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Ichigo Kurosaki

Chaotic mind

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I must be impossible to talk to. I’m sorry but I can never settle, my mind is constantly on the go. There is no rest only by drowning it out and escaping into my own world. If I have such strong emotions about a subject, I feel I must explain every other reason why I find something difficult.

 

I find starting topics so much easier than replying to existing ones. I am not sure why, but I think the more people have responded the more chaotic my thought processes become.

 

I am sorry if I am so inconvincible, coming on to this forum is the best way I thought I could process my thoughts and receive some useful advice. I am so stuck it is unbelievable.

 

I had to receive education from behind my bedroom door for so many reasons. One is the trauma that the P.E teacher that was the head of year caused me as well as the fact that it is so hard to concentrate otherwise. I have lost that education when my statement of special educational needs ended when I became 19. I need to be educated that same way. It was a great way of keeping my mind focused on the subject I was learning. I had passed quite a few of exams and got two diplomas.

 

I don’t know if anyone has any advice that could help me; I feel that my mind challenges every response I receive. It feels so hopeless.

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LancsLad   

Ichigo I have read all your posts and have got a feel for you more or less by now. I hope the following advice helps, try to go through it a few times.

 

I think you have a very creative mind but it strikes me that you have not got full control of it yet. I have a very similar mind which is always on the go. A large aspect of my life is working as a designer which is obviously in a creative industry. As a designer constantly thinking of idea is a very usefull trait to have but you have to be able to control things. I do this through having various stages through which my ideas work.

 

At the first stage i will literaly write or sketch anything that comes into my mind if I think it is original or has any merit whatsoever. I have a collection of hard back A4 sketchbooks which I use for this purpose. Virtually no one else ever sees what is inside these hardback books they are just for me. I takes about a month to fill one.

 

At the next level I have a digital journal for all my main projects into which I place notes and scans of sketches, computer ideas etc... again this is mainly for my own use, though I would show it to a client if they were interested.

 

The next stage is I run a professional project portfollio which is for the client. This is far more formal, well presented and carefully edited.

 

The point I am trying to get across is that for me the most important work and ideas are developed in a real free flow environment where anything goes and I am simply recording thoughts. Often this is about getting up and writting or sketching for half an hour in the middle of the night when something comes into my head. I then go through a filtering and editing process which tightens up these ideas. It is at this stage I look for patterns and emerging themes which are happening. I think having these two stages are really important for a number of reasons. Firstly I know my creative mind is somewhat chaotic and that is a really good thing, and I make no concious effort to try and control it rather I let it have lots of space to do its thing. It is important though that I try to rationalise my thoughts and to exert some control over them. At this second level well informed people can read my work and make some sense out of it some of the time, even then a lot of it comes across as very unconventional.

 

Ichigo please do not take this personally I am trying to help but a lot of your post hover between these two levels. If you are in the know and have experienced very similar things you can make some sense of what you are saying, but if we slightly miss the mark you tend to revert back to very free flowing type thoughts and say we don't understand you. You have a lot of really good things to say, You are very expressive and creative in your posts, you are a really interesting person just looking at your interests, but you need to exert some discipline and communicate your ideas better.

 

If I had some advice have a notebook by you at aqll times and learn to use it like I use my sketchbooks. For me this is a very liberating experience as it allows a lot of release and takes the pressure off me. When it comes to doing things such as the forum pick out the important themes which are in your notes and filter out a lot of the personal stuff to produce tighter communication. At this level I think you will find people who have similar interests and experiences will cope well.

 

The last stage is all about communicating with people who do not share your creative outlook and interests. Isuspect people will have for example come across your posts and will have been simply blasted away unable to make a connection. This might not bother you most of the time, I can understand that. But when you need to communicate ideas to these individuals you really need to take time to construct your ideas in a tight and understandable way.

