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allure

bullying at lunch time

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Hi, i'm new to the board and I have a 12 year old with ASD, we moved to the UK last year from the states and so this is my sons first year in school. It took from April of last year until October of this year to just get him in school here. Despite the fact that i brought over from the states with me his IEP, His diagnosis from the Dr.s there, and basically every record of his school history that they had. It's been a struggle for him to adjust socially here. He doesn't understand the way things work with kids here in the UK. He's always had a hard time making friends as it is and although I am told that the kids at his new school think the fact that He is American is cool, He still is having difficulty. He's always been the sort of kid that kids preyed upon and took advantage of. Mainly because he is so hungry for friendship he will let them take advantage and use him. He started out going just a few hours each day. Finally worked up to going through lunch. Then the trouble started. He's getting into fights at lunch and being picked on and called names by a certain few of the kids. So the school asked the kids what was happening and of course they claimed innocence and blamed it all on my son wade. So he was sent home at lunch. (which i feel was punishing him without punishing them). I know my son isn't an angel. He has troubles and He often doesn't understand or grasp social situations. However it takes two. That was 6 weeks ago. Now the school has decided wade can come back for lunch and they are even going to extend his school day to a full day. However at first he will not be allowed out with the rest of the kids. He will be allowed to go to this place called "the zone", where they do tutoring etc. He's allowed to have friends with him but He has to bring a pack up each day because He won't be allowed in the lunch room to go buy a lunch. (which he isnt happy about because he doesnt like bread and hates the thought of eating sarnies everyday). what I am concerned with is: each week if He does well he will earn the right to spend one day with the rest of the kids and be able to go to the lunch room. The school is determined to insist that wade is the cause of the previous troubles with fighting and his own bullying. i just know in my heart that the minute he earns his lunch time with the other kids back that these kids will start in again. we've tried telling him to ignore the kids and if they say things to him or do things to inform a member of staff. however he does not always do this. has anyone else had trouble with their child being bullied at school and if so, do you have any advice for me to give to my son on how to handle it?

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Hi Allure and welcome to the UK,

 

Seems like your son is having it really rough at the moment - no doubt you've already encountered the schools' wrath - seems like they are making it very difficult for you.

 

My daughters 12yrs and only recently diagnosed - she goes mornings only at the moment and has been the subject of bullying although she hates going to the canteen and lunchtime with everyone and the noise etc so we have the reverse problem.

 

I'm sure someone will come along soon with some great advice for you - til then hang on in there.

 

Take care,

Jb

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Hi,

 

Amazed by this :( Seems to me that your son is being punished and the other kids behaviour isn't being addressed. They hold all the power, and I would assume that they will know exactly what buttons to press to get your son to react again, as soon as he returns to the playground. What message is this sending out to your son and the other kids who are calling him names etc ??? I'm just appalled by it and hope someone who has been thru this themselves can offer you some really sound advice. Good luck and take care. >:D<<'>

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Jb,

although i think it is socially good for him to be able to interact with the other children I worry about the amount of interaction He recieves. Sometimes I wish he was like your daughter and shied away from situations like this to protect him from what could happen. I guess its that protective maternal instinct in me that doesn't want him to be in potentially bad situations and wants to shelter him from them. But i know i can not always be there for him to shelter him from these things. I am just trying to figure out the best ways to give him the tools and knowledge and skills to cope with them. thanks for replying

 

Bagpuss, thanks. I was appauled by it too. Are there not laws in this country that protect children from bullying?

Edited by allure

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Hi

I think that a lot of us have had, or are still having, similar problems. Many schools are very weak around dealing with bullying. My suggestions would be (in no particular order):

 

- ask for a copy of the school's bullying policy

 

- ask for a meeting with the SENCO to find out what strategies they have in place to support your son. (One suggestion that I was given when I asked for advise was to ask the school to set up a buddy system for my son)

 

- ask for an autism outreach person to come into the school and suggest some strategies for them to support him (I know that not all areas have one of these, we have one who comes from the special school in the county)

 

Somebody posted a similar thread recently about their child being kept out of school at lunchtime, and had some good responses about it being an illegal exclusion. Might be worth having a trawl?

Edited by zaman

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Hi Allure,

Welcome to the UK and to the forum!

 

I have no specific advice to give but as my son has been having similar problems at school, maybe you can get some idea out of his experience. The bullying was going on mainly in the playground because there's no supervision. M tried to make friends but was soon bullied by some boys who thought he didn't belong there. They picked on his accent which is not just like his peers'. As a result he got into fights and was accused of being violent. The school treated the problem as a behaviour issue. Telling M to ignore those boys was absolutely pointless because he took it as a matter of self image and dignity and began to see them as his " enemies". I asked for a meeting with the senco and head of year to ask for support to my son instead of punishment. It's hard to get this point across at a school. I went to this meeting accompanied by a friend who works in our support group, so she provided a lot of information about aspergers that was relevant to the school and in the end they had to accept that it was not a behaviour problem and they also agreed to change his IEP, one of those things is that there is now aa assistant M can go and talk to when he's in trouble or feels distressed.

 

Your son shouldn't be punished if he's being bullied!! If the other kids blame him then problably their parents are also complaining to the school, so you have to make the school hear your views of the situation. You can also ask for a copy of the school's bullying policy and demand that the bullying is tackled according to it. Have you given them a copy of his diagnosis confirmed by your GP or your son's peadiatrician in the UK ? It could help.

 

Good luck to you and your son!

 

>:D<<'>

Curra

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zaman, thanks, i went back and hunted down the post you were speaking of and it did help a bit..

