Crisis of confidence

[Flora]

I'm really really grateful that I have dependents who rely on me being able to put one foot in front of another and string a sentence together otherwise I don't know where I would be. I am suffering a real crisis of confidence just now. Or at least I think I am because I also wonder if it's becaues I'm thinking too much. I often see people on here with AS telling of their struggles to cope with things and I think to myself that I don't have it so bad. However, I've come to think this morning that I am totally and utterly dysfuntional and the only reason why I'm sitting here fully dressed and writing a weekend list, is because I've got 3 people who rely on me for everything. What I'd actually like to do is just go somewhere on my own and stay there.

 

This is a horrible post, and I'm not looking for answers or sympathy or any of those things, I would just like to know if there's anyone else who feels like this all of the time. I've felt like this all my adult life but have always written it off as depression but if I'm honest with myself this is how I am all the time but it depends very much on how much sleep I've had, what else is going on, etc whether I give into those feelings or not. The times I'm really on top of everything are very very rare and for once I do believe that this is basically the horrible side of AS. I never blame anything on my life on AS, but today I am. It's horrible, and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my big 'normal act' is something even I believed still but today I think I've stopped believing it and just don't have the energy to pretend to be normal anymore. I think I've lost my mind!!!

 

Flora

 

 

[Mumble]

*nods* (not at you loosing your mind, I hasten to add, at the things being on top of you/pretending bits... stop digging Mumble )

 

When I win the lottery (ok, when I start playing and then win the lottery against all the odds) I'm buying a small Scottish Island all to myself so I can do totally as I please, when I like, without having to conform to anything expected - but with a boat so I can get to the mainland and conform when I want to...

 

I find I really need something external to make me carry on - I'm currently in my third month of being signed off sick from college and loosing that structure has impacted on me - I can find, oh, it's Noon and I still have my pyjamas on - I know, small example, but it's a sort of needing the impetus to do things. I've actually recently decided to put myself back on a timetable resembling a college timetable, eating at regular times etc simply because that seems to be how I work - whether it'll work without being accountable to anyone, I don't know.

 

As to it feeling like depression, I think that's a really difficult one, my theory is a sort of cycling in/out/touching and that the more someone doesn't do things, the more it's easy to say I can't and then become depressed at not doing anything, or at least feel the symptoms of depression but perhaps not actually be depressed - i don't think that makes sense - my consultant, looking simply at symptoms (And this not being his speciality) suggested I could be depressed because he saw tiredness, lack of motivation etc., but it took my GP who knows me much better and what I've been though to say no (and I agreed) it's more a reaction etc. - Do you have a good relationship with a GP who could perhaps help you to see things more clearly, and do the thinking (yes I think I think too much) objectively?

 

if I'm honest with myself this is how I am all the time but it depends very much on how much sleep I've had, what else is going on, etc whether I give into those feelings or not.

Can you identify specific 'triggers' which you could then either work against, or be more forgiving of yourself - you can say, OK, I feel ######, but I know that's probably because I didn't sleep enough/the dog's ill/the weather's bad/I haven't eaten well/the dreaded PMT etc (just giving examples, hope they don't come across as flippant). It's really helped me to go easier on myself doing this recently and saying to myself, it's OK sometimes if I have an off day - nothing really bad is going to happen if I have a day indulging in a bit too much chocolate and working my way through the Friends DVDs and I have a timetable for tomorrow (that's one thing that's helped me, just a list on the white-board/paper outlining what you need to do in what general order the next day - I find I sleep better and when I get up I have more of a purpose).

 

Hmm, I've waffled and I'm not sure it makes sense.

 

 

[Flora]

Thanks mumble

 

I've just read my post back and realise it's a bit (or a lot!) self indulgent I think I need to give myself a mental shake up!

 

Flo'

[Suze]

<'> ...........its o.k . ...you,ve done all your blinkin christmas shopping so you can stay in your jamas till dinner.......in fact tomorrow take a mental day off from it all and you and the kids make a pact to eat copious amounts of rubbish and chocolate and stay in your pj,s all day <'>

 

.......I,ve no real advice I,m afraid and I,m not much help making stupid jokes but in the best sense of the word....give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself

[Mumble]

...........its o.k . ...you,ve done all your blinkin christmas shopping

 

Has she? Has she? In that case, I take back everything I've said. Bloomin' Christmas shopping done before the end of November whilst some of us haven't made it to the shops yet people...

 

[zaman]

I think that we all have times when we feel like that. Especially when we are tired. I've had a cold for a month now, and I know that if I went off to a spa for a long weekend on my own, I would feel great. But instead, there is the reality of my life . . .

[Flora]

<'> ...........its o.k . ...you,ve done all your blinkin christmas shopping so you can stay in your jamas till dinner.......in fact tomorrow take a mental day off from it all and you and the kids make a pact to eat copious amounts of rubbish and chocolate and stay in your pj,s all day <'>

 

.......I,ve no real advice I,m afraid and I,m not much help making stupid jokes but in the best sense of the word....give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself

 

Thank you Suze .... that is exactly what I need... to be laughed out of it. I've spent some time on the phone to one of my friends oop north and she has said I've got to make time, teeth or no teeth...( ie..copious dental appointments)... for a trip up there before Christmas... so I've already more or less got that planned... I've lit the fire and have a pile of goodies (sod the diet for today) for me and the kids to eat while we're watching the telly tonight... and I've already got my jamas on

 

Sometimes you just need to indulge yourself in the right way.

 

Thanks to all who responded to this whinge!

 

Flora XX

[Kathryn]

Flora

 

<'>

 

You're allowed to have a "non - day" (as my mum in law calls them) sometimes, and you'll probably feel better for it tomorrow. Enjoy your evening - with winter setting in it's a good day to curl up and watch telly.

 

I'm regretting not having gone and bought some choc, crisps and wine earlier. Now it's dark and cold - no way I'm going out!

 

K x

[baddad]

You know, one other thing aside from taking a 'night off' etc you could maybe think about...

We tend to think of our problems when we're on the ropes and not be able to see the woods from the trees - to see just how well (comparatively) we are doing.

With yourself, for example, you're looking at it and thinking 'oh god, why am i finding it so tough', and while it may be true that you are finding it really tough you're losing sight of the fact that squillions of other people are too! So it's not just you who doesn't measure up - it's EVERYONE!!!

Now that really should make you feel better! <'>

 

If you think about it in real times, how many non-autistic people do you know who have got it any more sussed than you have? Okay, they might not have some of the peripheral complications going on that you have, but push them to one side and look at the bigger picture and they're still largely struggling along on a level somewhere between incompetent and 'getting by'.

Globally, the human race has messed up just about everything they've ever touched (just ask the dolphins!) so you shouldn't feel guilty - it's part of the human condition...

And then you have to think about those dependents you mentioned, and ask yourself the question why they depend on you; and the answer is that most of the time you're batting way above average