Am I really that bad a person?

[Tylers-mum]

Responding to a thread on another ASD board I visit and I dunno, it's just making me question myself as a person.

 

In the last month alone, I have lost my relationship with one family member (my sister) and 2 friends all b/c they don't understand my son's Autism and how it affects him! I am so close to just packing everything in right now. Am I really that bad a person?? I love my son and fight tooth and nail to get what's right for him and that includes helping people understand Autism but they are either deaf or ignorant and too stuck up their own asses to realise that they are not in the right here!

 

Damn, I might as well quit contact with everyone I know and go lock Tyler and I in a secluded cabin in the mountains somewhere. At least there, no one could hurt me nor my son!

Edited April 25, 2006 by Tylers-mum

[bjkmummy]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

i think you need lots of these - i know exactly how you feel!!!! thank goodness for sites like this where you can talk to like minded people and evryone undstands exactly how you feel

[darky]

hi hun, sorry to hear you are having a tough time. i understand all too well. its stressful enough as it is raising a child like this. well meaning comment making snidy remark freinds we can all do without. since my younger 2 have been dx i have virtualy cut myself off from people who do not or will not understand.

i dont speak to my mum or one of my sisters, i lost a best freind of 20 yrs because of it. i think that when the realisation kicks in, i think we all alter our priorities and outlooks?? to hear someone banging on about how their hair dont look right or does my bum look big in this? is just too much sometimes when we have other things to worry about. dont beat yourself up. you are looking out for you and your family, good on you!

[mel]

<'> you are not a bad person. you are a wonderful caring mother who wants the best for her child. Nothing wrong with that. If your family and friends cared enough about you they would try and find out about autism and support you. if they cant do that then they aint worth the ground you walk on hun <'>

[annie]

<'> Tylers-mum <'>

 

Over the years, we've fallen out with friends and family members. To be honest, it was some of the best things we've done. It does make you feel bad at first, but now I'm just so pleased that I don't have to listen to all the snide remarks. I used to dread seeing any of them because of the looks and comments that were thrown our way if Alex did something out of the 'norm'. If they can't accept Alex for who he is, then it's their loss, not ours.

 

You're a great mum TM. Don't let anybody make you think otherwise <'> .

 

Annie

xx

[puffin]

Friends - family - don't always understand because they haven't been in your situation - they only know what they have experienced - and that doesn't include ASD

 

Do what you need to do - but never doubt yourself - you know your child best

 

xxx

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Tylers Mum

 

<'> <'> <'>

No you are not a bad person. You are a loving caring funloving person in the time I have got to know you on here.

 

I could have written what you wrote word for word too. Like Annie said it does hurt but after a while it gets better. Some people are just 'stupid' if that makes it feel any better. But they don't realise it and its not up to us to tell them..... its not their problem.

 

I love my life now and all the people I choose to have in it. My sister turned 50 the other day and I didnt send her a card or anything, that is unfortunate. But my sister was born a b**ch, and a chip on her shoulder, she has never liked me because she considered I had the looks and she got the brains. I accept now that my sister and I will never be friends. The important thing is, is that I am comfortable with that decision and it did take a lot of counselling to realise that I had to let go of this relationship because it was poison ivy. Eating me up.

 

I found looking out for mentors and this forum and finding new friends hobbies etc were very important to my survival and happiness. I felt like the black sheep of my family and I needed a counsellor to point out to me that I had done nothing wrong. My sister has a problem, she will never come saying oh I am sorry for the way I treated you. My counsellor recommended a really good book for anyone going through toxic relationships that are making them feel unhappy and unwell. Please have a look and go and talk to a counsellor for ongoing support like I did. It really helped me to be happy, without this help I would have reached for the anti depressants and luckily, talk therapy was the better option for me.

 

Like Annie said eventually you will be able to decide what to do.... but for right now don't worry about them. Just worry about you and your beautiful Tyler and remember you have many wonderful qualities.

