Looking after yourself

[Guest hallyscomet]

ge.

Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[florrie]

halleyscomet , sending you loads of hugs, my thoughts are with everyone who has ever felt like this.

[Suze]

<'> don,t know what to say , but it sounds like you,ve had some really tough times,and your a very brave mum,take care Hailey.........big hug from this side of the world.

[Lautre]

Hello Hailey, I too (as Im sure many of us) have 'been there'. Im also on ADs, felt and sometimes continue to feel like a failed mum and I couldnt even get that right! I know in my heart it's not the best way, but sometimes I feel there is no alternative. Everything is an uphill struggle, one thing comes after another, but then there are happy occasions, when the kids have been nice to each other and no one has got cross for part of the day,when theyve tried being helpful around the house or even going to bed on time (even if they arent sleeping!). I am learning not to keep looking at the negative, but when there is little support it is very difficult. Just knowing there are others that feel like me does make it feel better in a strange way. It just makes me feel like im not the only one who cant cope. Im sorry to drone on, but unless someone has been in a persons shoes they wouldnt even begin to know how one is feeling. As for "coward", well I cant write what I think about that comment as it would be unprintable.

[bugbug]

You look after yourself. We all try are hardest and we all feel that we are the first ones to blame where are children are concerned. I have guilt that I can't understand but it's there and if I can't improve on the guilt where am I.

 

I hope you are ok and I send my deepest wishes to you and everyone else on the forum cause even if tonight is a good night theres always tomorrow.

[melly]

Well said hallyscomet, you've obviously been thro your fair share, as have many on here, but its things like this forum that can keep us going feeling we are not alone.

 

Bugbug - similally even if today was bad, tommorrow may yet surprise you.

[Guest hallyscomet]

H.

Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[Guest hallyscomet]

H.

Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[florrie]

Halleyscomet, |I know someone who is doing research into left brain right brain stuff and trying to get scientists involved , some of it is extremely deep, but much of it is extremely interesting if you are interested in this topic, it also has a spiritual nature to it and by increasing right brain functioning we can feel less troubled, because the left brain has become more dominant over millions of years of evolution and there is a manuscript to download or read online at:-

 

www.kaleidos.org.uk

Edited April 20, 2006 by florrie

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi,

Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[florrie]

I felt really inspired by what you have written hallycomet, I have felt pretty much permanently suicidal since about 1992 prior to that I was always a fairly positive person, I always felt if i tried hard enough I would succeed, even though I never did I never gave up, eventually though because of buildup of a number of traumatic events including losing our home to massive negative equity debt in early 90s still paying back, and becoming homeless and my son having to come out of a private school that was meeting his needs and everything just spiralling dowhill and out of control, I had a breakdown which i don't think I've ever properly recovered from He was finally dx with autism when he was 9 but far from receiving support he just received prejudice, as I had already got inside his head to work out how he was processing information, and had wanted others( teachers etc) to understand that and couldn't understand why they didn't it was so obvious to me, I also realised I also had something very similar, after talking with his psychologist who was involved with research, and was probably related to why I had developed so much depression and powerlessness I realised that i also was perhaps on the spectrum although very mild, nevertheless I felt i had the right to have that acknowledged and felt perhaps people would then listen, after several years I did finally get it acknowledged by a very convoluted route that becaome obssessive in order to achieve it, in the hope it would bring understanding of asd instead of prejudice but it doesn't so now I regret it. I realise now I expect to much validation from people within the system who don't have a clue, instead of having faith in myself.

 

I feel terrible guilt and failure over my son's suffering,he can cope far less than I can but doesn't realise that, and has no insight, and think all his probs are attributed to having a useless mother, in a way he is right, but I Just was unable to cope and felt getting them acknowledged would help things move forward, and have currently got terrible fear that things are going to get worse as we have not communicated much since my suicide attempts 6 years ago, I was on loads of meds at the time, which I think contributed although i was depressed before I went on them, because they make you more likely to carry out the actions. I was trying to withdraw from them at the time, as they weren't working, I was struck of my gp list after suicide attempts and had my records manipulated and falsified which has probably prevented me shifting depression properly The fear is so bad i can't shake it and yet I know I have to try to be positive but it is so hard, because I feel any of the agencies that could help just have no understanding. and it just feels like banging head against a brick wall, I have found spiritual stuff, including dietary stuff, and understanding how the brain works the most helpful to me to try and go forwards, but it is so hard, because i think depression is more of a problem to me, but I will continue to try and go forwards positively, thanks for this thread, I feel so much for Alison and Ryan but part of me thinks well at least they are not suffering any more with having to go through this c**p, which is so soul destroying.

