Jump to content
007paul007

Autistic children in care

Recommended Posts

Carol, >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

It's lovely to 'see' you again, I missed you. You are one brave and courageous lady, it must have been so difficult making the decision to let someone else care for your child.

 

Giving up your child to foster placement is sometimes not because you dont love them but because you do love them.

 

How very true!!! You acted in the best interests of your child, you have my respect.

 

Hopefully things will now improve.

 

Love

 

Nellie >:D<<'>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing your very sad and difficult experience here.You are a brave woman who did the best she could in a hard situation.I was very fortunate to find some good support at a critical time a few years ago and had an understanding OH who stuck with me.Had I not had the help at that time I don't know what I would have done.Too many mums reach a point where they can no longer cope because they are stressed and isolated.I hope the next few days go well.Regards Karen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't post much anymore but I just wanted to say that it is great to hear from you Carol. Although we have never "spoken" I have read a lot of your posts in the past.

 

You sound like an amazing woman and I really hope things improve.

 

>:D<<'>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't post much anymore but so glad to see you back .You were here when I first joined.

 

Hope things continue to improve for you. You're post really touched me and after reading it I can only say that you are a good mother and I have the utmost respect for you and your decision. May life give you all you wish for .Take care.

 

Theresa

Edited by asereht

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Carol,

Your post really touched me. I have often wondered where you were. You were one of the first to welcome me to this site.

I hope things start to lighten for you, it sounds as though you have been to hell and back.

Take care and keep in touch.

Love Lorainex

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Carol

 

It's great to 'hear' from you again - it's been a long time, and a very hard one for you. Your courage shines out, and your love for your children in intolerable circumstances. You're said that the key to parenting our children is to be positive, but you have to superhuman to be positive in the face of your difficulties, and I'm sure you made the only proper decision - all my best wishes for the next few days.

 

Elanor

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My children also nearly ended up in care. T was 4, the Twins were 6 months old and my ex walked out on us. I managed to keep going for 2 months - I was getting just a few hours sleep a night in 30 minute sessions, having to deal with solictors, try to explain to T why Daddy wasn't here anymore - I didn't even have time to deal with what had happened myself. A week before Xmas, I was unable to get out of bed - I had a complete breakdown. My doctor forced SS to get involved - we had a meeting - I said I needed a complete rest to get some sleep, to eat and to get my head straight. My ex said he had plans for Xmas and couldn't have them - SS said the only alternative was for them to go into foster care (this woudl have been over Xmas). They thought I woudl say no, but I said OK - I was that desperate. Luckily my ex decided to change his plans and he had the kids. I saw them for a few hours on Xmas Day.

 

T went to residential school when he was 11 - if he hadn't, something drastic woudl have happened. Things had got very bad over the years. If there had been some repite or playschemes available, maybe he wouldn't have had to be residential (though it was probably the best school for him anyway). The summer hols are difficult enough to get through - when I went away for three days, it was very tempting not to come back.

 

It is not just coping with the child, it is all the other stuff that comes with it (dla forms, dealing with benefits agencies, fighting with education, fighting with SS, forms and paperwork) that makes it so demanding.

 

Karen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Carolj

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I remember your posts when I first joined this forum as sensible, witty and very wise. I did wonder where you disappeared to!

 

I feel humbled by your post. You are obviously a strong, determined and fab parent.

 

You and your family deserve to be allowed to live a happy and stable life; lets all hope that SS will continue to work FOR you (because basically that's what they should be doing) and provide the resources that will allow you to achieve what you deserve.

 

Hope you have a great time with your son and that one day you can all be together and enjoy life.

 

Take care and best wishes

 

Flora (used to be Lauren) X

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi CarolJ

 

People that judge you haven't a clue what you've gone through. So much of what you've said really struck a chord in terms of relating to how difficult life can be with a child on the spectrum (in particular, one that needs full-time supervision). Have to say that there are some characteristics that your son and mine share. I think you're so brave. You've certainly not taken the easy option (because there isn't one!). You've done what you've felt is right and I really really hope that things work out for you. My son's care/social worker said to me that they always looks out for the mother because the mother is the rock - but we're not invincible and do run out of steam.

 

Lots of hugs and best wishes.

 

Take care.

 

Keep us posted and let us know how you're doing.

