Am I slacking?

[lbj]

I can't decide if my "instinct" is right or if I'm just making excuses to myself for slacking! My son (3yrs 8mths ASD) started nursery in January. He's been coming along well; his readiness to communicate is improving, he's settling in at nursery (after his own fashion), he's 75% potty trained etc. During the week he seems far more "tuned in" than before but I'm noticing that at the weekends his selective deafness makes a big comeback, he tends to sit at the computer and screen everyone else out or just charge about aimlessly (but cheerfully). I feel that maybe he needs some downtime after being made to stretch his capabilities during the week but then I worry that it's just me being lazy and I should be struggling to engage and stimulate him. What do people think?

 

janine

[SarahSH]

Hi janine

 

Can't help I'm afraid with which way to go but I really know the feeling. I have often felt the same with my son, now 16 - do I let him tune out because he needs it after being 'out in the world' and over-stimulated, or do I try to interest him in things?

 

I sometimes think part of his problem now is that he has spent so much of his time tuned out, that his mind and body just haven't had the same amount of practice that other kids have at the things that he finds difficult anyway, and so he's further out of step.

 

But then, it isn't a race, there's no set time to do things I suppose and he will develop at his own pace. Although that does rely very heavily on me being a kind of spare head for him, for the things he can't /doesn't want to deal with yet. I suppose that's the thing - the can't/won't issue. Your son is so much younger that maybe 'can't' is a much bigger part of it just now.

 

I think for us, I've probably been a bit too ready to let him laze about because i thought it was all too much for him. I don't know - sometimes I feel I've overdone the pushy mum stuff too, trying to get him to do things in lists of more than one and he's ended up feeling got at and stressed.

 

It just feels like such a tightrope which it's very easy to fall off either side.

 

guess a mum's place is in the wrong! But we need our downtime too don't we

all the best

Sarah

[baddad]

Hi Jean -

 

By 'selective deafness' I guess you mean he hears what he wants to hear, rather than a processing problem, which would be a constant? I don't think there's anything wrong with giving him 'downtime' at the weekend and taking the pressure off a bit, but if that's confined to the house/computer then it's not 'downtime' it's just a different sort of stimulation, so you might as well stimulate him with something that's going to benefit him socially rather than something that's going to reinforce isolation. If housebound is the way you go, then other stimulations could be board games/arts and crafts together/physical rough and tumble/hide and seek etc, but if you can get him out and explore the great outdoors (not necessarily crowded parks if they're problematic, but woodland walks/cycling stuff like that - we used to go hunting 'dinosaur skeletons (felled tree's etc) when my boy was little and i would take the lead in games like 'jungle run' and stuff like that to stimulate his creative/imaginative play) that's even better. Or 'wear 'em out' type places. As far as Computer games etc go i'd try from the outset to limit him to a maximum of a couple of hours per day, and have expectations of him outside of swapping the computer monitor for other 'ready made' entertainment like TV/DVD's. You're going to really struggle with that later on whatever you are doing now; so the sooner you can teach him that other stuff is worthwhile too the less of a job you'll have convincing him later.

If you think about it, probably the biggest challenge an autistic child faces is learning to 'do social'. he's going to learn how to do it far more comfortably with you and the rest of the immediate family than he is in school, and the weekends are - now that he's in school - the only opportunities to exploit that. Better to give him his downtime in the week when schools done for the day (when it's also a reward for doing well in school), 'cos that's when he's likely to be most socially challenged and/or stressed.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[lbj]

To Sarah - I'm very reassured that you find yourself with the same sort of conflicted feelings but a bit dismayed that it might still be going on when he's sixteen

 

To Baddad - I think things outside the house might just work - maybe I need to think about what we can do in that regard. And yes, although he's doing CBeebies games which are pretty educational, I'm noticing for example how potty accidents accompany computer usage and I know it's far too absorbing and needs to be restricted.

 

Re - selective deafness. His language difficulties are quite profound (quite a big vocabulary and some applied echolalia but that's about it). It's hard to guage just how bad his receptive language skills are but it's safe to say they're not great. He usually gives the impression of listening most of the time now but today for example, he turns when you call his name (much better than say nine months ago) and then blanks you and turns back to what he was doing once you actually start to talk to him.

 

Ahh, he's just crashed the computer and come out asking for bubbles instead!

 

janine

[baddad]

Re - selective deafness. His language difficulties are quite profound (quite a big vocabulary and some applied echolalia but that's about it). It's hard to guage just how bad his receptive language skills are but it's safe to say they're not great. He usually gives the impression of listening most of the time now but today for example, he turns when you call his name (much better than say nine months ago) and then blanks you and turns back to what he was doing once you actually start to talk to him.

 

Ahh, he's just crashed the computer and come out asking for bubbles instead!

 

janine

Sorry, that probably came out a bit wrong! I didn't mean in the sense of him just not listening - more a case of only taking stuff in properly if he hears the right keywords... My son's great at repeating stuff back if you 'check' he's been listening, but it's really just like playing back a tape - the meaning hasn't necessarily gone in at all. However if he wants to hear what i'm saying (rather than to look attentive for my benefit) he can take it in...

best thing is to limit all external distractions when you want be sure he hears, so if he's on the PC actually get him to pause the game/mute the sound and look away from the screen, and make sure he's focussed on you. Still no guarantees, but a better chance of getting it in!

My son is now old enough to explain this better - we recently discussed how much of a 'general' conversation or lesson he thinks he can absorb. He reckons about 60/70% on average, but it can be much less depending on other distractions. Can't be sure how accurate his assessment is (how can he know how much he's missing if he's missing it?!), but his guess is probably better than mine.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Sooze2]

I agree with baddad, at the weekend we tend to let the kids do their own thing in the mornings but always go out in the afternoon. We either see freinds or go to the woods for a walk/bikeride, park etc, we always do outdoor stuff as a family because I couldn't stay in all day with the kids as they all tend to go a bit stir crazy and just get on each others nerves really. Plus they need to have fresh air and excersise.

 

DS (ASD/ADHD) would happily spend every waking hour on the PlayStation or looking up Cheets for the Play Station on the computer but it can't be good for him really can it? His CHAMs lady has said that I should just let it be and if that is what makes him happy then I should let him do it. If he is very stressed, had a meltdown or getting hyper then I tell him to go in his room and the playstation goes on and this is where he leaves this world and enters his escape pod to DS's car world where its safe. This is great but it's not teaching him anything, he's running away from the real world where he will have to live forever so I try to treat all the kids the same but I deal with anything DS finds difficult and reacts to negatively as they happen. I feel that if I can give him as many experiences as possible then he will be more able to cope with them as time goes on! A good theory which sometimes goes slightly wrong but I like to think that I've tried.

 

Sorry Ive gone off track.

 

Your not being lazy at all, using the computer etc is fine and most kids are doing that as long as it's combined with a good does of reality for the rest of the days its fine. You and him could set yourself a chalenge to find and tryout every park where you live to find out which one is the best.