Unsure if i should seek diagnosis

[yvie]

Im 23 years old and i suspect i may have Asperger's. Im not sure. Ive spent most of my live since i was 12 being treated by doctors for depression and treatment didnt help so they decided that while i am depressed thats not what my problem is. Ive seen multiple doctors and none have been able to diagnose me properly. This is in part my fault im not very good at dealing with people face to face. Its in part the way the system works here. I live in ireland and it varies throughout the country. Where i am i see a psychiatrist for 15 minutes every month. Thats the best they can offer me. Most of the doctors i see are really bad. I have gone private before when tehy suspected i might be bipolar and it turned tou im not. I was considering trying to find a private docotr to explore the possibility of me having Aspergers. Im on disalbility though and i can get no help because im a patient in the public system. I nned to be sure that its a distinct possibilty before i find a doctor becuase last time i went private i literally went without food to pay the costs.

 

Im really not sur a friend who has an autistic uncle once commented that i reminded her of him. I dont think im autistic but when i heard about Aspergers being a sort of milder autism i thought it could apply to me. I dont know alot about it what i do know could be myth or misunderstanding. Some of the things i heard dont sound like me at all. Im not a genius for one thing. I am smart but not super smart. Any way ive made a list of some things i do that may or may not be symtoms of Aspergers mostly its just a list of the things i do that are different to average people. (Also i dont mean to offend anyone by saying i think i might have Asoergers and the listing things like i dont wash my hair). I would appreciate if anyone could take the time to read it and tell me if they think i should consider finding a doctor who is familar with Aspergers. It might read a little strange like someparts are missing becuase it is an edited version of something longer i typed i cut out what i felt was irellevent.

 

I?m not very interested in the way I look. For example as a child I brushed my hair because my mother told me to. When I was 11 she stopped telling me too so I stopped brushing my hair. I remember after a while people at school started commenting on how bad it looked. They teased me. visible. I couldn?t understand why I was being teased until my teacher pulled me aside and told me to brush my hair and asked if everything was ok at home. I remember looking in the mirror and not really understanding what was wrong with my hair but I started brushing it because the teacher told me to. The children stopped teasing me and I learned that you have to brush your hair or people will think you?re dirty and they don?t like dirty people. I seem to have to learn things like this separately. The same sort of scenario happened over me washing my hair. I didn?t wash my hair much until a friend told me to. I learned that?s people wont like me if I don?t wash my hair. The same goes for using deodorant. I don?t think I would ever have noticed that i smelled if some one didn?t tell me. I still don?t wash my hair a lot. I do it because I have to. Because if people think you?re dirty they treat you badly so I give in and do something I don?t care about. I like the winter though when I can hide under a hat and don?t have to do it as much.

 

I don?t care much about my appearance at all. I never wear make up I don?t understand the point of makeup. I know it?s supposed to make you pretty. I know people want to look pretty but I don?t tally understand why. From a scientific view woman want to look pretty to attract a mate to procreate, that?s the only level I can understand it on. I don?t think that what goes through my friends minds when they wear it. I seem to be able to have a scientific answer and understanding of things but not a real world one.

 

I tend to always wear the same cloths. I know a lot of regular people do this, they have favourite outfits but with me it?s different. It has more to do with my need for routine and my resistance to change. I like cloths. I buy them but I rarely wear anything I buy. Everyday I wear the same things. I have a whole wardrobe full of clothes I can wear but I wear the ones i?m used to. That?s way it?s a perfect routine I know exactly what ill be wearing I know exactly how it will feel when i?m wearing it. Nothing new or unexpected I have to deal with. I now a lot of people hate change (my father doesn?t like it) but not many people hate to change they?re clothes. I don?t think most people hate it to the extent I do. When we moved hose when I was 8 we only went to a house 20 minutes form the old one but it was so traumatic for me it began the downward spiral of depression I?m still on. I could not cope with that kind of change.

 

I don?t like to be touched. For example today I stood on the end of my jeans and nearly fell over my mother reached out and grabbed me. I immediately said don?t touch me. It?s a gut reaction. She got angry and said next time she would let me fall. I said I would prefer that to being touched. She got angrier then. I know what I did wrong there. When I was younger I wouldn?t have but I?ve learned a lot over the years. When someone loves you and you tell them not to touch it hurts them. I don?t mean to be hurtful but I really would rather fall than be touched. When she said next time she would let me fall she was being sarcastic so when i said I would prefer that she thought I was being cheeky and ungrateful. I didn?t mean to be rude. I often am unless I really thin about what has been said to me and what I?m going to say.

