Please Help.

[reuby2]

I've got to post or else i will be in tears on the floor.In the last two weeks my son has been so much worse.

He is currently upstairs screaming like an animal every time we try to speak to him. He is having one major tantrum and is so angry because he has been told to put his clothes on.He is acting like one spoilt brat!!!

 

He screams at us to stop talking and then does this pitiful, "well I don't know, How can I know, I can't control myself,I get frustrated" or " he's (dad) frustrating me!". Well these are my words when I have been talking to people or intervening when Dad isn't understanding him. This is what makes me think he is being naughty and controlling rather than his ASD. He is driving us CRAZY!!!!

 

We know that he is unwell as he has been off school for two days with a temp and we are trying to get him to the doctors that is why he needs to get ready. It really is like talking to ananimal the screams and grunts he is making.Surely everything can't be put down to his ASD..he wouldn't talk to his teachers like this, he is as good as gold at school, but bosses us around all the time. We "can't do this" or "Do this", sometimes life feels so hard.

 

I am sorry for ranting, really sorry, I hate to be negative but right now if i stop typing i'll explode!!!

[adamsmum]

Sorry i would not know whot to do but have some <'> <'> . Hope you sort it out soon I'v got 2 ill and it's a nightmare i wish thay would sleep it of like others do but that would be to easy for them Will be thinking of you

[reuby2]

Thank you god that someone has replied!!!!!!

 

I am been driven up the wall.Adams mum ...thanks.. just to connect with someone right now helps.

 

I think i am becoming hysterical I am starting to find it funny on a very deep level!How much can one human take.!!!

[witsend]

HI Reuby, sorry haven't got long here got to pick son up in a minute but <'> to you and hang in there. I do know how you feel we had similar low point recently and I thought it was never gonna end and felt it was all spiralling out of control. Things have got better for the timebeing at least and they will for you too <'> Will try to post again later to see how you're doing - can you escape from the house for a little while and go for a walk or something??

Sorry again have to go now, take care of yourself and get a bottle of wine in for tonight?

Luv Witsend.

[lynyona]

<'> <'> <'> reuby2 <'> <'> <'>

Loads of hugs coming your way i was the same as you last week kieran is driving me to distraction and im sure he gets worse and not any better,but at least out of frustration i have started knocking on doors again,i hate to admit it i need help.Sometims it is cruel but i wish at times that someone would come and take him away,for is own good as much as our sanity.Not permanantly just for someone to see what he is like just for two weeks to see what we have to endur but knowing my luck he d be as good as gold as the teachers used to tell me he was when he was at school.As we know things do get better for a while then we are back to square one so we rant here at the time and get all the support we need.Then here we go again.How old is your son reuby2?

 

lynn

[Kathryn]

Reuby,

 

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

As you can see you aren't alone in dealing with this kind of behaviour - I've been there too. It's very wearing when it goes on day after day and I'm sure you're trying everything you can.

 

Can you think of any reason why it has got worse in the last two weeks? Has something changed at school?

 

K x

[reuby2]

Thanks Witsend and Lynona.He is 7.I have just managed to get him to put his clothes on and come

downstairs with the promise of the T.V. It really seems to get out of control when he is asked to do something that he doesn't want to. Hubby is finding this all quite funny because usually it is only happening to him and I can get him to calm down very easily and so i have always accused my hubby of being the cause (by not explaining himself or not listening)

 

My son has always been really stubborn even from a baby.I don't know what to do for the best even yesterday I was talking to my Mum and saying how I was feeling it a bit now, not being able to do the things as a parent that I always wanted to and she was saying that she thinks a lot of his problems are that he is spoilt (has too many toys) an only child and used to having my attention. She does admit that she can now tell that it is something more, when he was first dx she wouldn't believe it. But I have started thinking Am i too soft on him, he is very vocal about how he feels about people, I don't like them , I hate them etc. Each time I tell him it is rude and not the way to speak to people, but he still does it (he doesn't like anyone apart from me!) so he says it to Dad, Nana, Grandad,my friends kids etc.

 

I also find it hard because when he is "in one" and I am trying to explain to him, he will scream full blast in my face and my instinct it to slap his face (stop the noise of his screaming), we don't smack him. I don't like the way he can push my buttons.Luckily there is always another part of me that kicks in and I try to be calm, but i am starting to feel really weary.

