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~Jonathan~

I worry

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I live my life as a virtual recluse because I am not comfortable around others because I tend to get picked on in some way. The other day, someone I thought was my friend and who knows of my condition told me that I was irritating, infuriating and could totally understand why people didn't get on with me, that I needed to grow up and 'get a life.' I won't be seeing this person again. I worry that even if I went along to an AS type of meeting or place that I would (on some level) get on the nerves of the people there. I'm just looking for acceptance really but I don't think I'll ever find it. Conditionally maybe but what good is that? :crying:

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I'm so sorry that someone has said this to you. Maybe they were feeling down and lashed out without thinking (which doesn't excuse what they said, but perhaps helps to give reasons).

 

Easier said than done, but please try not to take this to heart too much. We all get on other people's nerves sometimes but hope that our friends can forgive this because they love us.

 

I hope this person realises what they've said and apologises. Try not to give up on everyone because of what this one person has said.

 

Sending >:D<<'>

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No, this person was always saying things to me like this. I have a habit of saying hello to people when I see them, even if I don't know them. I was out with him and someone looked at me and I automatically said "hello there" and he really went for me. "Do you know them?" he asked. "No" I replied. "Then why are you saying hello to them?" and I said "because it's polite to" I said. "So are you saying I'm not polite then?" he said. "I didn't mean it to sound like that" I said. "No, you never do" he said. "What does that mean?" I said. He said "you can't go round saying hello to people, it's no wonder you're hated and no one likes you." That really hurt. I said "I can't help it, it's just something I do." "Well, don't do it" he said "because it's embarrassing and it makes you look like a freak."

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As jilll said , maybe they did not mean to say this ,although that is no excuse, but sometimes people say things and then wish they could take it back as they were just having a bad day. If this is not the case then you are better off without this person in your life but I am sure everyone you meet will not be the same. you sound like a nice person to me and my son is much the same as you ,in that he does not go out as he to is not comfortable around others especially his peers.

 

Theresa

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I go to meetings of a disability rights campaigning group, there's a lot of diversity there, some people with autistic spectrum impairments and lots of others too, and I feel like they are very accepting and welcoming of me and my 'differences' - one of the things I find hard is not speaking out of turn so we have a system of having someone being 'chair' and putting your hand up when you have something to say and the others make sure and ask so that I don't get left out. It's a very inclusive atmosphere, I wish everywhere felt as comfortable and 'easy' as that.

 

I think I would find a big meeting of autistic people quite difficult as I rely on others to help me with social cues but it would be very interesting, too.

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Jonathan >:D<<'>

 

We all have bad days - which I know is no excuse. But even my eldest who has got to have the patience of a saint with his two brothers blew a gasket on Sunday and more or less said the same thing to his brother. He told him to grow up and get a life - which was very hurtful for David to hear. However within a couple of hours Rob realised that he was out of order and he too felt dreadful. We all say things that we do not mean sometimes or which we mean at that moment in time when we are angry but then wish we could take back :(

 

We do have some adult AS groups running where I live and I know that they don't always get on or see eye to eye but that mostly it does work.

 

I don't know you but I read your posts and from what I read I think that you are a pretty OK nice guy :) and if your friend does not really understand your AS then maybe he is not a friend at all.

 

take care

 

Carole

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Hi Jonathan

 

Don't be put off by this person. I often say good morning to people as I walk to the shops early in the morning, even if I don't know them. Yes I get some strange looks but it is their fault if they are unsociable.

 

You have nothing to feel bad about. You are a friendly person and I for one hope that you do not change just because of someone making a stupid comment.

>:D<<'> :D

 

Just to add I have had some people look absolutely amazed and then say good morning back with a huge smile on their face!

Edited by stressed out mum

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Hi Jonathan,

 

Your friend did kinda blow up at you but it sounds like he did it out of concern rather than dislike. I'm sure he didn't mean to take this attutude but we all get angry and frustrated with people especially those we care for because we hate to see them get hurt.

 

As Daisy says it may be worth finding a group of like-minded folk in your area so you can mix further, but hang on to this other guy, it sounds like he cares.

