCSE options; Thomas dilemma over which of his 5 A levels to drop (the trauma!); which university Jane's going to; James's gap year plans; how tough Fiona's finding it to fit in a social life and all her extra curricular activities etc etc.... How could I join in when L's biggest recent achievements have been going out for a meal, getting up and dressed in time for college and writing a birthday card? :wacko:

 

What makes it worse is that when L was having a convincing stab at being "normal" up until two years ago, I DID used to join in these conversations. L used to be very good friends with two of the girls, and now to hear their parents talk about how they're going to the cinema this weekend, having sleepovers etc. knowing that my daughter might be doing these things too is unexpectedly painful. :tearful: It hits me again how my life has diverged from theirs and I start feeling really isolated and wishing I could be just an ordinary parent like them and share the same preoccupations.

 

I'm not looking to live entirely in an ASD dominated world - I do like mixing with all kinds of people and talking about all kinds of things but recently I have found this particular group to have a depressive effect on me. It's not their fault - people are bound to talk about the things they have in common. But I think I'm going to have to take the radical step of not meeting with them socially any more - self preservation!

 

Does anyone else ever have experiences like this?

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Kathryn, >:D<<'>

 

yep, I can relate to this too, not just the friends thing, but every now and again a realisation hits

you smack in the pit of your stomach. :tearful:

 

But if you really sit back and listen to people like that, you'll soon see that they are not really talking

about their kids at all, what they are really doing is trying to go one better than the next one, you

know the keeping up with the Jones' and all that. :wacko:

 

Take care

 

Brook

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Yes. Not sure if I have two or one asd kids at the moment but I do find it easier to mix with asd aware parents. We used to have a v active social life! I dont miss it but am aware that it must have impacted on both our careers. Have been to many social days out with the family in the past where it was hell.Cant do it now.

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I do, everyday,

I am chair of our local playgroup and have been heavily involved since my youngest went there ( before then I went with elder two and drank the coffee and bought my raffle tickets, period. )

So 3 years later I am listening to stories from mums who come along with their younger children and have to listen to stories of how well my son's peers are doing in school, can read and write,swim, ride a bike etc.,

It must be so much harder for you Kathryn, but what can do you do ?

Do you want to cut yourself off from these people ? or can you rise above them all and think about how much your daughter has achieved in the last year ?

Because the progress she has made is IMO far greater than passing a few exams (that can be done at any stage in life )

I suppose I feel like I have entered a totally different world through asd (lots of positives) and have given up on the NT world apart from playgroup (but lots of similarities there anyway :wacko: )

Does the NT world seem a much harsher place these days ? It does to me :(

A final thought, don't these people think about your feelings/experiences ? Or are they embarrassed to mention/ask about your daughter ? I am guilty of this sometimes when I don't know what to say to someone.

At least you know you're not alone on here,

 

wac

Edited by waccoe

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Thanks all. >:D<<'>

 

Waccoe - we are really proud of the progress L has made recently and we are enjoying seeing her real personality emerge. Not to mention all the wonderful people on this forum whom I would never have met if things has been different. When something good happens I come to the forum first to tell people because I know everyone here can really appreciate what it means. Its just that every so often, like last night my nose is rubbed in this NT world and I can't escape! - I'm sure you know the feeling.

 

The people in the group have all been very supportive individually and would probably be horrified if they knew I felt like this. I don't want to put a dampener on everything by reminding them all the time what our life is like!

 

So I'll continue to see them individually and as a group as and when we're atively working on something, but I think I'll avoid the socials!. It's funny, I don't feel like this when I'm with the parents of my younger NT son's friends - I suppose because very few of them have teenagers.

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Kathryn >:D<<'> I so know how you feel but I am experiencing this sort of behaviour with parents of children in my daughters age group 8-9. They talk continually about the awards they've got in drama, swimming, musical instruments etc. :blink: I have 2 older NT children who have achieved many things but I hope to god I've never stood in a group and bragged about it. (actually I did come on here once and say how delighted I was that son had passed some gcses because he wasn't expected to :P )As you say you enjoy socialising with all types of people but sometimes it hits you hard doesn't it

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My sisters tw kids are only 2 and 6 and yet they seem more advanced than our AS son.Whenever ive to spend time with them i come away feeling awfull.

