Re: Please help

[Tantaz]

Does anyone have any tips about how to get your child to school, mine is point blank refusing to go, still in his pyjamas and I'm at my wits end. I have to work to pay the mortgage as I'm a single parent but he just won't budge. I have taken his very 'special' DVD's and tele remotes away and absolutely nothing is persuading him to go. His counsellor recommends that while he's that distressed it's best to keep him at home but I believe children should attend school?

 

If anyone has any suggestions I would be truly grateful

 

Tania

Mum to DS 12 yrs

[Mandapanda]

Does anyone have any tips about how to get your child to school, mine is point blank refusing to go, still in his pyjamas and I'm at my wits end. I have to work to pay the mortgage as I'm a single parent but he just won't budge. I have taken his very 'special' DVD's and tele remotes away and absolutely nothing is persuading him to go. His counsellor recommends that while he's that distressed it's best to keep him at home but I believe children should attend school?

 

If anyone has any suggestions I would be truly grateful

 

Tania

Mum to DS 12 yrs

 

Hi Tantaz

 

I've been there and got several of the T-shirts. I'm afraid my son has not been to school since May 2008. This may sound terrible, but he is a bright lad, but a very severely anxious child who has suffered from depression so bad he wanted to kill himself at one time.

 

We tried everything but there really was no getting him to go, even to the pupil support room for half an hour to sit with a friend and do his favourite science.

 

At the end of the day, his mental health is more important than his education which he can pick up whenever he is ready to. Accepting that he is not well enough to go to school does not mean I gave up.

 

How long has this been going on for you? How much school has he missed? I wish our school had intervened as soon as my son starting missing odd days. I believe that if he could have gone to pupil support to do work for a while, it would have removed the pressure of going into a class full of children every day, sometimes with teachers that he didn't like or felt didn't like him, and it would have allowed them to see how he worked in a calm, quiet atmosphere. He was told he could go to pupil support 'if he needed to' but that would have meant standing up and walking out of class and everyone looking at him. This may have upset him and made him cry. He hates attention and he hates showing emotions. So he would just sit there trying to fit in and getting more and more miserable. At some point they decided he needed testing for dyslexia but this was never done and I didn't know about it until he had not attended school for a year.

 

Everybody kept asking me if he was being bullied. I believe he was not being bullied but was being niggled at by comments (eg. nicknaming him squirrel), the art teacher saying his work wasn't good enough, he just generally did not cope well with being in a large secondary school with so many opportunities to be embarrassed, laughed at, humiliated and criticised. He has eating difficulties and did not like eating in front of other children. He had to wear a proper shirt and couldn't bear it on his neck.

 

Also we had 4 bereavements in 5 years which on such a sensitive and anxious child had quite an impact, although we didn't realise what was happening at the time. He didn't vocalise stuff so we thought he was as OK as could be expected under the circumstances.

 

I hope you can get help and support to enable your son to attend school properly. However if he is unable to attend, it is not the end of the world. Now my son's mood is better, he reads, watches documentaries, looks interesting stuff up on the computer. A friend lent us some books she used for home educating her daughter, and I am working on encouraging him to look at these with me. The whole family did one of the tests in the back, it was good fun. We've had to explain to him that education is not just sitting in school writing down what the teacher says or writes on the board. Education is learning and this can happen in many ways.

 

Good luck. <'>

 

 

 

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I'm not for a second suggesting that your son is that same as mine, but my son went through a spell of refusing to budge. I came down on him quite hard by telling him that I have to work to get paid, buy toys, food, clothes, etc and that it is the law that he has to go to school - I have my work, he has his. Thankfully, after a week it did the trick. I must sound incredibly hard, but I had a suspicion that R simply wanted to stay at home and play with his toys (he's nearly 8). However, it's a very different story when it starts to affect their mental health as a result of bullying, just not feeling like they fit in, lack of support/understanding at school, etc. I agree completely with what Mandapanda says - watching documentaries, educational computer games, etc. Is it possible you could arrange for work to be sent home?

 

Hope things get better for you both soon.

 

Caroline.

