How to stop myself nagging constantly?

[congealingchop]

Our son, who'll be 4 in June, has just been diagnosed with Asperger's. He's very hard to keep on track (once I've persuaded him to go to the loo, for instance, he'll faff around with the door handle/key/loo roll holder/flush for 15 minutes or more and needs constant reminders to get on with the "task") and we haven't yet found a successful strategy for dealing with this. I hate nagging him, but it feels as though I spend most of the day doing it at the moment. I'm happy to let him faff around when we're not pushed for time, but he can't spend all day in the bathroom or contemplating getting dressed! Any advice?

 

Thanks,

congealingchop

[Salbaggio]

I know that it is probably something that you have already tried but how do reward charts work for him? Sticker charts or extra minutes on a timer for watching tv?

 

My son for example will sit ALL day on the laptop playing games if I let him so we have to use a timer not only for his own well being but also so that his brother can get a look in

 

If I need him to focus and do a job quickly, like getting dressed without getting distracted, I might say "If you can go and get dressed and come straight back you will earn an extra minute on the timer/sticker on your chart etc"

 

When he was younger though I used to challenge him to a race "I bet you can't get to the toilet and back by the time I count to 30!" He would dash off with my shouting "1,2,3,4......" and would always take longer than I said but if I was happy that he was not faffing, as soon as I heard him coming back I would continue with "....26,27,28 etc etc"

 

He used to get such a sense of satisfaction for getting back in time. If I would hear him faffing though I would go to the bottom of the stairs and call "15,16,17 etc" as a reminder and would soon hear him dashing to the bathroom

[Tally]

Perhaps breaking it down into smaller tasks would make it more achievable. For example, instead of telling him to get dressed, tell him to put on his trousers, put on his top, put on his shoes, etc. You could make a picture chart instead of having to hang over him telling him. If you're not a good artist, you could take some photos of him doing each stage. Once he gets into a good routine with it, he might need gradually less guidance.

 

I'm an adult with AS, and I find this strategy works well for me. For example, the task of cleaning the bathroom sounds incomprehensible to me, but when I sit down and write a list of clean bath, clean toilet, sweep floor, etc, I can get it done really quickly. Now I don't even need to refer to the list, I can just get on with it, but it has taken time.

[Salbaggio]

That's a good suggestion Tally. My son has been like a different child since I discovered "the power of the list" as I refer to it. I wish I had thought to use photographs before he could read!

[Gavin]

Hi

 

A visual timetable is working for us with Matthew (6yo, dx AS, issues with anger mgt / violence). We spoke to the school and they had some software to produce little cards which have a word or words on and appropriate symbols, such as 'get dressed','shoes', 'swimming' etc. and they were happy to do this for us. We got the cards laminated and now each night we prepare the timetable for the next day. It is clearly visible on the kitchen wall. We don't always use actual times for everything though, as DS would get stressed if it then happened one minute before or after! It does help because we can nudge things on one step at a time rather than overloading DS with instructions. It's also a distraction technique in itself - 'Let's see what's next on the timetable, Matthew'.

 

All the best

 

Gavin

[Salbaggio]

We spoke to the school and they had some software to produce little cards which have a word or words on and appropriate symbols, such as 'get dressed','shoes', 'swimming' etc. and they were happy to do this for us. We got the cards laminated and now each night we prepare the timetable for the next day. It is clearly visible on the kitchen wall. We don't always use actual times for everything though, as DS would get stressed if it then happened one minute before or after! It does help because we can nudge things on one step at a time rather than overloading DS with instructions. It's also a distraction technique in itself - 'Let's see what's next on the timetable, Matthew'.

 

My sons school were telling me about another boy that had been through their doors with laminated cards like you describe. Apparently his parents made differents sets of them and linked them together a bit like a mini flip chart and he always had one set or the other in his hand. The teachers were saying that the cards in themselves were quite a comfort and he used to look like he had rosary beads sometimes bless him

 

He would have a get dressed set and a getting into school set and a lunch time set, they sounded a brilliant idea but because they linked them just with some string, they could not get out of order and stress him further xx

[congealingchop]

I know that it is probably something that you have already tried but how do reward charts work for him? Sticker charts or extra minutes on a timer for watching tv?

 

My son for example will sit ALL day on the laptop playing games if I let him so we have to use a timer not only for his own well being but also so that his brother can get a look in

 

If I need him to focus and do a job quickly, like getting dressed without getting distracted, I might say "If you can go and get dressed and come straight back you will earn an extra minute on the timer/sticker on your chart etc"

 

When he was younger though I used to challenge him to a race "I bet you can't get to the toilet and back by the time I count to 30!" He would dash off with my shouting "1,2,3,4......" and would always take longer than I said but if I was happy that he was not faffing, as soon as I heard him coming back I would continue with "....26,27,28 etc etc"

 

He used to get such a sense of satisfaction for getting back in time. If I would hear him faffing though I would go to the bottom of the stairs and call "15,16,17 etc" as a reminder and would soon hear him dashing to the bathroom

 

Thanks, Salbaggio. We have tried reward charts, but with very limited success. The challenge technique has worked in the past, though. Might have to resurrect that.

[congealingchop]

Thanks, Tally. We've never tried that with him, so it's definitely worth a go.

[congealingchop]

That sounds brilliant, Gavin. Thanks.