 

Caroline.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Carol,

 

Just wanted to add that I was deeply touched by your post and wish you and your children all the very, very best. I think the decision you made took alot of courage. >:D<<'>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Carol, your post has moved me to tears. You've made the hardest decision for all the right reasons.

 

I hope this week goes well for you, keep us updated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's good to see you back, Carol. I too remember you as one of the stalwarts of the forum way back when I first joined, and even before that when I used to lurk here.

 

Thanks for sharing your incredible story. I really hope life starts to get better for you all very soon.

 

K x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everyone thought I would just say thank you all for your kind words and understanding. This is not something i am proud of. My son has been home for 2 days and so far everything is fine. His dad is coming over each evening and I can say he is very happy.

 

I voiced my concerns over the impact this may have on my son my social worker seemed to have the impression that he "is fine" - i was very angry because its almost as if she doesnt seem to think he has any feelings or thoughts of his own and I know for a fact that he sometimes gets very sad when he is thinkign of things - I said just because he cant talk doesnt mean to say he doesnt have feelings in fact how much more confusing must his emotions be (major guilt trip here) :(

 

Am going to see how he is on Sunday when the Foster Parents get back from Florida. If he is upset and doesnt want to go then I am going to keep him with me.

 

Whilst he is at school and we have a daily routine and he has something to do he is fine. Its just when he gets bored he gets into mischief!

 

Thanks again folks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An update

 

Well things r gone very well this week my son has been an absolute diamond, funnily enough I have been at a low ebb in myself I guess I was drained, felt physically weak and struggled to find the strength to manage. I think I was at a crisis point within myself. Not because of my son but because of how i felt about things in general.

 

A couple of times this week my son has displayed some heartbreaking behaviour which really got to me. he has a social story a picture book of myself, my daughter and our house which he is given to help himunderstand where he is going. This book is so worn its fallen apart. The foster parent told me that she has problems gettign this off of him when he gets back there.

 

I have been using pics of his school and (our house) to show him that he would come home here. At first he wasnt happy to go to school and played up maybe he thought he wouldnt come home.

 

What he did was get he picture the "first and then" story board of school and (our house) and walked about and kept giving it to me. I then saw he had lined up all the pages of the picture book significantly the school was at the beginning. Whilst he was doing this he was sobbing. In fact i caught him a few times sobbing to himself so i really do worry about the emotioanl impact all this is having on him. It must be so confusing for him. The regular foster pareents went to florida and he spnt a week with another family which i dont think he was 100 per ent happy with as they had kids of their own and i worry bout S being taken advantage of cos he cant talk he cant defend himself and he normally hits out if somone annoys him. Of course he is the one who gets into trobule. The regular foster parent also has her grandson alot when her daughter goes to work, whos two around S a lot, she once said to me S doesnt like to share his toys does he? S has never had a problem with sharing his toys. I often wonder if my non-verbal son is being victimised, because lets face it i bet they dont watch him 24/7 and S is not able to tell me, but he has reurned with two of his fav toys missing from holiday respite carers and when i phoned the foster parent was quite defensive, insisting that HER boys dont like CARS! But it was two of the chief characters from the movie Mcdonalds ones. I had simply asked her did she know where they were? She insisted they ahd been packed but they hadnt. Report back from SS was everything was wonderful - yet when i showed S the pics of family and got him dresse dhe was soo upset. You know what the foster parent tells me and what SS hear are two different things!!!

 

Also when S cries he says No No No No this is when he is sobbing. So whats really going on? I am goign to ask FP on sunday exactly how he gets along with grandson and i will know by her face whats going on.

 

During the week when my son is at school things are great, we have routine and he is happy and easy to manage. The weekends and school holidays are the worst times for him. The break in routine and the boredom and keeping him entertained.

 

I remember having a conversation with the head of my sons ASD school ages ago about how difficult school hols in particular were. She said that they had noticed a pattern in the HFA kids whose behaviour and anxiety levels would worsen coming up to school hols. She asked them why and they said they didnt like the school hols. I suppose its the break in routine I know the importance of this especially when dealing with kids like my son. So I guess whats needed is some sort of summer school. I dont know name of it but i remmeber when i was little in the school hols we were sent to a school to give my father a break (he was a lone parent). Nothing like this is offered? I wonder if anyone knows of them. I know they do have holiday playschemes but for ASD kids they are far and few between and usually booked up months in advance :(

 

Maybe a bit of investment in schemes to keep a routine for kids would stop families reaching crisis levels. As for family holidays forget it.

