I Need Help

[lil_me]

<'> Pleased to hear it sounds like you are managing to sort the problems out. Hope everything goes ok for you both

[Zemanski]

hope everything goes well for you both <'> <'> <'>

 

Zemanski

[Frangipani]

<'> <'> <'>

 

[TheNeil]

Sadly things aren't going smoothly. Just before I was due to go and pick her up last night she phoned to say that he had said he wanted to see her. I figured 'fine, she just wants to tell him that it's over'. This morning she's back to saying that she's 'not sure'

 

I know that she's got to be certain about coming back but I'm starting to get annoyed and even worried

[lollypocket]

Hi TheNeil,

 

I am sorry that it hasn't gone so smoothly. I think you have a right to be annoyed and worried. I would be very wary of her intentions after this. It sounds IMO that she is hedging her bets. I hope that I am wrong and that all works out well.

 

Take care

 

KW

[TheNeil]

Just spent an hour talking to her and I think yesterday was a genuine one-of-those-things and now she's trying to work out if she's coming back for the right reasons. She'd been talking to her boss today and it had been suggested that maybe she could come back to me but then see him for the 'intimate' stuff. This might be suprising but I wasn't actually very happy with that idea

 

So she's gone off to her flat again to think some more and etc. I know it sounds wrong but I'm starting to get very frustrated and annoyed with all of this. Maybe it's my Aspie head but the question is clear cut: Do you want me or not? If you do then you come back home and we try to sort things out. If not then I'll have the doorkey back and you can get the rest of your things

[Bullet]

Maybe it's my probable Aspergers head as well, or maybe everyone would think the same, but I'm going to be honest here. I think that as things stand a trial separation at least would be the best thing. Being brutally frank it sounds as though she is thinking only of her own needs and not considering other people (ie you) in this.

[mossgrove]

I am sorry things are notr working out as you hoped.

 

I agree with Bullet. She has to promise to have nothing more to do with this man before she can move back in, and as things stand she doesn't seem prepared to do that.

 

Simon

[Bagpuss]

TN

 

I can't even begin to imagine your emotional state right now......you must of gone from sheer elation to utter despair over and over. I would proceed with absolute caution......your wife sounds extremely confused and making a decision now is, IMO, dangerous. I agree with Bullet, maybe a trial seperation is the way forward. Take care.

[cmuir]

Hi TheNeil

 

So sorry to hear things aren't going smoothly. You owe it to yourself not to let your wife mess you around. Your right not to even entertain the idea of her coming back to you, but going to him for the intimate stuff - that's not on! If you get back together it has to be on your terms as well. No wonder you're frustrated - you've not had a proper explanation/answers. Sounds like nothing is going to happen overnight. Under the circumstances (ie your wife's state of confusion), that's may not be a bad thing. Time will tell (even though time may be agonising for you). Best wishes.

 

C.

[smallworld]

Hi TheNeil,

I read your thread earlier this evening and went away for awhile to ponder whilst doing other stuff,

You always come across as a very thoughtful and considerate chap,and you have continued this in how you have dealt with this sad situation.

One thing you might not have considered ( and lets face it, why would you ?) is the other bloke's state of mind right now. The birth of a child can do strange thing to a man's head, to the extent where he thinks 'aargh, too much responsibility, must find with woman with no such ties to drag me down'

Your wife might well be taken up with the sheer excitement of the whole 'illicitness' of the affair, but you might well find that the bloke starts to think about the child he's just had, and his job as a father......

I'm not saying this for you to feel any sympathy for the ***, but more as an explanation of what might be happening here.

Your wife might have been sublimating her wish to have a child as something else, and a soon to be dad would be the ideal candidate.

I think this is the issue you really need to discuss, don't agree to have a child if you don't feel that it's right for you, it's not something that you can back out of.

