breaks my heart

[justamom]

Hi,

 

I have tried to be strong and not take things personally but I feel heart broken when things like this happen .

 

Let me explain:- We live in a close and the kids here are ok mostly boys around 12yrs old and they all seem to get along together with a few expections. We have one kid that takes the mick and is really horrible, he taunts and teases our son mainly because he is not very good at football (co ordination problems) but he trys which is the main thing and I like the fact that he is out playing and not on the computer all day. The other day was K birthday and he wanted a football, he was so proud to have his own and he could not wait to show it off to the other boys. He was playing outside when I got a frantic knock on the door from K minus the ball, the kid next door had taken his new ball would not give it back and was passing it from one boy to the other while K was trying to retrieve it... I was so hacked off I was ready to storm off and have a go and these boys but K was pleading for me not to as he would look like a mommies boy.

 

Today most of the kids in the neighbourhood went swimming K sometimes goes with them. When he does go with them swimming its usually me that takes a bunch of boys and I stay and watch over K because he is not responsible enough to stay on his own. When these kids cant get a lift to the swimming baths its ok to invite K because they know that I won't let him go alone therefore they get a lift. I should say no I am not taking them again put my foot down but its such a difficult situation because he soooooo wants to be included and if I say no then I am the bad person in his eyes hindering his friendships. Its very tough and heatbreaking because what do you say and how do you console someone who's is excluded for being themselves...

 

I was wondering how others have coped with being left out!!!!

 

Justamom

[lainey]

haven't really got advise on this but it made me cry i am dreading my little boy getting older because i dont know how i would react to this big hugs take care lainey

[baddad]

There is no getting away from it justamom this hurts like HELL.

Hard for both of us thought it's been, my son has just had to go along that long learning curve that 'being included' isn't the be all and end all - that how you're included counts too...

Sadly, in the little clique of kids that play outside Ben's excluded (and just like your situation, it's the OLDER kids who create that situation - the ones all the othert kids of ben's age look up to. Of course, they can do no wrong in their mother's eyes, which is probably why they are such nasty little ***** in the first place! ), but he does have some genuine friends at school... sadly, the peer pressure is such that those inside school friends disappear outside of the school gates, but I'm hopeful that will improve as they become more independent and less 'peerconscious'...

Best thing you can do is try to help your son find something he does like, and then expand his networks with kids who are into the same things... ben's biggy is golf, and he's made a couple of new friends through that that are starting to be more than just 'lesson buddies'.

 

<'> <'>

BD

[oracle]

My son certainly learnt his lesson the hard way where we live. We also live in a Close. Not last summer but the one before that he had a HUGE meltdown outside, the parents then stopped their kids from playing with him for months. By the time the parents gave in and allowed their children to play with Matthew again I think that he was close to a nervous breakdown Whenever he feels like he is going to blow now then he comes in - so I suppose it did serve a purpose. However Matthew is almost 9 and already the other kids in our Close are being allowed to leave the Close to play. It's something I can not let Matthew do and that was causing problems before the dark nights arrived. I was so pleased when they did.

 

Our next door neighbours son, who is 15 knocks on my eldest sons bedroom wall and hurls abuse through the wall. We have actually got a recording of this. His Mum often goes out with her boyfriend on a Friday Night and does not return home until a Sunday. When I complained I was told to get a life and that it was not her fault that I had two autistic kids. Yes but it will be her fault if my eldest snaps and snaps her sons neck We have had the Community Police who tell me that he is really an OK lad that needs some direction. Yes and I am an over stretched parent that needs him to get directly out of my space.

 

I would never wish for my two sons to be NT and like most of the kids that live beside us.

 

Carole

[lainey]

My son certainly learnt his lesson the hard way where we live. We also live in a Close. Not last summer but the one before that he had a HUGE meltdown outside, the parents then stopped their kids from playing with him for months. By the time the parents gave in and allowed their children to play with Matthew again I think that he was close to a nervous breakdown Whenever he feels like he is going to blow now then he comes in - so I suppose it did serve a purpose. However Matthew is almost 9 and already the other kids in our Close are being allowed to leave the Close to play. It's something I can not let Matthew do and that was causing problems before the dark nights arrived. I was so pleased when they did.

