Playing on the computer

[BusyLizzie100]

DS1 (not far off 9) would play on the computer all day if he could. It's one of his few pastimes, and it's also one of the only ways to get him to calm down, eg if he is stressed or anxious or post-meltdown then he seems to actively 'need' the release that the computer can give him.

 

Apart from this he bounces on the trampoline or reads, but the computer is the main thing. The next best thing is his Gameboy or watching TV/DVDs.

 

When it's time to come off the computer, he always gives us grief. If he comes off with no fuss when asked he gets a star on his chart, but that's rare. He often sneaks down early in the morning before we're all awake and we find him playing on it. OK, I could put a lock or something on it, but the question is, how far should I go in trying to control this addiction?

 

When's he not on the computer he asks constantly when he can go back on, even when given precise answers. We get him to take screen breaks of 5/10 mins of jumping on the trampoline, but he's always desperate to get back on the computer.

 

I feel uneasy about letting him go on it whenever he likes, because that would mean all the time, but how long is too long?

 

Life is getting tougher and tougher with DS1 as he gets older. He tries to control the whole household and it's all getting incredibly stressful for all of us. The phsyical outbursts and tantrums are getting worse, too. That's probably enough for another topic, but for now the computer thing is just driving us all mad.

 

Any ideas?

Lizzie

[jb1964]

Hi Lizzie,

 

My daughters 13 and the computer is her life - during one assessment with CAHMS when they asked who her friends were - she told them her computer. Although she loves her DS or will read/watch DVD's/TV (Simpsons/Futurama etc) - her computer is the main thing - it is her comfort zone when everything is too much.

 

We have found it difficult to restrain her from using it -as she always needs to be 'doing' something (that interests her). She doesn't go out and has limited interests - but we do try to implement rules i.e. breaks etc, she can only go on there after homework (with concession if she needs the computer for her homework) and she has to be off it by 8.30pm - can only use it in the mornings if she's dressed/brushed teeth/hair etc (which is another thing!!) - obviously when there's no school it's far harder.

 

As for 'life is getting tougher and tougher with DS1 as he gets older' - I couldn't agree more, but haven't found any solutions (sorry!).

 

Take care,

Jb

[LizC]

Hi Matthew 6 also loves his computer, he loves surfing the net and looking up websites for films etc. he would stay on it all day too, it is the only time he isn't making loads of noise and jumping all over the place lol, we were told to limit it to an hour a day but that is so hard as sometimes I just want some peace and to distract him from other stuff I put him on the PC. he is really good with the computer and always changing his desktop.

[elaine1]

same here. t is often on it when i get up at 7 in the morning. its either that ot the ps2, he will go out to play footy for an hour or so but thats all the excercise he gets really. we try to take him out for walks but he says his legs and feet hurt after 10 minutes and we practically have to carry him home! hes 13 and five foot 2 so not easy as im only 5 ft lol.

[Suze]

This isn,t a problem weve had as my son struggles to read so has never had any big interest in the computer.Have a look at Luke Jacksons bok because he explains really well how attached and obsessed he is with the puter, it may give you a different perspective on the situation, all the best Suzex

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Robert is 4.5 and he's glued to his gameboy. He's just started school and I've noticed as soon as I get him home he picks it up. I think it's a type of release for him. He's also taken a real interest in the computer. At the moment, I'm all for it, but I can see that he may get obsessive about it.

 

C.

[Karen A]

Hi we have the same problem-I feel like I have to fight for computer time,when I do get on I am harassed until I get off.Ben was shouting before 7am because he could not get on line today.I find it difficult because it is a real strength for him and has helped his social skills-but I am starting to think perhaps we need to firm up the boundaries a bit.Karen

[brooke]

Hi

My son is constanly on his gameboy and gets violent when we take it away. Its very hard because sometimes he gets stressed when he cant do the games i feel like i cant win. I get it off him by saying it needs charging but even then he still goes looking for it. I suppose i do let him on it a lot but i feel its one of his only enjoyments he doesnt really play with toys.

Brooke

[badonkadonk]

Hi Lizzie,

 

Ok, here goes, just stay with me because hopefully some of what I will write will be helpful I promise.

 

I too use my computer all the time, it's one of the few hobbies I have and one of the things I greatly enjoy in life. I use my computer to read about the days' news and to play lots and lots of games, on and offline. I'm always searching for new games to play, new ways to challenge my mind. I like reading the news because I like to know what is happening in the world that day so I am prepared for any conversations I might have with people where they mention what is happening in the world.