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

I'm not for a second suggesting that your son is that same as mine, but my son went through a spell of refusing to budge. I came down on him quite hard by telling him that I have to work to get paid, buy toys, food, clothes, etc and that it is the law that he has to go to school - I have my work, he has his. Thankfully, after a week it did the trick. I must sound incredibly hard, but I had a suspicion that R simply wanted to stay at home and play with his toys (he's nearly 8). However, it's a very different story when it starts to affect their mental health as a result of bullying, just not feeling like they fit in, lack of support/understanding at school, etc. I agree completely with what Mandapanda says - watching documentaries, educational computer games, etc. Is it possible you could arrange for work to be sent home?

 

Hope things get better for you both soon.

 

Caroline.

 

My eldest son, even when he found school quite hard, never really wanted to stay off as he knew it was the law. Even now if he is too ill to go I have to persuade him to stay off !

 

Unfortunately this did not work with my youngest son. I would agree with trying what cmuir suggests, as we did. But it didn't work with Aw and I know there are other children who do not respond to this.

 

It is now becoming apparent that my son's anxieties can only be overcome when a stronger anxiety overrides them - eg. anxiety about not going to school and not learning like other children may eventually override the anxiety about going to school IYSWIM!! I say this because his anxiety about sleeping on his own was eventually overridden by the anxiety about his friends finding out his mum slept in his room - he was then able to steel himself to overcome his difficulty.

 

 

[Karen A]

Does anyone have any tips about how to get your child to school, mine is point blank refusing to go, still in his pyjamas and I'm at my wits end. I have to work to pay the mortgage as I'm a single parent but he just won't budge. I have taken his very 'special' DVD's and tele remotes away and absolutely nothing is persuading him to go. His counsellor recommends that while he's that distressed it's best to keep him at home but I believe children should attend school?

 

If anyone has any suggestions I would be truly grateful

 

Tania

Mum to DS 12 yrs

 

Hi <'> <'>

I have been in the same situation and know how frustrating it is.Fortunately I do not work so do not have as much pressure in this situation.I decided on a calm but determined approach.Ben would go to school even though sometimes it took four hours to get him there.

I do not agree with the counsellor and CAMHS agree with me. Giving in in this situation gives a clear message that staying home is an option when things are difficult so next time there is good reason to do the same thing again.

I think a lot depends on how your son is actually coping.My elder [NT] son was off school for several months with anxiety and panick attacks.My approach to dealing with J was rather more gentle than with Ben.Ben would refuse to go to school because he was finding it difficult but was nowhere near as anxious as J.

So a lot depends on whether you think your son is genuinely anxious about school or whether he is having a difficult morning and attempting to see whether he can avoid school by refusing to get ready.

Have you had any indications that there are any problems with school like bullying or finding work difficult ?

Was your son ok after school on Friday ?

Karen.

[caci]

We are in the same sitaution here, our 11 yr old son is refusing to go to school and this is a special school. He managed (just) with mainstream primary, but the thought of a busy mainstream secondary was just too much. Academically he would cope, but not socially (he has PDDNOS)

 

His school are really trying to help and have put in place a timetable where he is only asked to attend for the first 2 lessons and I pick him up at playtime.(11.00am). We have been doing this since he started in September, some days we are there at 9.00am and others it is 10.45, but the deal is he has to go to school to be allowed to use his laptop at home.

 

Unfortunately, this very reduced timetable has meant I have had to give up my job, but his health must come first. His levels of anxiety are so high he just freezes and it takes hours to get him to make any form of contact at all.

 

On a more helpful note, I found out that I could claim DLA, carers allowance, and increased Tax credits, so financially it is not too disasterous.

[Karen A]

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=21117

 

caci and Tantaz I remembered this previous thread which might be useful.I posted a link on it to information regarding what should be provided by the LA and schools for children who are unable to access education due to medical needs including mental health needs.

However it is worth bearing in mind that if a child is off school and you regard it as being due to anxiety then it is important to have the abscence authorised and documented by the GP.Abscence that is condoned by parents and is not recognised as being authorised may create diffficulties with EWO.Abscence also needs to be documented by a GP before alternative provision for medical needs can be put in place.

Karen.

[caci]

Karen - thankyou for posting the link.

 

I am assuming that as the school are suggesting the reduced timetable, then this is all OK ?

 

We have already overcome some of the first stages in getting an educational setting that caters for M's needs. I fought long and hard to get a CAMHS referral for our son, a diagnosis and eventually a statement. His mainstream primary school did not really support me but it is possible to request an statutory assessment as a parent. I had lots of help and support from parentpartnership in doing this.

