Son's behaviour worsening

[bettyhen]

My son is only mildly Aspie but seems to have got much worse over the summer. We veer between periods where he sounds intelligent and pleasant and much older than 5 and those where he is screaming, hitting and acting literally like a two year old. He carries a baby toy nearly everywhere with him, this makes him suck his thumb more which makes his speech less distinct. I keep making him do exercises with his tongue to help with this. The unpleasant episodes are increasing.

 

He has one friend who came to play today and I caught him hitting him out of frustration really hard on the head. I can't get him to understand that he'll have no friends at all if he hits them and gets too angry. We have discussed leaving the room when he's angry but he gets too cross to be able to remember!

 

Yesterday we went to the village hall to play and he refused to play with a boy he often plays with because he couldn't cope. He just kept asking to go home and sitting on my knee. We stayed for an hour for his sister and then came home.

 

He is also flapping a lot more - perhaps because we've just got a puppy and he's thrilled to bits about this.

 

I am feeling really upset about this as I think he is going to be really lonely and feel like an outsider because he can't cope well with others. He does want to have friends and be liked and is upset at school when people don't want to play with him.

 

I don't know if there is anything practical I can do to help him.

[Sally44]

Firstly I wouldn't worry about carrying a toy. My son is 8 and still takes something with him everywhere. His school also allow him to take something with him every day, usually two items so that he can share it and play with someone. They also use the toys/items he takes with him in the Social Skills Group, where the other children might ask him about his toy etc. He also likes to collect things. By that I mean any small piece of nothing in particular that catches his eye that is on the ground. It might be shiny, and usual shape or colour etc and it goes into his treasure box.

Your son is only 5, and as part of his diagnosis he will have difficulties with speech, social interaction and communication. He may get upset at social/play times because he wants to 're-enact' something he has already seen, or he may have a precise way he wants to play to go. My son used to try to 'direct' his friends by telling them what to say and what to do. Now he is older he is more flexible. But having said that he can be very rigid in his way of thinking.

Rather than spontaneous play groups, he might do better at structured play where he goes somewhere to do something and he knows what he will be doing. Again he is a bit young for things like cubs etc. But that type of structured environment might work better.

But he will need school and a Speech Therapist (they are the professionals that work with social interaction as well as speech) to work on his skills in school, especially as he wants to play and interact, but doesnt know how to do it.

If he is getting very upset then he probably needs some time out to calm down. I used to use sunglasses and DIY ear defenders for my son and it seemed to work. He has since been screened for Irlen Syndrome (Visual perceptual problems) and wears Irlen lenses.

So it will get better. When he is really upset and having a meltdown there is nothing that you can say or do at that moment other than try to remove them to a quieter place. I too have talked to my son about going somewhere to calm down, but he is unable to predict when he needs to do that, and when it is all unravelling he is unable to do anything about it. But, TBH, if he could then he probably wouldn't have got a diagnosis, because that is part of their difficulties isn't it.

Also, afterwards when he is calm talk to him about what upset him. My son has given me some really good insights into what actually caused him to become upset and sometimes it is nothing along the lines of what we are thinking is the problem.

Regarding sounding pleasant, intelligent and much older. That is because they learn by copying things, language included. So although he is using very sophisticated words and may sound older and wiser than his years. He may not have the understanding or maturity to match his words.

[bluefish]

Firstly I wouldn't worry about carrying a toy. My son is 8 and still takes something with him everywhere. His school also allow him to take something with him every day, usually two items so that he can share it and play with someone. They also use the toys/items he takes with him in the Social Skills Group, where the other children might ask him about his toy etc. He also likes to collect things. By that I mean any small piece of nothing in particular that catches his eye that is on the ground. It might be shiny, and usual shape or colour etc and it goes into his treasure box.

Your son is only 5, and as part of his diagnosis he will have difficulties with speech, social interaction and communication. He may get upset at social/play times because he wants to 're-enact' something he has already seen, or he may have a precise way he wants to play to go. My son used to try to 'direct' his friends by telling them what to say and what to do. Now he is older he is more flexible. But having said that he can be very rigid in his way of thinking.

Rather than spontaneous play groups, he might do better at structured play where he goes somewhere to do something and he knows what he will be doing. Again he is a bit young for things like cubs etc. But that type of structured environment might work better.

But he will need school and a Speech Therapist (they are the professionals that work with social interaction as well as speech) to work on his skills in school, especially as he wants to play and interact, but doesnt know how to do it.

If he is getting very upset then he probably needs some time out to calm down. I used to use sunglasses and DIY ear defenders for my son and it seemed to work. He has since been screened for Irlen Syndrome (Visual perceptual problems) and wears Irlen lenses.

So it will get better. When he is really upset and having a meltdown there is nothing that you can say or do at that moment other than try to remove them to a quieter place. I too have talked to my son about going somewhere to calm down, but he is unable to predict when he needs to do that, and when it is all unravelling he is unable to do anything about it. But, TBH, if he could then he probably wouldn't have got a diagnosis, because that is part of their difficulties isn't it.

Also, afterwards when he is calm talk to him about what upset him. My son has given me some really good insights into what actually caused him to become upset and sometimes it is nothing along the lines of what we are thinking is the problem.

Regarding sounding pleasant, intelligent and much older. That is because they learn by copying things, language included. So although he is using very sophisticated words and may sound older and wiser than his years. He may not have the understanding or maturity to match his words.

 

[bettyhen]

Thanks so much for your reply. School are quite inflexible but since his dx I have asked for an IEP which may help in terms of him getting a place to go to to calm down while at school. They are not allowed toys though they would probably let him bring his baby toy with him. However, when he has him he sucks his thumb and turns inward even when he's with us. I think another sort of toy would help him though, eg, Captain Scarlet, so I will ask. We had 6 weeks of hitting staff and pupils when he started reception and I suspect he may react similarly this year through at least now he'll know half the children in his class (mixed R/Y1) and he knows the teacher and the TA.

 

With regard to getting a speech therapist, nothing has been mentioned. All we have had is the diagnosis. I will be seeing the psychiatrist again in October though. I didn't realise they helped with issues other that speech problems - that's really interesting.

 

I have been in touch with Barnardos who are doing a scheme where they support ASD children to join a club if they have no other support in place. There is a waiting list but I suspect you are right and F needs a structure. He says he is interested in karate and they said their best results have been with martial arts because of the structure.

 

Thanks once again. It is so useful to have the perspective of someone who understands the complexities of dealing with a child with ASD - several of my friends refuse to believe it and I think consider me to be overly worried! The psych said that we'd done really well with setting up strategies to help F so perhaps we've done too well!