 

Our next door neighbours son, who is 15 knocks on my eldest sons bedroom wall and hurls abuse through the wall. We have actually got a recording of this. His Mum often goes out with her boyfriend on a Friday Night and does not return home until a Sunday. When I complained I was told to get a life and that it was not her fault that I had two autistic kids. Yes but it will be her fault if my eldest snaps and snaps her sons neck We have had the Community Police who tell me that he is really an OK lad that needs some direction. Yes and I am an over stretched parent that needs him to get directly out of my space.

 

I would never wish for my two sons to be NT and like most of the kids that live beside us.

 

Carole

[hev]

i know how you feel and it is heartbreaking,we used to live in a close and to see all the kids playing football and not include steve was terrible,i know what carole means when she says she loves the darker nights i do as the kids are not out so much and its not noticeable that steve is not included,i see all the kids on the bus going to bluewater and i feel sad but on the other hand the way a lot of them talk and act are not people i would like him to be with,i DREAD the summer holidays but its easier than it used to be as steve not bothered i think its me whose got a problem with it,he seems happy on his pc

[justamom]

thanks for all your replies,

 

Growing up is hard to do and the hardest part is cutting those apron strings.. (been told I am overprotective) but who cares.

Baddad - you are right being included is not the be all and end all and the sooner K and I get our heads around that fact the better.

Carole/Hev I too love the dark night and dread the summer when everyone is playing outside, I am the only mom who checks up on the her kids, I can't relax when he is outside playing I constantly worry but that goes with the terroritory.

Ouote:-

Yes but it will be her fault if my eldest snaps and snaps her sons neck

 

I am also worried about my son snaping because he is a gentle giant rather big for his age and if and when he losses his temper with these boys they will come off worst. I would rather avoid that happening but who knows - what goes around comes around -

[DaisyProudfoot]

For years our family has been involved in the local Scouts Gang Show. This year only my daughter is in it. Number 1 is doing his GCSEs, number 2 never liked it, number 3 (the one with AS) was OK last year but this year he came home after the first week and said:

 

"I can't be doing with making new friends again mum, it's too much. I'll just stay at home."

 

Well, you can't make them.

 

In his case it's not so much him not having friends but him struggling to make friends. He's just sticking with the ones he's got.

[raelien]

I totally understand how you feel - and yes it does break your heart to see.

 

 

I was in a similar situation a year ago when I deceided to take my son to the local indoor play center -he had a good day and we went to release some energy - as we arrived - his entire school class was coming out of the building - and there were remarks of who told us it was X's birthday party! - to top that off - the birthday boy himself ( bless him) came over and punched C in the mouth for turning up at his birthday and ruining it -

 

I felt devestated. Luckily C wasnt bothered about the party and it all seemed to wash oever him - he was always getting hot by this boy so he didnt think much of it - but this boy was allowed to get away with it -

 

His mum left him on the first day of school and so the dad was struggling and the X displayed lots of trauma - as you would expect - And I tried to explain to C that X was sad - without going into too much detail and expain that he was hurting inside and sometimes hurt C to help his own pain but he was only six and just didnt understand it - but I learnt then that as a mum I had taken the whole thing a lot more to heart than C actually had, He didnt read into it the way I had - and When I got upset that no one had told me so that at least I could stay away I realised that this was going to be a normal thing.

 

I have explained to all the children in my courtyard about C's diagnosis and they are patient and kind and wonderful with him - so he does get included there and now that hes in the unit at schol - the other children understand him so he finaly has friends there!

