How do I tell my son he's 'special'?

[Tylers-mum]

His Pead wants me to explain to T that he is 'special' (my wording). He played up a lot during our last consultation on Thursday and she recommended that I explain to him why we have to attend the appointments and that we are all trying to help him.

Obviously, he isn't ready to here of the HFA dx and I honestly don't feel it's right to tell him yet but he does need to know that we are all trying our best to help him and that he is special but how do I explain this to an almost 7yr old. He does not know of any of his dx or issues.

 

All I have going through my head is 'You have some things wrong with you' and obviously this is NOT acceptable to use and I will not use it b/c it's negative and it's awful (in my mind anyway).

 

Please help. I'm in a rut here.

[jayjay]

I cant help you on this one as my son is 6 years old and i havent told him either but think i should tell him something as i think he is aware there is something different but am interested in the views myself sorry Tylers mum <'> <'> <'>

jayne xx

[Brook]

His Pead wants me to explain to T that he is 'special' (my wording). He played up a lot during our last consultation on Thursday and she recommended that I explain to him why we have to attend the appointments and that we are all trying to help him.

Hi Tylers-mum,

 

I dont think the pead has the say in when you should explain things to Tyler,

also I dont think that by explaining it he will stop 'playing up' in consultations,

as you already know it would be a number of factors as to 'why' he 'plays up',

and I personally feel that just by explaining why he has to attend these appointments

isn't going to take away the stress of them for him.

Maybe if beforehand you could get the run down off the paed as to exactly what they are

going to be doing, then you could prepare him before he goes.

 

My son is also seven, and I know he would not understand at this time and I would most

likely end up confusing him .

I think that explaining things like 'being special' is a very individual thing, and feel that it

is up to the person that knows the child best as to when they feel that the time is right.

 

This is just my opinion, as you'll see I've used alot of 'I think' in my post.

 

But it sounds like the paed is saying 'well, if he knows the score, then he'll be able to

co-operate'

 

Brook

[Paula]

I never had to have the "Youre special " conversation.

 

I just intergrated it into my sons life from i guess the word go.We always knew there was something different and always talked openly about it in front of him he started to announce he was autistic and then aspergers by the time he was 8 years of age.It was part of his life and nothing to hide.Because it was part of everyday open conversation he just accepted it and didnt bat an eyelid.

[elaine1]

<'> I told my son that he thinks differently from other children, and that perhaps he may have more difficulty with schooling etc. I didnt go too deeply into it he was 8 at the time.

then i let him read freaks geeks and aspergers syndrome by Luke Jackson, that was his bible and sometimes still is, he is almost 13 now, and he has been able to find similarities to himself many times in this great book.

Good luck with yr son <'>

[Tilly]

Tricky one isn't it?

 

I haven't told many about dd dx as I wanted to be the one who told her and for her not to hear it from anyone else.

 

I had to stop using the word special as dd sister wanted to know why she was more special than her

 

I've had to start using the word 'additional' needs to stop the green eyed monster resurfacing. I tell you in our house you have to think twice before you open your mouth so as not to upset the apple cart.

 

Good Luck

 

Tilly

[Stephanie]

I hate the word special ... when anyone sends a birthday card saying "to a special boy" it upsets me (even though I haven't told them about my son yet). Lol.

 

I haven't told my son yet either, but he is only just 5. He keeps making remarks about disabled people though and saying things like "we shouldn't be using this disabled toilet because we aren't disabled" ... and when we went to an Open Day for ASD kids he came away saying "Mummy all those children were weird!"

 

He understands that he gets extra help at school but can't understand why when academically he is far advanced over every one else. I think he has realised socially that he is different and says that "some children won't play with him because they like other children better" - bless.

 

I tell him that he has "Super Powers" when it comes to things like memory and reading ... when the time comes (although it may be soon because he asks lots of questions), I will just tell him that the world is full of different types of people, and that he sees the world differently from most children, and that he will need to learn things differently ... and that we are going to help him every step of the way and do whatever it takes.

 

I just want to make it positive ... I don't think they need to know anything in too much detail at this age.

