Have I made a mistake?

[Morgado]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm 26 and currently on the waiting list for a diagnosis of AS. I am seeing a psychologist also who has said that he is confident that I have AS and has changed the structure of our sessions to being based around the Human Givens (?) approach.

When he asked me how I hoped to benefit from knowing I have AS (he says that as far as he is concerned, the assessment in July is merely a formality), I replied that I wanted to understand other people better and for them to be a bit more understanding to me. He suggested that I try to write about it, and I have since posted some blogs on another site which have received a brilliant response - one person said he wants to change the focus of his dissertation on learning difficulties to AS, another hasasked me to help in forming a creative arts group for adults with AS, another has suggested I try to write a book about my experiences, and another said that they had wished they had read the blog 4 years ago when they met their Aspie partner.

 

Anyway, there is a woman at work who I found out has a child with AS. This woman and myself have always had a lot of difficulties (she has been disciplined for making me anxious), mainly as I find it very hard to understand her as she talks very quickly, does not give me enough time to think about how to respond, and to me a lot of the things she says are very illogical to me. So we have ended up becoming very frustrated with each other on a number of occassions. I was very reluctant to inform her about my referral for AS as I do not want to be treated any differently in the office, but I recently thought that, now I know about AS and how it affects me (as stated, I consider myself to be have AS without yet having the 'formal' diagnosis), and that after the success of my blogs, that by letting her read them then maybe she could understand me a bit better and why our communication in the office doesn't work so well (the blogs in question were a 4-part series discussing communication problems between Aspies and NTs). So I printed off the blogs, along with a letter explaining everything (only my boss in the office knew about the AS referral and that I am receiving support based around it), and saying that I hoped it would help us communicate better and that I thought she may find it interesting, having an Aspie child, to read something from the perspective of an adult on the spectrum. I then placed them in an envelope on her desk labelled "a gift".I saw her pick it up as she left for the day so I know she had it.

 

This morning I pinged her an email (I communicate mainly through email both at work and at home. I just find it a lot easier, and it is something I discuss in my blogs as well) asking her if she liked her gift. I did not get a reply and she did not say anything to me for the entire day (she is usually quite chatty). I am a bit worried now that perhaps I have made one of my legendary social errors and if anyone could give me some advice? I'm getting quite anxious because I am worried that perhaps I have offended her or angered her, or that perhaps she may think I am making excuses. Have I made a mistake? How could I go about approaching her?

[Tally]

I have recently been having huge problems with a colleague who I told about my AS after she told me her son may have AS. I can't really give you some advice really, because I have not found a solution. I wonder if maybe it's one of those things that parents aren't willing to talk about until they are ready - and you don't necessarily know when they may be ready. I don't think you have done anything wrong or unprofessional as such, or that this is the same type of social error typical of Asperger's, but maybe you just picked the wrong time. I don't think anyone would have known what might be the right time.

 

I think it's too late to worry whether it was a mistake or looked like you are making excuses. She will have made up her own mind by now and nothing you say will change it.

 

It's probably best not to say anything more about it and let her approach you when (if) she feels ready. If you do see her you could say something brief like, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable," but there's no need to say anything more than that. Other than that, I'd keep things strictly business, otherwise it could look like you are harrassing her. It might also be worth letting your boss know now what has happened, just in case there is any fall-out at a later date.

[zaman]

I wouldn't say from what you have written here that you have made a mistake at all. Just the opposite in fact. But it may be the the woman in question is having her own issues with autism. I would suggest just leaving her for a while and see how she responds, without taking it any further yourself with her.

 

The only word of caution that I would suggest, is to ensure that the people in question don't end up feeling that they have got it all wrong with their own kids from what you are saying about yourselves. For example if you say 'people with Aspergers . . . ' that it is clear that it is 'some people with Aspergers . . . ' or 'having Aspergers affects me . . .' We can be a touchy lot us NTs.

 

Z

[skye]

I personally do not think that you have made a mistake. I would be grateful that you were making an effort and to hear or read how having AS has affected your life. It may be that she had made a lot of assumptions about you as a person and now knowing that you may have similar problems to her child she may be having to reevaluate what she thought. I would wait it out. It may take her some time to readjust to a new line of thinking or to open up to you how she really feels. I would not worry that you have done something wrong because I am NT and I think it sounds completely reasonable. It appears to me from that you are trying to smooth things over and give this person a chance to understand where you are coming from. Hope everything works out, Skye

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. I wonder if she may have taken umbridge to what was written on the envelope (a gift). She may have been expecting free tickets for something or a gift voucher and may not see what you've written as 'a gift'. There's a saying - there's nothing as queer as folk. Some people are very difficult to work out full stop. For what it's worth (I'm NT), I think you've been very considerate and thoughtful.

 

Caroline.

[Morgado]

Well she was ignoring me completely again today; did not say a word. So I just pinged her an email saying "I am very sorry if I have upset or offended you in any way, it is not my intention. Are you ok?"

She did not reply.

Oh well.

I found out on Monday I am being made redundant anyway. My last day is on Tuesday. So I have much bigger worries on my mind

[Kathryn]

Sorry to hear you're being made redundant, Morgado.

 

The email sounds fine and I don't think there's any more you could have done. As others have said, there may be all kinds of reasons why she isn't responding, and they may not be connected with you at all, so try not to worry.

 

K x