 

He now has a place in a special secondary school, who are really trying to make him feel welcome and less anxious, and we seem to be making a little progress. He has managed 6 X 2 hr sessions over a 3 weeks period, but only once has he been in school on consecutive days.

 

I have been looking at Home education, but want to try the special school for at least a year. My criteria is that if our son is not distressed by going to school, then that is a step in the right direction. Hopefully, by year 11,(he has just started in yr 7), he will feel able to join his peers on a day release vocational course at the local college. This is set up and supported by the school. The pupils are supported to use public transport etc and it all sounds fantastic, but time will tell if this is right for M.

 

Tantaz -have you got any help or support from your son's school ? If not, try to find your local parentpartnershiop and ask them to help you. My son's mainstream primary were very keen for me to keep him home whenever things were difficult. Infact by yr6 he was only going in for the mornings and no one from the school even contacted me (let alone EWO). His special secondary school are very different and are proactive, which makes life so much easier.

 

 

[Tantaz]

Hi

 

I'm not for a second suggesting that your son is that same as mine, but my son went through a spell of refusing to budge. I came down on him quite hard by telling him that I have to work to get paid, buy toys, food, clothes, etc and that it is the law that he has to go to school - I have my work, he has his. Thankfully, after a week it did the trick. I must sound incredibly hard, but I had a suspicion that R simply wanted to stay at home and play with his toys (he's nearly 8). However, it's a very different story when it starts to affect their mental health as a result of bullying, just not feeling like they fit in, lack of support/understanding at school, etc. I agree completely with what Mandapanda says - watching documentaries, educational computer games, etc. Is it possible you could arrange for work to be sent home?

 

Hope things get better for you both soon.

 

Caroline.

 

I have told my son that I need to work to pay the bills, mortgage etc, and I am extremley worried that if he won't cope at school I will have to give up work. I am already getting DLA, but the money issue is a big worry for me, although this never compares to the health and welbeing of my son. There have been ongoin issues since he started going back to school e.g. bullying, etc. He said today that the reason he didn't want to go was because it was cooking so this afternoon, I have sat with him and asked him to write me a list of all the things at school that upsets him, he has done this and surprisingly it is generally ASD issues that he is picking up e.g. room too noisy, room too big, not enough help - hopefully he will go tomorrow - thanks for your help

 

Tania x

[Karen A]

Karen - thankyou for posting the link.

 

I am assuming that as the school are suggesting the reduced timetable, then this is all OK ?

 

We have already overcome some of the first stages in getting an educational setting that caters for M's needs. I fought long and hard to get a CAMHS referral for our son, a diagnosis and eventually a statement. His mainstream primary school did not really support me but it is possible to request an statutory assessment as a parent. I had lots of help and support from parentpartnership in doing this.

 

He now has a place in a special secondary school, who are really trying to make him feel welcome and less anxious, and we seem to be making a little progress. He has managed 6 X 2 hr sessions over a 3 weeks period, but only once has he been in school on consecutive days.

 

I have been looking at Home education, but want to try the special school for at least a year. My criteria is that if our son is not distressed by going to school, then that is a step in the right direction. Hopefully, by year 11,(he has just started in yr 7), he will feel able to join his peers on a day release vocational course at the local college. This is set up and supported by the school. The pupils are supported to use public transport etc and it all sounds fantastic, but time will tell if this is right for M.

 

Tantaz -have you got any help or support from your son's school ? If not, try to find your local parentpartnershiop and ask them to help you. My son's mainstream primary were very keen for me to keep him home whenever things were difficult. Infact by yr6 he was only going in for the mornings and no one from the school even contacted me (let alone EWO). His special secondary school are very different and are proactive, which makes life so much easier.

 

Hi.If the secondary school are in agreement and working with you then I would not think there would be a problem with EWO.

This is especially the case if part time is seen as being within a plan and is agreed with yourself.

If you feel in future that progress has stopped then there might well be the option of looking into alternative provision as in the link.However this is really seen as a short term measure.Often it consists of reduced hours anyway so you might well consider that if you are happy the current option is the best.

My elder son [NT] was off for much of his last half-term of year 6.In the end we never pushed for alternative provision because we thought another change at that stage would be pointless.Incidently J took a while to settle at secondary school and we were very worried.Two years on and you would not believe it he is very happy.

Karen.