Fletts
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Posts posted by Fletts
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Hiya Fletts,You're definately on the right track.
The first thing I would do is to find some positive AS material online and by that I mean literature that doesn't just say 'you are Aspergers you should do this, this and this and you can't do that, that and that.'
How about printing some posts off by us Aspies with us discussing our experiences of being Aspergers in a positive way? I know it might be hard to find ones where TheNeil isn't moaning for once (
) but there has to be something on here. Leave a print out lying around the house, not obviously, just like where you keep all your paperwork or something, somewhere where there is a chance your son would find them. Does he use your computer? If so save a couple of sites onto the favourites, you never know if he's browsing he might just feel inclined to click on them.
Drop little things into conversation if you can, positive things about AS. I dunno, Steven Spielberg is Aspergers. So is the lead singer of the rock band The Vines (Australian, angry, your son would probably like them
). Order a couple of books with the author being Aspergers and describing their life (I'm not going to plug TheNeil's book, he hasn't offered to pay me enough) and leave this lying around too.
Basically what I'm getting at is what you are trying to do is spark some conversation with him and these might be little things that kick things off. If you say 'lets sit down and chat' it's immediately going to get his back up and he won't want to know. Another good place to talk is in the car on a medium length journey (if it's short, not enough time, if it's long and you get into a row you have to stew next to each other). You could say I was talking to a girl online who's Aspergers. She was only diagnosed when she was 22 and used to get into trouble all the time. I know how I'm putting it sounds fakey and cheesy but you can re-word it into your usual style of conversation. He might go 'so what' but it might get him talking.
With the friends thing I don't know what to say, I mean I only learnt my lessons the hard way about being gullable and too trusting. I'm still unsure if I would have liked intervention I mean it's part of life to learn lessons and all that, if someone had intervened I might not be as astute and aware as I am now (compared to what I was). Have you told him about this Forum? He might want to check out what some fellow Aspies are talking about if he reads the site, doesn't have to post. Alternatively I'm here if he ever wants someone to talk to, someone who's been in a similar situation.
In regards to him getting a job it all depends on what kind of job, what kind of circumstance. Him doing any old job at the minute won't work because he probably won't see it through if he doesn't want to do it. The thing us Aspies can struggle with is understanding why you have to do something even if you don't want to do it (like working in a job we hate when there are other ways to make money, such as selling empty boxes on ebay, that make sense?) He could try further education? Getting him into the right college and doing something he is passionate about will break him away from his friends if it appeals more.
Just a word of warning regarding Psychiatrists, all of them are usually rubbish in the eyes of an angry teenager, let alone an angry Aspie teenager who is probably already aware of what problems he faces, what he needs to do to resolve the problems (change friends, stop drinking) but is completely helpless and doesn't know how to go about it. Having a patronising psyche ask probing questions trying to find underlying reasons for his behaviour (when he won't know why he feels agitated/anxious/like he doesn't fit in or is going insane because he isn't accepting AS and fully understanding what it is/what it means) is just going to cause him to shutdown and sulk. What the psyche needs to do, rather than ask your son the usual questions, is to talk to him about Aspergers and what it means and what it entails. The sooner he understands it isn't a disease or something he 'has' the more open he should be to accepting.
If he isn't accepting he's Aspergers then making him go to a club full of kids who he doesn't think he is like will probably not work (it might work further down the road when he becomes more accepting of his AS). What might work for now is the befriending schemes that the NAS run, though it might take a few tries to get the right person. Basically they come and spend time with you/your son and just do things, hang out, chat but these people are AS aware and can help with understanding, moving forward, setting goals and all that. It's not going to happen with you as he sees you as authority and therefore just out to tell him what to do, a complete unknown might be different.
What will help is a change of scenery for him which is why going to a college/uni out of town might be an idea. (Not miles and miles away but enough for him not to see his friends while he's at college/uni)
That's the way I broke my cycle in the end, moving schools to another town, I immediately cut myself off from my 'friends' and made a fresh start. I stuffed up that new start too with the whole nervous breakdown and what not but I made different mistakes that time, learnt different lessons. College was no different, more mistakes, more lessons (but I was undiagnosed all this time/non-understanding of myself so the mistakes could have been prevented). It's never going to be perfect, he will always find things more difficult and things will probably never run smooth but it's all about being brave enough and tough enough to say, this isn't working I'm going to make changes for the better.