 

Thanks everyone for being here.

 

Hi Kathryn, He isn't very well again, I think it may be his ears again, he had 3 ear infections in Dec.I have told him that we will forget about the docs till later on as he needs tto calm down a little before I broach that again!

Edited February 4, 2006 by reuby2

[lynyona]

rueby

 

My eldest says the same about kieran (19) he says that i let him get away with to much i admit maybe i do but its easier to than face the full blown meltdown.When kieran was younger he had ear infection after ear infection,he ad grommits put in but he stll got the infection and it was then found he d two perforated ear drums which he had audiplasty a few years back.He does having minor ahearing loss because of it and he now as the tv and anthing else full blast but i think hes been that use to it being loud.

[reuby2]

Thanks lynona,

I have been quite concerned about his ears as in december he had a nasty infection that the doc thought could make his eardrum burst, luckily it didn't.He had 3 lots of antibiotics in december and one lot was a stronger kind.Surely it can't be right to have so many infections?

Well all is quiet now, he is eating his lunch and happily watching the t.v.

 

Thanks everyone,

<'> <'>

[rainbow queen]

<'> hi rueby <'>

 

totally can understand you,i sometimes feel like im going mad with all the shouting that goes on in my house,its got to the point where im shouting too.

 

my son also refuses to do things that are asked of him like putting his coat on-such a simple task that turns into a full scale blowout.

 

i am just trying to make myself except that this is my life now and i wont get back the old life i had before i had my sons-its hard and sometimes i cry about it all alot.

 

im trying a visual board with my son at moment so when i tell him to put coat on he can see the picture before hand and then he can except it a bit more.[hes 4].

 

just dont feel alone in this cause your not honey <'> <'> <'>

[oracle]

Hmm sort of understand what you are going through because I have had similar with Matthew who is also very stubborn and very bossy.

 

I also made the mistake of trying to get other people out of sticky situations with Matthew by saying things about him in front of him. BIG mistake. Matthew also used what I had said as evidence in favour of him not doing what we wanted. He used my words as his out clause.

 

So I changed track and decided that I would use a different line of fire, which many would say is questionable. Because I now say things like 'XXXX does not understand why this is happening so let me do this for you' then I take no truck or back chat from him at all.

 

I have also explained that 'he' is very much in control of his brain and that he may have autism but that he is not stupid and 'he' does have control. I say that he knows full well when he is acting himself and that he also knows that by not putting his clothes on - yes we have that to - that he is only going to make everyone cross and that no matter how long it takes we will always go out even if it's midnight! I have done this to. We talk about his autism and how he can control his own temper. Matthew is 8 so he is older but I do believe that by teaching him about himself I have actually gained more control because he can no longer fob me off. If that means I take over from someone who is struggling he knows right off that Mum will not take any c**p.

 

I will say that hubby does not always appreciate this and I can't say that I blame him, because it's not nice hearing me say that he does not understand and that I do. But really I am saying you can't pull the wool over my eyes son so don't try it.

 

I am a very nasty Mum

 

Carole

[loulou]

Hi Reuby,

 

Hope you are feeling better now <'> <'> . I've been having really bad trouble with Kai lately too (he is also 7). He goes ballistic over something really small (like being asked to get changed). A few weeks ago i actually considered leaving him at the train station after he had a massive tantrum. I got to my car but at the last minute went back for him (thank God).

 

Haven't got any advice, only wanted to sat i know how it feels <'> .

 

Loulou x

[reuby2]

Thanks every one,you don't know how much it has helped !

 

Well we have just got back from the doctors where he has screamed and cried and whinged more than all the newborn babies in there!!!

 

He refused to put his shoes on so I carried him in ,then he sat there with his hood up and whinged about how it was my fault and I made him upset, everyone was looking at me, getting hyper worked up and covering his ears and screaming when the baby cried, we had made an appointment 3 hours previously so when we got there a big sign flashed up saying "Waiting time between 1 and a half and 2 hours "!!!!!!

 

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

 

So i queried it with the assistant who verified that it was a wait, explained his situation (ASD) and she offered us a quiet place to wait which after about 5 mins we accepted, he was curled up on the chair,crying.