 

The biggest question I guess I have to ask is...if you don't want your son playing on the computer, what else would you like him to be doing? Because if you are going to limit his access to the computer, you're going to have to give him something else to do or find something else he likes. Other kids might like to run about with their mates outside or watch the tv, your son likes to play on the computer and I fail to see what is wrong with this if you structure his evening accordingly so that he can get everything done that he needs to do.

 

If you want to limit his time spent on the computer then the best thing I can suggest is giving him an evening activity plan. Make him a chart which specifically states what he has to do before he can play on the computer. For example, from 3.40pm to 4.40pm he completes any homework he might have/tidies his bedroom and gets changed putting his clothes for the next day ready to wear (this will help ease his stress levels in the morning also) then from 4.40pm to 5.10pm explain to him that during this 30minutes he needs to be physically active because it is good for the body and ensures a healthy lifestyle...bouncing on the trampoline is excellent because it is both fun and a really good workout. 5.10pm till 5.30pm could be spent eating dinner and then from then on until half an hour before bed I don't see a problem with him being on the computer. Especially if he is playing games because he is exercising his mind! If you are worried about him staring at a computer screen for 3 hours, buy him puzzles and games he can physically complete himself. If he is looking on the computer about the things that interest him, this is no bad thing either as it allows him to find out the information he wants to find out, if he didn't have the internet you would be taking him to the libary most evenings I assure you!!! The internet is an excellent resource for information, great for playing games to expand the mind, especially sudoku, and can lead to an improvement in social skills if your son starts chatting to other children.

 

There aren't a lot of inexpensive things other than the computer, the television, books and toys or playing with other children, that kids can do of an evening. You might as well forget the playing with children thing, unless it is something he wants to do because most likely it will just make him stressed and unhappy. Playing with toys can be quite lonely and boring, especially if you are lacking in or have no desire to create imaginative play. Reading a book is virtually the same as playing on the computer/reading information on the computer and watching the television is usually a whole lot worse than all these activities. The other things you could do is play games with your son, but that takes up your time, and could perhaps be pursued once a week. Alternatively you could suggest he takes up a hobby and goes to classes for something like karate or drama, though this would be more time consuming for yourself and could cause potential social problems for your son and cause him to experience more stress. I know when I tried to join drama clubs or a sewing club I found it stressful that I was expected to be somewhere at the same time every week when some weeks I didn't feel like going or was obsessed with something else that week.

 

For the half an hour before bed I would suggest that you ask him to write in a diary or make a plan for the next day, anything to rid him of as much anxiety as you can and also it will slow his brain down, as although I love being on the computer I also know that if I play games in that half an hour before I go to bed, I find it hard to settle down and in my mind, when I close my eyes, I see the puzzles I was playing. You could also ensure during this time that he showers/bathes, brushes his hair and teeth as this is something I forget to do unless I include it in my plan of things to do that day. Another alternative is listening to music for half an hour whilst lying in bed. For his being on the computer in a morning, make sure that this too is planned out, that he knows he must dress, eat breakfast and make sure everything is packed and ready for school before he can play on the computer. If he is ready in time then he can play but he must be off by such and such time so that he can get to school on time. Again I don't see anything wrong with him being on the computer in a morning as most kids are only vegged out in front of the tv anyway.

 

For those who want to use the computer themselves, the easiest, though certainly not the cheapest, alternative is to buy your child a computer for christmas and invest in a router. Another alternative is a laptop because then you could encourage your child to sit outside and play on the computer if you think they are not getting enough fresh air!!

 

I'm sorry for the essay style rant, but it kinda hits a nerve because I used to get this all the time off my parents as well and everytime I would be like, what else would you like me to do?? I'm not going to sit silently in my bedroom just because you think it is unhealthy to be in front of the computer (FYI I'm now 23 and have no problems that I could associate with using a computer, other than I get teased for my fast typing ability sometimes). The expectation that I should be outside having fun or "getting some fresh air" always upset me because it is the one thing that people find hardest to understand. I don't like people, I don't like playing or talking with people, I find it hard and stressful and challenging and not at all fun so why would anyone actively encourage me to do this because it is the "right thing to do". Similarly when my mom suggests I get fresh air, I open the window and go back to playing on the computer. As long as I get my 30 minutes of exercise a day, eat healthily, manage my chores and anything else that I need to do for the day, why shouldn't I play on the computer?