 

But listen youre sons acheivments are just as brilliant so talk about them and be proud as i know you will be.

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Kathryn

 

I'll let you into a secret - I'm jealous of you and L and how far you've come over the year. Your massive achievements are an example to us all.

 

I think, sometimes, that people avoid asking about us in the same way they avoid talking to a person who has been bereaved. It's like they're scared to mention it because 1) they just don't know how to begin to tackle it and 2) they're somehow afraid of upsetting us.

 

Unfortunately, this doesn't stop them from going on about their own children's achievements or miniscule problems.

 

Gosh, I sound very hard!

 

Barefoot

Edited by barefoot wend

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Kathryn

 

I get this from parents of my n.t. daughter who is 9.They all brag about what reading level they are on what dancing grade they are on etc etc.I don't join in.It makes me feel rather uncomfortable.I've seen the other side of the coin with my daughter who was so severely ill with autistic encephalitus she couldnt do a thing.I feel it's kind of tempting fate.

 

These same parents hover round the classroom door every day to hear our well little johnny is doing.They asked yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.I often genuinally need to see the teacher as my daughter struggles and I cant get near nor by.

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> to you Kathryn.I must admit i feel your daughter has come on along way. :thumbs::thumbs:

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Last night I went to a post Christmas social gathering which I'd been looking forward to and came home feeling really fed up.

 

There are 7 of us and we are part of a drama group who has met regularly for several years. I like all the people in the group and enjoy what we do. Between us we have 21 children, nearly all teenagers/young adults and we all live fairly near one another.

 

The ENTIRE conversation for the whole evening consisted of everyone comparing notes about their NT offspring. So I sat and nodded and smiled and heard about John's GCSE options; Thomas dilemma over which of his 5 A levels to drop (the trauma!); which university Jane's going to; James's gap year plans; how tough Fiona's finding it to fit in a social life and all her extra curricular activities etc etc.... How could I join in when L's biggest recent achievements have been going out for a meal, getting up and dressed in time for college and writing a birthday card? :wacko:

 

What makes it worse is that when L was having a convincing stab at being "normal" up until two years ago, I DID used to join in these conversations. L used to be very good friends with two of the girls, and now to hear their parents talk about how they're going to the cinema this weekend, having sleepovers etc. knowing that my daughter might be doing these things too is unexpectedly painful. :tearful: It hits me again how my life has diverged from theirs and I start feeling really isolated and wishing I could be just an ordinary parent like them and share the same preoccupations.

 

I'm not looking to live entirely in an ASD dominated world - I do like mixing with all kinds of people and talking about all kinds of things but recently I have found this particular group to have a depressive effect on me. It's not their fault - people are bound to talk about the things they have in common. But I think I'm going to have to take the radical step of not meeting with them socially any more - self preservation!

 

Does anyone else ever have experiences like this?

#

 

 

All the time usually ! I'd be there taking in all the latest on their kids, and then I would say my son who is autistic.... and a deathly silence would ensue, followed by the nervous coughing and then followed by a rapid change of subject, or some annoying person would pat me on the arm, which is the worst.

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I think this feeling is common. Yes, even though I myself am neuro diverse, I still wish I could join in with the banter of common children chatter.. I would be happy to get out for a dinner party tho so I would take it all with a pinch of salt. In the same way as if you go out with friends who work in a different job and talk shop all night. Nod politely while making internal jokes about them to yourself. :rolleyes: But seriously, when other parents begin about their typical kids they might as well be talking in a foreign language at me. Their children are having a sleepover, spending the weekend with their friends, then going bowling with their friends dad and then to the park on their bikes. They are in afterschool football club, off to karate and around each others houses. Doing normal things. It sounds so simple, but its not our reality. I can't compete or compare so I say very little, and speak economically of comparable truths. Like, my son loves computers, or science or it's hard to buy clothes for a tall, thin, 8 year old .. :rolleyes: If I say what it's really like for us :devil: people often say, oh, all kids do that.. they are all like that- mine does that... but I don't think we are comparing like for like. :blink: Alternatively people will either offer advice how to fix it, because their children wouldn't be allowed to behave (autistically), they just wouldn't tolerate it.. I should put my foot down :wacko: or they just show pity and relief its not them. So I prefer to hand pick who I talk to about my son and save the rest for this forum. :D

 

On the other hand, I have a friend whose child is lower functioning than mine and I feel very uncomfortable talking to her about my sons achievemnts (my problem not hers) because of my own hang ups? I feel bad because my child looks NT next to hers. I will catch myself having a moan about something and think how petty it seems compared to her situation and I feel awkward. So it must be like how the NT mums feel around me?