I hope it turns out right for you,

 

wac

Edited August 29, 2006 by waccoe

[Suze]

<'> Hi Neil hope your not doing to bad this morning.Sometimes it can make you feel better about stuff if you start to be the assertive one.I think everyone around you is right now thinking of themselves and what they want .It could be days or weeks before your wife knows for certain what she wants to do.In the mean time you don,t want to be hanging around in limbo waiting.You need a focus , so how about a few days away , take a city break and visit somewhere you,ve never been .Join a gym, go on that running machine and sweat out the hurt.What do you enjoy doing ??..........there are some great cookery courses you can take in Ireland, or how about an art course holiday.I don,t like to think of you waiting for your wife to make her mind up, going away for a few days will also give you time to reflect and think.I,m sure the doc would sign you off for a week.Take care mate Suzex.

[TheNeil]

To be honest I haven't really given him much thought as what he does or doesn't do is his problem. Yes he's at the centre of the 'problem' but he's not alone as Mrs Neil is stood there right alongside him - as the old saying goes 'it takes two to tango'. If he wants to sort things out with his wife and their baby then that's his decision and I'm not going to cause problems, get in their way or even have anything to do with him/them

 

The child issue (between Mrs Neil and me) is now dead and although I'd open up discussion about it some time in the future, at the moment it's just not on the radar. Maybe I'm old fashioned but if you're married to someone then you're married to that person and that means in everything - it's not some kind of part time arrangement or a time share villa in the Algarve where you can have a two week holiday a couple of times a year. She said that I can come across as being 'mechanical' and that I lack spontinaity. I know I do but I can't help that and it's how I've always been. I even tried to come up with a workaround (we stick a sheet of paper on the fridge door and everytime either of us wants to do something, we write it down so that the next time we have a free day, hour etc. we can do the thing on the top of the list - it wouldn't be totally spontaneous but it would allow us to do what we want but also give me time to mentally prepare myself for things)

 

She told me earlier in the week that she knows she made a mistake and that I'm far better than him so,and maybe this is my Aspie head again, I don't see where the problem is and why she keeps trying to confuse and upset me. What was said yesterday really upset me and I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same way I did when I lived on my own about 6 years ago: lonely, empty and with very little reason to keep going for. Maybe it's because it's the weekand and I have very little to do (weekends always were the worst) but I'm down this morning and the longer this drags on the more I'm coming round to having to be on my own and call it a day (with Mrs Neil that is, I'm not about to take 'the coward's way out')

 

My family, who've tried to help both of us, are now saying that, given what Mrs Neil has said, I'd be a fool to take her back and I can see, understand and even agree with that. To be blunt, she lied to me (outright), she's dithering about a decision (if it was that clear cut in that she'd made a mistake and that she wanted me back, why does she keep 'needing time'), , she's keeping me dangling, she's treating me and making me look and feel like an idiot what with all this 'time share' business (seems she really does want the best of both worlds - me for security, someone else for etc. etc. etc.), and she's putting me through hell...and I haven't done anything wrong. I know it'll hurt if we go our seperate ways but, at the moment, she's making it ever more difficult to want her back. I know that it would be tough but, as Gloria Gaynor would say, I will survive

 

On a positive note I did email the local running club last night

[Frangipani]

Hi The Neil,

 

Sorry things have taken a turn around.

 

From another angle, I know and understand you dont give two hoots about the other guy, and why would you, as far as I am concerned the man is a 'cad'

 

What I am feeling a little emotional about is the poor woman who has just had a baby and found out what has been going on.

 

I also look at Mrs TN please forgive me, but doesnt there come a time when one should set boundaries for themselves, and know what is right and wrong, and her to consider being involved with a man who has a wife that is pregnant, says a lot....... Without predjudice, she hasnt given any thought to the well being of this woman and her new born child, and both their behaviour has been totally dishonourable. Disappointing. IMO

 

Sorry the Neil, I really feel for this woman and you who are the innocent of this. There are things that are acceptable and those that really are not, this is really unfair to the woman, and you.

