Does a parent of yours have autism

[lotty]

I am just wondering if anyone has experienced this, i feel one of my parents is on the spectrum and i am finding there lack of empathy and understanding of my own feelings and problems really hard to deal with. if i have a very awful problem and go to talk to them about it as i need some comfort-emotional support etc,sometimes i might get a laugh off them, which always shocks me when this happens, or a yawn sometimes. or sometimes they will listen but drift off in the middle, i go home usually feeling worse. i dont have any local friends to see or talk to really and they are my only support. but sometimes i feel as though they should support me, when i say support i only mean a cup of tea and a 'dont worry'maybe thats to much to expect of my parents. I know really I should give up expecting a response off them if i know it isnt possible because of aspergers, but then i feel empty that i am never going to get that and that feels sad..

[tabz2711]

I am just wondering if anyone has experienced this, i feel one of my parents is on the spectrum and i am finding there lack of empathy and understanding of my own feelings and problems really hard to deal with. if i have a very awful problem and go to talk to them about it as i need some comfort-emotional support etc,sometimes i might get a laugh off them, which always shocks me when this happens, or a yawn sometimes. or sometimes they will listen but drift off in the middle, i go home usually feeling worse. i dont have any local friends to see or talk to really and they are my only support. but sometimes i feel as though they should support me, when i say support i only mean a cup of tea and a 'dont worry'maybe thats to much to expect of my parents. I know really I should give up expecting a response off them if i know it isnt possible because of aspergers, but then i feel empty that i am never going to get that and that feels sad..

 

Hi Lotty

my mum is definitely an Un DX AS and over the years she has upset each member of the family, I tend not to go to her when I am upset because she would worry and it would make her very anxious, she would not be able to sleep and would turn to the bottle to help her cope, luckily I have three sisters and good friends with whom I can turn to in times of need. I live 8 mins walking and 3 by car and she hardly knows my four children, if fact walked right past one of them 5 years ago lol.

 

If I go round I tend to go on my own as she copes better on a one to one, quite hard as she has had 7 children and has 19 grandchildren. Parties are a nightmare, she finds it very difficult when we all turn up for her birthday or my Dads birthday.

 

I have learnt to understand my mum and I love her for what she is, even through life was quite difficult as a child as my mum drank alot, bt I preferred it that way because when she had a drink she was kinder and happier.

It took me all of my counselling training to accept my mum and her behaviour and now that I am having my daughter assessed I can see that my mum has AS.

<'> <'> <'>

S*

[Kathryn]

Hi lotty,

 

This is just my experience:

 

I feel very strongly that my dad is somewhere on the spectrum, after years of thinking and wondering why he appeared to do things differently to everybody else. I always wondered why I appeared to get little help during difficult times in my life - (my mum died when i was 15 so he was the sole parent from then on). I thought he didn't care about me as he didn't appear to show it outwardly, now I reaise he does care very much but in a different kind of way.

 

Recently I met up with him in London and it was the best time I've ever spent with him. I've taken the decision to respond to him as if he's on the spectrum. As a result I just accept him for who he is and take my cue from him. I don't depend on him for any kind of emotional support - I get that elsewhere as I know he won't ever give me that. He's never been anyone I can lean on or talk about feelings with. Even when my mum died it was never discussed.

 

All the time I try to remind myself of the things he has done to show his love. These are usually practical things - he replaced our front door, built us some shelves and he always sends my children drawings and money for birthdays. I'm never going to be able to have heart to heart talks with him, but that's just the way things are - I can't change him.

 

Not offering advice here - just wanted to share my experience,

 

K x

Edited July 2, 2006 by Kathryn

[justamom]

Hi Lotty,

 

My father is AS, defo - self dx... He can see himself in my son, only when we were going thru the dx process with my son did i see the similartities to my father and the more i learn about AS its him to a T.

