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Just had one of those sledge hammer to the tummy moments

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:( Blimey, sneak up on you don't they.

 

I went to a work meeting this morning - we we're discussing social development etc. Going through the stages from birth to around five years.

 

We we're talking about how babies will smile at you to get attention and babble conversationally (ie; wait for you to 'answer' - then babble back). How they anticipate certain routines (ie; giggling when they hear the bath running) and cry when they wake up to get your attention...

 

All stuff that's been discussed lots of times before.

 

But, i had one of those 'realization' moments. My son was a very happy, smiley baby, almost too good. He didn't babble to make 'conversation', didn't recognise certain things meant something enjoyable was coming up, didn't smile back if you smiled at him, never cried when he woke up.....

 

Ho hum :(

 

Just every now and then - it hits doesn't it. :unsure:

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yeah i get momments like that too. normaly when i invite round a freind the same age. the differences are staggering. normaly it does not bother me, just when you see it like that. it can upsetting.

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smiley it does and you can never tell what will cause it or when.

 

The other day a friend of mine, who has a son who William was friendly with when we lived up north sent me a text 'XXXX came first in swimming competion and broke the record for blah blah'. She has one perfect, high achieving son and she doesn't seem to have any sensitivity to my son's differences and difficulties. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge other people their triumphs and pride, but I do object to it being rammed down my throat. I haven't even heard from her for about 6 weeks when I got this text. I may be doing her a disservice and she may just think that I'm such a good friend she wanted to tell me, and I can understand her bubbling over with pride and excitement about her son's achievments. However, I'd like to think if I was in those circumstances I'd have a bit more tact and sensitivity.

 

smiley, I know it's not the same thing but the sledge hammer blow effect was the same.

 

>:D<<'>

 

Lauren

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Same here :( We have a neice who is 2 weeks younger than our dd. Found the constant comparisons difficult to handle. Got so fed up of hearing that neice could do this, neice could do that...wasn't it wonderful, wasn't she clever.... :tearful: I didn't expect them to keep quiet, or not be proud, but a little tact and sensitivity could of gone a long way. Made me continually aware of what our dd WASN'T doing. :( I often had moments that seem to come of out nowhere.......could be just stood in a park, and find myself watching a child of smiliar age to our dd, and feel a sort of sadness come over me, and not sure why, because I love our dd dearly and wouldn't be without her. So proud of what she has achieved, but still, sometimes I feel an ache that can creep up on me. Feel for you >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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I get that sometimes too, or sometimes I get quite freaked out if I meet a 9 year old non-autistic and can hold a rational conversation with them!!! What we live with every day becomes our normality I think and now and again we realise that our 'normality' is societys 'very unusual'. It makes me sad sometimes too even though I love my dd just the way she is.

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I know exactly what you mean

 

H (Now 6) was 'too good' as a baby, never protesting at anything. He didn't speak at all until he was 3.

 

I remember having one of those 'pit of the stomach' moments when watching that documentary about Millenium babies, I think it was called 'Child of our Time' (When they were all 3 (the same age as H at the time, he was born 4 days before the millenium) they had done tests which involved performing various activities when asked and they were discussing the results.

 

It hit me really hard that the thought that H doing a test at all was completely implausible, let alone him doing the 'right' things. He simply didn't have the language to respond to any vocalised request, I had to turn the TV off because I found it too upsetting. :(:(

 

Simon

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I know what you mean. The contrast between Ds2 and Ds1 is amazing. Ds2 will babble back to you, make loads of eye contact, check your reaction with things, all things that Ds1 still isn't doing, (though we do get some eye contact).

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Know what you mean smiley, the other day I had the baby book out and noticed that my boy waved bye bye at 11 months and I thought to myself 'when did he stop?', he's now 3 and no talking, no waving :(

 

Your description 'sledge hammer to the tummy' describes it perfectly - shall add that to my list of expressions! :notworthy:

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Know what you mean too. I find that I sometimes feel very sad while waiting for younger daughter to come out of primary school...seeing all the other kids laughing, talking, running, happy and carefree...that's something I've never seen my oldest daughter do. That really hits me . She'll be 13 this year and life is even more difficult for her now...Nice to know I'm not the only one to feel like this >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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I've been feeling this a lot lately. Every time I pick the boys up from school, some little thing happens or someone says something (like how wonderful their own boys are at football) and I just feel like I've been slapped in the face.

 

And yep, I find Child Of Our Time too upsetting, too.

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I read this quote in a book which I found so helpful. Called Changed by a Child written by Barbara Gill. Got it from Amazon. It contains thoughts, feelings, advice etc from parents of children with a wide range of disabilities. Reading the above replies made me think about it again, and hope you don't mind me posting it, but it sums up so well how I've felt since my dd was diagnosed with md and then autism.

 

"We feel this kind of loss deep within ourselves. It does heal, but it heals around the edges, leaving an open space in our heart. We grow around the scar and the hole in our heart, and they become part of our architecture, part of who we are. But when the wind blows a certain way, we always hear it and feel it. It makes a sad sound. It makes our heart ache"

Edited by Bagpuss

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*soft lil sigh, nodding* yes sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it's challenging, but then I look at him, watch him sleep and think to myself what a miracle he is and how I can't imagine life without him, without how he is, without those precious innocent moments that sometimes happen when children are autistic!