[oracle]

I am up there with Paula never had the 'special' conversation because autism is part of our everyday lives and there is nothing 'special' about that. Sorry but it is how I see it. I am also personally a firm believer in the sooner the better where telling a child is concerned. That does not mean that you sit them down and have a talk with them. I never did that with Matthew he was just so used to hearing the words that they really did intergrate into his daily life and his vocabulary. I did have to have the talk with David as he was 13 and it was the hardest thing that I have had to do. It is quite terrifying to have to tell a child of 13 that they are different. I was fortunate that David accepted the dx as it answered many of his questions. I seriously have a pet hate with the word special - sorry - The words of a lady called Christine Lenehan? who works for the Council for Disabled Children burnt a hole in my brain and have remained there. She told about 300 of us sitting in a conference that most children do not want to be 'special' they just want to be like everyone else This is certainly true for Matthew.

 

Oracle

[lainey]

jake's 6 and i wouldn't know were to start with explaining to him when we go to see the paed he says to me who's sick i'm not sick are you sick or daddy and i never know what to say and he ends up kicking off because he doesn't know what's going on

[Tylers-mum]

Thanks all for your advice. I have been pondering over the weekend on how, and even 'if' to explain to him why he goes to all these appointments. He has started asking 'Why' we have to see so and so and my usual reply of 'b/c she wants to see you' isn't working no more.

 

Brook, that is exactly why I think, she (Pead) asked me to talk to him, so that he'd co-operate better during consultations. Pead usually wants to talk to me and T is left to play on his gameboy (which he is getting more and more frustrated with) and when the Pead asks him to do a drawing etc, he flatly refuses (he hates drawing and colouring), therefore he is constantly after my attention and then cries, moans and whines b/c I am not listening to him or paying him attention. This obviously is having an impact on the conversation the Pead is trying to have on me and vise versa. This is why she said maybe to have a chat to him.

As for the routine of the consultation, they are all the same. LOL Go in room, sit and chat and come out again. T does know that when I go in there, the Pead and I have to chat but he is getting bored and the usual tact of playing on his gameboy isn't as beneficial as it once was. He isn't interested in building blocks or playing with the toys in the room, he is very computer games orientated and I haven't got anyone to take with me to pacify him, even if there were, then the Pead would still want to see him in the room.

 

Oh the joys!!!

[Tylers-mum]

PS - I'm sorry if I offended anyone by using the word 'special'. This was not my intention. Guess I don't really have that good a vocabulary. LOL

 

T however is my special lil boy, not b/c of his additional needs (nicely said Tilly) but b/c I love him sooo much and he's my boy!

I do totally understand though why it can be taken with offense in the context that I used it in my OP and for that, I am sorry.

Edited May 8, 2006 by Tylers-mum

[Brook]

PS - I'm sorry if I offended anyone by using the word 'special'. This was not my intention. Guess I don't really have that good a vocabulary. LOL

 

T however is my special lil boy, not b/c of his additional needs (nicely said Tilly) but b/c I love him sooo much and he's my boy!

I do totally understand though why it can be taken with offense in the context that I used it in my OP and for that, I am sorry.

Tylers-mum,

 

we all hold our own views and opinions of things, there is no need to apologise.

 

Brook

[redberry]

With S, I was lucky I suppose, I read him 'Aspergers the universe and everything' by Luke Jackson

and he sat up in bed and said

"Hey thats me, this is like my story!" <'>

 

We have always spoken openly about AS and its just part of who he is, life and everything!

I dont think I would have been able to not talk about AS as I would have felt we were sweeping something under the carpet. S would hate that. literally and otherwise.

 

 

Good luck with your dilemma

 

redberry

[Suze]

I was very much guided by my son, he was dx as dyslexic at 6/7 yrs and obviously struggled a great deal with school work because of this.When the question of ASD was raised and the statementing process began he wanted to know why we saw all the doctors so I told him the truth.He accepted that having ASD made some things difficult for him but we also emphasised quite strongly to him that having ASD gave him talents aswell.We talk about it alot at home , his sister understands he has problems with some things and if he ever has a melt down she refers to his ASD.

