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cmuir

SEPARATION

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Hi

 

Finally made a momentous decision and that is that I feel that it's in the best of interests of both myself and my son for my husband and I to separate. We still need to work out the logistics of separating ie I currently work full-time and that'll need to change, where we'll all live, childcare arrangements, etc. It's obvious that my husband has found it extremely hard to cope with our son. I'm at a loss as to what to do ? I've repeatedly tried to talk to him (over a period of months and months), offered help any which way, asked him to speak to someone, etc. I've asked him to read up on Aspergers in order to give him an idea how the condition affects our son and how best to handle him. My husband has never been violent towards our son, but he frequently loses his temper (shouts at him, etc). I can't stand it and find that he causes me to start on him in front of our son. This is something which I'm a little ashamed about. But enough is enough, I know that my son needs a calm and relaxed atmosphere and that's something that he's doesn't ahve when my husband's around. My son deliberately antagonises my husband, husband reacts and takes the bate so to speak and so the cycle continues and gets out of hand. I tend to switch off when it comes to my son. There are things he does for attention and I find it best no to give him it. Of course, there are things which cause him to simply lose control (a symptom of having aspergers). My son (whose 4.5) loves his dad dearly and I'm petrified of the affect it'll have on him. I genuinely believe that we're doing more harm than good living the way we are (husband is so obviously unhappy and isn't coping). I'm so worried about how to tell my son and what affect it'll have on him. Should add, husband isn't a bad man as such ? he just can't cope and won't seek help or allow anyone to help him (what else can I do?). Also feel that I have to battle everything on my own. Husband works shifts, that hasn't helped. However, for the past 3.5 years I've battled single-handedly to get a diagnosis for our son (which I got on 05/05). Husband promises faithfully he'd read up on Aspergers once we got a diagnosis and that's never happened. He's just buried his head in the sand. I'm not perfect and have my faults, but I feel quite bitter and blame my husband for things getting so bad. I can honestly say that whilst life is really difficult with my son, I love him dearly and I accept him for what he is/problems he has. I love him dearly. Can't understand why husband can't cope/won't cope. I'd be interested to hear of other people's experiences. Sorry to ramble on (I'm good at that!). Just feeling really fed up just now!

 

C.

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:( ...............even though this maybe the end of your marriage......will your husband still notseek help??............we saw a family therapist at camhs who helped my hubby and I.............perhaps a little space between you and hubby will enable him to think and come to terms with your sons dx etc......... >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> ..........take care suzex.

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Hi Suze

 

CAMHS have refused to get involved despite us being referred by our GP and Consultant on 2 occasions within the past 6 months. Hubby has to want to seek help and he's chosen not to. I really can't do anything. Just so sick of no only trying to help son keep calm but also having to break things up when son and hubby get into a squabble/vicious circle of son winding up hubby/hubby reacting etc. At the end of the day my son is 4.5 years old and hubby is a grown man. It's my duty to put my son before anyone else and that's what I feel I have to do (because I love him so much!).

 

C.

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I split from my first hubby when David was 6. I think that much of what happens next depends on how close your son is to his dad? I was quite shocked at how much it did not impact on David. In fact if anything it had a positive effect on him, which I suppose is quite inappropriate to admit. But I already knew there was a problem with David and my hubby just did not want to know not only that he thought that 'I' was the one to blame and agreed with the professionals :(

 

I remember the teacher at David's school saying that David had began to settle and was doing much better. Maybe that's because the tensions from the household had gone. We actually moved in with my parents and were there a year so it was quite a change.

 

However if it were happening to Matthew (youngest) he would be devestated because he worships his dad and his dad is very hands on. Matt can not stand it if his dad and I have words. It never appeared to worry David. I did make a HUGE effort to remain on good terms with my ex and it was an effort but I am now very thankful that I did. It has made life so much easier for David and my eldest. I decided never to bad mouth their Dad and found that in the end that earned me their respect. And in the end they made up their own minds ASD or not :D

 

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> take care

 

Oracle

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No advice but just to let you know I hope things work out for you.