 

We once attempted Florida with my son what a complete nightmare he hated every second of it :(

 

he was only happy by the pool in the hotel. It was a long way to go for a swim lol!

 

Anyway am waiting for the foster parents to turn up on Sunday so see how S reacts. If he is too distressed I will keep him here. I have spoken to the social worker who said oh hes bound to be upset since he hasnt seen them for a while (like he is a retard or something my son has brilliant long term memory and he remembers people and how they treat him - although I appreciate her help I feel seems to think that I should be harder on my son. She keep banging on about routine routine.

 

Its difficult with your own child to be strict. The Foster parents are strict with him and he responds but I feel that his personality and zest is not being allowed to be expressed to the full. FP also told me she was unwilling to have S long term because she wouldnt manage. When he comes to me he usually goes crackers for the first night and then calms down. Its almost like he holds it all in and lets off steam. Of course this made me feel as it is my parenting :(

 

I seem to remember reading threads on kids havign meltdowns on returning from school - the fitting into school routine and activities causes almost a build up of emotions and feelings and they explode when they get home relaxed in their own environment allowed to vent.

 

Mind you we all do this to a certain extent, its called unwinding.

 

Both my ex and I are having a meeting on 14th of sept with social worker to agree to some concrete arragenements. I requested this because my ex has a habit of being unreliable and having someone else there might make him realise the way it has to be. Although this week he has been good, although he has driven me crackers cos he annoys me :(. I feel as if I want to move on (selfish???) but if I am not happy how can i make my kids happy?

 

My son is lovely, and I have enjoyed him so much this week, even though I have not been in the best of health I managed so things r looking good :)

 

I managed to download a copy of CARs for him and we have spent a whole week watching this movie he loves it, his fav things CARs trucks with faces too :) I even managed to buy him MACK truck off Ebay and he is absolutely made up with this. He came in from school today and i had it on the bottom of the stairs and his face was like :o:D - he hasnt let go of it since lol! He even took it to bed with him. The truck opens up like the micro city cars and he loves stuff like that :X

 

Take care all xxx

Edited by CarolJ

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Carol, >:D<<'>

 

It's great to hear that you have had a good week with S but it must be heartbreaking to watch him so upset. :( I feel for you, you have been put in this position through no fault of your own.

 

 

The one thing that stands out, is the fact that S is happy at school, he seems to have the understanding, routine and continuity that he needs. Have you ever considered a weekly boarding school? There are some great ASD specific schools out there, the staff would have the expertise to meet his needs, they would get time off, holidays, pay, sick leave, training, support and are likely to be committed to what they are doing. You would hopefully be dealing with people who understood S, you could become an equal partner to enable S to have the same 24 curriculum between home and school.

 

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn but the situation you and your family are in is not ideal, it's obviously upsetting for you all. Remember you know your son better than anyone, I know you have his best interests at heart.

 

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you.

 

Nellie >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hiya sparkles -

 

Glad the week went well for you both... >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

I can understand how heartbreaking it must be to see S's distress at the thought of going back to the foster people, but I'm sure this has more to do with his desire to stay with you than it is a reflection of the care he is receiving from them. That's a completely natural response on S's part, but while that aspect is upsetting it's also a fact that the fostering respite is providing the space that allows you both to focus on the positives when you are together... I think you both need that space and perspective, even if the support services on offer don't seem ideal :(

 

I think S's anxiety about the toing and froing is going to be a major factor in his behaviour, but you are doing everything you can with the story board/ photo's/pecs etc to make those transitions as stress free and predictable as you can. I think sometimes we go really hard on oursleves because our best doesn't seem good enough -and you KNOW that kind of negativity is pointless/self destructive! :shame::shame:

 

Routine, routine, routine: Again, it must be really, really hard to see things being taken too far the other way for S when you know that he can cope with a degree of change. Having said that, though, so much of his world is in a state of flux at the moment that he probably is taking comfort from that extra level of 'security'. Even if it's hard to swallow personally, at the moment I'd say that was the way to go, and you can reintroduce the flexibility slowly and steadily (or not, as the case may be) as the situation becomes more established and predictable for him...