You've made a huge step yourself getting this appointment and asking on here. You're making changes for the better and you're not giving up, don't be disheartened if things don't get better straight away or get better and then get worse again, as long as you never give up trying and keep trying to be positive then there is always progress to be made!
I wish I lived next door to you because I would be round all the time bugging him to chat to me
Emily
xxx
Emily,
Thank you, every bit of info about AS helps me to be more understanding. I agree with you that accepting that he has AS is the key challenge. He thinks that people with ASDs are retards (so, sorry his words not mine). Getting it through to him that this isn't the case is the difficulty. It stems from the fact that AS is on the autistic spectrum and he doesn't want to be thought of as autistic in any way. That's why I wondered if he met other people with AS he might realise his mistake. He did go to a younger group when he was 14, but was asked not to go back. He says it was because he didn't have AS, the group leader said that it was because he was upsetting some of the other boys. My son can be quite intense and loud (not so much so now) and it was too much for the boys who found social interaction very difficult.
Thank you for the tips about the psychiatrist and opening up conversations with him. I have printed off the posts about standard AS behaviour which I think he could relate to and find quite amusing. Especially the bits about clothes. He bought a new coat several months ago and took the trouble to try to buy something fashionable. Someone has just told him it is out of fashion now. He checked it out with his older sister, who confirmed that yes actually it's a bit "last year", his reply was "what? I have to buy a new one each time the fashion changes?" "fraid so" said his sister, "but I can't keep up" he said. His sister will take him shopping for something new.
We are in the process of getting a comunity care assessment and are hoping to have a support worker allocated to him. It will be similar to what you mentioned the NAS do, someone specifically trained in ASDs.
He went to a mainstream school (was expelled from first 2) which I think he found hard, but it did teach him how to fit in I suppose. The trouble was it was very difficult to motivate him to go and we had to take him every day. I think he would find college very hard unless it was small and geared up for him. He isn't a very good time keeper and meeting deadlines for coursework etc, would be hard. The other problem is there isn't anything he's interested in studying. I'm not ruling it out though, he's got the rest of his life to do these things.
Ever thought of moving to Bromley?
Best wishes
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Hiya Fletts,Being Aspergers myself I can pretty much say for sure that it's not being Aspergers that is making him do these things, though I agree that the difficulties that we face in adapting to a Neurotypical-orientated world could be contributors or reasons why he can't understand that his behaviour is inappropriate. It might be easier in this situation not to think of Aspergers as something whole, something that your son has because all Aspergers refers to is the list of traits that are commonly known to be experienced by most people who are AS. Hans Aspergers was the first guy to really define these traits thus why they are called collectively Aspergers.
In terms of the trouble making I can sympathise. I never pretended to kill anyone for sure, but I was a menace growing up. Most of the stuff I did was as a result of getting involved with the wrong crowd and trying to cope being their friend. Being Aspergers, and more importantly unaware that I was any different to everyone else, led to people being easily able to prey on my vulnerability, gullableness and naivieity. I would often steal money off my parents so I could buy booze for myself and others to keep those others as my friends. I would often agree to hold parties at my house when my parents went out because I knew it would make my friends happy.
Drugs were part and parcel of the lifestyle I lead. (I'm talking aged 13-16 at this point....my mum is a primary school teacher and my dad owns his own business, they're not bad parents they just didn't know half of what I was doing/how to make things better. They also had no clue about Aspergers and just followed the same set of punishment rules as they had follow growing up, mainly grounding/shouting at me. It can happen to any kid and family given the wrong circumstances and it doesn't make either the child or the parent to blame) In some respects I took drugs to keep up with my friends, to be cool and part of the gang. In most respects drugs let me escape the madness I felt inside my head.