 

I remember when wade was about 4, the cat had kittens, and he had one of those little plastic pools in the garden for swimming in. He kept throwing the kittens into the pool. I kept getting after him. Told him he was going to drowned them. finally I asked him why he was throwing them in the pool and He said to me "because mommy, it's a kiddie pool!!" (get it? kiddie=kitty) :lol:

god they grow up too fast! *tearful smile*

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Yes i know that feeling too, i always remembered my little one as a very easy baby who didnt babble or speak untill 3 years, however reading her "red book" i realised well yes she did speak, ok only 3 words by age 1 but by age 14 months or so had "lost" the words. Also hubby said something the other day, i was working so he took the girls to a wacky warehouse with his friend and his 2 kids,our little ones are roughly the same age and hubby mentioned that his mates little girl who is also 4 but seemed "streets ahead" with conversation and just in general, i think untill there is someone to compare with you just accept it and it hits you every so often, Helen x :(

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Bagpuss - very well put >:D<<'>

 

You grow thick skin - last week, my son's year had an assembly. All the children filed nicely (and quietly) into the hall. Then my son comes in with his 1-2-1, waving his arms about, getting exited and looking for me. He was sat at the back and all i could see were his arms reaching up to touch the gym equipment behind him - quickly followed by his 1-2-1's hand, gently trying to put his hands back on his lap. He managed 15 minutes (which is a huge achievement for him :thumbs: ) at which point his 1-2-1, took him out of the hall. He was trying to go quietly - so he stayed on his knees and crawled out saying 'shhhhhhh' to his 1-2-1 :wub: . Everyone in the hall turned and gave me a sympathetic smile :rolleyes: .

 

Things like that don't bother me now - i was soooo proud of my son for trying, and i'm well used to being 'M, the little boy with AS's mum....'

 

But, today - whilst i was at work - it hit out of the blue. That's when it makes your heart ache a little.

 

xxx

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I'm like that too. The smallest little things dd does fills me with pride. She came home today and presented me with some "brainwork" she'd done at school. She'd tried to draw things like cake, boat and then attempted to write what they were beneath them. Sooo proud of it....stuck it on the fridge. :wub::wub: When I went upstairs earlier she had also got some blue tak, and stuck lots of work she'd brought home from school on her bedroom wall :clap:

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Hi,

 

I get that feeling too, whenever I've spent too much time with NT kids. Even though my other son is NT (so far anyway, he's 2.5), at home we've all seemed to have absorbed j's eccentricities, but normal here is not normal out in the real world! (Damn it!).

 

Eva

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My biggest tear jerker so far has been with David when the kids who he went to school with, who were also in our Theatre Group, had their Prom. They all brought their pics for us to see some even brought their clothes,and just seeing them all dressed up made me realise that David was about a zillion light years away from where they were :( It made me really :crying: and then I realised that I was crying for me because David did not miss the Prom he would never have wanted to take part in any Prom. But it still hurt.

 

Oracle

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I know....

Child of our time was bitter sweet to watch.

I would often see the other kids at Nursery and my heart would sink when i'd watch them all play 'house'together or dress up or even paint pictures. at that time Lewis was a tormrnted little soul who wouldn't participate in any of the activities. It would hurt even m,ore to see him try and interact with the kids and then watch them scarper! :crying:

Something that has made me think of Lew as a baby is having Aiden who is now 9 months old. He has just gone onto lumpier food. It always make me think of him at that age gagging on his food unable to swallow the lumps. At the time the HV said he was just a lazy eater, but now i know otherwise. Where Aiden will return a smile Lewis would look at you sideways and never smiled, infact it felt like he cried constantly. If only i had known then what i know now, maybe i could have done something different to help him smile...... :tearful:

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It's old photos that get me. When I look at our Martin as a baby he was a really cheerful chappy - a lot more so than his twin sister. He changed dramatically aged about 2 and a half/three and became the child we live with today.

 

He's quite cheerful now don't get me wrong but within his eyes I can see a soul who is not quite at home in this world - that's when I'm allowed to look at them, they're covered with his hair most of the time.

 

My eldest son his currently reading Robert A Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land and says the character reminds him of Martin

 

Stranger in a Strange Land tells the story of Valentine Michael Smith, orphaned progeny of the first manned expedition to Mars, who has been raised by Martians and brought back to Earth by a second human expedition. Though he is a man in his twenties, Smith looks at absolutely everything on this new planet through the ignorant eyes of a baby, and faces the job of learning how to be a human being.

 

It's a good book, a bit dated because it was written in the early 60s - but interesting all the same.

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I had one a few months ago. There was a little boy chatting away to his dad pointing out and saying parts of the dad's face. Another parent asked how old is he to the dad. This little lad was the same age as my son. I had to walk away as i just started to cry.

I thought as this was my third child with the speech problem i would be immune to it but nope.

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I had a sledgehammer moment this Sunday just gone. We went to a family barbecue and there were a few other children there, including two Tom's age and one 22 month old. All the other children were talking to their parents, running around together, interacting and generally acting as children do. Tom ignored all the other children, all the adults, had a wander outside and a bit of play on his own and then went inside and spent three hours lining up blocks and fitting train tracks together. Any attempt to communicate with him went completely ignored. He only came out of himself when we took him on the swing.

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Bullet,

Lewis is the same. I sit an watch him when we go to my Dads house with a lump in my throat. He goes outside and plays on his own and wants nothing to with any of us. I just feel desperatley sad for him when i see him alone. But i have also come to realise he sometimes needs the space and we just let him be and hope he'll come in and join us at the table.........

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I so identify with this feeling - sledgehammer describes it so well. I had it almost constantly last July hearing L's contemporaries celebrating the end of their GCSE's, and again in August when the results came out. It was a grim time - I kept thinking "if only..." I expect I'll feel it all over again next year when they are all doing their A levels and talking about what the're going to do in their gap year or at university.

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