Edited April 21, 2006 by florrie

[florrie]

sorry the above post is negative, but I feel it is important that we can say how we feel, because it helps to be able to do that, and because it took me 8 years until i trusted a gp enough to tell them how I felt and then they didn't want to know, it seemed to freak them out and probably contributed to making me feel even worse, because I didn't understand why it is taboo, and afraid to say how I feel since. I do have moments of being positive and I know it is possible to find my way out it is just I'm not sure how to find my way out at present,because I feel so useless, and need to find something that would be interesting and useful

 

I find the stuff you posted inspiring halleyscomet so sorry if I'm a bit of downer with this, but your stuff is great.

Edited April 21, 2006 by florrie

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[mandyque]

Looking after yourself is, I have discovered, THE most important thing you can do for your child. Sounds odd but think of it this way: If you are fit and healthy then it's much easier to cope with your child, he/she gets your best efforts and everyone is happier. If you are ill it is a million times harder to cope and your child won't get your best.

 

This goes for mental health as well as physical, sometimes even more so. Mental health needs different types of exercise and care, we know how to stay physically healthy and people will understand a need to live a healthy lifestyle, but mental health takes what some would call selfishness. It's not selfish at all though, if you have a break, a good nights sleep, a long soak in the bath, an hour or two to listen to a good CD or watch a film in complete peace, whatever leisure activity you enjoy, you are better able to cope with the tough stuff. And our kids know how to deal out the tough stuff!

 

So when you feel guilty about handing care over to someone else, stop and think, your mental health relies on it and so does your child.

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[elaine1]

<'> oh you are so brave to do that, Im sure many ppl will benefit from reading it <'>

[florrie]

Thanks so much hailey, you are an inspiration, I was worried that I had been overtly negative, I don't want to make other people feel hopeless, it is difficult to get out quite what I intend or how I wanted it and sometimes anaylyse things in too much which detail is good in one respect as it gives me greeter understanding but can sometimes make one feel worse

 

I will look into the books suggested and thanks for being a shining light.

[mandyque]

Hailey what you talk about sounds very much the same as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Basically you are reprogramming the way you think and feel so that problems can be easier to overcome and you can have a more positive mental attitude. I have my first CBT appointment in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping that a similar thing will happen to me

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[Guest hallyscomet]

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[Melow]

I've never really considered couselling is a viable option, generally all they do is tell you, that only YOU can sort the issues out, WOW ! wonder how many years they spent in the universities bar working that out. We're still the only 'experts' available. We need respite options, GP/Consultant/mainstream awareness, control removed from LEA's to people who know what they are talking about, and a whole re-traning system for language therpists, psych workers in education and teachers too. We're still at ground zero in many areas. I would never use someone just because the LEA says they are expert, I'd check them out first, and refuse to use ones I don't consider qualified.

[Melow]

I've never really considered couselling is a viable option, generally all they do is tell you, that only YOU can sort the issues out, WOW ! wonder how many years they spent in the universities bar working that out. We're still the only 'experts' available. We need respite options, GP/Consultant/mainstream awareness, control removed from LEA's to people who know what they are talking about, and a whole re-traning system for language therpists, psych workers in education and teachers too. We're still at ground zero in many areas. I would never use someone just because the LEA says they are expert, I'd check them out first, and refuse to use ones I don't consider qualified.