 

Ichigo you need to take a step back and decide what is it you want out of life, I have had to do this. In the early part of my life I was not really aware of how much potential I had though there were clues there winning adult art competitions as a 10 year old being one example. When I was your age a lot of my talent was out of control and I have seen this in many creative young people who have passed through my hands. In so many ways this is a good thing, I love the energy which comes from raw talent, the emotion the passion everything about it. There comes a time where we start to get frustrated though. It is at this point where we start to feel isolated and that nobody seems to get us, some do but the majority do not. At this point in life we have a choise to either put some discipline into our lives or to remain an enegmatic creative. Some people like this second option, they just don't want the discipline rather they see themselves as a free spirit. I think you are starting to react this point in your life.

 

At a personal level I always wanted to make an impact on my world. Because of this I recognise I have to get important people on my side. The type of projects I am now involved in run into millions of pounds to implement, they are pretty large scale. A small community project for me would be something around the £100,000 mark. All my ideas start off as one line notes, names for concepts, simple sketches, they are all in my hardback sketch books. The point I am making they are no good there. I do a lot of my designing by finding a high point and simply sit for hours looking into a site with a sketchbook in front of me. Often i can in a few hours or a couple of days come up with very creative concepts this way. In some ways that is enough for me, I have had my personal kick out of the project brief. What I really don't like that much is then having to spend weeks and months getting that idea across to lots of other people so that they buy into it and my concepts become a reality. To do this requires enormous amounts of discipline but when things get developed in real life it is worth it.

 

I am not sure you will understand what I am saying in trying to draw parallels with my own life. To develop a disciplined mind takes time and real effort. At times I want to kick off against this I want to be doing new things all the time, but I have learn't in my 46 years that after a while there is no real sense of fullfilment in taking a completely free approach in life. It is great to a point but we then tend to think what next. Peopel like this are always looking for the next challenge I know I can be like this, but often the thing to do is not look outwards but to look inwards at ourselves and try and put some discipline and systems into our lives. In my experience the rewards are worth it.

 

Just a few thoughts.

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I’ll try holding off on the creative philosophical expression in this post, :unsure: . It isn't easy as I said; I don’t want to be mistranslated. I worry that, in writing like this am I getting misunderstood? My mind always feels like it could implode with all the information inside it. When I go through large thought processes, I always get a headache, :unsure: .

 

Writing on this forum has got to be one of the hardest things I have done for a while, apart from contacting my old primary school friend. It feels so strange; I don’t think I am used to it. It may take time to get more comfortable with it. Long threads with many different views are harder to construct my thoughts with; though I think that would be hard to change.

 

I don’t know how to control my mind. My mind controls me, :unsure: . It always has. I always try to search my mind and come up with a reason for why a particular subject would not work for me. I suppose I am trying to protect myself from pain, as to me, from school experience, it can get pretty bad, so bad that I had to come out of mainstream education altogether, I think I had an emotional breakdown, and revert to home tutoring from behind my bedroom door. I suppose I don’t wish to be pushed into another emotional breakdown.

 

Hmm, to gain that space, do I need to find the right medium to work it on? Where could I redirect this writing ability? Are you saying that I need to keep notes and copies of everything I write so that I can use them for a greater purpose? When I was writing to my old primary school friend, I start plotting my thoughts down, but then not long after, more thoughts come to the surface, and I add them. This continues until I have a jam packed response that people might find hard to reply to. I think that I have so many thoughts that if I don’t write it there and then, then I may not get another chance.

 

Hmm, yes, I do kind of revert to free flowing thoughts but that is only my way for trying to make sense of what is spoken and find an answer that, I may not have experienced the subject before, but through past experiences I try to deduce an answer that could suit most situations. I understand that this can make it harder to respond to me, but somehow, I want to make sure that the analogy I have is understood by those that I talk to. I do not mean to make it difficult, it is the opposite; I just want to explain my point of view.

 

When you say exerting discipline, in what way do you mean? I need to ask these questions to identify what key elements you are referring to. Having OCD you’d think I would understand the discipline concept, :unsure: . I don’t but my Oma (grandma in German) does, I think she herself has OCD. My OCD and SPD constantly conflict her OCD. It is so frustrating hearing this being said, discipline sounds very harsh. How would I be able control myself that way without hurting myself in the process? Looking inwards and taking a more disciplined look at myself. I can’t help it, it sounds so much like Oma.

