Feeling angry

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

Will(12) has suspected AS - we are waiting for an assessment with autism assoc (we are in France) - He has been totally stressing this week with back to school. He went back Tuesday, and was almost hysterical Tuesday evening - hates it, hates his teachers, hates his class mates, has no friends, hates taking the bus, etc. Had lots tears and shouting weds morning to get him to go - I ignore all the bad language and 'I hate you's' - I have relented and let him come home for lunch, as he does hate the canteen - loud, smelly, disgusting food etc.

 

So I called the deputy head this morning - she said she'd spoken to him this morning - had to interrupt him as he was joking with some friends - he told her his timetable was fine and that he has no problems. So is it all just for my benefit? One psychologist had said before he has megalomaniac tendancies - Is he just taking me for a mug so he gets his own way? I guess we'll find out more once the assessment is done.

 

To cap it all, now his brother, (9, NT) has started copying him - he swore at me last night as I refused to buy him some brand name trainers. He adores his brother, and told me maybe he has caught AS off him. I do try to carry through sanctions - J will definitely have no computer for a few days now. Will has asked me to make duck stir fry for tea, just to give him a bit of happiness in his day. I am so annoyed, I think it'll be beans on toast, like it or lump it!!

 

My husband has had to go to UK for work, and won't be back for another week, and I think they are taking advantage.

 

Sorry, I just needed a rant.

Diane

[Suze]

My son used to behave similarly for me.He would be moody, sulky most mornings before school , then when I spoke to his key worker at school she would re assure me that he had been ok when he arrived at school .It used to confuse me too!!!...........so I used to ignore his moody behaviour , did,nt tolerate any bad language , and I let him get on with it.As long as he did,nt upset anyone else I let him get on with it.To me it was almost that he needed to huff and puff and get over himself and then he could get on with dealing with the day .He is alot better now and tends to be very hyper and excited most mornings ...which again can be a problem.My advice would be don,t let any of these behaviours enable him to have things his way .He may need support etc on occasion when he is anxious , but be firm .Also my son can go from happy as larry to down and miserable in the blink of an eye , his hi,s and lows can be quite extreme which I think can be attributed to ASD but not an excuse either IYSWIM, best wishes suzex

[baddad]

In a nutshell -

Yes, I think he probably is. And now your younger son is jumping on't bandwagon too.

 

The most worrying aspect of your post is this line:

I guess we'll find out more once the assessment is done

because it seems to carry with it the implication that if the assessment concludes he does have AS then AS is the reason for his behaviours; a dangerous (and almost certainly wrong) assumption.

There are two far more obvious reasons why he (and now your other son) are enacting these behaviours, and that's because they can, and because they are rewarded when they do! In the simplest terms, they bark and you throw 'em a biscuit. You're going to end up with two very fat puppies, and chances are if you stop rewarding the barking without puitting some real consequences in place they're gonna start biting next.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[Dijac]

Hi again,

 

Suze, was your son worse when hungry. It is another thing I am thinking about - he is so horrible when he gets up, but once he's eaten, he goes off to get dressed, and it's like a different boy comes back. He always has been bad when hungry, which is another reason I just ignore it in the mornings - but if he wants toast or something, he has to ask nicely before he gets any. And he never gets away with not going to school, which is what he wants.

 

James is home for lunch, and after realising he has no telly or computer, he started to rage again, but then I asked how many days should I punish him, and he seems to have had a think, and is very apologetic right now. We'll see if it lasts.

 

Diane

[Suze]

It never seemed to be when he was hungry....but usually when he was gearing himself up for school(which at the time he could,nt see the point of and also hated)If I,m honest I used to ignore him most of the time , if he was ranting I,d leave the room and shut the door, or I,d throw humour at him and joke about how much of a Kevin he was.Stick to your guns and don,t take any less in the way of behaviour than you would expect wether he has ASD or not .best of luck suzex

[sesley]

you are going to have to get tough and establish who is the boss of the house and thats you. All children push boundarys and manipulate,so you are going to need to wise up and use mummy overide. ASD might expalin some behaviours,but you are going to have to find away to get them to modify it.Don't give in to i want new trainers and make them go to school unless they catch the plague.Good Luck!

Edited September 9, 2011 by sesley

[Sally44]

I think that those on the spectrum can behave differently in different environments for many different reasons.