 

I hope this helps, I'm not meaning to have a go at you or anything I'm just trying to come at it from a different perspective, from a perspective that is probably similar to your son's, I'm just not very good at structuring what I say or hide my frustration with my own experiences. At the end of the day we're not "normal", we are a bit different and I'm not ashamed of that. So many people say to me, now you're diagnosed, now you know, it shouldn't make a difference because you are still you, you're still 99% like us. And I'm like, you're very wrong, it DOES make a difference because I am different and as such I have to change my life to accomodate my needs and do the things that make me happy, and these are often the very opposite of what make others happy or the opposite of what is acceptable to others, what is considered "the norm". I don't want to be treated like everyone else because if I am treated the same I get upset easily, I get mistaken for a [expletive removed], for not a nice person, there is no understanding and life is generally miserable.

 

Things are going to get more difficult for you as your son gets older because the older and wiser he gets, the more he will begin to realise how different he is to everyone else, how he is expected to conform and be like everyone else and how impossible that is. He will be frustrated with his limitations socially and might suffer from depression as a result of this. However, you can help your son and help yourself by adapting to him rather than try and adapt his autism to fit with a normal lifestyle. Ultimately the happier your son is, the happier you are and the easier your life is. Dealing with Autism doesn't mean pandering to one person's needs or a miserable life, it just means that sometimes, the best solution isn't necessarily down the beaten track, sometimes there is a track just to the left or the right, a track which offers a different perspective of the world, that offers the better answer for everyone.

 

Implementing a daily activity plan will not be easy I am positive, but it is something that could be pursued and should be pursued long term if it is to work. 3-4 hours on a computer a day should be enough to satisfy your son's craving/obsession to get at the information or games he wants and the more used to the plan he gets the less violent or upset he should become when it comes to turning the computer off. It's only an idea, and a plan works for me, even though I now implement my own plans upon myself, I still need the structure in my life or else I really would just spend all day living in my obsessions and even I know that isn't the right thing to do because there are chores and ways in which I must take care of myself that I need to do also.

 

Good luck! :-)

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

 

 

 

Edited by Montee to comply with forum rules

Edited August 31, 2006 by Montee

[UltraMum]

Wow Badonkadonk - lots of great advice and ideas there - thanks for that - we have similar problems with my DS - no sooner in the door than the computer is on - we went the laptop+router route so that at least I can access the net as well ...

[BusyLizzie100]

thanks all for your replies, especially Badonkadonk - I found your reply really helpful and it's given me lots to think about. It really helps to look at it from a different perspective and, seeing as my son can't express himself terribly well, you've done a brilliant job on his behalf.

 

In fact, Badonkadonk, you've given me so much to think about that it's going to take time to sink in and I can't reply to everything you've said right now. Suffice to say, don't apologise for the 'essay style rant' because I really appreciate everything you've said. Thanks. The point about adapting to my son rather than trying to adapt his autism to fit a normal lifestyle really hits home.

 

I suppose my main concern is that playing games on the computer all day will somehow be bad for my son and stop him doing other things or turn him into a zombie. I suppose I should be more concerned that he's ergonomically appropriate and takes regular screenbreaks!

 

Thanks, Badonkadonk, for opening my eyes.

 

Lizzie x

[badonkadonk]

Thanks for seeing the positive intent in what I was trying to say, I think me apologising in advance for almost everything I write is a defence mechanism I've built up over the years because I tend to "think outside the box" and therefore get told I'm wrong a lot lol! If I disagree with people, and I mostly do, they tend not to stop and bother to look at what I'm saying, even though I might have a really valid point, so thanks for taking the time to read what I had to say!

 

I thought a little more about this issue last night, firstly in terms of worrying about your son missing out on other things you could always try and broaden his horizons via the computer if you wanted to, pretend that a friend wants to look into local clubs or a specific hobby for their child, but they don't know much about computers, and would he mind doing a little research for her. Chances are he might just want to do it, and even take an interest in some of the activities while he's looking. It's a bit of a random idea but it might work, similarly get him looking at the bbc skillswise internet sites because they have games that are educational as well. Looking forward to christmas, and I know I am because I want this also, Nintendo have a new game out for the DS called Brain Training (which is ?16.99 from www.play.com, free delivery, even though it's out of stock at the moment) and another called Big Brain Academy, which as well as being games are also designed to improve your mind. I know you haven't mentioned anything about wanting the games to be more educational, but I think it can't be a bad thing for him to be playing these types of games as well as normal games if his current obsession is his computer. You might as well turn it into a positive.