 

I agree with Mossgrove a trial separation would be a sensible way for you to work through your feelings and have some time out from the situation, as neither you or the lady and her newborn deserve this. IMO

 

Hope you dont mind me saying that. Its part of my Christian belief, its like breaking the commandments and I know I will cop a lot of judgement for saying that, but at the end of the day, if you have no boundaries on such issues what will they do in the future. No excuses for either of their behaviour IMO.

 

You sound like a loving caring person and this is totally unreasonable to play with your hearts like this.

 

Edited August 27, 2006 by Frangipani

[TheNeil]

Hope you dont mind me saying that. Its part of my Christian belief, its like breaking the commandments and I know I will cop a lot of judgement for saying that, but at the end of the day, if you have no boundaries on such issues what will they do in the future. No excuses for either of their behaviour IMO.

 

I don't mind at all - at the moment I'm welcoming just about any suggestions and advice that I can get

 

And you're absolutely right, there is no excuse for their behaviour - they're both to blame. When I got married it was for life, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. It wasn't 'until something/someone else comes along'. I've been a good husband, I've never strayed, looked, been nasty, hit her, abused her or anything. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, I don't gamble. I've given her everything that she's ever wanted but it seems that this just isn't enough. When she came into my life she had nothing (her first marraige disintegrated when her first husband became an alcoholic gambler) and I picked her up (figuratively speaking), got her back on her feet both financially and emotionally, gave her a safe, secure home and, cutting to the chase, loved her...and this is what happens. The more it sinks in, the more betrayed, angry, frustrated, saddened and miserable I feel. Then when she comes out with suggestions like yesterday's...

 

I think in this case she's forced me into making a decision and, although regretable, I don't think I want her back anymore (it's sad but it's true). Before yesterday's 'encounter' I wanted her back but her suggestion that she can 'look elsewhere' when she pleases is just not practical, moral or acceptable (to me anyway). The fact that she can even suggest this makes me think that even if I was to take her back, I won't be able to trust her anymore. I'm already starting to question (to myself anyway) where she is and the Friday night 'hiccup', although I have no evidence, has got me very concerned - Ok maybe it was all a mix-up but I'm questioning that now and this is not how I want to live my life. Yesterday when she was 'at work' I wondered. When she was late coming to see me I also wondered. Then when she didn't answer her phone...

 

I know that I've been a little bit insular in my thinking regarding him and I know that his wife is no doubt going through hell too but I'm having to be selfish and think about me. I don't know what he's doing about his wife/baby and whether he even wants to get back with her - that though, as far as I'm concerned, is his problem. This all blew up last week because his wife found out (she was checking his phone each morning and when Mrs Neil told me this (before telling me the whole truth) I assumed that she was a wacko - now I'm not so sure) and I was blissfully unaware. Mrs Neil seems to think that this, somehow, makes it Ok - I didn't know so it therefore wasn't affecting me...so where's the harm? It's this attitude that has upset me the most I think - do I mean that little to her that she thinks this type of behaviour is acceptable or allowable? Does she really think that little of me that I'll happily stand by while she <insert rude word here> some bloke whenever she feels like it just because I'm 'not up to scratch'? No-one can live like that

 

I know this will sound petty and peurile but I'm hurting and she's not telling me that she's sorry and that she genuinely feels that she made a mistake (which I could understand and maybe forgive - we are all human after all). If anything she's doing the exact opposite and the fact that it's taking her so long to realise what she's lost (not wanting to sound big headed) is making me feel that she doesn't have the same strong feelings for me that I had/have for her

[Frangipani]

The Neil

 

I just sent you a PM as many know here I am going through something similar but not exactly the same.

 

Just sharing with you in private things I am doing that is helping me get my life back on track. I really understand the hurt you are feeling all to well unfortunately.

 

As I have said Suze is absolutely spot on. Her words of wisdom and many other lovely caring people on here helped me too.

 

Enough said read my PM I believe there is a lot in it that can be comforting and helpful. Keep up those activities like running get the pain out.....read my PM.

 

Take care

 

<'>

[kirstie]

TN <'> <'> Honey, it's time to get tough!!