 

As for communicating my ideas better, am I describing things in a way that people don’t understand? I try my best to describe my difficulties as best as I can, am I describing too expressively and creatively?

 

I always try to find new skills to unlock more interests to have a greater chance in making friends. I think that if I unlock those skills I could have some common ground with the person I would be talking to.

 

I already keep trying to keep a record of everything I write and receive on my computer in some shape or form. I have been told by my old English home tutor in the past and my mum that I should try writing a book. It does sound appealing, although, this is a concept that sounds very difficult to me. Where would I start, how would I finish? I respond better when asked questions then just writing out of thin air as I can go through every possible answer I have and deduce the best way of explaining. I think I should take the words I use on this forum along with all the other written resources I have elsewhere and combine them somehow, I think it is a lot harder than it sounds, :unsure: . The flowing of thoughts I have is difficult to control, once it’s out it’s out, :unsure: .

 

Hmm, it’s funny you should say that people can get blasted away by what I write. I think I have been told similar things to that by people before, :unsure: . Everyone I talk or write to says how well I write. I don’t know how to reply any clearer than how I have been.

 

Condensing and constructing my words is a major difficulty I have. When my ideas and thoughts pop into my head, I just feel the need to flood it all out of me. Condensing what I write is very difficult. I feel if I don’t explain things in detail then people will be unable to understand me. Does explaining things in detail contradict that theory? That can cut deep in my heart. I worry over such things a lot.

 

I am not competitive at all. I will always worry over how well I have done, and always be extremely self-critical of myself. Sometimes I think I have a lack of energy. My energy gets so put into explaining that it makes me exhausted. If I don’t though I could get misunderstood, isn’t that worse? Other than my mum, it has always been difficult explaining my difficulties to my family. My Oma says those same words “there’ll come a time when you’ll get so fed up that you will want to do something”. She also says “you need to get out there and mix with people”. They are fair words, but to me, coming onto this forum is my way of getting fed up and wanting to mix with people, only like minded people, that could relate to me.

 

I can understand the interest in trying to make an impact on the world. Maybe I should redirect my words to a more impacting place. I think I may need help here, because if writing a book could be that way, then I think I’d need some guidance. I do not know where such a place exists; I thought talking about my difficulties here would be a way.

 

How would I put discipline and systems into my life? I don’t understand. This approach is sounding dangerously close to my Oma’s perspective. I never could understand that concept how would I achieve such an objective? Being a more disciplined person sounds such a neurotypical idea to me.

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LancsLad   

Loads of questions lets see if we can make some more progress and find some common ground.

 

Ichigo I very strongly believe we are all different and as such we have no idea really if what we experience in life and the answers we find will relate to and work for someone else. What I do think is possible is that we share similar traits to other human beings and so we might be close together in some ways. The responsibility therefore is for people to take ideas and concepts and try and see if they can fit into their own experiences and if there is a feeling that they might be worth thinking about a bit more. I am saying this because I am not trying to give you answers rether things to think about for yourself. I am pleased you have come back to this post rather than start another one, that shows discipline on your part and I am greatefull for that as I know some of this is not very easy for you.

 

A good point to make at this point is that scientists are only just starting to get some strong ideas as to how a typical human brain might work. Humans can walk on the moon but we are not too clear how our minds work is the truth. In speaking for myself I can accept due to genetic factors, being born not breathing for some minutes, or maybee its something else my brain might not work as a typical brain. As I have got older this has become more and more apparent to me. One of the aspect I am pretty sure I share with you and others is that I find it difficult to create thoughts in closed loops. I think the majority of people I know you can ask them a question, they think about it, then give an answer, end of story. At this point their brain can realx or they can think of something else. I know my brain does not work like that.