[loulou]

Hi Tylers-mum,

 

I went through this dilema last year with Kai (he is 7 1/2 now). He never really asked why we had so many appointments, so i never said anything to him. He ALWAYS kicked off at appointments though and was a total nightmare. He once escaped from a Speech Therapy consultation and legged it up the road!

 

I realised i had to explain things to him when HE realised he was "different". He kept telling me he had a "broken brain". Things got really bad when he started telling me he wanted to die because he was "evil".

 

I posted here about it because i really didn't know what to tell him. Following advice given on here, i told him that he thought differently to other people and had a very special, but clever brain. I told him that there was nothing "wrong" with him and also that there were lots of people who had "special" brains like him. He accepted this pretty well, although i don't know how well he understood.

 

Regarding your Paed, i wouldn't tell T for her benefit, it won't make his behaviour any different at consultations. Tell him when YOU think it's the right time.

 

Loulou x

[Guest flutter]

find a book, that makes them think i think

and i think special is ok when you are flounderin a word for a description that is not negative

we have always said that our DD is from a another planet ( nicely) and asked her how it is there and can we join, so getting to asd was ok, and for her it was relief, to put a name to her differences

go with instincts, u know u child the best in the world

<'>

Cx

[kirstie]

I never had to have the "Youre special " conversation.

 

I just intergrated it into my sons life from i guess the word go.We always knew there was something different and always talked openly about it in front of him he started to announce he was autistic and then aspergers by the time he was 8 years of age.It was part of his life and nothing to hide.Because it was part of everyday open conversation he just accepted it and didnt bat an eyelid.

We have done the same. Lewis doesn't understand what AS is but we told him that he has a brain that is different to ours and that makes him think differently sometimes. I know he doesn't understand that either, but we have alwayds been very open about it around him. I hated the thought of him wondering why he was different and being in turmoil over it. At the moment though, he is blissfully unaware........

[Bagpuss]

Think I'm in a minority here........I tell my daughter she's special every night At bedtime we read a story, do physio, have tickles, then the last thing we do is play a game........We laugh sooo much It entails me saying to her "who loves you?" and she runs thru everyones names, then I ask laughing..."why do they love you?" and she shouts "BECAUSE IM SPECIAL", with a huge grin on her face

 

She is also blissfully unaware that she has autism and muscular dystrophy. Our older children know she has MD but not autism, will explain when they are old enough to understand it. My only advice would be to tell you child when you feel ready, and in a manner you are comfortable with. You know your child best.

 

Take care,

 

Debs

[DaisyProudfoot]

My boy's a couple of years older than Tyler - but he had just turned nine when we told him. Even though he was told it didn't really sink in until he was about 6 months older than that.

 

We were quite fortunate that we know a couple of lads who also have AS so we were able to say: "You know XXXX, well you are very like them, because you have a brain which thinks differently to some people. For instance you are really good on computers and at maths but you're not to hot at speaking to people you don't know or looking at them etc etc

 

In other ways accentuate all the positives rather than the negatives and perhaps you can say that's why you go to meetings with Dr XXX because she is interested in seeing how your mind works so she can help other little boys and girls who are not as lucky as you and are not good at (whatever T's good at)

 

I wouldn't use the word special either or you might end up with Tyler coming out with that line from The Simpson's where the police chief's son blurts out in class: "My daddy says I'm special"

[lizzie]

Thanks all for your advice. I have been pondering over the weekend on how, and even 'if' to explain to him why he goes to all these appointments. He has started asking 'Why' we have to see so and so and my usual reply of 'b/c she wants to see you' isn't working no more.

 

Brook, that is exactly why I think, she (Pead) asked me to talk to him, so that he'd co-operate better during consultations. Pead usually wants to talk to me and T is left to play on his gameboy (which he is getting more and more frustrated with) and when the Pead asks him to do a drawing etc, he flatly refuses (he hates drawing and colouring), therefore he is constantly after my attention and then cries, moans and whines b/c I am not listening to him or paying him attention. This obviously is having an impact on the conversation the Pead is trying to have on me and vise versa. This is why she said maybe to have a chat to him.