There is no way in hell i'd allow my other half to be with me and go elswhere for the other stuff, and if i'm honest i seriously doubt her boss would have even suggested such a thing. Maybe (perhaps i'm being cynical here...) she was testing the water as to how you would react to such a 'proposal' ?? and just maybe she is hanging around with her decision, carrot dangling as it were, because she doesn't know what HE is going to do?? Maybe he has given her a chink of light and has turned her head again.....who knows, certainly not you! She is playing you like a good 'un and i think you need to think of yourself. You will always be wondering whether you get back together or not......

I'm sorry for sounding so negative but you truly have been very patient here and you deserve better. I also believe in the marriage vows and forsaking all others means just that.

I agree with whoever said you should take yourself out of the situation just for a bit, have a short break and take time to reflect. Sitting in your home with all the memories and your wifes belongings around you is bound to be hard.

Sweetheart think of you, you don't deserve it.

I know it's sooo hard when you love someone and you're hurting. I hope you can get things sorted i do, but do NOT be a doormat for anyone.

Take care,

Kirstie.

Edited August 27, 2006 by kirstie

[TheNeil]

Well she's gone and made her decision and...it wasn't me

 

I've just spent the past hour sorting our her things and I think it's starting to hit home that she's never coming back. After what she said on Saturday (the 'sharing' thing which did actually come from her boss) I was pretty sure that I couldn't take her back but she decided that she wanted him instead of me so at least I was spared that nasty job...it still hurts like hell though

 

If my stupid boss wasn't away all week and I wasn't having to run the department then I'd be taking Suze's advice and going away for a while

 

I'm devestated and even though I keep wanting to cry, nothing is coming out

Edited August 28, 2006 by TheNeil

[bid]

Oh TN <'> <'> <'>

 

Try and take things gently <'>

 

Bidx

[Bagpuss]

I'm so sorry TN Take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself <'>

[Suze]

CR*P, CR*P, CR*P

 

 

Well.................. <'> <'> ,big squeezy hugs (soz I know you don,t like them)..........I think it,s bad , real bad , that your going through this , you don,t deserve it.Knuckle down with work this week , take over time ,and lose yourself in it .Then please do something for you <'> Neil is now officially at the top of the list , get away from this for a while escape to somewhere different and clear your head.Ignite your dreams , ambitions, and goals.I think your a bit of an animal lover , any chance of a new pet?I,ve got some chickens coming this week I can,t wait , I,m so excited...been reading books etc.Get another focus for your care and love .(I,m not trying to equate the loss of Mrs TN to a chicken ).So glad your running ,it,ll be the London marathon before you know it.Take care Suzex.

[BusyLizzie100]

TheNeil,

 

I always look forward to reading your posts because you write so well and you often display a great streak of devilish humour. I've just got back from hols and yours is the first post I read - I made a beeline for you! - and I'm so, so sad to hear all the ups and downs you've been through, and are going through.

 

I'm afraid I haven't got much practical advice, so many lovely people have already done that and more, but I am so upset on your behalf. I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

By the way, I think you have every right to take time off work, whether the boss is away or not. It depends what you want most - whether the routine of work will help you, or whether you need time to get away for a bit. That's your decision, but don't stay at work just because it might inconvenience everyone else - you need to come first right now.

 

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. If sleep (or lack of it) is becoming a real issue, would it be worth visiting your GP for a bit of short-term assistance in that area? Your GP may have other helpful advice.

 

Please carry on posting. We are all your friends here - friends you have made by posting on here - and I definitely want to here how you get on. Tell us what you're having for tea, if it helps! (I'm trying to do the GI diet but I've already blown it by polishing off the kids' delicious white bread sandwiches - yummy. That means more flippin' salad tonight).