 

From reading your post I think you need to (a) be very consistent at home. Unacceptable language is not allowed. If he uses it he has to go to his bedroom, or lose a priviledge etc. Otherwise his sibling will feel his older brother is treated differently to him.

 

Now it maybe that he is taking advantage, and by being consistent you will get a better idea of whether that is the case, or whether he does have some real difficulty with some aspect relating to how the disorder affects him. Because it does affect them. For example my son can go from zero to errupting within seconds. But we try now not to get confrontational about it eg. if he is getting into that state we say straight away "you are getting very upset and you need to go to your room to calm down." He may initially protest, but he does eventually go and it is better for that to happen in a controlled way rather than getting into a downward spiral over what is usually quite trivial (from my perspective, but not from his).

 

Try to stay calm as much as you can. If my son does use inappropriate language I might say "you've just said you wished I was dead, now go to your room to calm down, if you don't you are going to get even more upset later that you said that to me." Which is what usually happens. He blurts something out and then is mortified at what he has done later.

 

And you need to ask him why he tells you that he hates school etc, but when the teacher asks him he says everything is fine? Again, he maybe manipulating you, or he could find it impossible to say how he feels to anyone in school. My own son does not like to be told off or critised in school and so he will just say what he thinks the teachers want to hear to get him through the day. He was telling me he was not happy and could not cope, but was appearing okay in school. Until he suddenly really deteriorated, began self harming, was referred to Clinical Psychology and CAHMS due to serious self harm behaviours and threats of suicide. During that time he only once had a total breakdown at school and demanded that they phone me to take him home because he could not take it anymore.

 

Yes, he could be playing you and you need to work that out. But you also need to be sure that he isn't trying to contain himself in school either. And you need to be consistent with him and fair with both your kids otherwise there will be jealousy and resentment from your other child. Plus you won't be doing your other child any favours by allowing inappropriate behaviour. Even if he struggles to behave, and you keep going through the same situation over and over and over again. You must always be firm that he is being inappropriate and he must always know that that is the case.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Sally44

[Mandapanda]

But you also need to be sure that he isn't trying to contain himself in school either.

 

This is what my son did until he simply could not cope any more. Strictness did not work, he would fight for his life not to go to school.

[tom'smom]

Hi Diane,

 

I know how you feel, my son (10) is the same with school, complains like mad about it, stresses and hates everything about it, refuses to get dressed or do homework etc, but tells teachers all is fine and he has no problems. I hate that! It makes me look like a paranoid parent when I have just written to the school saying how stressed out he is! He also screams that he hates me and I ruin everything several times a day, and throws or kicks things. When he's calmed down I speak to him about it, he apologises and can be very sweet until the next time I tell him something he doesn't like (i.e. time to switch off the computer) and then immediately does the same thing again. It can be very wearing and demoralising, people tell you to ignore it or they don't mean it they're just blowing off steam, but it still hurts and after a while you start believing it. I've tried applying logical consequences/punishments but it doesn't stop it happening the next time, he just can't seem to stop himself before the words have left his mouth or the object has left his hand. My younger son started copying a lot of Tom's behaviour but the consequent punishments do seem to work better with him so this has become less of a problem.

 

I don't have any easy answers I'm afraid, but one thing you said struck a chord, that his Dad has gone to the UK for a week. My husband works away from home and I have found Tom's behaviour worsens when Dad's late/staying away. As soon as Dad comes in, great excitement, then all is sweetness and light (until told it's bedtime). Recently we had a breakthrough. Tom told his psychologist that he is very scared of dying because he saw a bad train crash on Newsround. This didn't initially make sense as he only goes on a train about twice a year and he quite enjoys it. However my husband commutes by train. The psychologist thinks that Tom can't say it is Dad's train he's worried about, because that might make the bad thing happen (ie Dad's train to crash). Tom doesn't understand the probability of a train crashing is very small so he blows it out of proportion and whenever Dad is late, he thinks the train must have crashed and he's dead. So (sorry this is a bit longwinded) my point is that if your son is similarly 'wired' it may be that he is worried cos his Dad is away and doesn't know when he will come back, but doesn't want to say that, so the anxiety comes out in bad behaviour. The psych suggested letting Tom text his Dad when he's worried to see where he is. Can your son communicate with Dad when he's away? It might help.

 

I know how exhausting and frustrating all this can be so feel free to PM me any time. I may not be able to help but I'm always happy to listen!

Helen