It?s hard to even say why I don?t like being touched but when someone touches me it?s almost like I can still feel there touch burning on my skin. I often have to rub the spot they touched the way you would rub dirt form your skin. When my friend?s baby was born last year holding that baby was the first time I truly enjoyed the touch of a human. I?ve held her other children but I don?t like it. I like them but for example when a child sits on someone?s lap they put their arms around the child. I don?t he sits on me and I may as well be a chair. It makes me uncomfortable to hold him because I know I like him and people like to hold children so I should like but all I?m thinking when are you going to get off me. Other people would have the same reaction but I think usually it would be because they dont like children or are wary of them, not because they don?t like to be touched. I actually do like children because they accept you as you are. I don?t eve like it when I have to hold a child hand but I will do it because I care about their safety at roads etc. I will hold a younger child on my lap buts that?s so they won?t fall off. I will do all the touching its takes to provide the care they need but I can?t be affectionate. I?m not sure if I enjoyed holding the baby because being around my friend?s children I have become accustomed to them and contact with children or it?s because she?s not really interacting yet remains to be seen. I suspect I?ve become accustomed to them and was prepared for it. Its not unusual to not be a natural with children it took my friends herself 6 moth to get used to holding her oldest son because she?s not the affectionate type either but its taken my 6 years and I still cant do it wit other children.

 

I?ve never had a relationship probably because I don?t like being touched. I have kissed a few men mostly when drunk. But I?m just not that interested. I?m interested in sex and ill watch porn etc, but I?m not interested enough in people to have a relationship. I don?t connect with people and I don?t believe I could sustain a relationship. Also I can?t flirt or know when someone is flirting with me. The times I?ve kissed men have gone like this. He?ll come over try me in a bar my friends will say he?s been paying my attention I?m always oblivious to it. He?ll start talking to me and ill be frustrated because there?s no way I can understand what some one is saying in a bar or if we are somewhere quit I can?t do small talk so I interrupt and say ?do you want to kiss now?? Men seem to like this but I worry because I?m rarely even interested in asking there name and although I never slept with any of them I?ve learned enough to know that?s I?m being too forward and they are probably expecting ore than I will give and one got aggressive when I refuse to go home with them. My ideal situation would be one where the man comes aver to you states ?I want to to (whatever) with you? and you say what you want to do if it?s the same fine if not move on. This isn?t normal I?ve said it to friends and they?ve said it sounds great but in reality they want flirting and romance. I get frustrated with all that because I don?t understand it. Sometimes a friend will have a text from a boy she likes and she?ll ask me what do think it means what should I reply. I hate this I can do things like this my answer is always ask him I can?t deal with this, people saying one thing but meaning another. If some one says something I just take it that they mean what they say. I worry that if I was in a relationship I would be very easy to manipulate because of this. I?m very slow to trust because of this. I find it hard to trust because I don?t really understand people.

 

I never really have connected to people and when I have it?s in what I thin is a strange way. The one person I think I?ve ever connected to is a friend and her children. I also suppose I am connected to my family because I?ve always lived with them. For example I care about my sister I worry about a lot of the time I don?t like her we?re not close but there are times we get on very well. When she went to Australia I thought I would miss her I was sad before she went I was expecting to care that she was gone. I didn?t care. It was like out of sight out of mind. She may as well have never existed. I feel like that?s a horrible thing to say but when it comes to people it?s like here today gone tomorrow oh well. I?m much more attached to objects I missed the old computer when it broke its still I?m my room. I missed the old TV. I love the TV. I feel affection for it. I say I love my sister but I don?t feel affection for her. It wasn?t even a hard change to cope with when she left because the difficulty of the change was cancelled out by the benefits of there being one less person to deal with. I don?t hate her I don?t wish she would die or anything like that. When she came home it was so difficult because it was a change and there was another person I had to interact with. It caused me so much anxiety I complained about it. But I know enough to know that mine was the wrong reaction everyone else was happy so I tried to make my complaint into a joke. I did it so much it annoyed my mother. She thinks s I?m just horrible and hate my sister and my sister probably thinks the same it?s not that, it?s just so hard for me to cope with.