 

The book I was going to suggest having been through this is the Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner look it up on Amazon, its brilliant.

 

Love

Haileyxx

[oracle]

TM <'> The cupboard is a cool place really ours is done out just the way we like it and I have never felt better since we took up residence in there and no I am not kidding, I really mean it. I chose to opt out because opting in was too painful for me. I knew that I would end up hitting my so called friends who made smart a**e comments that made me As for family well I am an only child so that was a bonus no siblings to stick their oars in. My Mam and Dad ( miss him like hell) have always accepted the boys warts and all so no problems there. Terry's family well least said the better - only this Sunday we had another HUGE row and outburst because of his daughter. Sometimes the cupboard is just to accessable to some people I need to buy a padlock

 

Does this make me a bad person Probably. Do I care Not any more.

 

Oracle

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Youre not a bad person youre a great mum doing whats best for youre son.Im a strong beleiver in no freinds are better than bad freinds.

 

Take care.

[Guest flutter]

<'> <'>

i think at some time we have all been where you are. You are not the bad person, it is the others

we have kids that need to be accepted "warts and all" and those we thought luved and cared for us cannot do that.

Even though i thought, were aceepting have in the past blown me away with their attitude.

I know i want a island or palnet werhe i can go with my little one, wehre she can have no stresses, and i do not feel a flakey mum, cos i am percieved not to dicipline her by ohters.

In the long run i hope your life will get better cos u sis is not in it,

you deserve it

 

We should not have to change, the rest of the world needs to be more acceptin

}I{ XXX

[Lynden]

:hug: TM - I'm sorry you are having such a rough time atm. It isn't you though - its everyone else. I think when you live with autism, its easier to understand it whereas when you just know someone has autism - you dont always get it. I know my family accept Logan is autistic, but they really dont have a clue of the long term implications of that.

 

Lynne x

[Flora]

TM... <'> Been there many times before. Sometimes I have fantasies about just shutting the world out and living our life totally independently of anyone else, including schools, some friends and family.

 

You are no way a bad person, you're just feeling the sting of dealing with people who can't or won't understand.

 

Lauren XX

[jayjay]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> you are a good mum and dont let anyone tell you differently

jayne xx

[CarerQuie]

(())

 

I cannot add much to what has already been said.Our priority in life has changed and it is all about meeting the needs of our child and having people accept them for the unique people that they are.xx

[Tylers-mum]

Thanks all for each and every one of your kind and caring replies.

 

I guess it's just hard b/c now that I really need their support, I don't get it or can't get it. I feel totally isolated and abandoned.

I had spoken to my sister for 19yrs b/c of an arguement, then we got back in touch about 2yrs ago and were very very close. Not a day went by when I didn't see her but her ignorance and stubborness to admit she's wrong is too much for me to take. Had a falling out about T trantruming (I posted about that) and Monday, T was brought home from after school club by her instead of the lasy who runs it. My sister made a comment to me that T had had a tantrum in the club (rubbing it in that she's right about it). Bet she didn't plan on me calling the club lady to check this out and guess what, HE HAD NO BLOOMING TANTRUM!!! She just lied to make herself feel better and to prove her point that he does tantrum a lot (b/c he is spoilt and gets his own way - NOT!!). An't spoken to my mother in over a year b/c she is all 'woe me' and I'm sorry but I have enough on my plate without having to deal with her moans and groans, especially when she says something only to then throws it back in your face later!

 

*Sigh* Life goes on eh!!

[Suze]

Hi Tm.......I can relate to a lot that you have written....we chose not to see some friends and several family members get right up my nose........(I just grin and bare it).One of the places I,ve really been understood was at a support group.The other parents there listen and don,t judge.The one I go to is very informal and we have started to plan picnics with the kids in the summer..........should be fun but at least if there are problems people will be understanding and won,t judge.I,d try to find some like minded parents in your area, just a thought.Take care <'>

[OPooh]

Sorry I'm late replying hun. Know how you feel <'> <'> <'> and you are a wonderful person just as long as you remember that.

