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KarenT

The excrement has hit the fan

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Some of you will know that J has been doing really well since the beginning of the year, far more settled than has been previously known, happier, doing well in school etc. Well, it all came tumbling down on Thursday when he had a friend for tea and J had a tantrum over a minor disagreement ? the first in about three months ? and it?s really knocked him back. He?s still rumbling five days later, easily upset by things I say or do, less responsive and having difficulty with his usual round-the-house jobs (which he?s become very adept at over the last six months or so), distraction levels have shot up too. I warned his class teacher about this when I dropped him off at school on Friday morning, suggesting she keep an eye on him because I wasn?t sure how well he?d cope, that he was losing his temper at the drop of a hat and I didn?t expect him to hold back for the whole day. Picked him up after school on Friday and apparently all was fine.

 

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from the Head asking if I?d go in and speak with her before collecting J after school ? it seems he?d been involved in a fight on Friday and she?d only just become aware of it, and she needed to speak to me.

 

It turns out that J had caught sight of his nemesis D in the cloakroom when it was time to go home and had simply launched at him in a totally unprovoked attack. Other children were alarmed and went running to get the teacher, who split them up. Both boys were reprimanded (they have a longstanding history) and as they both seemed unhurt nothing more was said, though D?s mum was told in the yard that he?d been involved in a spat with J ? I?d already left by this time.

 

However, over the weekend D was admitted to hospital in a great deal of pain and it turned out that he?d been hit so hard in his kidney that it had caused a bleed. He was kept in overnight and fortunately the bleed stopped once he passed water but the outcome could have been more serious. I?m angry and upset that this could have been allowed to happen because I?d warned the teacher of J?s temperament that morning, she?d admitted to the Head that J had been ?bouncing? all day, and he?s supposed to be supervised in the cloakroom anyway because that?s his trigger time, he?s held himself together all day and it?s nearly ready to go home when he can let it all out. It?s widely acknowledged that he struggles towards the end of the day yet this was allowed to happen. He?d even asked to stay in at break time, which he?s been allowed to do as a self-management strategy, and was refused.

 

D?s mum rang me last night. I?ve known her since the boys started school together and she?s always been very supportive of J?s problems and my efforts to get help for him, and she assured me that nothing has changed between us, that she doesn?t blame J for what happened and indeed neither does D (she?s explained J?s ?differences? to her family in simple terms and they all accept him for what he is). However, she also said that the doctor who treated D in hospital had asked her about ?the boy who inflicted this injury?, was he ?normal?, did he have learning difficulties etc. She?d told him that his parents were very concerned about him and had been for several years, and were now struggling to get a diagnosis for him as they suspect Asperger?s Syndrome, to which he replied ?Yes, that injury was made by a child stronger than the usual seven year old?.

 

D?s mum has said she?ll give me copies of all correspondence relating to the incident and will find out the doctor?s name so that I can track him down and ask for his support. I feel we?ve entered a whole new level now and things can?t be ignored any longer, and I want to have as much evidence as possible for the second opinion referral later this year.

 

Sorry for the ramble, I just desperately needed to offload this to someone this morning. Struggling to hold myself together ? I?m usually quite stiff-upper-lip but I?m sobbing buckets this morning.

 

Karen

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I am so glad D's mum is so understanding especially in the circumstances, I wish more parents could have her compassion and maturity.

 

I don't understand why schools feel they do not need to listen to parents I really don't.

 

I hope with the support of this doctor you can get things moving in the right dorection hun

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Karen,

It is awful that it takes something really big to get things moving and like you say take it up a level. We found this with ds, it was when he was excluded for attacking his teacher and she refused to have him in the class that the push for dx from the education side went up a gear. I hope this happens for you!

Carrie

PS Keep a hold of that friend, wish there were more like her!

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Hi karen -

 

Sorry to hear of the troubles your facing, and let's hope J can get back into the groove again soon >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

One thing I did want to pick up on, though, was the statements the Dr made about 'was the boy normal?' and 'stronger than other seven year olds'.

I suppose there's a possibility that AS could play a part in the severity of an incident like this (because the usual boundaries weren't recognised), and this could be exaggerated in a case where the child's personality was usually 'over-controlled', but for my own part most of the AS kids I've met (my own son included) are under-cooridinated and find physical activity a challenge because of it...

Two scenarios that come to mind would be a kicking incident (especially to the groin), and/or a push that resulted in the other kid banging himself against something (bench edge or suchlike?). In your position I'd be more inclined to get eye witness accounts of the fight than to pursue the Doctor who can only offer comment on the injury he saw, not the events leading to it. it may well be that those eyewitnesses could offer more insight into the nature of the assault, rather than the effects, and this might be more helpful (in terms of the 'psychology' involved) than the stuff you're pursuing...

