Self harm in ASD teenagers

[joybed]

Hi you probably remember Marcus had a lot of problems at school a little while ago and this led to him self harming and having increasing panic attacks. This all improved after a long discussion with school, they disaplied him from some difficult lessons, moved his tutor group, arranged a taxi to take him to school and allowed him to leave 15 minutes earlier to avoid the crowds, made PE easier for him and a whole host of other adaptations. He became calmer and was no longer panicking for hours into the night. This was helped by a very understanding consultant who prescribed melatonin to help him sleep.

However over the past few weeks he has been becoming increasingly more anxious again and having major meltdowns over the slightest thing. When you ask him what the problem is he says he can,t stand living at home with us and would prefer to live with his Nanna (I have posted before that my mother interferes when we disapline M and he has been increasingly playing my Mum and DH against one another). I have explained to him that this will not be happening that he is our son and we make up the rules not his Nanna, as she was saying things like my Nanna says you can,t do that and she will take me to live with her if you don,t stop it.

I have just recieved a call from school to say they have caught M pulling out his hair and eating it, his hair is long and there is apparently a large bald patch at the back. I have also noticed he is back to biting his hand the old scar is again opened up. How can i stop him hurting himself I am going to get astress ball but anything else. He has always eaten inedible objects and used to eat the cuffs of his jumpers he has stopped this but he is now just ripping holes in them or stretching them to capacity. He has no decent clothes and I don,t feel inclined to buy any as they are destroyed on the first wearing. My mums atidtude is I get DLA so shouldn,t mind buying a complete new wardrobe every week (she doesn,t think we should claim and called me a dispicable person and a sponger as he is my child).

I know there is a lot going on in his life, DS2 recently diagnosed ASD, DD1 having difficulties coping with her brothers and becoming a diva, just chose his GCSE options but i again treading on eggshells. School are being really helpful at last and have rearranged all the tutor groups next year so M is seperated from some boys who make his life a misery, they have also bent over backwards to accomodate his options.

His relationship with his stepfather is again at breaking point and he has just confessed to breaking some of Piers and Lydia,s toys infront of them and then blaimed them which they got into trouble for. i now have to go and replace these toys. I no longer allow him to be alone with his younger siblings as he is nasty towards them I feel like i am constantly separating them and keeping Lydia safe from her brothers. Thanks for reading I don,t expect anyone to come up with a magic wand.

[frogslegs]

I think you need some of that! <'> <'> <'>

[szxmum]

Phew - <'> <'> ><

 

Choosing GCSE options seems to be a really tough time at secondary school these days. It's brilliant that the school are supporting Marcus He may just be picking up on the heightened anxiety that is all around him. My NT dd(14) had a major meltdown over choosing her options - it was just the stress, comments from the teachers such as "These choices will affect the rest of your life" didn't help matters. It won't help that the kids are probably becoming "demob happy" as they are getting towards the end of term.

 

Parents eh!! maybe you need to have a quiet word with your Mum and explain that you need her to back you because at the moment you don't need conflict or to be undermined. If she cannot or will not back you, maybe you need to withdraw a little - just until you feel able to deal with her.

 

My mother was also apalled when I claimed DLA for my ds. She has accused me of labelling him as disabled - well it wasn't exactly my ideal course of action but I felt I had run out of options and as it turns out, it has been the best decision I've made in a long time . However, with my mum it is snobbery and ignorance. I have just today made the decision not to look to her for support until I'm strong enough to cope with her worries and inability to cope.

 

Anyway, just to let you know you are not on your own. Thinking of you <'>

 

 

 

 

[Sally44]

I also wanted to bring up the subject of 'choices'. My son gets really panicky if he has to choose between 2 things, and it seems from your post that there is alot of stuff going on both at school and in the family structure/routines/discipline etc that involves having to make choices or is different from one environment to another and he may see them as choices as well.

I'm sorry your mum is making things difficult. You really need consistency. Has she ever said anything to him about living with her and not you? May son also finds answers to arguments are very black and white, and usually something he has seen on TV eg. if I upset him because I have disciplined him about something he might say that he is leaving home and would attempt to pack a bag and leave. That is what he has seen on TV and that is what he thinks he should do.

Regarding the other stuff, ie. chewing clothes etc. As well as the choices thing, that could be down to sensory overload. Have you ever tried him with sunglasses, ear defenders/ear plugs and something like you mentioned (stress ball) to hold onto. Try him at home.

Out of interest what were the toys he broke. Were they ones that made any kind of noise?

Apart from that, if any help at all, just being consistent.

But it sounds like you are going through the mill at the moment. It would be nice if we could have a strop and storm off for a bit would it.

[joybed]

My Mum has suggested numerous times in front of Marcus that he would be better of living with her and not us. She even said once that because Piers was so difficult as well that i was obviously finding it difficult to cope and she would "happily take marcus off our hands". this was all within earshot of the children. The last time I disciplined Marcus he said you can,t stop me from seeing my Nanna and i said i don,t want to. to which he replied if you tried she would come and get me and you would have no choice because she is in control as she is your mum. I tried to explain that i was an adult and therefore now responsible for my own choices and also the way i brought up my children had nothing to do with my mum, he couldn,t get it, incidentally my mum denied any of this had been said but how would Marcus make that up. She has also in the past called family meetings to discuss the way we treat the children and has threatened to report DH to social services all because he shouted at Marcus. Last night she said i was evil as i was drugging my child to get him to sleep (he takes melatonin) I explained that without it he only gets 3 hours sleep and is like a zombie but she said he sleeps fine at her house and it is obvious he is unhappy here and that is why he doesn,t sleep, she attempts to undermine my confidence all the time.

Marcus has also made comments such as I don,t belong living in our village I am from the other side of the bridge this area is rough and the other side is full of the best people (it is very much the other way around). All this has been discussed with CAMHS who have said they see no way forward as my mother is openly manipulating Marcus and they see the only way as to give my mum custody. There is no way this can happen as she would not do the best for him in the long run, nobody can get all their own way and be a nice person. We have considered breaking all ties with my family as they all interfere constantly and just make me feel bad about myself but we are concerned about the effect this will have on Marcus as he can see no wrong in his Nanna only us and given a choice i know he would choose her as life is easier for him there. He is with us this weekend as my mum is in Maguluf on a hen do and he had a meltdown over it, can,t possibly stay in this house a whole weekend too much for him. i am losing my son and know he will go to live with her one day. the trouble is I can see a day when she will lose interest in him and then he will be alone (well he will have me). I dream of running away so she cant interfere.

The toy he broke was a toy vacuum cleaner (dyson) so a little noisy i suppose but he had one as a child and loved it which was why we got one for Piers he just said he lost control, my worry is that one day he will lose control and it will be a person that gets it and then he will be in trouble. Yesterday i tried to reason with him and gave him the scenario that he had had a meltdown, Piers had bitten Lydia and was having a meltdown and Lydia was upset, I reasoned this would make me stressed but it didn,t give me the right to go out and smash up someones car and if I did the police would punish me and not care how stressed I was, he id appear to take this on board but he will forget very quickly. Sorry for the long moan .