[hev]

hello tm,is there room for 2 more in your secluded cabin in the mountains?!please,i would bring the nibbles no,seriously,i have fallen out with my sister over this,ive come to the point where ive had it with her spiteful comments,lifes hard enough,i can understand people not understanding autism,i only know about it cos of steve but rudeness,giving so called opinions on how to deal with steven,as if i havent tried it all i dont need,we dont need these people in our lives who make us upset,you keep strong,you not a bad person,you a loving parent like the rest of us on here,we just trying to do the best for our kids

[elaine1]

<'> If u were a bad person you wouldnt be here, you help a lot of ppl, there is nothing wrong with protecting yr son who else is going to do it?

[jb1964]

Hi Tylers-mum,

 

I too can relate exactly to what your saying and would say pretty much as everyone else has said - it's ignorant views from people who have no idea of the struggles you face and really are not even interested in getting to know how hard it is for you - which is heartbreaking when it's people who you love.

 

We only have a few close family members - my husband has none at all (he had no siblings and his parents/grandparents have all passed away). I only have one brother who I haven't spoken too for nearly 18months because of his attitude towards my AS daughter (although I like to think that most of his thoughts were only put there by his wife and that he really couldn't be so uncaring about his niece!!!).

 

I have neighbours and friends who all make really upsetting and judgemental comments about her behaviour when they're truly not aware of her problems (we've not told anyone except the school/my parents and recently two good friends).

 

Only last week after speaking to my friend about my daughter she said 'oh yes' someone I know has a son who has Aspergers' but they don't put up with any nonsense from him - they won't have it in the house - it's the school that can't control him. It upset me so much yet I didn't know how to reply - just felt a bad mum yet again.

 

Take care, and know in your heart that it's nothing you're doing - it's very sad when you don't get the support from people whom you love and hope they love your family for all it's differences - but unfortunately not all people are the same.

 

Jb

[Bullet]

Awww Tylersmum, it is hard, isn't it? FIL and his girlfriend think that Tom is just behind in his talking. We've tried explaining everything, all about his echolalia and his quirks (most of which seem normal to us so we don't really notice them until we think about it) and they think he just needs to catch up. It's so frustrating.

[mossgrove]

TM

 

I hope you are having a better day today.

 

It is a fact about having children with special needs that your sicial circle gets smaller and tends to be limited to those who really understand.

 

There are times when I think that isn't a bad thing, and it certainly doesn't mean you are a bad person.

 

 

Simon

[clintess]

im very lucky in that respect that my close friends totally understand ds asd in fact they have done they own research into it and attended appointments with me.with family they are very good one of my older sisters has an asd ds as well so that really helps. it isnt you it is ignorance on thier part mayb get some info together for them to read or take them along to your childs appointments it all helps to deal with asd and better for your child. <'>

[Bagpuss]

One of the worst aspects of our daughters diagnosis of Autism and MD were the reactions of some of our family and friends. We hoped for support, and received very little. They didn't make any nasty comments or snide remarks, but we just felt after the initial shock and horror, we were left to get on with it. I'm not sure why they reacted the way they did, maybe they felt unable to offer support, but we felt totally alone. We didn't expect to be mollycoddled, or to become the centre of everyone's world, but regular phone calls, visits, just an understanding would of been so great. Maybe everyone assumes that you "just get over it", but we never have. The result of all of this has been wide spread. We make very little effort now and treat people as they treat us. Several close relationships have disintegrated, and although I would of felt huge guilt about this previously, not anymore. The only people we want in our lives are the ones who love us, care about us, and treat us as we treat them, and its that only a few, then so be it. Don't beat yourself up about how others react. Hold your head up high. No one can understand where you are coming from unless they've walked in your shoes. Take care <'>