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Jonathon

 

There is nothing wrong with being polite better than being rude.I think it was rather tactless of your friend to say what he did but perhaps he was having a bad day.Try not to take it to heart or let it play on your mind.Easier said than done. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Sometimes when people are saying they don't like someone it can mean that actually they don't understand them which is a different thing altogether :rolleyes:

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It's really strange because when I've been with this person and he criticises me and others (he is always moaning about someone or something) the qualities he lays into, I don't see them in others but in him. The other day, this chap came over to where we were and started telling him about a business idea he had and my friend really started laying into him, sneering at him and laughing at his ideas. I could see this person deflating by the second until eventually, he was looking down a lot and his voice was hardly a whisper. I piped up "I think it's a great idea, you go for it" because I hated seeing him lose confidence and this friend of mine turned round to me sharply and said "and do you work? Well, do you? No you don't so I don't think you have any idea about business and what works and what doesn't so, with all due respect, you have nothing constructive to add to this conversation" and then with his mouth still smiling (though nothing touching his eyes) he went back to slamming this other person's opinions. This other person and I looked at each other for a moment. He then said "well, I still think it's a workable idea" and my friend said "well, I don't so grow up!" This was a grown man being spoken to like a child. He then half-smiled at me and said "nice to meet you" and shook my hand and walked off. I said "he seemed like a nice chap" and my friend says "yeah he's alright I suppose" and inside I no longer liked him. I still went back though for more.

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You know what jonathan bloomeing sod this person.There just makeing you feel bad and you can do without it.

 

They sound like a bully takeing advantage of a nice person puttting you down to make themselves feel good.

 

Im a firm beleiver in no freinds are better than someone who makes yer feel rotton.

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It's really strange because this person really has nothing to complain about in my opinion. He has a younger wife and two small children (he's in his 50's) and he has a business which is doing well. He just loves to put people down and yet when someone else does it, he's the first to criticise. He's actually getting at himself but through others if that makes sense? He treats everyone badly so I'm not putting what I feel above these people, the chap he spoke down to went away looking very miserable indeed. I just feel it more I guess because when I come home I perhaps don't have what these others have and that seems to make the feelings hit home all the more. Does that make sense? An example being, when I say something to him he might take it okay, something really commonplace like my view on politics or something but when someone else comes along he'll say "jon think this..." and then go off on one and what before passed without notice now becomes something big. He'll then say something like "he talks a lot of cr*p doesn't he?" and then laugh and I just feel small. I've even said things to echo what he thinks and feels in front of people hoping that will be okay but he'll even rubbish that. I don't understand him at all. He doesn't treat me very well at the best of times but when others are present, he's horrible.

Edited by ~Jonathan~

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Johathan, I would guess that the person who said this to you is very insecure and maybe because of that he can't understand why you are comfortable with saying hello to everyone. I live in a village, and everyone says hello to everyone whether they know them or not. Having spent most of my life in cities and big towns it took me a while to get used to this but I quite like it now.

 

Don't let the careless and cruel words of one person change who you are or make you feel bad about yourself. You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

Lauren

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I have edited my previous post, added some more. Sorry to go on but I don't get many people to talk with out in the world and the way he treats me makes me feel sad inside.

 

Hi Lauren. I told him that I was brought up to greet people and it's just something I do. He told me that "we live in England Jon and people just don't do that" and I said "but it's just something I like to do, I've always done it and most people say hello back and some stop and chat." He said "well, I just think it's stupid. You're going to get punched one day" and I said "yeah but there's no malice in it." He said "I just don't understand you at all." I left shortly after and haven't been back since. I guess I could change in his presence to be something he wants but again, what good is that?

Edited by ~Jonathan~

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I'm not going to bother with him again and I worry (yeah I always worry) that I'm maligning him, don't mean to. I'm just a little upset because when I first met him, he seemed caring and supportive and now I am seeing how he really is, not just to me but others too. I am best off without him. If I see him again, I will wave and nod (shalln't say hello) but don't want to get any deeper than that.

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To me it sounds like this chap has a few problems with who he is.. wanting to be perhaps a bit more outward going like you but yet just can't make the jump- for you its more natural - as you say just something you do...some people might see you doing stuff so effortlessly that they get a bit jealous over... now it could be this or it could just be he's having a bad day, days, weeks etc... as was mentioned above try not to let it get to you...I am pretty sure deep down he knows that you are not doing this stuff to annoy or embarrass him - chances are he is already feeling guilty about what he says... if he is feeling guilty it might make him more aggravated by the situation not because of you though but because he feels silly and upset with himself for being nasty... I know its flippin complicated... why people do stuff and react the way we do etc....