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Kathryn >:D<<'> ,

 

I think it's all been said. Most of us feel the same as you. But at the same time L's achievements have been massive. Don't forget that speech she gave, that would phase many NTs.

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Does the NT world seem a much harsher place these days ? It does to me :(

 

Think that hits the nail on the head - there may be more knowledge about autism out there but I think the tolerance level has gone the opposite way ... :(

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I've sat and read this thread & picked something up from every post that's made me think "oh yes, I've experienced that" or "that's so true."

 

That's why I like forums like this. It makes me feel like I am part of a "normal" family - I don't mean that in an offensive way, what I mean is that my family is "normal" as far as this forum is concerned (hope that makes sense).

 

This forum also helps me to cope when I am feeling like you did Kathryn. I hope it's helped you to feel better too.

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I feel this way too - and think I'm going to have to face it this weekend too. We're going 4 hours drive to visit friends we've known for 20 years, but hardly see now due to the distance. They have really active social lives, have lots of fun, just one (NT) child who doesn't seem to alter their lifestyle much. Also, whilst our son;s problems have made me and DH drop our careers, they've been forging ahead.

 

Will we have anything to say to each other? When we talk about our son, it's like raining on their parade - you know, 'our son's got lots of freinds, does loads of activiites, is happy and likeable', to which I have to say' mine's got one friend, hardly ever does anything, and is medicated to control his stress and aggression'. Guess I'll probably not mention it! Just enjoy the wine!!! :cheers:

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I'll let you into a secret - I'm jealous of you and L and how far you've come over the year. Your massive achievements are an example to us all.

 

Barefoot,

 

>:D<<'> I'll let you into a secret too, I often envy others on here who appear to be further ahead than us in all sorts of ways...

 

Reading back over this thread I feel like a crabby old ratbag. :huh: I really don't begrudge other people sharing their children's achievements: I like to talk about mine too. It's one of the perks of being a parent. I can cope with the odd conversation, it's just difficult when the subject is shoved down your throat for THREE SOLID HOURS!!

 

MotherEve you may be right about the NT world. I don't know what others' experiences are but I feel we live in a very "high achieving" town where there is a lot of pressure on children to perform and there doesn't appear to be much room for those who fall by the wayside.

 

Tez - thankyou for reminding me about the speech. :) (By the way, she and the other students got book tokens as a thank you for their efforts, great positive reinforcement!).

 

Jill - Know what you mean. I came to this forum when I was desperate and feeling pretty confused about what was normal and what was not - I soon realised I was not alone! I don't know how i would have coped without it.

 

Elanor, >:D<<'> definitely enjoy the wine and keep bringing the conversation round to Big Brother or whatever else steers them away from the topic of children! :ph34r:

 

K x

Edited by Kathryn

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Hope the food was good. The conversation sounds lousy...

Now, a teenager overcoming all sorts of personal obstacles to achieve huge milestones like meals out and speech days and stuff... That's MY kind of conversation...

 

You're in the biography section of the local Library: What's your choice "Nobody Nowhere" or "How i passed 5 a levels and got a job with ICI" ;)

No brainer, is it hen >:D<<'>

L&P

BD :D

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For the first time in 22 years I am not having any part in the Annual Panto held in our CA. I did write this years but the group decided that they would just rehash and old Panto. Why? Well I believe it is because when it is my turn David and Matthew usually come with me, some of the time, to help out. Neither are disruptive but if the casts children are running around then Matthew will join in, and it does often lead to a melt down. Now all that is needed is that these lovely people ask their lovely children to sit down for a short time, but it is easier for them to point the finger in Matthew's direction. I do have real good hearing.

