children with autism strain with partners

[007paul007]

I thought I would start a thread regarding the strain and the stress looking after children with autism can put on the parents.

I know you miss things like social nights, and the bedroom side of things, but does it do more damage or does it bring you closer together.

I know it has brought me and my wife and even all the family closer together, and i know without my partner there I would of cracked many times. I would like to think that she says the same about me.

Are we lucky in a relationship or is it more common that the relationship end due to the stress ?

[lindy-lou]

well.....i can only speak for myself of course but the problem we have is that my DH is struggling to come to terms with it all and thinks if he tells indy enough to stop doing her behaviours it will sink in,and i think that is really stressful for her because the more he tells her not to,the more she feels compelled to do it,and its not like shes doing it to wind him up,even though it does,he takes it a bit too personally,so that is causing some strain because i just want him to accept her the way she is and let her get on with what she's comfortable with,i am hoping that he will accept it more when he comes to terms with the aspergers,he wont even read anything about it at the moment so im tending to ram it down his throat a bit,even though i know he doesnt want to hear it,it causes a few problems with my other girls too because i have to parent india differently and they sometimes think i let her away with things i wouldnt let them do,but they are a bit more accepting of the situation and as soon as i remind them about india having different needs it sort itself out,hopefuly all this is just part of the readjustment period and we will all find a way to deal with it individually and as a family.

[hev]

i do not think its brought me and my partner closer together but then we must have a strong relationship to deal with all the stress,i can tell steve off but if he does it i get very defensive and say hes not being paitent enough!sometimes i think would it be easier dealing with steve if i didnt worry about how my partner was going to react to steves behaviour then i think he helps me so much with steven i would be lost without him,oh i dont know,all i know is steves AS puts a massive strain on my whole family,grandparents included and obviously its not his fault but i often wonder what it must be like to have a day without arguing and stress,like a saturday night watching a video and having a takeaway with no pressures,just my views on it

[Lynden]

I think for us its made it clearer that we do have a very strong relationship and have continued to do so. Hubby works away through the week but is a fantastic support when he's at home and spends a lot of time with L giving me time to myself or time with just my NT daughter. L having autism has actually helped me understand some of my hubbys ways better too as we suspect he is AS. I do think it could cause problems though if either partner wasn't supportive/accepting.

 

I agree with Hev though that it has put a strain on other family relationships, grandparents, my siblings etc

 

Lynne

Edited January 22, 2006 by LLaverty

[justamom]

Hi, I am new to the forum and am loving it... It has helped a great deal.

 

My son is 12, we have only just a dx of As within the last year and this have been a very rough year for us. I have suspected that Keegan is HFA but everybody else thougt I was mad.

 

I think that our relationship has not been made stronger by the dx. Things are made worse by the tension and stress of our son who rules the roost. Our main area of contention is the fact that I am to soft with our son and give in alot (thats for a calmer easier life, which is not in itself helpful) and my hubby is rather strict and follows through with anysort of punishment. One thing that has helped with having a dx is that my hubby does not see our child as being a naughty boy anymore, before the dx he was naughty now its a case of he's doing those things because he can't help it and that has helped with us being more patient and its not just a case of him winding us up...

 

Justamom

[jen]

Hi our son was diagnosed 3 years ago. My husbands was in denial he still is. Not very supportive when I need him to be. The majority of times it always tends to be one parent who stands up for the child, attends reviews, writes the letters etc. ASD does put a strain on your relationship. Parenting is one of the most difficult things to do. Parenting a child with ASD and everything else that comes with it is even more difficult. It would not surprise me to find out sometime in their childs life one parent may need to use antidepressants

Jen

[adamsmum]

I think sometimes it makes us closer but then when the stress get's really bad we can fall out thats putting it nicely

[Suze]

I think Iam the one who could,nt handle the dx and my hubby was the supporter.It has brought us together and I could,nt manage without him,had a pretty bad 6mnths last year and he was great.He is the one who can ease him out of meltdown mode as he is a very calm person.I,m the neurotic mum on the edge of a nervous breakdown who cries quietly in the corner.My son responds very well to his dad, and his dad isn,t phased when our ds screams at him.Me on the other hand I,m a blubbering wreck .I know I,m very lucky I count my blessings every day.