A lot of what he is doing could be to fit int with whoever he is doing it with. I presume he isn't acting alone in most cases, though if he is it is even more important that you get him some help as soon as possible. I don't mean carting him off to the local mental hospital, I mean an appointment with a psyche for a start (one who is AS aware), CBT therapy referral (for coping and self-esteem strategies) and an intense look at Aspergers by you and your son, together if possible. From what I've been through myself, though I don't presume it's the same thing, understanding better who he is and approaching it in a positive light (because it really doesn't mean end of the world) can almost lift a cloud of confusion from around our ability to think straight. You could also try changing his diet as I know a lot of foods make me irritable and more prone to feel angry because of feeling discomfort.
The get rich quick schemes are also something else I recognise. The NT world is a very hard place to navigate for someone who is Aspergers, even more so when it becomes clear that money really does make the world go around today with the intensity placed on the need for materialistic items. I found it hard to cope when I was younger, I can only imagine how bad it must be today to try and keep up with the in crowd. Therefore we are young and we need money quick, we're not very good at holding down jobs, especially in retail but we need another fiver or tenner to get some more booze/drugs/to get us to where our friends are. I tried everything I could think of to get money back when I was at school. I was a thief for a while, stealing from my family, stealing from my teachers, stealing from the shops for the single mums I used to come into contact with which they used to pay me half price for the goods I stole. Babygrows, make-up, bottles of Vodka. I tried pyramid schemes, I sent off to loads of work from home scams, I offered to wash the whole world's cars if I could get 50p a go. I sold cigarettes and condoms at school. I was an awful person seemingly and my behaviour was shocking. But in reality I was very messed up, I kept making mistakes, getting taken for a ride and I didn't know how to stop it or what I was doing wrong. I was forever falling out with my friends, being picked on and bullied. I was forever fighting because it's the one thing I learnt to be good at. It was all a massive cry for help, I was screaming silently for anyone to just do something, help me. Lock me up if needs be, throw away the key, I must be mental to act like this. I would pray each morning at one point that I would fall down the stairs and break my leg. How mad is that. I would pray and get to the top of the stairs but never have the guts to throw myself down in case I broke my neck. I just always wanted to go away somewhere for a while, to stop my brain from thinking and for someone to come along and make everything ok.
Your son could be feeling the same way right about now.
I think you need to sit down and discuss his Aspergers with him if possible. How aware is he? Does he view it as something negative?? I honestly think a further understanding of who he is, is key to improving his situation.
I'm sorry I don't have a lot of answers. Change came for me when I had to eventually move schools things had gotten so out of control. Then when I was 17 I had an acid flashback (what can happen if you've taken lsds in the past, you start hallucinating back to when you took the drug). I was failing badly at sixth form anyway, had managed to fall foul of the new friends I'd formed at school (never quite fit in as I got lumped with the smart kids in an attempt to curb my behaviour, they never appreciated it funnily enough) and was feeling increasingly isolated and lonely. I'd also just split up with an abusive boyfriend and was pretty much at breaking point, well I was as it turned out. I had a flashback and walked out of school and 10 miles to my nearest hospital. I half knew what was happening and knew I had to get somewhere safe. Half my brain was picturing where I was going, to the hospital, the other half was interspersing images of my local park where I last took drugs. I walked into the hospital and announced to everyone there that I was going mentally insane and that's pretty much the point when I started to have a nervous breakdown over the course of the next few days.
I don't want it to get to this point with your son so you have to do something, even if it just finding out more and more and more about Aspergers. Until you know more than Tony Attwood if needs be
Don't give up on him, try and be positive and support him and try to see his behaviour less as being badly behaved, more as a cry for help. Sorry again that I haven't answered your questions, I know I've just talked about myself but if it helps you to understand what your son might possibly be going through right now then it's worth reading I guess. I haven't really put most of that down into word form before so sorry if it's a bit rough. Today I'm a different person. I might not have a successful life just now but I'm a better person all around, completely drug free and in control for the first time in 24 years. Things can change and get better!
Emily
xxx
Emily,
Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply. I can see now that he is probably in a similar situation to the one you were in at 16. I know he doesn't want to get into trouble, and I know he doesn't want to hurt us, but something is compelling him to do these things and it is probably peer pressure and the desire to fit in as you say. He doesn't do them alone, I'm pretty sure about that. Unfortunately, he isn't very discriminating when it comes to friends and won't accept that they are not the best people to hang around with. I think he finds "rougher" boys easier to get on with, they seem to accept him as he is.