 

I find it a refreshing change to have someone say hello to me makes me think that not everyone out there are villains wanting to do us harm !!!

 

I often say hello to people I don't know too and its nice to see the few say it back... we make a connection to the world and the world says hello back !!!!

 

so keep going you are a lucky person to not have lost that touch with the world....

 

anyway hope this helps some and from me to you 'Hello'

 

:thumbs:

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You know, I may be reading this wrong, but do you know what my impressions are of your "friend"? He's a bully. A bully undermines and picks on somebody. A bully makes the bullied question themselves when there's no need to. A bully attacks a person's positive traits until the bullied wonders why they ever had them.

Now, I could take the charitable route and say that maybe this bloke is insecure himself and puts you down as a coping mechanism, but that doesn't detract from the core issue. That your friendly nature and your ideas are things to hold onto and have the right to express. Because I can guarantee that if other people you know got a chance to be completely honest, they'd have far more scathing remarks to make about this bloke than they would about you.

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Hello ksasnic >:D<<'>

 

I am going to continue to say hello. I don't say it indiscriminately, only when I see people looking at me. I find eye contact difficult so I hope that a 'hello there' and a smile suffices instead.

Edited by ~Jonathan~

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Hi Bullet (sorry for yet another post) I agree with what you're saying. I have seen him hurt others, I can see their faces and eyes hurting when he's saying stuff. What I can't understand is why for the first few weeks of knowing him he was okay, he accepted me, was he sizing me up do you think? Seeing with what he could get away with. Also, some days when it is just him and I talking, he is okay, not many barbs in the conversation but another person comes along and he either rips into me in front of them or them in front of me and if I try and support the other person then I get it too. With women, he is okay and never does or says anything nasty at all.

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Jonathan, I think your quite right for wanting to avoid this guy if he makes you feel rotten. Life can be difficult enough but it sounds like theres no give and take with him and you. I made the decision not long ago to distance myself from those people who put me down. No regrets. You sound like a warm, friendly person and BTW saying good morning or hello to strangers and smiling at them is quite the social norm where I live and its not a tiny village either.

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Hi gromit. Sorry you have had these experiences too >:D<<'>

 

I can do cyber hugs just fine :D

 

I know I have to walk away from people who are harmful to me but I feel tremendous guilt because I have lost friends who deserted me in the past and I don't like to do the same to others.

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Big hug to you too >:D<<'>

 

I'm totally with you on how difficult it can be. In the past year have had both experiences of being deserted for no good reason I could work out then I had to distance myself from a friend I've had for years. I would say that this was even harder...to walk away. But I would never walk past someone (LOL back to that again :D ) You know what I mean though...if someone was in real need and asked I'd be there. So yeah you'll probably feel bad about it......so you could maybe be doin with some more of these. :):):)

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Hi again Jonathan,

 

Having read your most recent posts it does sound as though this guy is having some real issues of his own and perhaps you do need some time apart because he could begin to get pretty nasty especially as he is getting uppity with everyone and not just you.

 

Keep on smiling at folk and saying hello ... I quite often smile at folk I don't know ... it keeps them guessing :devil:

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Hi Jonathon, I just wanted to say that you sound like a really nice guy and if someone is making you feel bad you need to let them go. It's hard to admit sometimes, but not all people are good for you, even if you see them as a friend. I have lost friends over the years and been lonely too, but things change and if you keep being friendly as you are, you will meet some nicer and truer friends than this man seems to be. I wave at people if they wave at me, even if I don't know them. I only get embarassed when I turn around and see they were waving at their friend stood behind me. :oops: I also live in London but I try to smile at people who smile at me. I catch myself staring at people sometimes, when I forget I am not invisible, and then I hope they will smile at me and not thump me for staring :lol: I have said hello and spoken with many people on the streets of London, but they are normally tourists who don't realise that a lot of Londoners are miserable gits like me. ;)

 

be happy. Believe in yourself and keep on being you. :D

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He told me that "we live in England Jon and people just don't do that"

 

 

I just want to say three things to you Jonathan;

 

1) This bloke is a horrible bully, do not feel guilty about walking away from him, he doesn't deserve a friend like you.

2) You are quite right that a smile and a hello is sufficient in place of eye contact, if that makes you feel more comfortable then go for it, you are probably making someone's day.