 

In trying to find common ground and explaining what this is like for me let me use this analogy. A song could be playing on the radio and someone asks who is that by, there is a simple answer to this the name of the artist, question over with. My mind does not work like that. If asked the similar question because of the way I suspect my neurological pathways are arranged I believe I have to go through a crazy neurological route to find the answer. In doing so I tend to pick up all sorts of other information. In this scenario it might be, which album the track is off, what other albums did the artist produce, who was the producer, which other bands was the artist in, what genre of music is this, who might be their key influences, what record label is it published on etc...... In my experience it is all there in front of me and I then have to pick out the answer. A lot of the time getting all this information amounts to pieces in a jigsaw. For a lot of people they might get information in small chunks so its like finding a single jigsaw piece. There is no real point in speculating on the bigger picture, its just one piece it could be part of anything. The problem I have is when you get about 25 pieces of information and pictures start to emerge. For me there is a big draw in throwing one piece back into my brain because I know it will generate not one but possibly another 25 pieces of key information. Once I get started it is hard to stop as there is a compulsion to find out what the picture is about and then to try and simply build and build.

 

Some people when they experience this explosion of thought see people as being creative, to be honest you could also describe it as being quite destructive as well so how can opposites both be true? I think what these two words creativity and destructivity both have in common is that they require a lot of energy. When I look at myself I know I can be both of these things and that to be honest my default position is one of being destructive. If we look at a Van Gough painting is it a creative or a destructive force we are witnessing? Some of his well known work such as 'Sunflowers' might be seen as creative in exploring yellow and orange hues, as such it is an accessible piece of work. His most powerfull works though I would arguee are generated from a really destructive energy in his life. They are pure expressionism of what he was seeing and feeling and have great value. I think at times we can find an outlet for this energy in our mind, in fact it is important we do because simply trying to contain it creates enormous stress. When I try to hold on to this type of thought energy I often get severe migranes, In practical terms I suspect this is simple chemical burrnout or chemical dehydration on a large scale in my brain. We are a long way off proving such things but there might be some truth in this reflection at some point in the future. Individuals get rid of this energy as you say through different mediums, writting, painting, drawing, singing. It is important that you find a way to get your thought processes out of your mind.

 

If someone were to look at my own personal sketchbooks they might come to the conclusion that I am very intelligent, talented, possibly gifted a word I hate. The truth is there is a lot of angst and pain involved in what goes into these books. For me a lot of the time it is not about drawing a pretty picture but feels more like throwing up to get rid of something powerfull which is in my body and making me feel a bit sick. Ichigo does this sort of anxiety and feeling of wanting to be sick ring true with you when you describe your intense thought processes?

 

For me the problem is very few people will ever understand what it is like to feel this way. There are times in my life when I have wanted to commit suicide. These times have been pretty empty of thought and emotion. The driving force in these times was wanting to simply turn my brain off, feeling I could not cope with its energies a minute longer. In these times I would have given away all my skills and abilities just for an hours peace of mind with nothing going on in it. To be able to look at a tree and just see a tree. Not to have to think about what influence the prevailing weather conditions have played in creating its form, what subterenean influences are at play, to speculate on its age and its current health condition, to speculate on the other life forms it supports, anything to simply see a tree. The point I am making is very few people ever understand the pain and as I have got older I have understood they never will.

 

If we can accept most people will never understand how our brains work because you can not understand what you can not experience, then we have to make choices based on this realisation.

 

The first choice is to try and hold onto this energy which is highly destructive. The next option is to find an outlet as I have described and simply to throw it up and produce massive volumes of contet. The value in this I believe is not to others but to ourselves in getting it out of our heads to relaease pressure. I think this is a case of taking something which is potentially destructive and simply neutralising it through action be it writting, drawing, etc......

 

If we want to take this energy further and transform it into something creative then by its deffinition we have to 'create' something. I think this is where things get difficult for many people. If we are to create something it should have value. The question is who is to place that value onto our creations?

 

I think what I try and do in my life is to move that value point away from my core experiences and try and relate to what others might see as being valuable. Someone like Van Gough did not do this he saw value in simply throwing up his ideas onto canvas. These have massive value but he did not live long enough to see any of this. If Van Gough had decided to be a 'commercial' artist would he have had a better life, I doubt it some individuals are simply tortured souls it is what drives them. Ichigo can you find a means of utilising your abilities and for others to find value in them, that is ahard question only you will be able to answer over time.