 

As far as the school goes, I can understand completely how you feel, particularly if it's stated on his Support plan that he should be attended in the cloakroom and his agitation had been evident throughout the day, and i would certainly tackle the school over it...

The only proviso I'd add, though, is that you do so without J's knowledge and that he's left with no doubts that - No matter how difficult controlling it might be - he IS responsible for his own actions. I'm sure you would do that anyway, and I am under no illusions about how difficult that self-control can be, but I think for their own sakes that message needs to be reinforced at every opportunity. It's a hard line to walk between 'reasonable expectations' and 'blaming', but if we don't do it nobody else will...

 

Good luck with it all,

 

Very Best

 

BD :D

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karen you poor thing.....I,d be crying buckets too :( .So glad this boy has recovered and his mum is so understanding >:D<<'> .Just one thing I thought of......my son will build up his anger over the course of the day towards someone he is having "trouble " with.Very often it won,t take more than a look in his direction to then make him have a go at the other child.So I was just wondering if your sons altercation had realy been as unprovoked as it seems.

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Hi Karen,

 

Hope everything goes OK for you. Martin is very aggressive when riled and I'm surprised he hasn't been in more fights at school. I agree with Badders that you probably need to get a few eye witness accounts of the incident if possible if for no other reason than to help your boy with coping strategies.

 

Keep fighting for your boy >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Karen,

 

So sorry to hear about this, I really hope you feel better soon.

I think it says alot about you, relects on the person you are, the fact you have such an understanding friend.

 

redberry >:D<<'>

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>:D<<'> im glad that,d'S mom was so understanding and cooperative not many parents would be. hope u get an answer soon >:D<<'>

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Thanks for your replies on this, it's helped me put things together right in my head.

 

I've spoken to my Barnardo's support group person about pursuing the hospital doctor and she's agreed with Badders that it wouldn't be appropriate - ethically he'd be unlikely to consider breaching patient confidentiality to discuss a case I'm not directly involved in, and also any comments about J could step on the toes of the Child and Family team and he wouldn't want to do that. And that's if I could get him to agree to speak with me in the first place. Instead she's suggested I get D's mother to write a short account of what happened, name the doctor if possible, and give that as evidence for the second opinion.

 

It's interesting that it was D that he attacked. As J was so high on the way to school that morning, I advised him to avoid certain children who were likely to set him off, D being one of them. I know from previous incidents that J keeps things in his head all day so that he doesn't forget, so it's likely that he'd had "Avoid D" running around in there for hours, then suddenly D was in front of him and he couldn't hold it in any longer. It all makes perfect sense.

 

In the meantime I'm considering some subtle investigation among those parents I trust to find out what J's 'really' like in school, given that his class teacher has told Child and Family that the sun pretty much shines out of him, which I know isn't true but can't prove otherwise. I'll have to be sure it can be done delicately but I think it's worth doing if possible.

 

I've been waiting to see the SENCo since March when she failed to turn up to the professionals' meeting in school due to sickness. Apparently she's still absent and won't be returning until after half term, and in the meantime nobody is covering her work. He really needs his IEP reviewed. I still suspect they'll say 'all normal' so perhaps it might be better to wait. After the SATS they're planning 'treats' for the children for their hard work - a play (which he's already nervous about, and has asked me to get a copy of the story for him so he can be prepared) and a show in which each child has to demonstrate what they're best at. J's chosen Karate, surprise surprise. I think it's likely that J will find these difficult and his behaviour will reflect that, so it could be in his interests to watch and see in the hope that there'll be something more to show the school.

 

J thoroughly enjoyed his 'punishment' of tidying the cloakrooms and classrooms. He had his lunch sitting outside the Head's office and had the pleasure of watching her conduct a dance class. As my Barnardo's lady said, it wouldn't be surprising if he's tempted to wallop someone again if the playground gets too much for him, so that he gets this nice treat of a week indoors again. Will watch and see.

 

Thanks for your support, as ever.

 

Karen

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The main things here are the facts that the school are already, clearly, aware of the main flashpoints where J is concerned. They are failing him by not taking steps at those times to help him cope. As for D's mum's reaction to events...wow, I don't know I would have been so understanding after any of mine had been in hospital, well done to her. But why did the school not tell you about this on Friday? Why...they hadn't supervised him, as they should have done, and therefore didn't know! After your informing them of his mood first thing they can have no excuses for failing to do this....none at all. I'd be asking why his support system failed him (and D) so badly!

 

As for the Dr, I agree it would be unwise to go down that road. Better to gather evidence from D's mum and so on and have these to hand for future reference. This at least means you will have your own record of what happened. Hopefully the school will learn from their mistakes and ensure proper supervision for J at these times in the future.

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