I'm fairly sure in previous posts and stuff we've talked about 'Islands of safety' - the fact that kids like ours DO need predictable, 'safe' events at various points in their daily routines to reassure them. The amount of 'islands' and the distances between them varies hugely from child to child, but even with a fairly adapatable kid it's very evident that major changes demand more reassurances to compensate, and while you want things at home to be more how they were for S the chances are all the other stuff is making that impossible right now :(

 

Hope none of the above comes across as 'teaching granny' - you know that's not how it's intended, and if I have put a foot wrong just give me a slap and forget it! :lol::lol:

 

Very VERY best for that meeting with SS on the 14th :pray:>:D<<'>

 

CARS: If S has got any sort of games console it might be worth investing in the game of it...If he can carry that with him from one place to another it might provide a really good 'island'. The other plus is it's such a 'big' thing that the foster people couldn't possibly object to you asking after it at handovers - unlike the McD freebies...

 

L&P, as always

 

Baddad (CC!) :D>:D<<'>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back, ASM Woman! >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Really sorry to hear you have been through such tough times, but glad that you are coming through, hun >:D<<'>

 

Hope you stay around :D

 

Bid (AKA The Female Inquisitor :wacko: )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The one thing that stands out, is the fact that S is happy at school, he seems to have the understanding, routine and continuity that he needs. Have you ever considered a weekly boarding school? There are some great ASD specific schools out there, the staff would have the expertise to meet his needs, they would get time off, holidays, pay, sick leave, training, support and are likely to be committed to what they are doing. You would hopefully be dealing with people who understood S, you could become an equal partner to enable S to have the same 24 curriculum between home and school.

 

Nells I have asked for this twice and the foster parent also agreed with me perhaps it would be better for scottie. Also at S's last review the Head mistress suggested Residential School as an option.

 

Foster Care is pot luck :( - SS have said that they feel S is too young S is only 6 will be 7 in October. They feel that that he needs a primary female carer.

 

The school he attends has opened up a residential part to the school but its based in Northampton. I would be willing to make the move to northampton so that i could work closely with the school and they do offer holiday schemes too.

 

The one he attends at the moment is only during term time and no holiday schemes. They are very very helpful but alas i am not in the same area. I would be happy for him to attend a day-based school to, with me workign closely with school so that home transition is easier. I think eventually S will need residential placement unless he improves dramatically :( - I would rather start preparing for that day now. To make the transition for S a lot easier.

 

Emma now she has ASD dx coudl also attend School, how wonderful would that be to have both kids attending same school :D

 

Thanx Nells great Suggestion :thumbs:

 

I think S's anxiety about the toing and froing is going to be a major factor in his behaviour, but you are doing everything you can with the story board/ photo's/pecs etc to make those transitions as stress free and predictable as you can. I think sometimes we go really hard on oursleves because our best doesn't seem good enough -and you KNOW that kind of negativity is pointless/self destructive! shame.gif shame.gif

 

BD u r right, I know its going to be difficult (probably more so for me than S) but if I am seen to be acting on spur of emotion impulsive then that doesnt look good you know how these things r viewed. I have to be seen to be acting and actively planning. Up until now I didnt really have a clear agenda for the future. But I think Nells Brightspark idea of Residential may just be the key to this. Scotts Foster Placement is temporary. So eventually if he were to stay in care he would have to move to another family :( This is not good and i dont want that for S :(

 

I am in temporary accommodation so evenutally i will have to move. I think the family situation of being in such a limbo has had a bad effect on all of us.

 

no offence taken BD, You speak the truth :D

 

Hey Female Inquisiter - bring on the spandex we r back in business !!!!!

Edited by CarolJ

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nells I have asked for this twice and the foster parent also agreed with me perhaps it would be better for scottie. Also at S's last review the Head mistress suggested Residential School as an option.

 

Foster Care is pot luck - SS have said that they feel S is too young S is only 6 will be 7 in October. They feel that that he needs a primary female carer.

 

Carol,

 

It might be worth discussing your situation with the NAS Education Advocacy. You would then be in a position to make an informed decision now or in the future.