 

I know for myself this is a very difficult balancing act. If I look for commercial value in a lot of my work it feels like a massive compromise, its like I am selling my sould for material benefits and in denial about my strong ethical stance on so many issues. By making a decision to not work for material benefits I have found a more liberating position for myself and am pretty confident what I do today will have real value in 10 years time. What this position enables me to do is create something tangiable, it puts a discipline into the process which says there must be an outcome, you need to make choices and reach some conclusions. This is a very different position than simply throwing up ideas on a daily basis though that is where all thought origonate from. By imposing on myself different ways of working I have done something very important in respect to how my brain works on a daily basis.

 

What I have said to my brain is that it is ok for you to be in constant thought, I respect your abilities, however there will be times when I want organisation, clarity, analysis, decision making elemnts from you. Because I am giving it different roles I believe over time as my brain has developed it has decided to lay down information in more structured patterns. I get a very strong sense in this. In the first half of my working life I opperated in a number of sectors (see personal profile) mainly education. In the last few years I have introduced completely new elements into my life mainly landscape architecture. When I have to tap into old information from a few years back it feels very different more disorganised less structured. When I go back to my teenage years it is chaotic yet still very powerfull. The point I am making here is I beleive my brain has responded to the demands I have placed on it over time. As I have expected it to be more disciplined it has responded in that way. When all I wanted to be was an anarchist in my teenage years it was a very emotional brain and rather disorganised and lacking in any structure.

 

I think I will leave it there for now and see what your thoughts are.

 

Hope this makes some sense.

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Sorry, this is a long response, you’ve given me a lot to work on, and when emotions flare, I feel I need to explain, I can’t stop. I also feel I need to answer everyone that writes to me.

 

Well, I am always open to ideas, I just have a difficulty finding the right one, :unsure: . I’m sorry, :( . It might take some time, I think.

 

Yes, to take each point from each person’s ideas and concepts and meld them some way into my own life. I suppose that is why I take note of what others have said. When I say I have an open mind, I try to pick up on each point and judge them with my own experience. As I said, I need to find fail safe approaches. I don’t wish to have another emotional breakdown. If I am pushed into a situation that I cannot cope with then I may have another. I am happy to receive responses to my questions, though it is difficult to find a way where my mind agrees with it. As it is my responsibility to work out whether the advice can fit into my own life, then this can be quite difficult. I am faced with the fact that my past does dictate my future. My past is not a lie, it is true. To deny it and say that I need to run away from the past and focus on the future, I find that suicidal. Don’t we learn from past dilemmas and try to find solutions with them for the future? Surely we shouldn’t run headlong into danger, especially if we have some experience for when things go wrong. The problem is my mind sees every response as a contradiction to my past. I don’t know how to accept the advice. Maybe I should take parts from everyone’s responses and try to connect them in some way to my own, I don’t know. If I do then this may take quite a long time to find an answer, and even then I don’t know if it will work. I’m worried that my difficulty with settling on a subject may push people away.

 

Yes, as I have already said before, my mind can’t settle on an answer either. I cannot just stop and say it will work when I have no firm way of confirming it works and my past is my wisdom. I always analyse both from the past and a philosophical approach. My mind is always considering each answer and creating a comeback. It never settles until it knows something works. Perhaps it’s a defensive mechanism. I sometimes think there is no end in my questions, I always need to judge if something works.

 

I find that when someone asks me something I feel I need to explain things so fully that the background is included as well all because I want people to understand me, not to misjudge. If a subject is not explained fully then the other person will take on an approach that doesn’t suit my situation. Yes, every person is different, but I hope the more I explain the more people can find similarities, and then hopefully provide a more suitable answer, I don’t know how else to approach this. My mind approaches objects, principles, news, basically anything that could affect my future and if it can’t find a solution, then pain ensues. To be honest, the main subject I can relate to the information overload would have to be my interest in Romance of the Three Kingdoms of Chinese history. I don’t know the dates very well, but as for the order at which things took place, then I am quite good. I can tell sections from the Yellow Turban Rebellion, Dong Zhou’s uprising, Lu Bu’s fight with Liu Bei and Cao Cao, the battle of Red Cliff etc. It is in subjects like that that my mind goes crazy and puts people to sleep, the interest I have in animé certainly did with my uncle. So, basically, I try to avoid the subjects like that so that I don’t cause that to happen. I don’t know the subject fully but I know a lot, so much so that it is difficult to talk about. I question everything about as much as I would drive people crazy over my knowledge.