 

Ultimately though, I don't know if it's the same for your son, once I get obsessed with something nothing else matters until that obsession either dies down slightly or I move onto something else altogether. I only ever spend less time on the computer if I am reading a book or if I'm watching a television programme, for example Big Brother reduces the time spent on the computer but increases the time in front of the tv hugely. And while I think that it's fine for me to do the things I want to do right now, and not try to do other things because it would seem right to do, because ultimately it would make me unhappy, you need to work with your son for the future so that he can manage his life and his obsessions effectively. I don't know how to explain this so here is an example. When I buy a new game or book all I want to do is play the game or read until I complete either. It takes over everything, I would skip school just so I could finish reading a book or I say no to going anywhere because I want to finish playing a game. I realise that this isn't always appropriate and so have learnt not to start reading a book or playing a game unless I can indulge in concentrating 100% on either. For example, I might only start reading a book very early in the morning at a weekend so that I can finish the book by night time or if I must stay up at night to read, it doesn't matter because the next day is a Sunday. Chances are your son could experience the same OCD style of behaviour so while don't tell him he can't do something or it's not right to do something, you need to work with him to get him to understand that obsessions have to be managed or else they will interfere with life or get out of control. I am much happier now that I understand my obsessions and can explain them to my family, they know if I'm reading they won't be able to get me to do much else and understand that in a few hours time it will be over and I will be "back to normal again" lol.

 

It seems I could go on forever but I'll stop for now, you said it was hard to take it all in and I understand that, being only diagnosed with AS last December, the last 8 months have been huge for me and I've come to understand myself and others in ways I never imagined. But please don't hesitate to ask me things if you need advice or an autistic perspective because I might as well put use to the fact that I have AS but can somewhat effectively communicate my feelings and opinions and ideas to others (well, 70% of the time lol). That goes for everyone and I'm sure there are other Aspies on here who feel the same as I do. I am especially here for anyone with autistic kids because if I can do anything to help you to help yourself and your children to have a better life or manage their autism better, I will rack my brains and see what it says. I would never wish anyone to grow up not knowing who they are and understanding themselves as I did.

 

Badonkdonk

xxx

 

A quick tip - any advice that you think might be relevant and that you could use, start a notebook and jot ideas or perspectives down and make a habit of referring to the notebook once a week to begin with and then monthly so that all these ideas and differences are fresh in your mind. It would be a great idea for your son also, because sometimes it is easy to forget that something is happening or we are a certain way because of the autism, I've been toying with the idea of starting a senses list for myself for the past few days because the more I learn about myself the more I realise how my AS affects me. Lawnmowers, certain accents, the smell of fish, the taste of melon...all these things make me quite upset and sometimes, especially if I'm outside, I don't know why I'm getting agitated and I have to stop and think, what is it in my surroundings that is bothering me because I'm not a bad person, something is upsetting me...and then I can usually identify that it's the sound of that baby crying or the smell of the person standing in front of me in the queue. It might also help you understand more about your son as well if you read his notebook (maybe without him knowing!) if he can't verbally relate these things to you. Ok, I'm definately stopping now!!!

[BusyLizzie100]

Badonkadonk,

 

Once again, thanks! Yep, you're right, I wouldn't mind too much if the games were more educational so thanks for the tips. You can never write too much for me to read, I absorb it like a sponge.

 

And yes, you're right again about the new game thing; he's just bought a new game that has got him so obsessed and that's what prompted my post! He's desperately interested in Warhammer at the moment, (horrible computer game) and is obsessing about buying the kits, paints, etc. There's a shop in town that has the games all set up but he has to be 12 before he can participate. That doesn't stop him; he'd hang around the shop all day if possible. The unfortunate thing about Warhammer is that my son is badly coordinated, both gross and fine motor skills are poor (his handwriting is barely legible), so painting something tiny and precise is way, way beyond him. I think that with my son it's often the notion/idea or the possessing/collecting of things that gets him excited. It's his birthday in three months and we've told him to put Warhammer on his birthday list, not very satisfying I know but it's the best we can do. Unfortunately this wasn't enough and he had a total meltdown this morning because it isn't his birthday today - ending in him attacking me and, I have to say, he's a big lad for 8 and he puts his all into his aggression. It can be quite scary.