Unfortunately he is of the strong opinion that he doesn't have AS and that the psychiatrist who diagnosed him was "a rubbish psychiatrist". He doesn't like to talk very much, let alone anything to do with AS. However, I have seen changes in him over the years, he is maturing. He used to smoke a lot of skunk, but has cut down vastly of his own accord. He had a couple of panic attacks and got carted off to the hospital. He has stepped up the drinking, though, but might decide to cut down on that too hopefully.
From what you say he could and probably is feeling pretty cut adrift at the moment. I am waiting for an appointment at the Maudsley Hospital with a specialist in ASDs who is also a forensic psychiatrist. I'm hoping he will be able to make a breakthrough with him to get him to see his situation as it really is. Only then will he be able to cut himself free from this destructive lifestyle.
I would be interested if you think getting a job helps and whether I should encourage him to go to the local AS club for 18-25 year olds.
Best wishes
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I struggle with this one too, alot of the time I don't even want to the school run because I find the social gossipy wait at the gate hard! Sometimes I go through periods where I find it difficult to post on here because finding the words difficult. Like clare, I will often ignore the phone and keep the curtains shut!Socialable human aren't I.
Sending you loads of
<'> <'> <'> .I can really relate to some of these posts. I have wondered if it was just me. I think I have some of the difficulties with socialising in the same way my son does. I'm fine, one to one and with my family, but I've never felt the need for lots of friends the way some women seem to (including my own 26 year old daughter). I used to avoid the school gate thing as well. I never really felt I fitted in and didn't feel the same as them. I also knew they didn't like my son, so avoided them for that reason as well (oh dear, getting all upset now, think I'd better stop).
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Hi Curra,
If you really aren't making a noise, there is absolutely no way you can be evicted. If noise, such as dropping things is travelling because of no carpeting, ask your G.P. if he could write a letter explaining your sons condition and why carpeting wouldn't be appropriate and give it to the your housing officer. You are in a strong position because your son has a disability. Although I understand you don't want to discuss it with the neighbours (don't think I'd really want to either), make sure the council know about this. There are laws to protect disabled people and the council have to accept that modifications are necessary at home as they are in the workplace. To not allow "reasonable" adjustments is discriminatry. Also, these are the noises of normal living. I don't think your neighbours have any chance of evicting you.
The organisation, Shelter (if you can get through on their helplines) have really good housing advisors that could help put your mind at rest about your rights on this.
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Hi fletts,i know what you mean and i do try and talk to him but his anxiety is so bad if he thinks about getting older and having to cope without us hes sick from morning till night, and i mean physically sick through worry. I do tell him that there will be plenty of help when he reaches 18, well thats what we have been told, with independant living, then again with the help we have had so far i dont hold much hope. I understand everything your saying and to be honest i just take one day at a time other wise i would go insane. Thinking of you
<'> take care
louxx
Lou,
Goodness, he really is anxious, I can see why you have to be very careful. You must keep him safe (mentally, as well as physically). It's such a burden though, I do understand.
Best wishes
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Hello fletts<'> <'> My son is 16 and my situation is the same as you apart from the fact my son won't step out the house. I have just had the call from social services and they won't help us, they havn't even been out. I cant ever see my son living on his own as he won't even go any where without me or stay on his own. I just take each day as it comes as i think i would go insane looking into the future. I just wanted to sympathise with you and just wonder what there is for our children and what help they will get and when. Sorry i havn't been much help.
take care
louxx
Hi Lou,
I don't know what's worse, a lad that won't go out like your son or one like mine who goes out and gets into loads of trouble.
