One-sided 'friendships'

[oxgirl]

I'm so sick of doing all the running regarding my son's so-called friends!!

My lad hasn't got any proper friends, but there are these two mums I know with boys who I invite over to play every now and then. I'm just so sick of being the one who does all the running all the time.

 

Every few months or so I ring up each of the mums and ask if their kid wants to come over to play. 'Oh, lovely, they say' and the kid comes over and I make it nice for them and they have a nice play with my son for a couple of hours and then in a couple of months I do it all again. WHY CAN'T THEY EVER, EVER call me!!!, neither of them EVER does. I get so sick of it.

 

Every time I say to myself I'm not bothering anymore, why should I. One of the mums won't have my son over to her house anyway, she'll only bring hers to me. But I feel so embarrassed, it's almost like I'm begging them to bring over their kid (which I am I suppose ). I decide I'm not going to do it anymore, but then, of course, if I didn't then my son would have no-one, absolutely NO-ONE!! I'm so sad and frustrated and I'm sitting here in tears!!

 

Anyone else have the same??

 

~ Mel ~

[LizC]

I'm so sick of doing all the running regarding my son's so-called friends!!

My lad hasn't got any proper friends, but there are these two mums I know with boys who I invite over to play every now and then. I'm just so sick of being the one who does all the running all the time.

 

Every few months or so I ring up each of the mums and ask if their kid wants to come over to play. 'Oh, lovely, they say' and the kid comes over and I make it nice for them and they have a nice play with my son for a couple of hours and then in a couple of months I do it all again. WHY CAN'T THEY EVER, EVER call me!!!, neither of them EVER does. I get so sick of it.

 

Every time I say to myself I'm not bothering anymore, why should I. One of the mums won't have my son over to her house anyway, she'll only bring hers to me. But I feel so embarrassed, it's almost like I'm begging them to bring over their kid (which I am I suppose ). I decide I'm not going to do it anymore, but then, of course, if I didn't then my son would have no-one, absolutely NO-ONE!! I'm so sad and frustrated and I'm sitting here in tears!!

 

Anyone else have the same??

 

~ Mel ~

 

Hi Mel <'> <'> I hear you, It is always me who rings people to come and see us or I ring them to see if we can go there, it is never anyone who comes here and rings me up, it does my head in!

[oxgirl]

Hi Mel <'> <'> I hear you, It is always me who rings people to come and see us or I ring them to see if we can go there, it is never anyone who comes here and rings me up, it does my head in!

 

 

It's awful, isn't it, I just feel like I'm going cap in hand all the time. It's just not fair. My lad is a lovely little boy and he deserves friends, but he hasn't go anyone and it's breaking my heart!

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Mel <'> <'>

 

I've had similar situations.............but with our friends not our kiddies The only issue we've faced is that our eldest dd's friends can be alittle manipulative and can take advantage somewhat. We never know if we should discourage our dd from playing with them (so she ends up sitting in thru the hols) or allowing her to play with them....have found it so tough to decide how much we intervene or interfer. Really feel for you hun and wish I could say more . I'm sure many on here with be able to empathise with you. Your not alone, take care <'>

[stressedmumto2]

I can see the sadness in your post. I've had similar with my son and now I think it's cos perhaps the "other mum's" feel they may not be able to cope.

 

Will your son go to any holiday clubs to help him socialise or art clubs etc, I don't know just trying to clutch at something that may help him.

 

Maybe you could justsayto one of the other parents would your son be able to go there for an hr or so and see how he gets on I know it's rude to ask outright but if you are always the one doing the running then maybe you need to be a bit pushy as such. Perhaps if they only had him for a short time as a favour to you as you need to do something, without him around they may be willing then if they find it easy they may offer. It could just be that they think they will not be able to cope.

 

Hope you get something sorted ;-)

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

My lad is the same no freinds outside his special school and none ever come over from there coz there all scattered all over.

 

Thing is he appears happy in his own company.I try to keep that in mind.

 

Surely theres a way that folks on here who have kids similar age who live in the same area could get together so there kids could make freinds with each other.

 

 

It could be done via pm or something.

 

 

Im sure it would help us mums too who feel isolated and ######.

[oxgirl]

Mel <'> <'>

 

I've had similar situations.............but with our friends not our kiddies The only issue we've faced is that our eldest dd's friends can be alittle manipulative and can take advantage somewhat. We never know if we should discourage our dd from playing with them (so she ends up sitting in thru the hols) or allowing her to play with them....have found it so tough to decide how much we intervene or interfer. Really feel for you hun and wish I could say more . I'm sure many on here with be able to empathise with you. Your not alone, take care <'>

 

 

Thanks a lot for that. I just feel so bad for him, I've got no idea how to go about trying to find a 'friend' for him

 

~ Mel ~

[elaine1]

my god, thats a mirror image of what happens in our house. T has been friends with J since they were 8 or so theyre now 13. But its always me who has to ring to make arrangements for a play day. J has sleepovers here but t is never invited to sleepover. on very rare occassions j will ring and ask if t can go over but its only ever for a couple of hours.