 

When i was younger and we had friends come over to play i would always have to phone him and say X is over for dinner tonight so when he came home he did not meet someone new and unexpected. Like Kathryn said i used to think that he did not care about us as kids but on reflection I did not understand him and he did care but in his own special way, perhaps a squeeze on the knee as he walked past was his form of affection.

 

I have learnt to accept him now, learning about AS has accuataly brought us alot closer because of the understanding i have of him, but as far as advice goes i must admit he gives very good advice because he does not lie and its straight forward advice no messing around even if its something that you dont want to hear. He does not do the empathy thing well but we just avoid that issue... He is a difficult so and so to get along with sometimes but we do love him dearly.....

[tabz2711]

I too have decided that to respond to my mum the same way as Kathryn mentioned, and it has helped my relationship with my mum as I understand her more and know that she can't help the way she behaves. I used to think she didn't love us but I know she does but just can't express it the same. She is wonderful with animals and can express her love to them, in fact I took a photo of my dog and cat round for her on Friday so she can display it, she has no pphotos around the house of my four children only my animals lol

 

My eldest sister did not talk tilll she was three because my mum didn't know that she was supposed to talk to her.

[lisann]

Not sure about my mum deffently has traits of AS but also signs of OCD and suffers deppression.

 

Lisa x

[darky]

my dad is definately on the spectrum but not dx. i was never close to my dad, and growing up i was very confused that i didnt have the relationship with my dad, that all my freinds had. actually i thought all my freinds were weird not me!

[Deblegs]

Dear Lotty

 

Wehn I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, my Mum noticed similar traits in my Dad. he never gave her eye contact fro one thing. Also, he is extremely self centred and he not have any empathy for peoples feelings.

 

My Mum died 3 years ago and I have slowly adjusted to him. I have gradually learnt to accept him as he is and understand him. after all, I should understand him as he has AS like me.

 

I don't seek any emotional support from Dad simpky because he doesn't know how to give it. I get this else where.

 

We support each other practically, but we don't communicate much. I keep my self to myself the majority of the time.

 

From Debbie

[mum22boys]

My father in Law is on the spectrum, I am sure although he is not dx. I could instantly see the simularities once AS was mentioned with M.

 

I barely speak to him, I chose not to. He has no interest in his grandchildren and barely speaks to them. He is down right rude if you ask me but amazingly doesn't see that, but is first to critisise others. he is so like M. We no longer visit as it is so stressful with him and m in the same room. You can't upset his routine in any way at all. If I need a baby sitter i can only ask my mother in law in the mornings otherwise it disturbs his day if it is changed.

 

Both me and my hubby can see it but I am amazed my mother in law is still with him, she is very placid. I have jokingly said it to my mother in law a couple of times but i don't think she takes the hint. Anyway what use would it be now anyway, he certainly won't ever change.

 

mum22boys

[Zemanski]

Hi Tabz,

 

can your mum see faces?

 

There is a condition called prosopagnosia or face blindness associated with ASCs which means a person may be completely functionally blind to faces, just seeing a blur or one feature at a time. Usually they don't realise they are supposed to see a whole face, even where they can see pictures of faces in 2D (some can do this others can't). It makes recognising people and reading and responding to emotion very difficult.

 

PM me if you want to know more, if you run a search for prosopagnosia on the forum there are several threads

 

Zemanski

[bid]

Just to say that if you have a parent on the spectrum, accept the love they show you, even if it isn't quite done in the way that you want.

 

My dad had AS, and he passed away yesterday.

 

Bid

[mum22boys]

Sorry to hear about your dad, Bid. <'> <'>

 

Hope you are ok.

 

mum22boys

[barefoot wend]

Bid

 

So sorry.

 

Barefoot

[Tez]

To Lotty and Bid. No words of wisdom just <'> <'>

[justamom]

Bid, so sorry to hear about your Dad, sending you lots of <'> <'>

 

 

Justamom

[Bullet]

Sorry for your news Bid

[marshmallow]

<'> I'm so sorry to hear your news Bid, take care <'>

[LKS]

Bid so sorry to hear your news <'>

[yoyo]

Dear Bid,

 

That is so sad. I remember you writing about your father on another thread. I am very sorry.