What I have found, is that my son has changed a lot in the last 18 months. He is becoming more mature, so we can sometimes have a conversation with him about the future. Of course it's difficult, as he doesn't always want to talk and he doesn't grasp things straight away, so it is a long process. What I could explain in a couple of sentences about say, tenancy agreements, deposits and rents in advance to a NT person just doesn't compute with my son. He gets overloaded with information, shouts "aargh! What are you talking about" and puts his hands over his ears and storms off to his room. The next day he will calmly ask for clarification, and you realise he only took in the bit about tenancy agreements not the rest of it. Of course once he has "got it" it's OK and he retains it. I do find this "drip, drip" approach to information works the best. I used to avoid talking to him about difficult things, like moving out as I don't "talk his language" if you know what I mean. I find it difficult to remember the rules about speaking directly and literally and avoiding euphamisms, so conversations end in him misunderstanding where I'm coming from and getting cross with me and me acusing him of being rude and horrible and feeling really hurt even though my head knows he hasn't done it on purpose. But I decided we just have to talk about certain things, no matter how difficult and I have been surprised that although the first time is difficult and he doesn't like it, he almost always goes away and thinks about it and comes back to me with his thoughts about it and it's then that we have a mature conversation about what ever it is.
You could try bringing up the future in a very casual way, for instance when you are out or see something on T.V. involving little children, you could say something like "ah aren't they cute, they seem really happy, would you like to have children one day?". To which the answer might be "no", but you could then ask why and it would give you an opportunity to find out what he is worried about. I think you shouldn't be frightened of starting him off thinking about living independently. What I say to my son about it is, well if you don't like living on your own, just come back. That way I hope he feels relaxed about it. However, it hasn't happened yet, which takes me on to your next point about social services. We have been messed about by them awfully, so decided enough was enough and went to a solicitor. We immediately got a response from social services that they would come and assess him. However, we were told beware, because although they have a legal duty to assess disabled people, for their needs, they can set their own eligibility criteria and they will make sure that when they do the assessment that they won't put AS people in the eligible bracket. This is because the local authorities have budgets for certain groups only, e.g., learning disabled, mentally ill and physically disabled. AS folk don't fall into these catagories. I think it is disgusting that the government has laid down laws that all disabled people should have their needs met, but local authorities can overide this. However, everything can be challenged and our solicitor has commissioned an independent social worker to do a community care assessment on my son. He is very experienced and knowledgeable about ASDs and was shocked at the problems my son is having and the impact on the family and in his opinion he is at the "critical" level of need. It is at this level that social services would have to help. We will still probably have to take the local authority to court, but it will be difficult for social services to argue against our "independent expert" (we hope). If we don't win, we will have to consider renting privately a small flat for him, but that won't be easy as he is on benefits and landlords don't want dss tenants. We can't give up hope of him moving out though as it really is too depressing.
Sorry about the length of this message, but it feels good to talk about it.
Best wishes
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Am not a mother,but am twenty three and live in residential care,with other Autistics and LDers.The care assessment might take a long while to wait for,unless he was at harm from living at home,the same goes for getting a social worker.
Make sure to give every detail of his difficulties to the social worker who visits to do the assessment, not all of them know about Aspergers and might say he is more than capable of doing everything for himself so will not offer any services.
Some social workers are very helpful and understanding.
The NAS don't have many group homes on offer which places are usually filled,plus need to have a social worker first.
He is likely to get more support and help in residential care,but more independance in group homes.
Councils all have group homes for people with LD/ASD and tend to create more homes as they are needed.
If they are under "learning disability",it is possible the staff will know little to nothing of aspergers and will treat him like he can do everything for himself,so he will need a support plan [make sure they put one of these in place,they are supposed to,but dont always] and he might get a communication passport which also helps staff to understand him and his needs.
Cant write anymore tonight,as am being removed from this mac by my sister,if want some better less rushed information about what its like,pm me.
TuX,
Thank you very much for your reply. I found it particularly helpful.
Can I ask you if you find your arrangement OK? What I mean is, I am assuming you have AS, but don't have learning difficulties, so do you feel you are in an appropriate environment?
We are finding that social workers have no idea of the extent of the help that my son will need for independent living, just as you say.
best wishes.