 

It must have looked like we didn't care because we ignored him and didn't look at him, NOT because we didn't care but because everytime I said "are you okay" he screamed at me and evertime I looked at him he screamed again, so i had to sit there looking at the wall opposite not saying anything and with this constant whinging at my side. When we got in there (About 10 mins later so not too bad at all) he acted like ,,...I don't know what.....screaming and crying,gritting his teeth ,accusing the doc of hurting him . BEFORE she touched him!! Then when we are in the car he has calmed right down again.!!!

 

Anyway his ears are red again but no infection, it's a viral thing again.

 

Anyway all's calm on the western front now. God bless you all.

 

Fiona x

[baddad]

Hi reuby -

FWIW I'm mostly with carole on this one - VERY firm boundaries, and autism ISN'T a get out clause... It may make things harder (much MUCH harder sometimes) but learning to take control of those impulses and channel them elsewhere is probably one of the most valuable lessons our kids have to learn.

That doesn't mean you can't make allowances, but it does mean that the allowances are 'finite' if that makes sense...

When ben goes seriously OTT I know it is impossible for him to maintain control, so diversionary tactics come into play, or just sometimes damage limitation by getting him (or others) away from the situation. Judging the next bit can be a real tough call, but there will always be a 'consequence' to the behaviour: an apology, or an explanation asked for, and some sort of disciplinary action if necessary. It can be a double edged sword; and at times i've asked myself whether (i.e.) reminding him about bad behaviour from a couple of days ago is helpful - but i think the LONG GAME plan has to be that it is (once of course their understanding has reached a point where time is a viable concept for them and associative memory is starting to appear), even if it creates problems in the short term. Star charts and stuff can really help with this process - because they offer a reference on the past (Do you remember you didn't get your star on Tuesday because...) as well as a motivation for the future...

Believe me, I'm not underestimating how hard it can be - i've been to hell and back many, many times, and depsaired that things could ever improve. I also know that having too high expectations and applying too much pressure is a sure fire way of inviting chaos, and that finding the balance can be frighteningly hard.

 

Hope that's someway helpful, and very VERY best...

 

L&P

BD <'>

[UltraMum]

reuby <'> <'> <'>

 

Your original description could be our household on any given day ... I think that my son is now 'trying it on' many times when he starts screaming/shouting etc and we have adopted the firm discipline route. J will soon be ten and is of an age where reasoning seems to be having an effect - he needs to learn that he cannot use his autism as an excuse ...

 

But it's hard ..

[witsend]

Hi reuby, just wanted to say I hope things have calmed down a bit now and you're feeling a bit better. I find Dr's surgeries (and the waiting) hell on earth!

Ear infections (viral or otherwise really do make you feel ###### miserable) so perhaps that's contributed to it all today eh? Hope tomorrows better - take care

Luv Witsend.

[hev]

hello rueby,hope things are bit calmer now,as you probably gathered by now you are not alone in this but when its going on day in day out in your house you start to feel very down and alone,but you not,youve got us lot to rant to,ive felt so low sometimes and feel like im sinking and never going to feel ok again but i dont know what drags me out of it but i start to feel better and ready to face another day,its hell sometimes isent it,i dont know any answers as i have trouble coping with my sons behaviour on a daily basis but just wanted you to know we are all here and we all understand,keep your chin up love hev xx

[Brook]

Hi Reuby,

 

It can all get very draining cant it. <'> <'> have had a hectic week myself, everytime my son lets out a sudden loud shriek, my chest tightens, like yourselves we never smack, I strongly am against it, but you really need to take some deep breaths to keep calm dont you. It gets really tiring trying to juggle everything and keep on top of things especially when there is constant noise and stress!

I can relate to how stressy it is when your son wants you to stop talking, if you read my post about my son wanting everything to stop, then you'll know that this is sooooooo draining also.

My son is also seven and I think he is becoming much more verbally loud, he seems to be quite angry alot of the time, but this is mainly when he is not being occupied, he finds it hard to go and do something off his own back, I have to suggest it ie.. 'go and read your star wars book', he then does and is really quiet and calm.

If he is not doing something, then I find this is when most things kick off! so I watch for the signs and guide him into something occupying, but sometimes he'll start screaming about whatever he is doing, it can feel like somedays you just cant win.

 

Chin up, hope things calm down soon. <'>

 

Brook

Edited February 4, 2006 by Brook

[microsoft_admin]

I've got to post or else i will be in tears on the floor.In the last two weeks my son has been so much worse.