As for the routine of the consultation, they are all the same. LOL Go in room, sit and chat and come out again. T does know that when I go in there, the Pead and I have to chat but he is getting bored and the usual tact of playing on his gameboy isn't as beneficial as it once was. He isn't interested in building blocks or playing with the toys in the room, he is very computer games orientated and I haven't got anyone to take with me to pacify him, even if there were, then the Pead would still want to see him in the room.

 

Oh the joys!!!

Hi Tylers Mum, I had similar problems with my son when visiting the paed, he would get really wound up while the paed was trying to talk to me, and then by the time she got round to talking to him he was upset and uncooperative and we would end up ending the appointment early, now we have seperate appointments I go to the clinic to see her on my own, and when she needs to see K she comes to my home, this way has worked brilliant for all of us, now K see's the paed as a friend more than a doctor, Im not sure if all paeds would be as obliging as ours(she is FAB!!!) but it might be worth asking if perhaps you could see your paed without your son every appointment, sorry I cant be morehelpful. Lizzie xxx

[justamom]

We were very lucky when Keegan was dx'd because the phyciatrist explained it too him in such a lovely way and afterwards he said to me "Mom i am like xxxx aren't i" (this boy was in his school but had alot more apparent difficulties) but he is a 10 and i am a 6?? Its like a mild cheese and a mature cheese hey mom" that how he described himself???

 

Maybe a book or a website might be able to explain things in a "kiddy" manner... Hope you find the right words.

 

Justamom

[lotty]

PS - I'm sorry if I offended anyone by using the word 'special'. This was not my intention. Guess I don't really have that good a vocabulary. LOL

 

T however is my special lil boy, not b/c of his additional needs (nicely said Tilly) but b/c I love him sooo much and he's my boy!

I do totally understand though why it can be taken with offense in the context that I used it in my OP and for that, I am sorry.

 

my son has a stammer and we call it his sparkle

Edited May 8, 2006 by lotty

[baddad]

Hi all -

 

flicked through the posts (sorry - bit pushed for time tonight) and the general consensus seems to be to forget about 'special', and 'the right time', and just let your kids evolve with an understanding that they have autism/Aspergers and that means that they think differently in some ways... I'd agree with that one hundred percent.

I'll paraphrase Luke Jackson on this, who said that he always feels 'different' or out of step, and that he feels that even knowing the reasons why... he adds that (paraphrasing again, as too lazy to look it up!) NOT knowing why makes it 'a hundred times worse than any professional could ever imagine'...

Sounds reasonable - if your child is socially aware enough to feel that he is 'different', he is probably going to be comforted rather than distressed at being given some understanding of that difference...

 

L&P

BD

 

Oh, one other quickie: NOT telling begs the question 'why not?', and by definition implies a negative value judgement... Good news is very rarely kept secret or 'broken gently'...

 

Best to all of you facing this very personal decision. <'>

[oracle]

Oh, one other quickie: NOT telling begs the question 'why not?', and by definition implies a negative value judgement... Good news is very rarely kept secret or 'broken gently'...

 

What a brilliant way of thinking. I 100% agree with you

 

I know someone whose son took the dx well when she finally told him aged 10 - that was until he went to school and shared his news with his teachers who said yes we know. The whole issue went downhill after that because Mum had forgotten to speak to others first and ask them to pretend that they did not know The child came home and demanded to know just how many other people had been told before him? Just about everyone he knew. Including my son who had kept his mouth shut but could not understand 'why' it had to be like that. He found that a very bitter pill to swallow. So maybe that is something else that parents should be mindful of when they do eventually decided to let thier child in on it.

 

I have to say that Matthew has a brilliant understanding of his condition already and he is only 9. We have been tuning him into himself for sometime now and I am amazed at how much he has taken on board. Never underestimate your children ASD or not. How we tick is as much a part of Matthew HE as maths and gardening is at the moment.

 

Oracle