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My 18 year old son has AS and is constantly in trouble with the police. The things he is doing are getting worse and worse. He started when he was 14 by stealing a bottle of cider from a supermarket, since then he has progressed to, graffitti, dealing in stolen bank notes, stealing cars and joy riding, fighting and public order offences. He also has stolen my jewellery and pawned it, stolen our credit cards for online gambling and steals money from purses and wallets. He recently said he had killed someone and told us where he had left him. We called the police who searched for the person with a helicopter and dogs, but didn't find anyone. It turned out to be a lie which he had made up to try to cover up for stealing and wrecking our car. He's also always trying to perpertrate some sort of get rich scam. One of them was selling "surprise" boxes on ebay. People were invited to bid for the boxes for the "surprise" that was in them. Of course there wasn't anything in them and he got banned from ebay. He also has run up a bill with a mobile phone company of �600 within just 3 months. Fortunately the citizens advice bureau persuaded the mobile phone company that is was an illegal contract and it was written off. These are just a few of the things he has been doing. Of course we are worried where it is all going to lead. He seems to be quite unremorseful and doesn't appear to have any idea of the seriousness of his wrong doings. It's like he is in some sort of cartoon world of his own, where things that happen don't have any real tangible impact. He seems to have become disconnected from reality somehow.
Is it just the Asperger's that is causing him to behave like this I wonder?, Or is there another condition he's got. I don't know many other boys with AS, but the ones I have come across don't behave like this. We are waiting for an appointment for him to see a forensic psychiatrist, who might be able to get to the bottom of it.
I feel ashamed of my boy he is a menance, a danger to himself and society.
Of course he won't listen to us and take any of our advice. I have to say I do feel out of my depth with him.
Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with their children?
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Hi Elizabeth,
We have an 18 year old son with Asperger's and have been told by social services that he won't meet their eligibility criteria for assistance. This seems to be a regular response from all the social services. However, they do accept he is entitled to a care assessment. It's ridiculous that he can have the assessment but not the help. Anyway, now that my son is 18 he can get his legal costs paid under the legal aid scheme as he is on a low income. Social services have now come and started the assessment, but in the meatime, anticipating them rejecting our request for help as he doesn't meet their eligibility criteria we (on behalf of our son) have gone to a solicitor. The solicitor was recommended to us by Bromley Autistic Trust. The solicitor has commisioned a care assessment from an independent social worker. The independent social worker is very experienced in this field and has met us and our son. His opinion is that our son is in the "critical" need area. Apparently, he needs to be deemed as being at this level of need to meet the social services eligibility criteria. However, he expects the council to fight it and has warned us the case will probably go to court.
It seems to me that your sister in law is definitely in critical need also, but this is a very difficult problem for you to try to resolve yourself. Social services (in my experience) are not easy to deal with. They take advantage of the fact that most people don't know their rights or the system and the procedures. Consider getting a solicitor to act and advise you (on behalf of your sister in law). They will be a buffer between you and social services and you won't feel you have to swat up on all the legal stuff, that's their job.
All best wishes.
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I am a mother of an 18 year old boy who has AS. I joined this site to see what other people's experiences were. I have been feeling very misarable lately due to my sons behaviour and am feeling very trapped knowing there is no way out, ever! Usually it is the children who when they go up want to leave home, but if I could, I would walk out and never go back. I think I am very depressed. Usually I bounce back after a week or so after one of his "epsiodes" , but its not happening this time.
What this site has done for me is to realise I'm not being pathetic as I see so many other people feeling the way I do. It has also made me realise that me and my family are not the only ones being let down by social services. We have had to get a solicitor to help us fight our case with our local authority. It's been years of struggling, struggling for help and struggling with living with my son. But it really has helped me start to put some perspective back in my mind on our situation seeing what other people are also going through. I had no idea so very many other people were being treated so badly.
Good luck to you all.
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Hi,I have not been on for sometime, long story....very long!! Anyway i have turned my life around and now that i have i feel able to deal with the demons that led me there in the first place. Just wondered if anybody had any good advice/experiences that they could share.....any help would be great.
I will try to cut a very long story short.....i have a son with AS, at the time of dx i was a manager at a well known supermarket. When he ds was dx it hit me for 6, to begin with no-one in the family accepted dx so i took it all on board without really thinking truely about the dx. Anyway about 5-6 mths after dx family finally started coming round, although it was a relief to finally have support, reality hit me in a big way. I couldn't cope both work and home and slowly day by day i found it hard to survive.
Thats the background in a nutshell....now the problem......