 

All the best,

Lizzie xx

[noogsy]

hi TN what total poooooo.i wish i could say somthing helpfull will hugs do <'> <'> <'> make sure and phone your mum.get proper support from people who care about you.if you think you are going to have a freek out you might have to go see your GP.so sorry hun its sooo not fair.thinking about you...love noogsy

[TheNeil]

Well I finally broke down this afternoon. I'd just finished putting the last of Mrs Neil's clothes in a bag and was sat just...there. With nothing to do or occupy me I just sobbed my little heart out. I miss her so much and I just don't know what I'm going to do without her. I'm all alone in the world (I know I have my mum and my brother and you lot here have been great, but it isn't the same) and I think that it's finally dawned on me - before today there was that glimmer of hope that she might come back and maybe part of my head was pretending that she had just gone away for a few days for a holiday or something

 

I know, given time, I'll pick myself up and there are a lot of really good suggestions being made but I just feel tired though. I'm exhausted physically and mentally and I just want someone to make it all better right now, and sort out all of those things that I now have to get done this week (solicitors, council tax, electricity, gas etc.). Maybe the weekend has amplified everything as I couldn't lose myself in work but, right now, everything looks totally bleak (although I realise that it will get better with time). I'll just have to soldier on, even if it's just for the sake of the guinea pigs and the budgies (neither of which Mrs Neil said goodbye to when she went - poor little things)(and that's 'poor little things' in that 1) she didn't say goodbye to them and 2) I'm now in charge of them)

 

Maybe it would help if I got stinking drunk but I don't drink (my sister-in-law was aghast when my brother told her I'd had a Southern Comfort last Monday night - she'd never seen me drink or even heard of me drinking in the 6 years she's known me) and the slug of brandy I had this afternoon just made my stomach feel bad...which didn't help matters any (so I just went to bed and read a book). I have had something to eat tonight though and I will be going running tomorrow (either on my own or with other people if the running club get in touch)

 

I don't want to state the bleedin' obvious...but I'm in a mess

Edited August 28, 2006 by TheNeil

[LizK]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

So sorry you are going through all this

 

Lx

[mossgrove]

I'm so sorry about all this. Grieving for what you have lost is a natrual part of the process, and I think you are right, drinking won't really help.

 

We're all here for you.

 

Simon

[Zemanski]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

You know where we are

 

take care of yourself

 

Zemanski

[Suze]

hey Neil you have to hurt to get better, and this may take time , but you will slowly get over this .You have been on a terrible emotional roller coaster this last week and I bet you shattered by it.Please coninue to post, let us know your eating and feeding the guniea pigs,hope the running club get in touch for that run tomorrow.Try to get some sleep tonight Suzex.

[lynyona]

<'> <'> <'> Sorry things are bad for you at the minute <'> <'> <'>

 

 

 

 

 

lynn

[Frangipani]

Ooh TN I am so sorry <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> that must have taken the wind out of your sails, I know you were hopeful of better than this.

 

Let that anger out, get physical, do it with jogging it will help you calm your mind. You need to get it out.......sure you need lots of rest too - look after your health and diet and drink lots of fluids you need your strength. I know you cant walk away from work this week, but warm milk will help you sleep, try and get off the computer at least an hour before sleep to help you wind down. If you keep up the exercise this will help you sleep too.

 

Once you recharge as you must be completely zapped of any energy at the moment .... just keep going forwards and dont look back TN, you go and pound that pavement, run run run turn that pain into a zest for a new and better life. You will feel it in your walking and jogging its the only way to release the pain, sitting around doesnt do any good. Escape into some good books, refocus your mind, and like someone said Neil is the top of the list, thank God you know now before you considered having children, things would have been much much harder had there been children involved.

 

Take care of you, we are all here for you, you have a lot of friends here sending you lots of cyber prayers and hugs so please dont feel alone, we are all with you in spirit.

 

That author I mentioned in the PM has many wonderful books and am sure there is one that will hold you hand and walk you through this healing journey. Look at his website.

 

Again bad things happen to good people and this is not fair. Just remember God is not the author of your life, he loves you and is with you and around you all the time, you just have to ask for his help and guidance and he will be there for you. I know by heart.

 

We are with you on your healing journey, it onwards and upwards for you Neil Go marathon man....