3) The comment above from this bloke just shows you what an idiot he is. In Derbyshire everyone is friendly and always say hello - whether they know the person or not - and it always makes my day when someone smiles or says hello to me.

 

Take care of yourself. Don't see this horrible man any more. There are people much more deserving of your friendship.

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Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I spoke to Mum about it earlier because she is a good judge of character and has often told me in advance that someone isn't good for me and I have railed against her and been horrible myself and said "you just don't want me to have friends" but she knows my difficulties and isn't trying to smother me but protect me. I was worried that I was maligning him and she hasn't so far said anything about this person. Today I spoke to her about him and said that I don't feel he's any good for me and he speaks down to me and is horrible and she said "I've never liked him, I was afraid you'd hang around and become very unhappy and I didn't want to say anything because you would feel I was interfering but I can see you're getting better at discerning who's good for you and who isn't. You're learning. Now stay away as he's trouble." I felt really good about that because I am slowly beginning to see who's good for me and who isn't. Then we both sat down with a cup of tea and watched Monk though I'd inadvertently missed the first 10 minutes but I caught up okay so it's all good :D

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>:D<<'> Jonathan,

you sound like a very astute guy. I think you've got your 'mate' pretty much sussed. to me he sounds like a bully who doesn't deserve to have a friend like you. The thing is, we all do things that irritate others but people who truly are friends accept you for who you are and don't bat an eyelid let alone put you down in such a nasty way.

Maybe he does have issues and maybe he doesn't, but quite clearly he couldn't care less about hurting your feelings and sounds as though he quite relishes it. You can do better, and you will !!

As for saying hello to people, you just carry on! it's a nice thing to do. my son does this to people, although if someone says it to him first he isn't so keen, he backs right off. But thats Lewis all over :lol: I think its brilliant that you can say you are far more aware of another persons feelings than your so called mate. :thumbs:

I know this isn't much consolation, but you don't need someone like him in your life. :shame:

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Hi Johnathon,

I just wanted to say I have read your posts for quite a while now and have always thought you came across as a really nice person. I would be very happy if my dd grew up as nice as you. Karen

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hello jonathan,i always say hello to people and i do not live in a small town,do not change its your so called friend who needs to,i like reading your posts,you come across as very nice so stay the way you are and avoid the bully cos thats what i think he is,take care love hev

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I worry on here though too, sometimes I re-read a post I've written and wonder how it comes across. Thanks for all the lovely comments and words of support. Much appreciated :) And Hi Karen >:D<<'>

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Jonathan, Just wanted to add more of the same that's been posted.

 

You come accross as articulate, thoughtful and also have a great deal of insight in to your character. Everyone, whether ASD, NT, AS, whatever, make wrong judgement calls on a person's character or motives.

 

Getting older and gaining experience may make a person a little more discerning, but that doesn't necessarily mean that person won't make a wrong judgement. I still get it wrong sometimes. Some of my closest friends are people I took an instant dislike to, and vice versa.

 

You just keep on as you are and have faith in yourself. You sound like a really nice person with a good character. Don't let a few bad eggs put you down.

 

I like the sound of your allotment (you mentioned it in another thread). You obviously have the motivation to get on with your life and get out there and do things.

 

My philosphy is, if someone in my life is pleasant and accepts me for who I am, then I like them to stick arround. But if someone doesn't like the way I do things, criticises my character, opinions etc, then I can do without them and they know where the door is (metaphorically speaking).

 

Lauren

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Hi Jonathan, :)

 

This (ex) friend of yours is really a bully and he is playing around with people to boost his self estime this remind me of my ex who was eventualy DX with narcissistic personnality disorder, they manipulate people all the time because they have no existence of self without others to boost them up if this does not happen they eventualy bully them just for that great feeling to feel superior, they don't care about friends or partner they just use them as feeling good suppliers and often prey on more vulnerable people. :(

 

Keep away from him. You see if you leave your door open and you feel the cold getting in there are no other ways you have to close the door. As even if you increase the heating it would be wasted. ;)

 

Nothing wrong with saying Hello one of my friend met her husband (who is very shy) because they started chating after he said hello to her in the street.

 

Take care.

 

Malika.

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I also always smile at folks and say morning or hello even if i dont know them.Its called being freindly nice and approachable.

 

 

I cant do with miserable folks who glare at yer and never let there face slip.