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[Melow]

Each to his or her own I suppose. I recall the '60s and Kharma/love/peace and flower power, it spawned a nation of drug addicts, hence why I think a decent cup of tea is the most preferred option (And a good scream now and then !). Years ago people had no time for counselling, they didn't seem all that worse off for it. I've watched these people in action, and it is hard to stay awake and control the urge to to tell them to to stop being so silly. I recall one counsellor's quote, it went..... If a relationship has broken down there is nothing to talk about, if it works, there is STILL nothing to talk about America has more trick-cyclists and stress-controlists to the square inch than most, look at the mess THEY are in.... ergo I don't think they are viable options to most, they are still dependant on mothers little helper..... (Pills).

Edited April 28, 2006 by Melow

[florrie]

I have to say whilst I like the spiritual postitve aproach, counselling didn't work for me and made me even worsethan I was by saying my probs were my fault at the time we had lost our home my son was an undx autistic and it late turned out but I didn't know at the time that I was also asd with auditory processing probs and mixed receptive expressive language disorder, and wasn't able to critically think through the probs to discuss so they were misinterpreted, I have felt so desperate and difficulties in coping because of physiological information processing problems, but I believe there is notother way but to go forward as positively as one can, and we will all find different things to help us, none of us will be the same. Some people may find counselling helpful if it is by someone who understand asd, I find dietary stuff organic and vegan and my interest in neuroscience and learning processes one of the ways and my connection with other people that have similar interests.

 

I absolutely loathe Louise Hay, although I understand the bit where she is coming from when she says we must take responsibilityfor our own lives but it isn't that simple if you have an asd and a child with it and can't cope very well or get it recognised, the UK in my opinion is appalling for not dx and delay indx etc and a friend of mine who was a counsellor told a woman who was severely depressed to read louise hay and the woman read it and felt everything and her abusive childhood was her fault and she nearly attempted suicide.

 

I still think your stuff is great haily and appreciate where you are coming from, as I have found spiritual stuff not "hippy stuff" a comfort ,and think you are inspirational to have found a way to cope with probs but see the other side too, all of it needs to be taken into consideration

 

I have read most of the books you recommend, some of them are temporarily helpful, as I'm hyperlexia I started with reading learning procesess etc years ago went on to psychiatric text books when unwell which were the most unhelpful of all, books on autism and asd tohelp myson and realised I probably had it myself, then self help books and then followed raw food vegan diet and spiritual books, the ones Ilike best so far are

 

conversation's with God by Neale Donald Walsch

 

angel books by doreen virtue ex clinical psychologist

 

the celestine prophecy by james redfield

 

Autism and Asperger books by tony attwood pat howling and professor gillberg

 

The Indigo Children by Lee Carroll and jan tober clinical psychologists with a different way of looking at add children saying the new kids have arrived and they are here to teach the world lessons really positve could also apply to asd children I love this book,

 

Sunfood Success System David Wolfe

 

Spiritual nutrition by Gabriel Cousens

 

Animals in translation Using the mysteries of autism to decode animal behaviour Temple Grandin

 

Change you brain change your life DR Amen neruopsychiatrist who also connects things

 

Brain Allergies

 

All of these books are connecting things in our lives so that we have a deeper connection, I feel I can't eat animals that have been factory farmed and that farming animal that way is unbelivably cruel and then they are sent to slaughter house where they stress they go through and know they are going to die horribly and bears no resemblance to how we used to live and killed a wild animal for food. temple grandin also clearly understands this and connects to it by her invention to reduce the stress of animals going to slaughter, so they can't see what will happen to them. who said autistic people don't have empathy, themedical profession of course who actually are the ones who have no empathy for autistic people. The neurotypical world seems tothink it is ok to farm animals this wayand cause unbelievable pain and suffering so people can have cheap food

 

neuroscience books are my latest interest, with all the current research going on but it will change again probably the spiritual books are probably the most helpful and I do believe we are all spiritual beings but sometimes when you are very sensitive and there are such awful things in the world it is hard to see it that way, I've only got to observe animals such as elephant and dolphins to know that and it makes me so happy to observe animals in the wild, I feel so connected then..

 

I wonder why many autistic children speak for the first time when they interact with a dolphin , I think it is because there is a much deeper connection going on, I empathise with animals and observe things in them that others don't and despair at the way the world treats them.