 

Its hard - It breaks you heart - and there are times when you just want to scream at the kids and tell them not to be so mean - but mean-ness is the nature of children - and once your boy has survived childhood Im sure things will be much better! - I suppose I have a very idealogical view on things becuase everything has kinda fallen into place recently and I have the support I need, many freinds now with Aspergers children that C likes to play with - so he doesnt feel any different, he is included! -

[ray]

I think this has been one of the hardest things for me to see. Whilst my childhood wasn't idyllic, it was in my view ###### marvelous. There were 4 or 5 of us who, from the ages of 10 through to 16, were thick as thieves, and we got up to much (mostly innocent) mischief, had a wonderful time, and learnt so much, and forged friendships which over 30 years later are still there. Alex hasn't got a friend, nobody has ever knocked on our door asking him to come and play, and whilst we try and be companions for him, I just wonder how he really, deep down, feels about this.

 

Now, having said alll this, when I have asked him, he says he's not bothered, and he's happy on the PC, listening to his music, and he has a laugh at college with his mates, so perhaps its OK. He's cool with his own company. And when I think about some of the things I did at his age, which my parents never, ever found out about, there is a bit of me grateful he isn't out on the streets to all hours.

 

We've just started to go to Spanish lessons in the evening, and my next objective is to get him out to do something sporty, he quite fancies learning badminton - and I think now that eventyually he'll connect with someone out there.

 

ray

[jb1964]

We have a similar thing where we live - we have all girls living close by all within 2/3yrs age - older and younger than my daughter (she's 12).

 

Up until she was around the age 6 - they would include her or knock the house for her - but it slowly fizzled out and after the age of around 8 no longer got invited to any birthday parties etc - even in school she was unlucky having so little girls in her class. And of course the older they get and become involved in the latest fashions, music, make up and boys - she's just not interested in those kind of things and can't hold a conversation with them as it doesn't interest her.

 

She did go through a spell of being more friendly with the boys from the age of around 7-11yrs - especially if they're talking about the latest PS2 game or PC problem - but of course this then causes the other girls to pick on her for that - you can't win.

[justamom]

thanks again everyone... its not "nice" that you are all going thru the say as us but it kinda makes me feel less upset if that makes sense.

 

justamom

[Guest hallyscomet]

<'> <'> <'>

[mossgrove]

Until about 18 months ago we lived in a lovely little close where lots of children played, which sound nice but it became really hard because J would want to go out and play with them. Often a lone child would play with him until a 'better' friend came along and he would then be ignored, or it there was a group already there they would ignore him which was hugely upsetting for all involved.

 

We now live on a much busier road where nobody plays outside. Our children play in the back garden which is fully enclosed. At first we thought a busier road was a drawback, but now I am so grateful we moved there. He still doesn't have friends that call round but he doesn't face constant rejection all summer long, so things are easier now.

 

Simon

[UltraMum]

It breaks my heart too ... we live on a close ... two boys from J's class also live on the close. Our house lies between the other twos' houses. I see them duck down and run below our window so that J won't see them and want to play ... the other day he spotted A going to N's house and ran out to join them ... N's dad answered the door and said that N wasn't playing ... J couldn't work it out ... but I could ...

 

Tonight J went to A's house - could hear A and N in the house but no-one answered his knock - he was distraught ...

[justamom]

mothereve,

 

thats awful, nobody should have to put up with that, kids can be so cruel. <'>

 

justamom

[baileyj]

Oh it must hurt your feelings so much.

 

We also live in a close, with several children all ranging from 5 to 8, in the Summer they all play out together. Its different for us, in tha Max (5) isn't interested. I'm always saying, do you want to go and play with the other children, he always says NO. He is the opposite, he has absolutely no interest in making or having friends. I put this down to his ASD, and tell myself as long as he's happy, then I am, and if he's happy alone, then fine. But....inside I do wish he wanted to make friends. Maybe being a loner will save him the pain of their rejection? I guess were never satisified are we?

 

I hope things get OK.

 

Jo

[UltraMum]

Oh it must hurt your feelings so much.

 

I ... tell myself as long as he's happy, then I am, and if he's happy alone, then fine. But....inside I do wish he wanted to make friends. Maybe being a loner will save him the pain of their rejection? I guess were never satisified are we?

 

J used to not care - but he's starting to twig and that's what hurts so much.

 

I guess we all want our children to be happy - however that comes their way.