 

curra, this is exactly the sort of thing my son comes home saying. He sees these kids now as they enemy and is wanting revenge for the way they have treated him. I've told him that he's to ignore them and not even speak to them. But telling an AS kid this who's determined to see them as evil enemies, well easier said than done. Ijust don't want wade getting all excited about being there all day only to have them decide he is too much trouble and snatch it back away from him. I'm new to the laws over here and knowing exactly what he's entitled to by law. thanks for the input, it really helped!

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iam so sorry your child is haveing a bad time it not nice my son 10 gets bullied dayley he comes home full of cuts chothes riped it is so up setting to see him like this i have been on to the school they just say they are playing i ask do they chilren come home like that dont think so he is such a loveing boy he is not dx with any thing yet but will be looking in to it my daughter 6 has aspergers i hope you can sort it out all the best to you and welcome to the uk to you and all your family jill

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Hi. I wish I didn't know what you were going through but in my experience it is all too common. My son is only 8 but he also has 'enemies' who tease him and say things that provoke him. Recently he has been getting teased because I am gay, :( but they have an assortment of cruel comments to wind him up with. They push him and call it playing, they slap and hit and its just how boys play roughly, :fight: but other kids know to do it when an adult isn't looking, where as my son will retaliate in front of adults and be the one they see kicking off. There are days my son refuses to go to school for the dread of play time, lunch and golden play- as these times do tend to be when the older children can get to him easiest. He tends to want to attack the boys that push his buttons, and of course the school never sees what causes my son the upset and tend to think its just a symptom of his ASD. He has done what the school told him to and gone to tell the teacher or the head but he feels its pointless as all it does is make it worse for him, and they don't do anything about it but tell him to ignore it.. The other children are quite aware that they can portray the problem as my son's and the school will believe that my son simply misread things. I know school's tend to have 'policies' or codes of conduct regarding bullying- but I don't know of any law governing bullying? How do they deal with it in the US? Is there a law and if so does it work? It seems unfair that your son should have his lunch right placed in the hands of the children who set him off, but we've had the same thing in the past. Having a buddy seemed to help matters for a time until the novelty wore off.. I hope you can find a resolution.

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In the US there is a zero tolerance policy for bullying, though even there it did not always work. However they seemed to address the problems with more seriousness and my son didnt seem to have half the problems socially in the states that he's encountering here. Perhaps it is because he wasn't the "new american kid" there *shrugs* :blink: We had a meeting with the school the other day with the senco and wade's key worker and even they said that the other kids may instigate it but it will be wade that gets caught because he doesnt have the skills to not get caught. So my question to them was "is there not a way you can protect him from this treatment?" and their answer was to not allow him in the canteen at lunch. so i guess i feel my child is being punished and excluded from being able to eat a hot lunch versus a pack up (which he wont eat and will just go to waste) just so there is no chance that these kids will have the oppertunity to bully him. :angry: UGH!!!!!!

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Allure,

 

I was also told that it was in my son 's interest to spend lunch time in the library but that is no solution because our children need to learn better social skills. Buddy systems cam work if the Buddy is a responsible older kid. My son's buddy was a girl who was always with her friends, so in M's case it didn't work. Maybe your son's school has lunch time clubs where he can go and interact with kids who are sharing an interest with him. From my son's experience I've learned that bullying goes on in the playground because teachers are not looking. I don't know if there's a law in UK about bullying but all schools have an anti-bullying and special educational needs policies and parents can see them. They are sometimes in the school prospectus. Parents can ask the school to take steps according to their policies.

 

Curra

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curra,

thanks. they tried the circle of friends thing before but the other kids were only doing it to get to the front of the canteen queue and could have cared less about keeping wade out of situations like that. He has one boy that he calls a friend but they don't see each other much during the school day. ii will be sure to ask for a copy of the bullying policy. thanks again, you've been a ton of help!

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Hi Allure, the school are not doing a good, or legal, job of handling this at all. Can I suggest you read my posting on the 'education' forum which is one of the pinned topics entitlted 'Illegal exclusions'. It explains that what the school is doing to your son at lunchtimes is not only wrong but illegal and will tell you what to quote at them. You also need to ask for the schools policies on discipline and behaviour and make sure they are following them to the letter.

 

HTH.

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no no no no :wallbash::wallbash: .............(.my son has similar problems).............I would ask the school .........have they ever thought of offering him support at dinner????..........your son is being excluded because he does not have the social skills of his peers.........this is wrong.......and illeagal.

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Hi, I agree with all the above, my son was bullied terribly but although he had a statement he did not have a dx so that made it very hard to deal with. It was always him that was seen as the 'source' of the problem right from the start, no matter what had happened, of course this made me frustrated and resentful. I can really relate to the 'seen as the enemy' comments, and had to be really careful I didnt feed into this because I was cross with them but his crossness was amplified and hard to budge, if you know what I mean. He spent much of his school life not being educated at all but being managed in some way or other, I wish you the very best with this, keep banging on at them to do what they should be doing to educate your child!

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Allure - have you go anyone to go with you to these meetings with the school? It is hard enough for us at the best of times, but as you are also new to the UK, it is a lot more to get your head around. There is an organisation called Partnership with Parents who can provide this sort of support if you don't have anyone else, but I don't know if they cover all of the UK.

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we have had trouble with a group of boys at my sons school, however in the schools defence they jumped on it and sorted it straight away, their school has a zone too, but tom doesnt have to use it if hes feeling stressed he can go there at lunchtime and use the computer or read, he takes a packed lunch by choice cos its a scramble at the meal counter, and he cant always get what he wants, also he has to sit next to children he doesnt know, and he knows ppl in the sandwich room.

 

good luck with it, im sorry yr son has had such a rough time, i hope u get the help u need. if u need to pm me let me know im here if u need a chat. >:D<<'>

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