 

I have been very hurt by all of this although it has been coming for a few years now. It is clearly explained to me what is expected from Matthew and it is also clearly explained to me that all children have to be treat the same. :( These people have been my 'friends' for over quarter of a century. This has not only hurt me but also my eldest who has been in every Panto every performed in the CA and who also decided that this year it was not for him, as did Terry :(

 

I think that the lose will be theirs as my eldest has long been the star of every show and I do intend to go and see the show, it's running next week, just to see what it is like without him :P I know I know now I sound like a not very nice person but so WHAT :devil: But hey he has been stopped on many ocassions and asked for his autograph - even while he was working :oops:

 

I find life much easier with my friends who have ASD children because I have long said that you have to live with it to understand it.

 

Kathryn your daughter had been inspirational and how many of your friends will have children who ever have to overcome the hurdles in life that L has? I know that when David was diagnosed aged 13 there were people who asked how come he had been 'normal' until then :angry:

 

>:D<<'> Carole

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Guest flutter

oh Kathryn >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

we live in a differnt life from them, it all a bit like when you first have babies, and peeps compare everything. i had to leave them cos my NT son soo didn't conform then.

We need our space, but not at the expence of feleing we are raising aliens,

maybe if you mention to one how it upset you it will get round the group?

sorry not got many brain cells have enough for ((huge hugs))

c }i{ xxx

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Hi Kathyryn,

 

You are NOT a crabby old ratbag >:D<<'>

 

I think you did well to sit through the meal. I would have copped out and made an excuse to leave.

 

When my colleagues bang on about how wonderfully their children are doing, i just switch off. Also, i do excuse them because it's not meant to offend, they just have no idea of what it is like for us.

 

I'm so proud of Kai for even GOING to school, i don't care what reading level he's on or whether he goes to after school clubs or not.

 

Our kids achievements are HUGE, no matter how they may seem to the outside world.

 

Loulou x

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This is a tough thread cos I relate so well to it.I have had an invite sent to me from an old school friend to a do at her house.All I can think about is trying to find a good enough excuse not to go..........for the exact same reasons you had a horrid time at the dinner party :crying: .What usually happens though is we sit round and chat about the kids, they,ll all talk about theirs then look to me and ask about mine, I try to convey what it,s like and then they say.........."oh my ds does that don,t worry, .I did stop the conversation once when someone asked how my son would be getting to his new school 15 miles away, "oh he,ll get a taxi ", was my reply......"that ,ll be expensive for you"..........."we don,t pay the lea does"........."you mean us taxpayers pay for him to get a taxi ride to school" :wallbash::wallbash::angry::angry: ............yep this t*sser who married my friend said that to me :wallbash: ..........

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It is difficult to explain to people who don't know Ds1 that he has an ASD because he is so quiet most of the time. They say "he's very well behaved" and "he's been singing beautifully" and "he said something then". It's only when you point out that he is unable to say anything spontaneously, it's all echolalia (mostly delayed), that he won't show you something or direct your attention to something, that he uses your hand as a tool if he needs help with something, that he has very poor eye contact, that if you hug him he stiffens (though he will hug you when he wants) and that you can bang a book loudly down to see if he'll react and he won't - but he will turn at the sound of the phone ringing, that they concede he might be different from an NT toddler.

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Hi

 

I totally relate to you all. I have been out with friends and come back in tears. Sometimes, I feel as though all our lives are so different. However, sometimes I think that maybe i am expecting too much from them.................

 

Forbsay

x

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Kathryn,

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> You're daughter has made some fantastic achievements and we're all well proud of her. Tell you what let's have our own dinner party just here.........everyone's invited :)

 

"Mmmmm Kathryn this veggie lasagne lovely, how's your - what is that you're eating anway, not what's eating you? :lol: And how's your daughter doing, my son's doing just fine, his self management plans working and were getting to school on time for the first time in five years!

 

 

#

All the time usually ! I'd be there taking in all the latest on their kids, and then I would say my son who is autistic.... and a deathly silence would ensue, followed by the nervous coughing and then followed by a rapid change of subject, or some annoying person would pat me on the arm, which is the worst.

