I've messed up everything...

[suz]

Hi guys, sorry to burden you so soon after joining the forum...

 

Basically I think I've just lost one of only two or three friends I have. I met her about 18 months ago at college and we've always got on pretty well, although I know she struggles to understand my strange ways.

 

However, having been feeling pretty depressed recently I have kind-of withdrawn even more than usual and haven't seen much of her. When I have seen her I've been trying to explain a bit about what I struggle with in the hope that she'll understand, for HER sake, so she doesn't think I'm being rude. But it seems as always happens between me and friends that I've hurt her now anyway. The thing is I don't understand what I've done wrong.

 

She text me and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink but I said I couldn't because, as I've explained to her before, I can't do things on the spur of the moment. I have a routine that I have to follow, I know it probably sounds stupid but I can't handle it when things get changed or my routine gets broken. Well, I don't understand why but she text back and said that I've been pushing her away and she's really really hurt. I hate it when I hurt people which I so often seem to do so after much (literally!) and I text her back and apologised profusely. However, we then got into this long text conversation in which she said I was selfish and never put anyone before myself, and that friendships are a two way thing and you have to work at them. I am aware of this, but I'm someone who needs a LOT of space to myself, especially when I'm feeling low.

 

Anyway, I've ended up ruining another friendship without ever meaning to, and feel very confused as after all these years I still don't understand how this whole frindship thing works. People are just so complicated!!! ...no offense...

 

I'm really upset so if anyone has any words of wisdom or can explain why this has happened and what I've done wrong I'd greatly appreciate it. And if anyone can relate or let me know if this is an aspie thing that would be great too. I'm not diagnosed at the mo but am thinking more and more every day that perhaps I should be. Thanks you guys.

 

Suz Xx

[Diane]

Oh Suz's have yourself a drink and some of these. <'> >< <'> >< <'> >< <'>

 

There is nothing so complicated as friendships as they are all different as we are. Differences in expectations and energy levels in a friendship can lead to trouble. The only way to even up expectations in a friendship is to figure out - together- that things are uneven, and the only way to do this is talk about it. I can see from your post your have tried to do this.

 

Sometimes when we upset friends it helps to write a letter explaining what has been misunderstood. The good thing about putting something on writing is they have time to reflect and see things from a different perspective. Perhaps at the end of your letter you could invite her over to your place to see if your differences can be patched up and the friendship saved. If you are both feeling hurt by each others reaction and comments this could take a little time but given time rifts in friendships can be healed.

 

Sometimes it does not matter who was in the wrong, if you want to try and save a friendship you need to make contact. If you try and save the frienship and it gets back on track great, if you try and it still does not work out you will feel sad for a while. At least you will know that you did everything you could.

 

Are you sure you have not been too quick to blame yourself for the misunderstanding as it sounds as if you have put a lot of effort into explaining what you need and why. Would it help to have someone talk with you and your friend who could help explain your difficulties. This can sometimes help.

 

I am not sure if what I have said will help.

 

Thinking of you.

[something_different]

((hugs))

 

 

[suz]

Hi

 

Thanks diane and something different for the replies - and the much needed hugs! <'>

 

I think writing a letter could be a very good idea. I think I am often quick to blame myself when something like this happens, I guess because this sort of thing seems to happen so often in my life. My friend and I are quite different in character - her being very energetic and outgoing, whilst I am quite quiet and introverted. I think this in itself makes things difficult.

 

I think I do need to be honest with myself though and in some ways I have made things worse. I've been avoiding her calls a bit because I haven't felt like being around people (in general, not just her) but she may well have taken this personally. And it probably is true that friendships have to be worked on, and are a two-sided thing, whereas she has very much taken the lead from the start. I think she probably feels a bit let down. But then from my perspective I kind of feel almost harassed by her constant calls and texts, which are probably no more than average but too much for me to handle.

 

Is this the kind of stuff I should be putting in a letter to her if I decide to write one? I think once we've both cooled off it will be easier to discuss things anyway, but a letter might be a good starting point.

 

Thanks again for the advice - keep it coming!

 

Suz

[Diane]

Hi Suz's

 

I am glad you have found what I had to say helpful. I adlmire your ability to take onboard advice without seeing it as criticism, this is often the case with most people. Well done. I hope I do not sound patronising.

 

If you have ignored your friends calls I can understand why she is feeling hurt possibly rejected and yes she will have taken this personally as she is not aware of the bigger picture. I have felt like this myself. It is a quality I admire in my son who has Aspergers not to feel that he is being left out. Not sure I am explaining this very well. He is very accepting of people in a way that I find difficult sometimes as my emotions get in the way.

 

I like to think that your friend is the sort of person who would accept a letter of explanation. especially if you explain as you have done here that it was not personal you not returning her calls or texts.

 

If you want this friendship to work which I know you do then you need to come outside your comfort zone for a while. I know this will be difficult for you and I hope you have some strategies you can use to help you cope. I do not know if you are any good at visulisation but perhaps you could remember the good times you have shared when the going gets tough as this is what you want again.

 

There is always one dominant person in a friendship but even that person needs positive feedback even if you do not feel like giving it and that goes for everyone. That can be quite difficult because no matter how we feel sometimes others feel worse or just need reassurance that we do actually like them. It is the small gestures that we make that tells them this.

 

The gestures I make to my friends are buying a nice card with nice words about friendships. Taking an interest in what is happening in their lives even if I think it is boring or just don't understand what they get out of something because it is not what I would do. I wish them good luck if I know they have something happening that the may feel uncomfortable with or have a difficulty with.

 

The tough thing is that there are no hard and fast rules about friendship, what works for one set of friends does not work for another.

 

I think a letter is a good place to start. Apologise at first and tell her you are trying really hard to understand why she feels hurt and then try to explain your difficulties and that you would like the opportunity to smooth over the misunderstanding you have had as you value your friendship of her. It might be worth adding that you think a lot of her. All us humans are vain beyond belief and flattery is quite often the best way forward.

 

Kind Regards

 

Diane