Maternal Issues. (Long Topic)

[Eustace]

Greetings fellow neuroatypicals,

 

[For those who wish to skip the extended description and skip to the posed questions, I summarize these plainly in the final paragraph]

 

Me and mother had a good talk recently, but I fear the path we were treading led us away from one another in our ability to understand, so too were their roadworks along the way. You see, my mother is plagued by her own demon, one implanted in her by her parents from a young age. She was always told - 'from the age of five' she says - that whatever she did was wrong, and that she always disappointed her mother. This respectively led to a mentality arising that has stayed latched onto her like some horrific cognitive wart. From what she has told me and from what I have understood myself, still to this day does she see everything that happens as a criticism. However, this becomes more prominent for me after six pm when the first - of many - wine bottles has been uncorked. Here, to note, since my childhood I expressed my deplore towards her drinking, but, having gone through the stages of: anger towards the enemy, ignoring the enemy, learning to rationally understand the enemy, fraternizing with the enemy, and finally, distancing myself from the enemy having understood what he truly consists of, ... having gone through these stages, I see as clear as Orion in a clear night sky why the drinking exists. That no longer is a problem for me, that is, her drinking, but what is the problem is her sensitivity to ... or relapse into her demon - criticism and sense of wrongdoing.

 

I love my mother; as much as I understand what it means to love, there is no other feeling comparable to that I feel towards my mother - if there is to be one thing that makes me cry, I'm certain 'twould be my mother. I am an ethical individual, and wish no ill-will towards any other species that has a means of cognition or physical permanence, yet, it is when my mother explodes - perhaps 'melts down' is a more fitting verb - in a fit of anger that she expresses how I constantly criticize, express my opinion on everything, suggest ridiculous ideas and delusions and am emphatic upon all of the listed latter. I feel I am an element of my mother's frequent meltdowns, but never intend to criticise her or exhort my opinion towards her. I wish these things upon nobody, especially not my mother. I understand that I do do these things on occasion, but only do I occasionally realize this upon my nightly rumination of the day. The latter is obviously the Asperger's, I see that now - after twenty two years -, but how am I to understand when I do these things? How am I to consciously interpret how I am coming across to others? I understand this is a focal issue of the Asperger's community, but I feel I need to understand this. If none have any answers for me, I shall study things in my own way - from writing an essay, but I shall give this some time.

 

I prize three aspects of human ability above all else, of which are, rationality, reason, and logic. Why these three highly-synonymous aspects? Not all can feel emotion, not all are intelligent, not all hold the ability to grasp advanced knowledge, yet, with even the most basic means of justifying one's method of understanding, with even the most basic means to comprehend, and with even the most basic means to solve an issue, one needs not emotion, intelligence, or knowledge, for one then can formulate their own justified means to be and indefinite goal, leading them to a route of autonomy and self-sufficiency. The reason I type the latter, is because I wish to express my greatest means to go about solving this issue of mine. When my mother melts down, I am able - with help of my CBT 'mindfulness' sessions - to remain calm, collected, and in control of my three highly-prized aspects. During my mother's meltdowns, I question all that she asks in order to gain as much information as I can, for the majority - if not all - of what she says seem either, absurd, trivial, or things I simply cannot understand; for the latter I'll use the example of her anger towards my inability to understand why people give presents and an apparent opinion I share a few days prior. I use a controlled pitch and level-voice when talking with her, and consciously try to rationalize all she says, linking together that she says with whatever logical explanation or answer I can decipher.

 

She generally begins a meltdown with a pre-meltdown tone of voice, which extends all 'yes's' in a raised pitch, so too do her shoulders rise. Then something such as me stating 'I have done the washing up' will result in a back-handed comment, which I then will understand as the starting point. If I stay around - that is, if I feel I can deal with one of her meltdowns - it quickly explodes into her listing things that she is angry at... which can be into the twenties. During the mid-phase of her meltdown, she remains angry but begins to use circular reasoning, which I find tremendously hard to deal with. I generally get around this by posing questions answerable with either 'yes' or 'no'. Then towards the end, she / we, reach an impasse, wherein we end the talk - by this time, she is no longer angry, but she has spoken. Now, I understand that humans build up stress and it - if not dealt with delicately day by day - explodes out, and most people feel better after talking ... me not one of these people. My mother is a neurotypical, but is plagued by a stress deeply embedded in her childhood development. She has not learned an adequate means of decompression as it were, thus, her drinking results in a lack of inhibition; a revealing or outburst of emotions. That is the problem; I do not understand emotion, and neither does my father ... mine a result of my condition, my dad out of general apathy and morose laziness. I shall summarise that I write this for in the final paragraph below.

 

To summarise then, the problem is not directly me nor my mother per se, the problem resolves around me and my mother, but more specifically, our ability to accurately identify with one another's needs and individualities. The focal issue I wish to revise here, is how to deal with my mother's 'meltdowns' as it were; her release of stress and emotion. When it happens, I can deal with it, but seemingly, I do not have the ability to understand what it is she releases, or what she expresses - her emotions. To questionize[? word?] the latter, are there any effective means to go about understanding emotions in others, or at least - if this is not possible for one with my condition ... which I fear it is not in my experience - is there some pseudo-understand that I can express to perhaps mask an understanding? The second issue of import resolves wholly around me. My mother states I constantly criticize things, state my opinion, and allow no other alternatives when I do so. At the times I apparently do these things, I am not consciously aware I am doing so. To questionize[?again], is the latter connected to my Asperger's, and also, is there a way I can become aware of when I am doing so? The latter question explores the realm of 'Is there a means for the individual with Asperger's to comprehend the mind, feeling, and emotion of another', which I understand to be a focal problem of the condition, thus, I expect no extended exposition on the question, but I hope at least one will take the time to read this, and perhaps either give me some advice, or share their own experiences. I wish no harm to anyone, and just wish to avoid hurting anyone unconsciously.

 

Thank you for your time,

 

Eustace.

[Mihaela]

Christmas greetings, Eustace, one and all!

 

This long post will require a long reply, which I am unable to do today, so please be patient. Some of your problems with your mother echoed the problems I had with my own mother - or rather our interactions, so I can identify with them well.

[Eustace]

Greetings Mihaela,

 

I completely understand, and am honoured you feel you will be able to reply to such a standard. You post reminded me about the size of the font and the font itself, so I shall update this.

 

Have a great day,

 

Eustace.

 

*Seems I have waited too long to update the font on the first post. I do apologise.

Edited December 25, 2014 by Eustace