He is currently upstairs screaming like an animal every time we try to speak to him. He is having one major tantrum and is so angry because he has been told to put his clothes on.He is acting like one spoilt brat!!!

 

He screams at us to stop talking and then does this pitiful, "well I don't know, How can I know, I can't control myself,I get frustrated" or " he's (dad) frustrating me!". Well these are my words when I have been talking to people or intervening when Dad isn't understanding him. This is what makes me think he is being naughty and controlling rather than his ASD. He is driving us CRAZY!!!!

 

We know that he is unwell as he has been off school for two days with a temp and we are trying to get him to the doctors that is why he needs to get ready. It really is like talking to ananimal the screams and grunts he is making.Surely everything can't be put down to his ASD..he wouldn't talk to his teachers like this, he is as good as gold at school, but bosses us around all the time. We "can't do this" or "Do this", sometimes life feels so hard.

 

I am sorry for ranting, really sorry, I hate to be negative but right now if i stop typing i'll explode!!!

sounds like what i used to do just let it play out wait him out and let him tire himself out just ignore him

 

 

i would recomend cotten buds for the noise

[microsoft_admin]

sounds like what i used to do just let it play out wait him out and let him tire himself out just ignore him

i would recomend cotten buds for the noise

forgot to mention that thats what my mum used to do when i had tantrums (right up till i was 15 and a half)

[reuby2]

<'> YOU ARE ALL FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! I WANT TOSEND <'> <'> to you all.

 

It all seems so silly now, as it is quiet in the house and he has slept all night. I feel a bit embaressed really as it just seemed out of proportion yesterday.I am only just starting to admit that I find it really hard, my Mum and friends say that I am so patient and understanding with him, starting to think maybe that's the problem!!

<'>

[Suze]

Hi Reuby, know how you feel. <'>

[Bullet]

<'> Reuby <'> No advice, as my lads are much younger than yours. Just hope he and you have a much calmer day today

[OPooh]

I can sooo relate to this <'>

Seems a lot of the time people put the behaviour down to age and shrug it off as being naughty. As soon as I read he was off school I thought - oh uh.

We have half term pending doom ahead too

 

We found that we had to look at what the problem is, what's causing it and how can it be helped.

We learnt that routine is key.

don't reward behaviour unless it's part of a routine, we found that the more we rewarded him the worst he got.

 

We've just made a visual aid for dinner times - this means his dad doesn't have to keep telling him stuff and getting "wound up" but can just refer to the aid.

 

Feel free to pm me and discuss any specifics that you can break down and I'll try and think of ways you could resolve it - we may even have the same issues (my ds is 9 now)

[oracle]

Hi Reuby

 

Clearly you do understand your son and that can make it difficult when you see others, even husbands and I know all about that one, doing something that you know will ignite a situation.

 

In lots of ways I think we weigh up a situation and have a good idea which way it is going to blow and then we go for damage limitation - well I do.

 

At 7 there is no way he will be able to understand himself to a greater extent and so he will need you to be patient and understanding with him. Although I came across in my post as being the tough guy - and I can be - I can also often see how a situation has got out of hand because of the way someone else has handled it and that really stresses me out. In my house there are three other people who all have their own way with dealing with Matthew and none are the same. So you can imagine how much fun that can be

 

I often sit and wonder when the house is nice and peacful how I got so worked up and then when it all blows up again I feel the same again

 

Carole

Edited February 5, 2006 by carole

[mum22boys]

<'> Hi rueby2

 

I only have a couple of minutes as i'm going out. But just wanted to say I read your post and felt I was reading about my own son. i posted the other day because M is getting worse and the way you described your son was SO simular to mine. Even the bit about him hating every one. I know what you mean M is the same. He only shows me any kind of nice words and even then I am usually the one on the receiveing end of the tantrum.

 

Have some of these <'> <'> and I will post again later.

 

mum22boys

[asereht]

Hi sorry I wasn't around yesterday so missed this one .Hope you had a better day today....Sometimes it all gets too much for me too and then I wonder what I made such a fuss about when all is calm again...but know I'll do the same again next time!

Take care <'> <'>

[UltraMum]

Glad today has been better

[reuby2]

Thanks everyone for your support, shows what a difference we make in each others life.I feel so much stronger now just through everyone's replies and support.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>