 

It does really get to you after a while i must admit. my daughter has had her friend over for three sleepovers now but shes never been asked back to this girls house, they always meet up at her grans house! i give up. perhaps i should stop offering to have thier kids and see what happens then!

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Know exactly how you feel! Strange because the nursery mum's give us a wide berth now because the nursery was part parent-run which meant helping out on a rota-basis. The mum's could see Robert having full blown meltdowns. Others though, eg neighbours, who haven't seen much of Robert comment 'You don't have anything to worry about ? I've seen an autistic kid, and he doesn't have it", "Are you sure he has Aspergers?". Makes me mad how people make assumptions. In truth, I don't trust other parents to look after him, nor do I trust their manipulative kids! How very cynical of me ? can you tell I've had a bad day?

 

C.

[oxgirl]

I can see the sadness in your post. I've had similar with my son and now I think it's cos perhaps the "other mum's" feel they may not be able to cope.

 

Will your son go to any holiday clubs to help him socialise or art clubs etc, I don't know just trying to clutch at something that may help him.

 

Maybe you could justsayto one of the other parents would your son be able to go there for an hr or so and see how he gets on I know it's rude to ask outright but if you are always the one doing the running then maybe you need to be a bit pushy as such. Perhaps if they only had him for a short time as a favour to you as you need to do something, without him around they may be willing then if they find it easy they may offer. It could just be that they think they will not be able to cope.

 

Hope you get something sorted ;-)

 

 

Yes, I do feel so sad and hopeless. The thing is he's so able and easy to manage, it's not like he runs wild, I don't know what their problem is.

I have taken him to holiday schemes and things, but he just sits in the corner or wanders around and doesn't have a clue about how to get stuck in with the other kids, he just ends up bored and alone.

I feel like I'm being so pushy at the moment, always ringing them up and bugging them to lend me their kid, I just wish they'd value him as much as I value their kids!

 

Thanks a lot for your support.

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

My lad is the same no freinds outside his special school and none ever come over from there coz there all scattered all over.

 

Thing is he appears happy in his own company.I try to keep that in mind.

 

Surely theres a way that folks on here who have kids similar age who live in the same area could get together so there kids could make freinds with each other.

It could be done via pm or something.

Im sure it would help us mums too who feel isolated and ######.

 

 

My lad doesn't have any friends at school either!

He does seem happy at home, I know what you mean about that, but he would dearly love to have a friend who comes over and plays regularly, and so would I.

It would be nice if something like you say could happen, I'm sure we all feel isolated in our own ways.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

my god, thats a mirror image of what happens in our house. T has been friends with J since they were 8 or so theyre now 13. But its always me who has to ring to make arrangements for a play day. J has sleepovers here but t is never invited to sleepover. on very rare occassions j will ring and ask if t can go over but its only ever for a couple of hours.

 

It does really get to you after a while i must admit. my daughter has had her friend over for three sleepovers now but shes never been asked back to this girls house, they always meet up at her grans house! i give up. perhaps i should stop offering to have thier kids and see what happens then!

 

 

It's just so demoralizing, isn't it. I just feel like nobody is bothered enough about my son to want to see him. I suppose, if I'm honest, that must be the case. It's me (on my son's behalf) that is desperate for their kid's company so that's why I end up ringing them up.

It's horrid the way it makes you feel though, isn't it!

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Mel, just another thought, have you tried joining a local ASD support group which also includes activities for kiddies? I know your son might not want to be there alone, but if he were with you and also other children who have similar difficulties he may be able to form some friendships..........plus the parents will be able to appreiciate the friendships as much as you do! Take care

[oxgirl]

Hi

 

Know exactly how you feel! Strange because the nursery mum's give us a wide berth now because the nursery was part parent-run which meant helping out on a rota-basis. The mum's could see Robert having full blown meltdowns. Others though, eg neighbours, who haven't seen much of Robert comment 'You don't have anything to worry about ? I've seen an autistic kid, and he doesn't have it", "Are you sure he has Aspergers?". Makes me mad how people make assumptions. In truth, I don't trust other parents to look after him, nor do I trust their manipulative kids! How very cynical of me ? can you tell I've had a bad day?

 

C.

 

 

Yes, yes (*nods*) I know what you're saying with that. My lad is 12 now, and he wouldn't be any trouble to the parents, he'd just sit and happily play with another child. He's funny and interesting but still no-one cares about him! (*feels like sobbing now*).

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Mel, just another thought, have you tried joining a local ASD support group which also includes activities for kiddies? I know your son might not want to be there alone, but if he were with you and also other children who have similar difficulties he may be able to form some friendships..........plus the parents will be able to appreiciate the friendships as much as you do! Take care

 

 

Thanks for the suggestion. I am a member, but haven't managed to find anyone near us or similar enough in age or interest and even at these events the kids seem to group together and my lad is invariably left on his own in a corner or hanging around with the adults. Seems like where kids are concerned he just can't do it unless it's on a one-to-one basis with lots of toys to play with and then he's in his element, it's getting to that stage that's the hard part.

 

~ Mel ~