Hi All,
Firstly, I'm new here so 'hi'. I've always had what I considered 'personality traits' and it's only as I'm getting older (now 38) I'm starting to really analyse why I'm the way I am. I never considered myself to be anywhere on the autistic spectrum (just a bit weird!) but having recently done a load more research I've started to link things that I hadn't previously associated.
Sorry this is so long but it's difficult to summarise in a few words
Some 'personality traits' off the top of my head:-
Social awkwardness, I don't like making eye contact (or stare too much - unsure what is appropriate), feel awkward in a one-to-one situation, prefer small groups, have learnt to 'fake' small talk but struggle to keep conversations going. I generally don't talk unless I have something useful to contribute, I can however be quite chatty online (hiding behind a keyboard!). I generally prefer to spend time alone working on my own crazy projects. I've previously put all this down to shyness / lack of confidence.
I've never really 'fit in', even amongst people who share my interests. I always feel like an outsider, to some extent even with family. The only person I don't feel this way with is probabably my partner (who oddly enough, also has strong female asperger traits).
I have a few intense weird technical interests (amateur radio, electronics, 8/16 bit computers) plus I'm a musician - these interests seem to rotate regularly every 3 months or so and have done since as long as I can remember. I achieve what I want to achieve, or hit a wall and get frustrated - rotate around to the next interest. I have a good memory for technical things (that interest me) but struggle to both remember or concentrate on things that don't interest me.
Career wise I've done very well but to do so, I've had to learn to get over my shyness. Originally I'd dread any sort of meeting where I'd have to say a few words; I'd not sleep the night before, I'd get stressed and sweat before and during the meeting - even if all I had to say was "nothing to report". However, looking at how I've learnt to get over this - I now very much 'put on a show', I can put myself in the right frame of mind but I do find it tiring. I work as an IT consultant.
To balance this, to other people I seem generally quiet but normal. I've been told one of the reasons I've been successful in my job is a) I'm good technically but more importantly I can also talk to people. I'm good at reading people and have huge amounts of empathy (to the point where it can almost be a problem). From my understanding, these are not typical Aspergers traits?
Other traits I'd not previously linked are light and noise sensitivity. In bright light I quickly get headaches/migraines. I did see an optician but they just said I was just light sensitive so to wear sunglesses, which I do. I have a real dislike of surprise loud noises, but always thought I was just a bit weird. I'm also constantly fiddling with my hands (pens, work pass, whatever I have at hand) - figured this was just some form of nervousness. I've recently read all these traits are common with Aspergers.
In school I was bullied. I now wonder if I was bullied because I was different, or if I'm different because I was bullied.
I'm trying to find more about myself and what makes me 'me'. I'm not really after an official diagnosis as I don't feel this is affecting my life negatively (apart from me being a bit 'weird' - but I don't think that will ever change!).
Just curious how much of the above is shared with others. I've done several online aspergers questionnaires and always seem to end up at the lower end of the aspergers range.
But, I could just be shy and a bit of an antisocial nerd; a product of a weird childhood, bullying in school and some particularly geeky interests? How many boxes do I need to tick in order to be placed on the autistic spectrum?
Also, if it's not life effecting my life negatively, is there any benefit to an official diagnosis?
Thanks for taking the time to read this essay. Any comments appreciated
Steve