 

Anyway, as a reward for sitting through the queues at TWO sets of shoe shops today (school starts next week) I bought him a fighting fantasy (?) book which has kept him busy all evening. And you're right - I won't get any sense out of him until he's finished with it!

 

Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

Lizzie x

[bramblebrae]

Thankyou Badonkadonk your posts have given me alot of insight and very useful information which will help my son and myself.

I look forward to your future posts.

 

take care

Lorraine

[badonkadonk]

I know what you mean about having poor motor skills, I can't even draw a straight line let alone set about painting something as finicky as Warhammer figures. I guess one way around this might be to get him some paper and paints and get him to produce larger replica pictures of the Warhammer figures and create a little display wall in his room. He probably won't be able to do it very well, but at least it's having a go and a cheap alternative until his birthday (and answer to his impatience, I know all too well about this!) and I know that our abilities can be improved upon. I remember when I was younger I used to stand outside my house for hours throwing/kicking a ball against the wall a. because I liked the repetitive nature of doing the activity and b. because I used to get upset that I couldn't catch the ball or I missed the ball when I tried to kick it. Now I catch the ball around 60% of the time, a big improvement. I'm not saying he's going to become Picasso or even ever be able to paint Warhammer figures, but his overall skills might improve. Similarly there are pens out there that help with handwriting, that force the hand to take a good writing position. I don't know much about them because I got obsessed with learning how to write when I was 3, but I know they exist because my mom's a primary school teacher and I studied teaching at univeristy for a while before realising it was something that I probably won't be able to do for the near future, it wasn't the kids, it was the other teachers and stupid rules enforced in schools!!! Arrraggh.

 

With regards to your son attacking you, just reinforce the issue that violence is unacceptable, don't let him get away with it just because he's autistic and while he might be big for 8 years old, you're still bigger!! Deny him access to the computer for 30minutes and keep doing this everytime he is violent towards you. Stay quiet and in control and don't raise your voice or tell him to stop shouting because chances are he can't help that bit. Try and get him into the habit of telling you as soon as he begins to feel himself getting angry or upset, this will work wonders when out in public also as when I was younger I didn't feel like I could turn around to my mom and say, mom these lights in the supermarket and all the different conversations make me want to punch something because it felt so trivial and people would go, stop being so silly. But everything is magnified 100 times and more for me so it's not trivial and silly, and now I can say this to my mom and she says ok, want to go and sit in the car? look at the cds and magazines or listen to your ipod? By removing myself from the situation and venting before I start shouting these things become easier to manage and each trip doesn't turn into the trip from hell. I know it's more money, but an ipod has worked wonders for me when I go outside, when I get stressed I just plug myself in, select my relax playlist and block everything out. A cheaper alternative is earplugs, and try sunglassess in places like a supermarket and plenty of water because I find if I stress out I dehydrate. Though if you do this, reinforce safety issues such as taking out the earplugs/headphones before crossing the road and things like that because he won't think about them.

 

Talking about venturing out, I'm going to try and go to the cinemas this afternoon with my boyfriend, I love films but hate cinemas because I'm very sensitive to the noises people make when they eat or the visual sight of their mouths going round and round, something about it makes me feel incredibly sick and very, very angry/violent. I just can't cope with it, so going to the cinema is a nightmare, I have to make sure that I sit with as few people around me as possible. I don't know if anyone else's children or any other Aspies will have the same problem, but it's something to look out for, them getting agitated or upset during meal times or when dining out. I eat all my meals in a seperate room and take my ipod if I must go out for a family occassion, though I tend to just steer clear if I can.

 

Anyway, enough again for the time being!! It's quite knackering mentally this, but I really enjoy helping others and learning more about myself in the process My mom said last night that I should write a book, a little book of advice and get people's opinions from all over the world! It's something I might look into in the future, you never know

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

 

Another quick thought....watch Supernanny on Channel 4 for ways to help with his "acting out". While the anger and violence is probably as a result of his frustrations and upset caused 90% of the time by his AS. There are methods and ways to prevent boiling point being reached, like I mentioned previously, and Supernanny has really good techniques that might help!