[carrieq]

We are early days with regards dx but it has always been apparent ds is different. Dh will sometimes accept this but more often than not blames me. I think it is because it is too close to home and alot of ds behaviours are similar to dh. This has been a very tough week and I have felt out there alone has he has stated that I am blowing things out of proportion getting an emergency appointment because of ds talking about wanting to die. I worry about what would happen if anything happened to me!!

Carrie

[lainey]

in the begining i found that we drifted apart as a couple because we both didn't have a clue about asd and we both tried to cope in different ways he was very strong and all i did was cry and it put a terrible strain on all of us i found i was very protective over my little boy and my husband i thought was burying his head in the sand and i started to resent him but once we went on courses to understand asd we started to become close again and things are alot better but i think u have to have a strong relatioship to get through this i am lucky because he is a fantastic husband and dad and u have to pull together

[UltraMum]

I would think that it could make or break a relationship quite easily.

 

For us it's make - I couldn't cope without DH [and I like to think he couldn't cope without me!]

 

We both have a strong faith and I think that helps us a lot.

Edited January 22, 2006 by MotherEve

[madmooch]

Well, I feel as though i'm the only parent in the house, Hubby is not very supportive everything is left up to me and it's very stressful

 

 

Clare

[asereht]

I think sometimes it makes us closer but then when the stress get's really bad we can fall out thats putting it nicely

 

 

Not on my own then !

[LKS]

I think my husband has AS tendancies, but it doesn't help him to understand my 2's behaviour and problems at all I now feel like the only parent in the household and in fact I think thats how my husband has come to think of me as well

[UltraMum]

I think my husband has AS tendancies, but it doesn't help him to understand my 2's behaviour and problems at all I now feel like the only parent in the household and in fact I think thats how my husband has come to think of me as well

 

I could have posted the above - DH is really good at keeping the household running - I've delegated the washing and ironing to him! But dealing with J and anything out of the ordinary ... no chance.

 

The vicar said to me recently [when I'd just spent an hour when he simply asked me how I was coping] that he and his wife had been saying that I had extra to deal with in relation to the difficulties that life has sent our way. It really helped to hear someone else acknowledge my suspicions about DH. It does help that they also have an autistic son and so are really understanding.

[Jill]

Me n hubby have a good strong relationship anyway, when we do fall out it does tend to be about The Boy, but I guess that's pretty normal in any relationship (arguments about money or children!)

 

Because of where hubby works I do tend to be the person that attends meetings about The Boy, so I am the one who knows the strategies that are recommended for helping him. I tell hubby these & sometimes I feel like I am nagging him - he's a sod for using questions e.g. "shall we put our coat on" instead of statements "we are putting our coats on" for example and I do get fedup of telling him things like this.

 

I also wish he would be more supportive with his family. I am always the one who is correcting how MIL or FIL relate to The Boy. I am sure they think I don't like how they are with him, which is not the case, I am just keen that he has consistency of approach as that is what he needs.

 

Both hubby and I wish there was more "ahem" in our lives, but again I guess that's pretty par for the course with any couple once they have kids!

[neda]

We've also have a really strong relationship but have had our worst argument over our son who is currently being assessed. Husband thinks he needs to be disciplined more and I disagree. I've tried to get him to read things regarding ASD he says yeah, but don't think he has. I've tried explaining to remove him from situation when in middle of meltdown, hubby thinks he just needs to realise that things won't always go his way. He just doesn't get it that son doesn't apply reasoning, that he's not understanding of others feelings etc.. etc... I attend anything to do with school/nursery, hubby never goes to these. Must admit I've certainly sat and thought more about our relationship and hubby's attitude and how much I don't like him when he is like this. Thankfully its rare as I mostly deal with son at home. But I couldn't live without him, apart from loving him loads, he does loads of other stuff with all the kids keeping them entertained and keeping house running whilst I'm at uni and took control of everything over xmas period when I had my head in books studying for 3 weeks. Not sure its brought us closer but hubby now seems to have a better understanding of how exhausting life can be for me.