I was called in the office to state my performance was not up 2 standard required.....it wasn't good enough, you know the usual telling of. (i have been with the company 10 yrs and never been pulled in the office for anything like that b4 and an outstanding absence record). Instead of looking past the end of her nose and actually realise i was lost in my own little world and trying to find out y, she just kept going on about these figures and them figures. I tried to explain i agreed it wasnt my normal work standards and that past performance speaks volumes. Still not getting through that actually i needed some1 just to ask 'Y'!!!!! i attempted to tell her about son dx and got told i shouldn't bring family problems into the workplace.....i went on to explain it is not something you can just push to the back of your mind.....to which was replied with' can't u give him a pill or something'
By now i was sobbing my heart out they adjourned for 5 mins so i could 'get myself together'. When i went back in, rather than reflecting on what i had told them and trying to come to an amicable solution they just said i had 4 wks to get my work back up to standard. Naturally i was then of work with depression for months because i thought my world around me was caving in and no 1 was listening. 10 sodding years of 110% loyality i have given them, and the one and only time i have needed support from them they shrug me of and try and push me out.......it worked i no longer work there as i felt i could not return.
Sorry if i have ranted on, i tried to make this as short but as factual as i possible could. Anyway what i am asking is, do i have any rights. Is there an employment law that if i were to take this further i would have a case?? Is it discrimination to a working mother with a child with needs....i really don't know. I just wanted some advice b4 i looked further into it and having to pay for nothing.
Tina
Tina,
I have a boy of 18 with AS and I remember how I felt when he was diagnosed. There is a kind of greiving you go through for the child you realise you will never have. It's an awful time. You might finding joining your local NAS support group and talking to others who have gone through it useful.
Regarding the work situation, you may have a case for "constructive dismisal". You could look for a lawyer who has experience of employment law or try speaking to your trades union people (even if you don't work there anymore) as I think they may be very keen to help you. The attitude you encountered goes against "family friendly" policies that most large employers have these days. If you are on a low income you could get legal aid with a lawyer.
As for your employers remark "can't you give him a pill or something", I'm afraid there is a lot of ignorance out there about ASDs even amongst psychiatrists, teachers and social workers and I have found it very difficult as well myself at times (especially when I'm put on the defensive about my son) to articulatley describe his problems. The problem we face is that our childrens disability is invisible and so we don't get the sympathy that parents with say a child who has cerebral palsy or downs sydrome get from the public. Not only that, research has shown that as parents of children with ASDs we suffer more stress and are under more strain than parents of children with these other disabilities.
I do hope you will be OK.
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I am a mother with an 18 year old son with AS. He has been a very difficult child to bring up and an equally difficult adolescent. He is constantly getting into trouble with the law. He doesn't work and sleeps till 2.00 p.m and then is awake most of the night moving round the house and waking us up. He will not talk to us about how his life is going and we are extremely concerned. Our family is at breaking point with him. However, we are reluctant to ask him to leave home as we don't think he would survive on his own. In fact his sister thinks he would die (literally).
We are currently in the process of a social services community care assessment for him, but I don't hold out any hope for much help from them. I was wondering if there are any other parents that could tell me if their children have left home and how they fared.
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I have a son with AS who is 18 years old and he has been recieving DLA for some years now. My advice is to take the form very seriously, in as much that, just putting down his diagnosise will not automatically mean you will be awarded the benefit. It is also import I feel that you get your doctor/psychiatrist to fill their bit in. That will carry some weight. Don't be restricted by the little boxes they give you to say things, put it on a seperate sheet. Put down what its like when its really bad, not what its like when its been a good day. It's not lying, and remember you and your son are entitled to financial help. I always tick the box that asks if it is a mental health problem. I know that it isn't a mental illness, but there isn't an appropriate alternative box to tick. If you have joined your local NAS group, make sure you ask around to see who has been awarded the DLA and maybe one of them will sit with you to do the form (in pencil first). It takes me weeks to do because its difficult to do in one sitting. Don't worry about how long it takes, give yourself time. Also, I find I get quite upset when I do the form. Putting down in writing my sons difficulties is heartbreaking. Also, do photocopy it. This will not only help if they lose it, and the benefits agency is notorious for losing forms, it will help you when you have to fill it in again.
Good luck!
Son constantly in trouble with police
in Beyond Adolescence
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Emily,
You're wonderful! Thank you for all your ideas and good advice. I've got a lot to think about.
Best wishes