 

I wasnt very good at playing when i was a child. I?m not very good at playing with my godsons now either. The oldest always wants to play with Lego or transformers. This stresses me out so much but I do it because I think it?s good for him. I?m no good at it I wasn?t good at those types of games even as a child. I loved Lego but it was a game you played alone. I had transformers but I also played alone. Sometimes I would be with friends but still playing alone. He wants to play games like this is the spaceship these are the baddies. My guy is doing this what?s your guy doing. And I draw a blank I don?t know how to play that game. I have a wonderful imagination but my imagination isn?t a team game. It stays in y head it doesn?t translate outside my head not even if I want it to. I end up copying him like I would if I had to as a child. I remember one game I notice was inspired by his love of the playstation games our guys were going up onto platforms and at the top they had to say flavour water they found some was health some poison etc. This would be fine for me if the flavours were decide upon before starting the game but I had to make its up I as I went along. He would say my guy found banana water. I would draw a blank finally I said apple water. He said something else and I said couldn?t think of anything so I said banana water. I should have been able to do this I have a huge vocabulary but it?s all in my head I couldn?t get it?s from there to my mouth on the spot while lifting my guy into the air at the same time. It was so frustrating. Eventually I got the hang of it and them he decided you have to take two turns each time. It was so stressful but he enjoyed it. I ended up repeating myself and what he said al the time. I don?t know why I find it so hard because I do have a great imagination I just can?t share even if I try. I have similar played games when i was achild. Me and me sister used to play a Barbie game where we were sister on the run from a bad husband and we would set up her Barbie camper van he would show up we drive away and set it up somewhere else. Another time the last games I played before giving up dolls at about 12 was with a friend and we were with our babies hiding or something and we would make dinner from berries. I could play these games because they were always the same and I was being told what to do not asked what do they do now. I could follow I couldn?t lead or join in if I wasn?t following. I remember once after moving complaining to my mother that I didn?t have any friends to play with I was holding a Polly pocket play set at the time. She said ill play with you and we were playing with the set I cant remember what she was doing I think she was making the doll walk around and sing I said ?that?s not how you play? and she replied ?well I don?t know how to play you then? I remember thinking I don?t know how to play with somebody else either. It?s not unusual I suppose for an adult to not now how to play with a child but a child should know. When I said she wasn?t doing it right I meant we should play in silence. I will play with my friends child because he like s it I do my best if I could get him to play the way I think it would we would just sit together in silence and build Lego. One of my friends as child I liked playing Lego with was because he had a huge collection and didn?t expect you to talk but too much mostly he did and didn?t care if you were listening. These kinds of friendships worked well for me as a child and the same is true today. I like friends who I can follow round and don?t demand too much or care if im quiet not that I never speak but are so talkative that they don?t even realise im just nodding and not listening or speaking.

 

I definitly can speak and I do especially around people im comfortable with or used to. I?m no good at conversations though. It ok if someone else is leading them but I can?t take the lead. When I speak im generally making a comments sometimes people take that as the start of a conversation but its not. I also babble which ive recently come to suspect annoys people. I?ve learned what my family do when they annoyed but until recently I was oblivious to the fact they they get annoyed when I go on about something they don?t care about or talk incessantly during their programmes.

It?s impossible to speak to people who make me uncomfortable or I don?t know. I?ve learned to answer strangers when they ask me things for a long time I couldn?t Because i would be rude accidentally.

 

The teacher used to say I was a day dreamer. I mostly remember feeling in a daze and never being quite sure what was going on. I always played alone in the yard but I was happy too. I was only unhappy when people tried to get me to join in. I spent most of my time daydreaming I was bored a lot. I had learned to be afraid of being called on to answer because it put me on the spot and I cant answer on the spot I need time to think and practice so I would just say nothing and get laughed at. I also remember the teacher liked to read out thing s to us and we would have to copy it down part of learning to write im sure. This was a nightmare for me because I find it hard to follow what people are saying ive gotten quite good at it but it was impossible for me I would get really far behind and I couldn?t ask her to repeat or explain why I was behind because I couldn?t speak or to be more exact I couldn?t explain myself. She may as well have been speaking French I couldn?t understand. That?s teacher didn?t really like me and it?s from her I started to become aware I was different. She didn?t dislike me in a bad way I think I made her uncomfortable although I didn?t know it at the time. Her comments about me were always that I didn?t seem happy and she used to ask me what was happening at home am she used to say (not to me) how she didn?t like the way I stared I remember hearing her remark I had weird dead eyes. I suppose I must o stared a lot while I was daydreaming. I lived ina fantasy world most of the time because I didn?t understand the world everyone else inhabited.

 

 

I?m not very good at taking compliments because I don?t understand them but ive learned to smile and return the compliment because its rude not to.