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Your post moved me to tears. I can't advise, but I send you lots of these >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

This forum is obviously a good outlet for you - keep posting. I hope someone else can offer more help.

 

Lizzie xxx

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I know what you are going thru C, its so hard doing things all on your own, i too fought by myself for a dx for my son my dh even told me that i had munhunsen by proxy (sp), because he did not want to believe it.

 

He still has not come to terms with the tx fully and he keeps telling me its only mild :wallbash: i could scream, i dont think he will ever come to terms with it and it puts such a strain on the relationship..

 

I wish you good luck and chin up coz your are doing your best!!

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I am really sorry to hear your news!

Me and my hubby are still together but its not been easy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before little p we had been through cancer, redundancy you name it and it went wrong. Little p has caused probs in our relationship hubbys ok on a day to day level but as for reading up and attending meetings hes not brill. He went to the first annual review but I think it scared him and I have found it very hard to talk him into going again and having contact with school.

He doesnt do the paper wotk dla etc. But he loves little p in his own way and she loves him.

I found it impossible to work and do it all and have given up trying to be wonder woman and our relationship has improved with me stopping trying to do it all and concentrating on home stuff. I am less tired, therefore less irritable and we are arguing much less!!!!!!!!!!!

For me stepping off the merry go round has given me the strength to look at what was the matter with me, I had felt so ill it was unbelievable.

 

If seperatio is right for you then do it, but if you need a holiday maybe you need to get away on your own either as a couple or leave him to cope for a week and see how you feel when you are away.

 

I do know know how you feel I have lost count of the times when I couldnt see away forward over the last 20 years. But for us we have managed to get through it.

 

I find talking to friends over a glass of vino helps.

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Sending you hugs(((()))) It must be so hard to come to a decison like this and I admire you for taking the plunge

Keep in touch

Carrie

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My hubby isn't great at reading things, hasn't done anything to do with the dla forms, only breifly had a look at the statement and hates the idea of pecs! I guess men handle things differently, they are not great at talking about their feelings or ness good at looking at the larger picture (ie how this diagnosis can effect EVERY aspect of day to day life)

 

Sounds like ur hubby is in denial, or maybe still 'greiving' for the child he didn't have. Either way, if you feel this is the right move for you and little one I wish you well.

 

Take care and keep posting

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Little update ...

 

Something I said must have finally struck a chord with hubby. He's confessed that our son is exactly how he was when he was younger and that scares the hell out of him. Strange this is around the time that we got a diagnosis for our son (last month), I was struck by how little reaction there was from hubby and how emotionally detached he was. It was like it didn't sink in and made no difference to him at all. Probably think I'm neurotic, but had a chat with a specialist who has said that it isn't uncommon to find autistic traits within a family, often father and son are very very alike. Another commented after my discussing this that she thought hubby may have an ASD. Strange thing is, don't know why I haven't seen it before, but I think she hit the nail on the head. There's been so many things that have happened that explain things ? in general to do with hubby's ianbility to handle certain situations, lack of emotion, selfish, etc. Without being naiive think I've struck a chord and we hope to work things out ... time will tell. One thing's for sure, it ain't easy!

 

C.

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Caroline,

 

Just sending lots of >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> too. It sounds from your latest post as though your husband is starting to look at things afresh - I hope so.

 

K x

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> s**t i can't believe i missed this post!!! i'M SO SORRY!

You know the strange thing was as i was reading through this thread i was thinking to myself, "I wonder if he sees himself in your Son!" sounds as though you both have a journey ahead!!

I hope you're ok and you know where i am... (sorry i missed your call the other day i've been choked with a stinking cold and am just getting on top of it now!) if you need to talk.

It is true to say that some families can see 'traits' in other members. My sons Dad and his grandmother have/had so many traits it's unbelievable. Although Lewis's Dad doesn't have an ASD he does have certain behaviours, as for his Grandmother, well she's not with us anymore but boy was she a difficult woman, without speaking ill of the dead she wasn't always easy to deal with. :blink:

Just take you're time together and you'll both get there, talking is always good!

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> And whatever happens, be happy and be kind to yourself take a breath - it's been such a long hard struggle for you >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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