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Jonathan i think its great that you have worked this "friend" out for yourself,some people have such low self esteem that the only way they can make themselves feel big and important is to belittle everyone around them,it starts in childhood and unfortunatley it becomes a character trait rather than a protection mechanism,i would say the guy is probably very unhappy ad probably knows what he does but cannot stop himself now,i think saying hello to people is lovely,it makes me smile if someone i dont know says hello out of the blue,most people go around with their heads down and hurry on by as quick as they can,dont let the man put you off being a friendly person,some old people go for days without anyone talking to them and im sure your hello's have cheered quite a few people up!!Maybe your local council run a befriending scheme,where they will hook you up with a lonely old person who you go and chat to and maybe help them out a bit,perhaps that would be good for you to work on your social skills and help you feel more comfortable in company?you seem a very nice guy with alot to offer,dont let anyone tell you otherwise >:D<<'>

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Guest hallyscomet
KSASNIC said: To me it sounds like this chap has a few problems with who he is.. wanting to be perhaps a bit more outward going like you but yet just can't make the jump- for you its more natural - as you say just something you do...some people might see you doing stuff so effortlessly that they get a bit jealous over... now it could be this or it could just be he's having a bad day,

 

I agree, sounds like he could use some Anger Management, then he might like himself a bit more, instead of putting his negative emotions out there. Perhaps he needs a hobby, life is boring to him.....coming out in complaints.

 

Jonathan, you are brilliant, and cool and very good looking as one of the girls asked you about your Avatar >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

There is a saying

 

What you FOCUS on grows

FOCUS on friendship = friendship grows

FOCUS on loneliness = loneliness grows

FOCUS on hatred = hatred grows

 

 

So say I Jonathan am Focusing on being A Powerful, Vital, Intelligent, Magnificent, Happy, Creative, & Fun Loving Human Being :D:D:D I alway have choice, :D

 

WHAT YOU FOCUS ON GROWS GROWS GROWS

 

Cheers :D

Hailey

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I agree, sounds like he could use some Anger Management, then he might like himself a bit more, instead of putting his negative emotions out there. Perhaps he needs a hobby, life is boring to him.....coming out in complaints.

 

Jonathan, you are brilliant, and cool and very good looking as one of the girls asked you about your Avatar >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

There is a saying

 

What you FOCUS on grows

FOCUS on friendship = friendship grows

FOCUS on loneliness = loneliness grows

FOCUS on hatred = hatred grows

So say I Jonathan am Focusing on being A Powerful, Vital, Intelligent, Magnificent, Happy, Creative, & Fun Loving Human Being :D:D:D I alway have choice, :D

 

WHAT YOU FOCUS ON GROWS GROWS GROWS

 

Cheers :D

Hailey

 

Hailey, think that is very good advice.

 

Wish it would work for me though :( , I'm focussing on being a size 10 but it isn't working yet :P

 

Lauren

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I spoke to Mum about it earlier because she is a good judge of character and has often told me in advance that someone isn't good for me

 

Today I spoke to her about him and she said "I've never liked him, I was afraid you'd hang around and become very unhappy and I didn't want to say anything because you would feel I was interfering but I can see you're getting better at discerning who's good for you and who isn't. You're learning. Now stay away as he's trouble."

 

 

See - mum knows best! I'm ought to keep this quote as proof!

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I have a father in law who sounds just like this guy. He is extremely insecure and deals with it by putting down everyone he meets in order to make himself feel better. In the 20 years I've known him he hasn't had a single friend, the only people he talks to are in the pub. A few times when we've gone to the pub together and I've stayed on when he left (to get a break and relax), folks have bought me drinks out of sympathy :thumbs:

Early on he told me "there are 2 types of people in the world, those who are afraid of you and those you are afraid of" :blink: Like most sensible people I don't see the world that way, so 20 years on he's still trying to make me scared of him :lol:

Well done for recognising what was going on - I bet your mum was glad - and proud :thumbs:

If you say hello and are friendly to people, they will tend to respond the same way; the same if you are scared or agressive. So stick with being friendly - you will make friends. I do it, and most folk respond with a smile (though not bouncers, security guards or postmen, for some reason), but I wouldn't suggest using Com's (my son) technique of greeting everyone with "Hello, stange person" - it appears that strangers don't like being called 'strange'. :lol:

 

Good luck from a fellow recluse

 

nemo

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