 

<'>

Edited August 29, 2006 by Frangipani

[Kathryn]

Hi TheNeil,

 

Having been away till today, I've just read your whole thread right through and I'm really sorry to hear what's happened.

 

In time I hope it'll start to hurt a little less; for now take life one day at a time, and keep talking to those who care about you in "real life" and to us on the forum too. <'>

 

K x

[smallworld]

Hi TheNeil,

I too am really sorry for turn things have taken, be strong, and do what's right for you <'>

What I was trying to say in my earlier post (really badly, but that's TSOML) is that it's quite likely that this bloke will skunk off back to his wife, after a short period of escapism. I think you have to think now about how will you feel if your wife wants to return then ?

I can tell how much you love her, and I don't want you to be walked over by her,

Get running......clear your head,

 

all the best,

 

wac

[brooke]

Hi TheNeil

Ive just come back from holiday and read your post, im really sorry for you. All i can think of is give her time to miss you im sure she will and maybe after time you might both be clearer on what you want. She has obviously hurt you very much and it will take a long time to heal but you will. Just take one day at a time try and keep yourself busy.

Take care

Love

 

Brooke

[BusyLizzie100]

Hi TheNeil,

 

Just wanted to say hello to you today. Did you manage to get much sleep last night? Let us know if you decided to take time off work or whether you're at work today.

 

I'm at work but can't concentrate after 2 weeks off. Even forget my pass this morning.

 

Lizzie <'>

[TheNeil]

I didn't get too much sleep and was awake at 4:15 this morning (rather than the far more 'sensible' 6:00am). Not all bad news as I am getting through all of those books I've been meaning to find time to read

 

I'm in the office today and that's helping a lot as a couple of the 'older' non-IT people asked how my weekend had been and I told them. Got a lot of support (for once) and I probably opened up a bit more simply because the IT department was devoid of people at the time (supposed to be going out to lunch with one of them but we'll have to see). Both of them had been divorced in the past (one guy had been through the same experience of his wife leaving him 'out of the blue') and I got some good advice about what to do on the legal side of things. I'm off to see a solicitor tomorrow to get things moving. I know that some people would probably say that I'm rushing things but I just want it over and done with - the sooner my little corner of Harrogate is safely mine again, the happier I'll be

 

Also started switching all of the utility bills over into my name and while the electricity company were awkward (they won't do anything without Mrs Neil's approval), everything else is going through so that's making me feel as though I'm loosening her grip on me and also taking charge again (and it's keeping me busy)

 

I'm still low generally but I'm keeping busy at the moment (probably too busy - I've finished 3 of my six tasks for the week...in just one morning) - when I leave here tonight then I think it might hit me again but I'll be off running tonight (either on my own or with a club depending if they've emailed me back) so that should help. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll get better and, although it doesn't feel like it right now, I know that you're right. I think that the shock is starting to hit me and the sooner I can get through that, the sooner I can start picking myself back up

[Flora]

I can't add anything to what's been said already. Just to let you know we are all here for you TN...

 

Flora

[Bullet]

It's early days yet TN. Just take things slowly.

[Frangipani]

It's early days yet TN. Just take things slowly.

 

I agree let the dust settle before you make huge changes. Nothings set in concrete at the moment. Be gentle with yourself. Take it slow......

 

F

[Frangipani]

The Neil

 

I still feel reading that book I recommended via PM will be very helpful either way, as I found it helped me get through the days, and it will help you work through all your emotions. It will help you decide what way to go and or how to go forward or sort through your relationship if she decides to come back in the future.

 

In the mean time it will help process this and all those emotions going through your mind at night, affecting your sleep. There is only so much jogging and work you can do to keep things off your mind, but many questions are going come flooding in, the book is a gem, either way. I got more out of that book than going to see a counsellor. IMO.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care, one day at a time.

 

[lollypocket]

Hi,

 

I can't add anything to the good support and advice already given. Do take care of yourself (and the furred and feathered occupants of home), and I hope you will feel better soon.

 

KW