 

Melow - yes, yes, yes .... it's so like that, crikey .... this is so true .... and then the tumbleweed rolls past!

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>:D<<'> Kathryn >:D<<'>

 

Well, you won't have to worry about the conversation when you come to the Murder Party at our's :devil:

 

It will be completely incomprehensible because we'll be doing so much :wine::lol:;)

 

Bidxx

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Hope the food was good. The conversation sounds lousy...

 

The food was outstanding actually- I made a lot of it. :P

 

Well, you won't have to worry about the conversation when you come to the Murder Party at our's :devil:

 

It will be completely incomprehensible because we'll be doing so much :wine::lol:;)

 

That's my kind of evening! :thumbs:

 

K

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I am quite new to this, my son has only reciently got a final diagnosis and is only 3yrs.

As such I think part of my problem with situations like this is that part of me still hasn't asdjusted to what is and what the future possibly will and wont hold. As such, when choices for schools come up in conversation I seem to be paying an awful lot of attention to the ceiling!

Mind you he is making serious progress with the pecs system which we've only just started, so I might just have to learn how to boast louder than everyone else!

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As such I think part of my problem with situations like this is that part of me still hasn't asdjusted to what is and what the future possibly will and wont hold.

 

Melly,

 

Good point, this is what I feel too. People with "normal" chilren who are following the usual educational path have this breezy confidence about their children's future, whereas for us the future is shrouded in uncertainty and we anticipate battles and setbacks as par for the course.

 

It's great to hear about your son's progress - boast away! :thumbs:

K x

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Guest hallyscomet

Hi Kathryn,

 

I know how frustrating this is for you >:D<<'> >:D<<'> .

 

My partner and I get together with three other couples for dinner parties or go out to restaurants at least every three months. Well this time my partner got the dates mixed up and this time it collided with the date that my children arrived back home after being away on holiday with their father (my ex) since boxing day, I probably drove you all nuts as I was a bit stir crazy missing them :lol::blink:

 

Well I said flat no - I cannot go. I need to spend time with my children I cant just bring them home from the airport and then up and leave for lunch. They really missed me and were homesick etc.

 

I was relieved I didnt have to go and I no this sounds bad, but the same reason as you Kathryn, I just get sick of hearing them talk about their overseas holidays and childrens Uni results and subsequent escalation up the ladder. When they finally get round the table of what they have been doing and I am waiting for them to find out what I have been up to or the children - I know I feel a lump in my throat and a bit teary. Besides this all of the women are teachers. Deep down I feel resentful and think I can't wait to get out of here. One day I will just come out straight and tell them. :angry:

 

In another group of friends I see on a more regular basis it got to the point of oh heck, what am I afraid of just tell them the truth. You know what Kathryn, It was the best thing I ever did, as these people were very supportive, blew me away actually, and I felt a whole lot better So now we just tell them the truth, I just got so sick of hearing people brag about how wonderful their lives were, I straight out say only what I want them to know. But I felt I had to let them know the truth. Otherwise I would have been lost in depression, feeling insignificant and powerless.

 

This other group well, my partner said yeah all they talked about were their travels and easy lives, it was a bit boring, couldn't bring myself to say how pleased I was that I didn't go, but in future, I think I will come out and say it. But I do remember saying to the other friends how much I love my ASD child and feel blessed having a child like this. Even though it is the hardest job I have ever done. Mainly because I am a single mum and his dad is still in denial and putting pressure on the dear boy bullying him into occupations as if he were a NT child. Thank God he lives in Adelaide and can stay there :devil::clap::clap:

 

Hope this helps a bit Kathryn >:D<<'> >:D<<'> You are not alone. I am buying a new journal to set little goals for myself and my children achievable ones, as long as we are happy as a family unit, it doesn't matter to me what the rest of the world are doing. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> I know it feels good to talk about it though. I guess there are so many things we internalise without expressing how it hurts us. :wub: That cause we ARE SUPER MUMS :notworthy::notworthy: and DADS

 

Regards

 

Hailey

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frequently!!! and more often the older tom gets funnily enough :tearful:

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