 

Best wishes,

 

Yoyo

[yoyo]

Hi Tabz2711

 

I'm sure my children would write something like that about me. They try to avoid telling me if they have problems as I panic hugely and lose sleep. I don't drink so if I'm stressed they don't have the respite of me beig kinder. I am also better on one to one than when everyone is at home. When we are out I always walk behind my husband and children as they all talk much better than me. I think the children accept my foibles; I am very affectionate towards them and will always help them out, but they would probably say I need careful handling.

 

Yoyo

[lotty]

Just to say that if you have a parent on the spectrum, accept the love they show you, even if it isn't quite done in the way that you want.

 

My dad had AS, and he passed away yesterday.

 

Bid

 

so awful really sorry about your dad

, thankyou all for those i feel much better now and will respond to her as i would an aspie and not bombard her with my stresses as she interprets them as her own pain and not mine, so i will have to burden you lot instead as there is no one else. lots of thanks x

[Zemanski]

<'> <'> <'>

 

take care of yourself, Bid

 

Zemanski

[lancelot]

I think my earlier reply got eaten by my computer.

Bid, so sorry to hear your news. At least you had a chance to understand him and his different way of showing his affection. Thinking of you.

L xx

[mossgrove]

Bid

 

Sorry to hear about your father.

 

Simon

[tabz2711]

Hi Tabz2711

 

I'm sure my children would write something like that about me. They try to avoid telling me if they have problems as I panic hugely and lose sleep. I don't drink so if I'm stressed they don't have the respite of me beig kinder. I am also better on one to one than when everyone is at home. When we are out I always walk behind my husband and children as they all talk much better than me. I think the children accept my foibles; I am very affectionate towards them and will always help them out, but they would probably say I need careful handling.

 

Yoyo

Thank you Yoyo for sharing this with me and its nice to get the side from a Mum. My Mum too is much better on a one to one and I have the best relationship than all her children with her, I think its because I don't have many problems that I can't sort out myself and when go to see her we have a laugh together and I understand her.

<'>

[bid]

Thank you for all your kind thoughts <'>

 

Bidx

[yoyo]

Thank you Yoyo for sharing this with me and its nice to get the side from a Mum. My Mum too is much better on a one to one and I have the best relationship than all her children with her, I think its because I don't have many problems that I can't sort out myself and when go to see her we have a laugh together and I understand her.

<'>

 

Hi Tabz,

 

I suppose I got sidetracked from the main thread of having a parent with autism. My father realised that he had AS when his granddaughter was diagnosed at the age of four. This led to his son being diagnosed and then my father being told that he most likely had AS. I was not brought up by my father but he is USELESS where emotional support is needed. Also thinks all the world is wrong and he is right. I am very like him, except that my empathizing skills are of olympic grade compared with his!! My conclusion is that where there is AS, there is almost always more of it lurking around in the family.

 

Yoyo

[tabz2711]

Hi Tabz,

 

I suppose I got sidetracked from the main thread of having a parent with autism. My father realised that he had AS when his granddaughter was diagnosed at the age of four. This led to his son being diagnosed and then my father being told that he most likely had AS. I was not brought up by my father but he is USELESS where emotional support is needed. Also thinks all the world is wrong and he is right. I am very like him, except that my empathizing skills are of olympic grade compared with his!! My conclusion is that where there is AS, there is almost always more of it lurking around in the family.

 

Yoyo

 

Hi Yoyo

I agree about once someone gets diagnosed you can spot it in others. I have a feeling that I might have AS but with my profession as a counsellor I have been trained well so its not so noticable to anyone else, but I know how I feel and react to others. My Mum, brother, Uncle, poss Grandfather, nephew, niece and one daughter poss two all show strong traits of AS.