 

I learned that if you copy other people you blend in. I wanted to be invisible and not part of the world I could but by copying people I could be just as invisible. I was able to seem normal my imitating friends. I liked what they like and I dressed how they dressed. This isn?t unusual all the other children wanted to be like they?re friends. I didn?t want to I had to. Even so I was still obviously strange. It?s quite a strain to keep up an act like that and I would let it drop sometimes and go back to my quiet self. I think people could probably sense my desperation to get things right and be accepted. When I got to secondary school it was so much worse. As usual a change and that so hard for me. People became more merciless about the fact that I was different. I remember one time in particular (this is something I still get wrong) we were on some sort of activity outside school. I can?t remember what it was some sort of youth club type thing. We were brought into a room and told to sit there was going to be a talk I sat at the back like always were I could hide. In typical teenager style no one sat in the front row. The man giving the talk noticed this and said to me ?would you like to move up the front?? I said ?no?, I didn?t want to I was happing were I was. I didn?t mean to be rude he said the words I understood them gave my answer. Of course I got in trouble for being cheeky and laughed at for being stupid and had to move up the front I was so angry because thing s like that drive me crazy. It?s like when people say things sometimes they mean exactly what they say you could look it up in a dictionary and understand but sometimes they mean something else entirely. How was I supposed to know that when he asked ?would you like to move up the front?? he meant ?I am ordering to move up the front?. The problem is you?re just supposed to know but I don?t. It?s like there?s some unwritten code that everyone else naturally knows but not me and I look stupid for not knowing. Sometimes I don?t get jokes because I take what people say at face value. I get knock type ones do have a sense of humour. But for example my mother was talking about my cousin?s father in-law who they don?t like and about how he?s so dirty and I was listening and she said something I can remember exactly but it ended probably get scabies. I said ?oh why does he have scabies? just as everyone else started to laugh and I realised just as I said it was a joke. Everyone else saw it coming I didn?t get it until the others laughed. If it had of just been me and my mother alone I would be left wondering why she said he had scabies when he doesn?t. It really drives me crazy when people don?t just say what they mean. For example I had a biology teacher who used to make us stand behind our chairs while she called the role and then when she was finished she would tell us to sit. She did this by saying ?sitting down? she used those exact words not sit down. Everyone found this amusing but it drove me to distraction my blood still boils it worse than nails on a blackboard to me. It doesn?t make sense I used to feel like screaming its ?sit down? not ?sitting down? I always felt like screaming im standing up not sitting down. I was good at reading and I liked it but I was bad at interpretation. I could write but writing essays was impossible. I had excellent English but I couldn?t get my thoughts from my head to the paper or to my mouth for that matter. Expressing my opinion vocally is a jumbled non sensical mess but to do it on paper was so slow. It would take me up to 5 hours to write a 3 page essay. Partly due to the fact that if im not interested im something im so easily distracted. I can only focus on my latest obsession. It?s so hard for me.

 

It?s not just acting like other people its just not acting weird in general. For example usually when im walking I have the urge to make popping noises or I like to make the sound bubububu I also to bob my head and rub my thumbs against my fingers. I don?t do it anymore you can imagine people response but repressing the urge is like trying not to sneeze or yawn I don?t have to think about repressing it

 

It?s so hard when you have to practice every conversation beforehand. When im sitting waiting in a doctors waiting room im trying to anticipate what they will ask me and finding my answer and then try to guess what the next question will be based on my answer. The conversation never goes like I think it will so all I ever give are my usual yes no I don?t know. When I say I don?t know sometimes I really don?t know, sometimes it may be something ive never thought of before or a lot of the time I have an answer and I have a wonderful vocabulary but none the ability to express myself. I usually end up giving an answer that doesn?t really say what I mean so I don?t bother answering at all because it?s so frustrating to be constantly misunderstood especially when you know the person doesn?t know that they are misunderstanding you.

 

im even particular about how I eat. For example I make sandwiches so that I can comfortably eat them in exactly 16 bites my mother thinks this is hilarious and thinks im crazy and says im obsessive. I?m also a very picky eater in that ill pick a food and it will all I want until I get tired of it. Right now its petit filous and coke that?s all I ever eat and has been for about a month before it was soup I don?t know what it will be next.

 

I have interests I love TV I love my computer and I get certain interests and it will be all I want to do ever. Right now it yahoo answers. The real interest I have in it is looking up things online . I can find the hardest most obscure things online im an expert at searching im so fast. I?m always like that thought I can?t understand why people don?t learn how to do things like that. My parents always tell me im so good with the computer but everything I know I learned online or from the help section of widows. I have no great when I have something I just have a need to understand it fully. I love the Simpson?s I loved it since it started I know everything about the episodes sometimes I even know whets going to be said next. I know the obscurest things *i cut out a whole long section here that was just obscure facts and pieces of dialogue form the simpsons.*

 

Thank to anyone who took the time to read this.

