ebichu64

Sorry, the message appeared twice again. Not sure why. Never had this problem before on forums.

Thanks Lyndalou I'll have a look at those books. I'm not so sure about the training course. The idea sort of frightens me. Maybe it's too much like school! I have done classes in the past but it's always hard work; the last one was BSL which I was really keen on and grew to hate. My teacher was arrogant and sometimes forgot me in the group, and I failed by 1 mark. They lied to me to try and cheat me out of more money, broke data protection and in the end I gave up. But it put me right off working with the deaf community which is really sad. Maybe I'll get over it in time. But anyway, I'd prefer something 1 to 1 rather than get lost in a group.

Thanks matzoball. I'll try starting a diary tomorrow. Does anyone mind if I share it here as well? I started reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. I know that Tony Attwood is highly thought of, but I wanted to read something from the perspective of a woman that has been diagnosed with it. A few pages in I spotted something that was "me" and highlighted it. Then I started highlighting everything that was "me". And then I stopped again because the highlighting was getting out of hand! Thanks again. I'd better go. It's nearly dinner time and I'm on gravy duty.

Hallo This is my first post so I'd better make it a good one. All my life I've never felt completely "normal", never quite fitted in and I always put it down to my being a bit more eccentric than everyone else. When I visited my mum last year she made a commnent about how worried she was about me as a child because she knew when I was upset but I'd never talk about it. I clammed up. I was always really quiet and usually playing alone. I didn't have many friends and I was bullied all through school, from infants until I started college. I'd always put that down to my Grandmother drumming it into my head when I was little that "good little girls are seen and not heard". She was a horrible woman and bullied my mum through most of her life. Neither she or I have the ability to scream because that would be making a fuss and a noise and being a problem. (I dread to think what would happen if I was ever attacked and couldn't shout for help) This time it really struck a chord because I am having similar problems at work. Something happens in the office that is unreasonable or unfair but when I try to talk to about it to my manager she explains it logically, makes excuses that I have answers to but simply can't get out. I end up either babbling, going off on tangents about all the other things that upset me whether they are to do with work or not, or agreeing with her even when I don't. So nothing gets solved and I carry on feeling frustrated and miserable. I'm on the verge of quitting, even though my partner and I can't afford me to, just to avoid any more frightening confrontations. I've suffered with anxiety and depression in the past and I can feel myself spiralling towards another breakdown. Anyway, I started to look into my inability to speak when I get upset or stressed and why I can't connect with people. Or I can until I forget myself and start behaving normally, and then I get the blank stares instead. It's as if I've turned into a goblin or alien or something equally bizarre. I thought I might have Aspergers and I went to my GP. Before that I did an online test and I came out borderline. My GP gave me another test, about 8 questions on one side of A4. Again, I came out borderline and he told me he couldn't refer me and I'd just have to learn to cope with the "stupid people" on my own. I went away thinking, okay, it's what I expected, I can handle this, but a few weeks in I'm finding I really can't. I know these online tests aren't conclusive and I think they may be geared towards men anyway. For example, I have no fascination with numbers. I quite like maths but I'm useless at it. I can do meet and greet and chat with people at events because I've learned how to and because it's an act for everyone. I get uncomfortable if people I meet in that environment try to get closer and more personal. I like to be hugged but only by people I trust. I hate those "professional" hugs people give each other. I don't like kissing, I never have. My partner just came upstairs while I was writing this and I had to put my face in my hands and tell him to go away again because he was behind me and I could "feel" him watching even though he wasn't even in the room. I've written my GP another letter and attached some information about Female Aspergers and how men and women have different symptoms, but of course he won't read it until tomorrow. I tried to speak to a local counselling service yesterday but they are shut at weekend too, as are many of the helplines. The 24 hour ones I found were specific to areas of the country and I'm in Manchester. I'm beginning to feel really desperate, cut off and isolated. My partner's worried and trying to help but I can't explain what's going on inside my head except I feel like a motor that's not attached to anything, a flywheel that keeps spinning and spinning. I know I have to be patient but the only time I have to try do anything about this is at weekends. I'm working so hard to be normal and acceptable at work that I'm too exhausted when I get home to do anything other than sit on the sofa and watch dvds. I need someone who knows what's going on to help me make sense of it. There are lots of other little clues but it's so hard to put them into order or make sense of them. It might help if people asked me direct questions to help focus me. I'm such a mess. Thanks for reading.