Keeping it together

[Guest hallyscomet]

Just found this

 

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2092-2069713,00.html

 

Hailey

[madmooch]

Sounds like me and hubby that Apart from me being artistic and flaky

Still waiting for the happy ending though

 

Very interesting though, i was quite shocked at 4 out of 5 marraiges failing

 

 

Clare

[justamom]

Sounds like me and hubby that Apart from me being artistic and flaky

Still waiting for the happy ending though

 

Same here Madmooch - i could have written this report the thing that i most identify with is the following quote:-

 

What I wanted was for Alastair to join me in my mission to help Nicholas. Looking back, I realise that what divided us was not so much the pain we were suffering as a result of the diagnosis, but our opposing positions on what to do in the face of it. I had always considered myself unfocused, a bit cowardly, but it turned out that when it came to my children I had ferocious attention and would back down at nothing.

-

 

This is the area that hubby and I have the most arguments about, I find that i am always fighting in K's corner, researching and sticking up for him and he says "let him get on with it, he has to grow up"... Its hard to get the balance correct - like i have said before we agree to disagree...

 

A teacher at the special school where i work told me about the statics of the marriages that break down. I was also shocked to think that 4 out of 5 breakdown.

 

Justamom

[UltraMum]

i was quite shocked at 4 out of 5 marraiges failing

Clare

 

This seems to be an often quoted statistic but I researched this as part of the literature review for my degree - there are no studies or statistics to back it up ... Leimbach also says

Studies indicate that for children with autism, the number of single-parent families is nearly double the national average

 

the best I could come up with was ...

 

A study by Duarte et al (2005) reports that

 

"parents of children with autism ? are themselves at high risk of presenting mental health problems".

 

Searching the internet (Google) for the divorce rate for parents of children with autism gives figures of 70-90% although, when followed up there is no evidence cited for these figures.

 

 

Diagram 1. Google search result re divorce rates in parents of autistic children

Reliable studies on divorce statistics are rare but one aspect can be inferred from other studies ? that of lone parents whose children have autism. In a study by Bromley et al (2004) of 68 mothers, 31% were lone parents; 27% were lone parents in a mental health study (Green et al, 2005) compared with 24% nationally in the same year (Social Trends 35).

 

http://firstclass.ultraversity.net/%7Eeve....literature.html

 

 

I must get out of degree mode!

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi,

 

I guess thats why keeping things in balance is important. Stress Management and communication. Allowing ourselves some time out.

 

I think being isolated and not having anyone to talk to would have been a huge factor. As most families have said in the past their families go into denial - so where is the support.

 

Having forums like this would make such a huge difference to families coping with it. So lets hope those statistics start to go down. As there is more support around these days and better hands on education.

 

I think that is half the battle

 

What do you think?

 

Hailey

[UltraMum]

I agree - people who understand are vital - when I was really down (last two years ) I shut myself away from support - but that was the wrong thing to do - this forum was my lifeline when I found it last June

[Guest hallyscomet]

I agree - people who understand are vital - when I was really down (last two years ) I shut myself away from support - but that was the wrong thing to do - this forum was my lifeline when I found it last June

 

 

Hi Mother eve,

 

I don't think I have felt at peace within myself either, until I found this forum. Its put put the word cope or coping into community support, spirit,... no longer isolated. This forum is part of my "coping skills" I am much happier in myself and don't feel so isolated anymore.

 

Like the Poem 'Welcome to Holland" my family are the ones living in Italy, bragging about it, so I pushed them away, so I am very happy that I met all you people in Holland. I think you are much much nicer.

 

Love

Hailey <'> <'> <'>

 

for those of you that don't know the poem "Welcome to Holland" I have posted it in the next post.

Edited April 4, 2006 by hallyscomet

[Guest hallyscomet]

WELCOME TO HOLLAND by Emily Perl Kingsley.

 

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

 

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to

help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how

it would feel. It's like this......

 

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You

buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo

David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very

exciting.

 

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you

go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says,

"Welcome to Holland."

 

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed

to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

 

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must

stay.

 

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full

of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

 

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.

And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

 

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after

you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin

to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

 

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about

what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's

where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream

is a very very significant loss.

 

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be

free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

 

 

=================================================

 

Just have to add Jonathan's response here as it was beautiful smile.gif

 

QUOTE

JONATHAN: *puts on clogs and dances among the tulips* smile.gif

 

 

This post has been edited by hallyscomet: Feb 22 2006, 05:06 AM

[UltraMum]

There's a follow up to the Holland piece....

 

Celebrating Holland - I'm Home

A follow up to Welcome to Holland, by Cathy Anthony

a parent, advocate and Executive Director of The Family Support Institute in Vancouver

 

"I have been in Holland for over a decade now and it has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned. I reflect back on when I first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger, and the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years I tried to get back to Italy, my planned destination, but Holland was where I was to stay. Today, I can say how far I've come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more, but this too has been a journey of time.

 

I worked hard; I bought new guidebooks; I learned a new language, and I slowly found my way around this new land. I have met others whose plans changed, like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends.

 

Some of these fellow travellers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many encouraged me; many taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I discovered a community of caring - Holland wasn't so bad!

 

I think that Holland is used to wayward travellers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, assist and support newcomers. Over the years, I have wondered what life would have been like if I had landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today?

 

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and, at times, I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. Yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift. I have learned to slow down in ways too, and look closer at things with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its tulips, windmills and Rembrandts. I have come to love Holland and call it Home.

 

I have become a world traveller and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land; what is more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely things that Holland, or any land, has to offer. Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned yet I'm thankful, for this destination has been richer than I ever could have imagined!"

Edited April 4, 2006 by MotherEve

[Guest hallyscomet]

<'> <'> <'> thanks Eve, thats exactly how I feel. <'> <'> <'>

[lyns]

Hi

 

Thanks for reminding me of that poem. I so love it, it really hits home to me.

 

Thanks again

[Guest hallyscomet]

I <'> will bump it up as the poem does deserve bumping <'> <'> <'>

[Guest hallyscomet]

Oh, I couldnt resist bumping this old topic. Especially because of the replys and poems that came on board.

 

Love

H.

<'>

[barefoot wend]

I love Holland.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Like Jonathan said

 

QUOTE: Put your clogs on and dance among the tulips.

 

I would like to add - The people here are blessed. ASD had enriched my life, and the people I have met in Holland.

 

H.

[DaisyProudfoot]

Oh, I couldnt resist bumping this old topic. Especially because of the replys and poems that came on board.

 

Love

H.

<'>

 

I agree Haley if its relevant then its not old. The article in The Times sums up the way many relationships progress followed diagnosis for any situation.

 

Like the writer I too went all out to improve the relationship we as a family had with Martin - I found this forum - I found the NAS - I found lots of things. My hubbs let me do all the research and I passed things on to him and the rest of the family. We never drifted apart because we're not that sort of people but the research worked, Martin has improved in many ways, while many are still a daily battle

[CarerQuie]

Thank you.The follow up poem says it all.xx

[jools]

when the asd outreach lady came to see me this week she quoted this poem.

its nice to read it in full and read the follow up