Would you tell your boss?

[BuntyB]

My daughter has very similar problems to those I had growing up, although I think I kept mine more hidden. When she was diagnosed with AS and I read up about it, it made a lot of sense of my life. I think certain difficulties I can override in public now, although it can be quite stressful at times.

 

I mentioned this to my GP and he said he caouldn't see any point in getting a diagnosis now and in some ways I tend to agree- what difference would it make? But he said if it helps me to understand myself, to use this label.

 

A couple of times at work I have misunderstood what people have said, or I have said something that has been with hindsight inappropriate. It kind of makes me look silly, ignorant, or both! I recently had to apologise to my manager when he brought up what I'd said which was really embarrassing!

 

I have wondered whether to explain to my boss that it's probably the AS side of me, but then again, certain aspects of my job rely on me being able to do things that are really scary, such as speaking during meetings. So far I haven't had to do much of this sort of thing, but I am worried a disclosure would show up that I'm maybe not capable of doing my job, and perhaps I should have disclosed when I applied (although of course I don't have a diagnosis). What would you do?

[Tally]

Personally I chose not to tell my employer about my Asperger's before I got my formal diagnosis, as I felt they would not take it seriously. I have changed jobs since then and have not told my new boss about my diagnosis at all, although I'm actually planning to tell him tomorrow and am a bit nervous about it!

 

Speaking up in meetings is not something that Asperger's by itself would make difficult. However, if you have made social mistakes in the past, it would be fairly common to develop some anxiety over this type of thing. The good news is that anxiety is something you can work on to overcome. A person without Asperger's could well have this type of difficulty too.

 

If your boss is supportive, then maybe you can pick individual issues (like the speaking up in meetings) to discuss with him and see whether and how he may be able to support you with them.

 

You say you've had a couple of misunderstandings - well most people would have some misunderstandings. Someone with Asperger's would probably have more, but if you've only had a few then that is not enough to suggest you cannot cope with your job. Perhaps if you do have some anxiety, then you are more sensitive to criticisms than you need to be, and this recent incident may be seen as a one-off rather than an ongoing problem with your ability to do the job. If it does happen more often then maybe you need to try and find a way to deal with them. Speaking with your boss is one way you might be able to identify a theme to the misunderstandings and how to deal with them, but you might be able to get similar support from other sources such as people you know in your private life.

[BuntyB]

Hi Tally,

Well he's fairly new to me as a manager, but when I've had laid back managers who don't pay too close attention to what I do I've been fine! However, I can write ok because I have time to think, but when I have to speak sometimes all reason goes out the window and I don't know what to say!

 

I am somtimes seen to be at fault for something but instead of explaining myself, I just sit there wanting to cry and say nothing, even if someone else is the culprit, I just take it and hate myself for being so pathetic afterwards!

 

I'm not sure that he would be understanding. I'm beginning to think I'd be better saying nothing and looking for a less stressful job. Best of luck with speaking to yours. Let me know how you go on!

[Tally]

I know exactly what you mean about sitting quiet and accepting the blame. I do exactly the same. Justifying myself often feels like passing the blame onto someone else, and even if that is justified I don't usually feel able to do it.

 

Maybe your current manager would not be supportive. It does sound like your difficulties are connected to his management style, rather than an inability to do the job, if you have been fine under different managers. Is it likely he could move on at some point and you could get a new manager?

[BuntyB]

Is it likely he could move on at some point and you could get a new manager?

I doubt it.... but then stranger things have happened lol

Edited August 15, 2010 by Shona

[Sammysnake]

I am somtimes seen to be at fault for something but instead of explaining myself, I just sit there wanting to cry and say nothing, even if someone else is the culprit, I just take it and hate myself for being so pathetic afterwards!

 

Hi Shona

 

I'm NT and really quite good with people but this describes me entirely too in a pressured situation such as someone talking face to face with me about something negative I wasn't prepared for. I can never think of the right thing to say immediately, don't want to speak because I know I'll cry and just want to run away from any sort of disagreement. However, just because you haven't stood up for yourself at the time there's no reason you can't take time to think about what you want to say and then go back to your manager later asking to have a quiet word. That's what I do. I feel much more in control when I've had time to think and I feel better about myself knowing I've had a chance to represent myself as I want to.

 

Hope this helps, Sam

[macgumerait]

My daughter has very similar problems to those I had growing up, although I think I kept mine more hidden. When she was diagnosed with AS and I read up about it, it made a lot of sense of my life. I think certain difficulties I can override in public now, although it can be quite stressful at times.

 

I mentioned this to my GP and he said he caouldn't see any point in getting a diagnosis now and in some ways I tend to agree- what difference would it make? But he said if it helps me to understand myself, to use this label.

 

A couple of times at work I have misunderstood what people have said, or I have said something that has been with hindsight inappropriate. It kind of makes me look silly, ignorant, or both! I recently had to apologise to my manager when he brought up what I'd said which was really embarrassing!

 

I have wondered whether to explain to my boss that it's probably the AS side of me, but then again, certain aspects of my job rely on me being able to do things that are really scary, such as speaking during meetings. So far I haven't had to do much of this sort of thing, but I am worried a disclosure would show up that I'm maybe not capable of doing my job, and perhaps I should have disclosed when I applied (although of course I don't have a diagnosis). What would you do?

 

Had you been diagnosed prior to employment? Did you disclose your condition during your interview, etc? As long as there is a note of your condition (even with equal opps paperwork), then they could not discriminate you by condition. Do you have regular appraisals? What do they say?

 

In my situation, my employer is aware of my condition, although I dont brag or use it at every opportunity to disguise mistakes i make. I actually found the disclosure useful, as it opened doors to assisting in disability staff groups. Disclosing can have its benefits.

[macgumerait]

My daughter has very similar problems to those I had growing up, although I think I kept mine more hidden. When she was diagnosed with AS and I read up about it, it made a lot of sense of my life. I think certain difficulties I can override in public now, although it can be quite stressful at times.

 

I mentioned this to my GP and he said he caouldn't see any point in getting a diagnosis now and in some ways I tend to agree- what difference would it make? But he said if it helps me to understand myself, to use this label.

 

A couple of times at work I have misunderstood what people have said, or I have said something that has been with hindsight inappropriate. It kind of makes me look silly, ignorant, or both! I recently had to apologise to my manager when he brought up what I'd said which was really embarrassing!

 

I have wondered whether to explain to my boss that it's probably the AS side of me, but then again, certain aspects of my job rely on me being able to do things that are really scary, such as speaking during meetings. So far I haven't had to do much of this sort of thing, but I am worried a disclosure would show up that I'm maybe not capable of doing my job, and perhaps I should have disclosed when I applied (although of course I don't have a diagnosis). What would you do?

 

I would disclose.

 

They cannot discriminate against you, using a condition which is recognised.

 

In my case, disclosing actually was a good thing. Not only are we now in a culture where having a conditon or illness is treated with dignity, but there is more understanding. My condition granted me access to help assist in disability focus groups, to better improve facilities for both staff and visitors. It helped me feel a bigger part of something than I normally do.