 

The problem with modern society is that we are all disconected from what really matters, I don't know if many people will see where I'm coming from and when you are really stressed out , it can make people distressed or irritated because they are imersed in the detail and stress of everything I'm like that myself and aware of it and I understand that so I suppose I had better stop rambling.

 

I hope I have made a little sense and don't want to upset anyone , because people get very stressed on this forum with the problems which I understand having been throuugh it and still going through it which is why I also eventually found comfort with spiritual stuff, but it does seem to temporary rather than long lasting, theminute you have a probelm it all goes out the window, its fine as long as there are no probs to deal with

Edited April 28, 2006 by florrie

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[florrie]

Thanks for info Hailey, I agree with where you are coming from, I find a lot of these books really helpful too, Louise Hay was the first i read you can heal your life and it was recommended to me, about 10 years ago, at the time i before my son's dx and everything was a nightmare and to be honest I was not well at all at that point, and I tired really hard with the book but it just did not work and I just felt a failure because of it , however since then I have discovered loads of really lovely books that are really helpful, at present Ilike messages from your angels by Doreen virtue and funnily enough I was feeling really down and hoped for and inspiring message and just opened the book on a page and it opened on dolphins, and the next day i picked up a magzine all about swimming with dolphins and how most people who intereact with dolphins have life changing experiences. Another time a year or so ago i opened the book for a message when I felt suicidal and it opened on suicide, it i didn't put me off but it made me cry because it was so sensitive, I kid not, there is something in this for sure unless it is just a coincidence

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[florrie]

Thanks for info hailey, and for taking the time to post that info, I will llook in more depth at stuff you reccommended because anything that improves thing is great , and there are several things out there that help, LIndammodd bell offer learning programmes to improve processing of information, but I already do some of what you suggested anyway for years, my hyperlexia is how I get by if I didn't have that I don't think I would be able to function, althoughmaybe other neural pathways would have developed anyway i don't know, my narrow interests mean that when I read on something interested in it automatically goes to long term memory, if I read on something i'm not interested in Ihave no ability to recall anything,even a sentence for a 5 year old level, this problem does give me probs in having converstaions with people following telephone converstation etc, but when I read on something I'm interested in it is completely different , I have a photographic memory for the detail, most material I'm interested in is by professors of one discipline or another, whether animal behaviour, neuroscience, or learning processes, I still have probs probably taking in the whole of something., but I usually get there eventually, it just takes longer . I have difficulties making use of the skills I have in a productive way

 

I had a reading age of 15 when I was 2 and it is that that ability that masked my other probs, but I don't feel hyperlexia is my problem but the other problems that go with it, I need routines and narrow interests in order to make sense of things and function, and without that, that is what causes the chaos and of course trying to cope with getting the support that my own autistic son needed is what pushed me over the edge, and maybe did him just as much harm, but I didn't know what Iknow now at the time.

Edited May 1, 2006 by florrie

[Guest hallyscomet]

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Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet

[florrie]

Good point Hailey thanks for that, although I read all this stuff I'm so chock a block of info that is all jumbled up, that |I forgot that very important point about right brain stuff and doing things that stimulate that such as music or art or maybe just having fun, heaven forbid, I can't remember when that last was it is a distant memory but it must be possible.

[ann11]

Not a mother just a AS person that has had a difficult time. My mother - she didnt know how to help me I had to find my own way i learnt the hard way!. She had her own problems. As a child I tried suicide 3 times the third was the real attempt and it was the greatest feeling of peace I have ever had so far in my life. My mother didnt believe me after I woke up and I slept for a long time after. Psychiatrist after that .........eventually. It is a slow recovery from bad relationships being alone too early in the world and being vulnerable and prey to others having thier own interests at heart. Theres nowt like someone who wants to wallow in sh.. ! I nursed my mum before she died of cancer I had to walk away after 7mths and i had somekind of break down after... no pills (not legal ones anyway) just pain levels out of control (I have arthritis) and a wish to end it all. Through out life just the odd person has known or understood where Im coming from - they are out there I thank them all for helping me on my way.. Kind words by strangers even...