 

Yvie

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Welcome to the forum! I really think you'll find it a great source of comfort and support and you'll 'meet' others in a similar position to yourself.

 

My son is 6 and has AS. I recall being desperate to the point that I couldn't think about anything other than seeking a reason for why he behaves the way he does. I'd sit up night after night and reads lots of books. Finally, one day I read a book and I KNEW that he has AS. It wasn't easy getting him diagnosed because he doesn't tick every box on a specialists diagnostic checklist. I kept a diary over an 8 month period and sent it in advance of appoinments and there was no arguing with it. It was fairly obvious that it was AS. I'm a big believer in gut feeling - my heart and my head knew R had AS. It certainly sounds like you too know now as well.

 

I guess I can only give an opinion as to whether you should seek a diagnosis. But my answer would be yes. I think that that label can give peace of mind. Certainly, in my son's case, it gives a reason why he behaves the way he does. My expectation is that he should get some understanding (ie he's not simply a badly behaved little boy - there's more to it than that!).

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[Nic m]

Hi yvie,

i think you should still look for a diagnosis, this will hopefully help you to understand why you do the things you do.As caroline said it may give you peace of mind.

My daughter is nearly 11 and some of the things you have described are behaviours i have witnessed with her.

You have said you would go down a private route for diagnosis but it may be helpful to look at support groups and information first.

Good luck with your search for answers, i hope you find them.

Nicola

[angel77]

Hi yvie,

 

Could you print off your first message as you probably could never talk to a GP or specialist as well, I'm sure it would be useful.

 

Good luck with an assessment. For Aspergers there is a triad of impairments. Language and communication, imagination and social and emotional.

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=458&a=5489 Here is a link, it may be worth you having a look.

 

Angel.

[Mumble]

Hi Yvie,

 

Only you can know whether you need to take a next step or not. I suggest before making a decision you do a lot more reading about ASDs. You fully acknowledge that you don't know a lot about autism, and that's clear. We're not geniuses () and using the term 'mild' is sure to irk rather a few people here (just do a search for 'mild ASD' and you're soon see what I mean!! It's difficult of course, because some professional also use the term mild.

 

I suggest you read the information on the NAS website and list the concerns you have under the three areas of the triad. This will help you assess your needs better and be clearer for a doctor than any long prose.

 

But also important is to consider that symptoms can be for multiple other things and it's importat not to loose sight of that in thinking, 'I know what the problem is'.

[Karen A]

Hi Yvie Welcome to the Forum.The users here are a very supportive group of people.Some are adults or teenagers with AS,others are parents or individuals with an interest in ASD.Please do not worry about using all of the right words or about not knowing a lot about ASD.I did not know very much until a couple of years ago when somone suggested my son Ben might have AS. <'> <'>

There are some very good books written by adults and teenagers with ASD and I found them very helpful.

I think that there may be fewer professionals with the experience and knowledge to Diagnose ASD in Ireland than in England.To be honest in England it appears difficult to obtain a Diagnosis as an adult so it may be very difficult in Ireland.

Before you spend any money on attempting to obtain a Diagnosis privately it may well be worth doing some research to find out exactly what services are available to Adults with AS in Ireland.It would also be worth finding out how much awareness and support is available.

Many of the Forum users here live in Great Britain and the views expressed reflect this.Certainly if you live in Southern Ireland the services available may be different.

If you take some time to read around the Forum you will find lots of helpful information.If you have any questions then do ask.Karen.

[Tally]

Hi yvie, and welcome to the forum.

 

All of those things could point to Asperger's, and that is a good reason to look further into it.

 

I suspected I had AS for several years before getting assessed privately. I was not able to get assessed on the NHS, so it was private or not at all. Unfortunately, this does seem to be commonly the case, in the UK at least.

 

For me, simply 'knowing' I had AS made a big difference to my life and my self-confidence. The official diagnosis further affirmed that, and has also made me feel comfortable about telling other people, including my employer.

 

If you want to learn more about autism and AS in particular, I would recommend The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

[Ian Jordan]

You described in your email two different areas, one sensory defensiveness and sensory integration problems, the other differing information processing difficulties. These are consistent with being on the spectrum, and can be addressed in numerous ways. I agree with previous posts - the first thing you need is to get educated - then decide on whether you wish to be assessed and what is the best order for your assessments.

good luck