Explaining AS difficulties

[aleph_nought]

Something which I find a problem is that, because I can do some things in life very well, people find it very hard to get their heads round the idea that there are some everyday things I find very difficult. I encounter this both with friends and with people I just happen to meet in the course of life. For example, the other day, I was almost shouted at by someone in a railway ticket office when I was having difficulty understanding the rules for applying for a student railcard. I think that he might have thought that I was either being deliberately difficult, or that I was lying about being a PhD student (how could I be, and be *that* stupid?) - but, then, trying to work out out what was going on with him was part of the problem. It was a very stressful situation, and I completely melted down afterwards. I ended up kicking a bench in the station, and then sitting down, shaking and taking a quarter of an hour to read the short leaflet he'd given me. Other less bad examples are frequent: I get disbelieving looks when I tell people that I find certain 'basic' things stressful (doing more than one thing at once, being in crowds, managing money). Because my problem with this stuff is invisible, it's very difficult to 'prove' to people that there's an issue.

 

How do others deal with this sort of thing?

[Mumble]

or that I was lying about being a PhD student (how could I be, and be *that* stupid?)

I totally understand this. I'm also a PhD student but I struggle with 'basics' and the assumptions people make are what are hurtful - either that you can't possibly be doing a PhD if you find such basic things difficult and something must have gone wrong for you to get on that course (this I find hardest because I constantly question whether I should be/how the heck I am here every day) or that you can't be autistic as you are obviously intelligent if you're doing a PhD

 

I don't have much advice but I suppose what I've found to help is just constantly 'drip-feeding' the necessary messages with the people that matter. Some people are never going to 'get it' possibly because they do not want to. As for people like the ticket salesman, I tell myself that I will most probably not meet that person before, he may well have just dealt with some difficult customers, all sorts could be going on with him and it's not either his fault or my/your fault that they don't understand but that you can't change the world within that short interaction.

 

One thing hat has helped (but also in some ways hindered so you have to be a bit careful) with university staff is having a autism specialist Assessment of Need report done for DSA. My report still upsets me when I read it, but it does highlight the 'basic' difficulties I can have despite being on a PhD course (for instance daily travel, being away from home etc). If you haven't had one done you would be entitled to it so might be worth asking your disability office.

 

Oh and student rail-cards - the name changed recently to 16-25 cards but not the rules which means mature students can have it even without being 16-25. You just have to have your form signed and stamped by your department to say you are a full time registered student.

 

[christo]

I totally understand this. I'm also a PhD student but I struggle with 'basics' and the assumptions people make are what are hurtful - either that you can't possibly be doing a PhD if you find such basic things difficult and something must have gone wrong for you to get on that course (this I find hardest because I constantly question whether I should be/how the heck I am here every day) or that you can't be autistic as you are obviously intelligent if you're doing a PhD

 

I don't have much advice but I suppose what I've found to help is just constantly 'drip-feeding' the necessary messages with the people that matter. Some people are never going to 'get it' possibly because they do not want to. As for people like the ticket salesman, I tell myself that I will most probably not meet that person before, he may well have just dealt with some difficult customers, all sorts could be going on with him and it's not either his fault or my/your fault that they don't understand but that you can't change the world within that short interaction.

 

One thing hat has helped (but also in some ways hindered so you have to be a bit careful) with university staff is having a autism specialist Assessment of Need report done for DSA. My report still upsets me when I read it, but it does highlight the 'basic' difficulties I can have despite being on a PhD course (for instance daily travel, being away from home etc). If you haven't had one done you would be entitled to it so might be worth asking your disability office.

 

Oh and student rail-cards - the name changed recently to 16-25 cards but not the rules which means mature students can have it even without being 16-25. You just have to have your form signed and stamped by your department to say you are a full time registered student.

As PHd students you are both clearly clever people, my own daughter is kind of 'average' but struggles with dyslexia etc. Our issues are around what to explain and whom to explain to. As for the ticket office guy, you don't have to be an aspie to run into those types, there is always someone having a'bad day' or just being a 'jobsworth' ready to take it out on someone