 

Those that attempt suicide are not stronger people as I once believed. Statistically we are more likely to attempt it again if under tremendous emotional strain/depressed. I did not know this. Its keeping the ###### away and the kind people around that is important. Making contact with those that can empathise and say somehting to help or cheer you up even if they havent been there. I took part in the Expert Patient Programme run by the NHS a voluntary run org worth a look for those with long term chronic illness - anything from depression to diabetes. To facilitate people to manage their own condition. No quick fix just a lot people discussing how to overcome small daily problems. Dealing with anything like this long term leads to depression/anxiety feeling low / call it what you like (anyone that says it doesnt is telling fibs - everyone likes to think theyre strong) but the course may be too general for some. It was useful for me.

 

At last I have come through it all. For me it is less of taking it day by day and more having occasional down periods to get through. I am working through the Artists Way book mentioned with a womens group so should be interesting but from what Ive read so far - its something I did already but it has a lovely way of putting things all in one book - so far so good. Having AS i rarely discuss problems with others but deal with it myself. I always wrote my thoughts down especially when a good idea came or after a difficult time. I wont go into recent bad time - that s for a different support group. Far too much for this site.

 

As for the use of drugs vs the natural way forward. I have tried every thing (most anyway) Ive tried acupunture,- dont waste your money , Meditation (the mind is a powerful thing great if you can use it it works for me if I do it often enough).Sport/exercise to release those endorphins (the things that make you feel good) in your body. Whatever does it for you Do it ... Whatever, lifts your spirit - as long as you dont get addicted and its not hurting you or anyone else. (Not fogetting that sometimes you have to stand up for your self ) Everyone is different and reacts in a different way to drugs /food (allergies can kill)/environment. Man/womankind have used drugs since time began. I have found that hidden meanings can be deciphered with the use of certain drugs. (These days I no longer ) And con overdo that thing. Conversations can be mulled over and figured out albiet often a bit too late - after a relaxing evening. I have learnt to do things on my own terms - and in my own time especially social events. I pick and choose what to go to and for how long. Anything else is too stressful. But why people get so hung up on the drug issue is beyond me. Try it and see. There is always a down side to taking drugs i mean medications / alcohol, but Living isnt easy for some . Its a question of weighing up the pros with the cons of medications - overdoing anything will hurt your head in the morning/have side effects. Antidepressants are the worst things ever to get off of I wont touch em -but apparently useful for some. It only masks the true feelings there and they have to come out eventually. In my experience antidepressants just stuff all the emotions down without dealing with the true root cause of the problem. I can terrify myself when I look at the side effects of the anti inflammitories I take but the risk is ridiculously small and the benefits great . Know you medication and know how much to administer. But try not to mention to other uneducated people that your kids are on medication. As people can always make silly assumptions largely due to lack of education/knowledge or media brainwashing,scaremongering.

 

I am feeling quite low tonight and I rarely send these thoughts out (I usually use them as a way of getting out what is in my head) as I know they wont be popular with many. I try and talk to people when Im coping better. But glass of wine in hand and my thoughts are spilling out on the page...Hell Im self medicating again....

And yes Im on top of things coping just and Yes I know alcohol is the worst thing for depression . I can hear the wagging fingers now.. Ive written my self happier already...

 

something my expartner said to me once quite harsh I thought at the time - that it is a crime not to enjoy life - that life is good and life is a gift. I now agree. But its taken me a long time to get there and the daily battle of suvival eventually leads to a more relaxed (this is the wine!) and a much more positive person. self indulgent and expensive cognitive therapy has got me here. This is no quick fix - It has taken me years... of self discovery. It can be done cheaply but a good and I say good as there are so many ones that are not so good out there - psycotherapist can realy help a persons understanding of themselves. But word of warning they can also mess up your head choose a good one and do your research .. Library books from a college good for backup .. So you know and have an understanding of how they work -- different people have different schools of thought - important you choose one thats good for you..

 

I digress I post this out there

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hailey

Edited July 23, 2006 by hallyscomet