 

Hey Female Inquisiter - bring on the spandex we r back in business !!!!!

 

All we need now is Pookie!! :ph34r: If we shout really loud, she might hear us.

 

POOKIE!!! WHERE ARE YOU???

 

Nells. xx :wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
>:D<<'> Hi Carol...........theres a fantastic school in my town for autistic kids , it,s residential , they are in the paper alot doing fund raising etc.Just opened a new pool there. :notworthy: .You,ve been through such alot , stay strong >:D<<'> hugs suzex

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
>:D<<'> Hi Carol...........theres a fantastic school in my town for autistic kids , it,s residential , they are in the paper alot doing fund raising etc.Just opened a new pool there. :notworthy: .You,ve been through such alot , stay strong >:D<<'> hugs suzex

 

Hi suze which town is that?

 

Thought i would update you S has just left foster parents came to get him but we all stuck together and S was very calm and happy, didnt play up as I feared :). He was an angel. Had a long discussion with the foster parents, about dietrary management and possibly increasing time S spends with me during the week when he attends school.

 

Had a couple of shakey moments this week but that was because of me not because of S. I think now I have to focus on what plans for the future. I am currently in the process of writing an email to my social worker setting out some targets I hope to achieve. I have a meeting with her on Wednesday. There is a meeting on 18th to discuss scotties foster placement with a view to drawing up long term plans. I will also be contacting NAS tomorrow (thanks Nells) to get some advice re residential school long term.

 

I am gradually getting my head together and i will take a while. I had fallen into a trap of taking painkillers for Migraine headaches which contained condine. I got to a point where i was taking more than was recommended - Codiene can be addictive :( - It was through talking to a girl from another site who highlighted me to the fact long term use of OTC painkillers which contain condine can cause problems with moods swings etc.!! Depression!!! (She is now a consellor and told me that her codine habit had been combined with Alchohol :o) She had to go and dry out somewhere!!! I stopped cold turkey and I went through the most horrendous aches n pains ever like i had flu for about 2 weeks. Three weeks on I am feeling human again. I also started back on prozac that the doctor had given me ages ago. From looking on the net I have seen that this is a common problem these days, so i guess i am not alone. Codiene turns to opiate/morphine like substances in blood stream!!!! - just thought i share this as I know of other mums not necesarily mums of ASD kids who taken painkillers a lot (females are more likely to have a problem). Just a warning to people to be aware. I thought that just because I bought them OTC they were okay! - everything is moderation is fine!

 

Well I thought i would be in bits after S left but I am feeling very positive for the first time in a long long time. Iam looking into gf/cf dietrary management too. I know I am in good hands on this site. Both my two's diet consist of these banned foods :( I spoke to the FP about it and said i would look into the tests from ARU Sunderland (which I never got round to doing). Up till now I have just drifted with no long term plans for the future. I now need to set out some long term goals in order to keep my son where he belongs at home!

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I guess I did the right thing, I dread to think what would have happened had i not have done, and even though I knew I had done the right thing for all our sakes, it still tore me apart - that was the most destructive thing of all :( the self-flageration - we are our own worst enemies sometimes! Away Guilt get thee behind me!!!

 

Cya peeps :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

((((Carole))))

 

I don't know you & I am not massively regular to this site, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing the very best that you can possibly do in a horrible situation. I think you're amazing. I hope this all resolves & works out well for you and yours.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CarolJ

 

I am really pleased hugely impressed that you appear to be coming out of the other side of what must have been a nightmare time for you.

 

Sometimes the really hard thing to do is admit you need help rather than struggle on alone. I think you are a stronger person and a better mother than you realise.

 

Simon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Carol,

 

You are an inspiration to everyone on here as you have hit rock bottom, with absolutely no support, and you have called the shots to turn this very unfortunate situation around. >:D<<'>

 

I just pray for you that something really good comes to you out of this situation. You deserve to be happy and what Nellie and Baddad are saying is we are all amazed how you have come through all this, so much stronger, wiser, determined. Your children are very lucky to have you as you are a wonderful loving caring mum. You have survived through the darkest, hardest moments, and you kept putting one foot in front of the other, you never gave up. :wub: I just wanted to say I think you are marvellous >:D<<'>

 

:wub::)

Edited by Frangipani

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...