 

Yes, because talking about our interest is so explosive to other people. They cannot see things in our point of view and find it too much to take, that is why I am trying to find like minded people who have a common interest that we could talk about and start a friendship. The common ground can be based on that interest; I am looking for people that share a like minded interest to me. Someone who listens and responds on my level, who doesn’t find my interest to be destructive and yet still sees it as creative. That is someone I am looking for. I am searching here now for people like that. I don’t know if I’ll be successful, but I am always willing to try, providing it doesn’t go against my mind, :unsure: . Yes, I can understand that the paintings by Van Gogh in the more destructive part of life may have some strong emotions behind them. It’s emotion over standard art practice. The energy for you in your pursuits being the strong emotions I find in my interests, yes? The emotion and passion behind what you’re interested in. Holding onto thoughts is what I did throughout school; I didn't find I had the right words to express myself. Now that I do, I feel I need to find someone with a common interest to myself online. To be able to talk to those on the spectrum that have similar feelings to me may be a good way of letting out those thoughts to stem the migraines, yes? Hmm, ways to let the thought processes out of my mind, yes, I have thought this was a pursuit I thought I should go down. My words seem to be so expressive and descriptive, so maybe I should pursue the way I write and keep improving it. I don’t mind writing, what I mind is if people can understand me, :unsure: .

 

Well, if I was to withhold my emotions, feelings and anxieties. Then being sick inside of me could be a possibility. The need to flow my thoughts can be quite strong. I suppose if I describe it in a more creative approach then it could be like I have taps inside me that if they are turned off then I could burst. My head feels like it could implode if I don’t let out my feelings. If I don’t find reassurance and encouragement, then I would only be getting more angst and pain. I need to be able to flow my difficulties out there so that I can find someone that can relate to me. I find pursuing life, saying I have no problems and coming across many obstacles and saying “I will do my best and this won’t affect me, because of my strong will”. I find those obstacles practically impossible, it would be wrong to say that. If I find people that can relate to my difficulties, so that I can let out steam and receive help wherever possible then that is something I suppose I am trying to do.

 

Hmm, talking about suicide is pretty deep but, yes, I suppose I can understand when you feel that your mind works so strongly then it is hard. I can get very overloaded myself. It is hard to cope with, I worry over everything that could affect my future, and my future will always be there in my eye. I just need to find the right way to solidify my future into a brighter way that my mind can settle with. I can imagine how difficult that must sound. Being young I want to try to make the most of my future so that I do not waste it. It has to pass my mind first; if it doesn’t then I could be put through hell, and that is something I need to avoid at all costs.

 

Yes, I agree fully, those that do not experience what we experience will have a greater difficulty understanding as their lives are so different from our own. As the spectrum is so vast it may take a very long time before people start to truly understand how life is for us. The more people explain their difficulties, and then maybe in time (when I cannot say), people may start to see a pattern. I cannot be sure though, it is just an observation.

 

Hmm, yes, an outlet, I suppose I have been considering many different ways. In writing and my thoughts, maybe I should channel them through documents and webcam videos, to myself, so that I can use them in time, when needed. The problem is that I’ll need to find the right questions to answer. As for my design work, I suppose I need to add more colours to display my moods, and maybe shape them to a form that suit my worries. Expressive artwork, hmm, yes that is a good objective. In my other interests, well, I suppose with animé, manga, Japanese music and games, I could try to find people that share those interests. Romance of the Three Kingdoms and the Sengoku period may be a lot harder though.

 

Yes, value in art in general is a difficult one, if a bed with messy clothes on it sells for billions but an expressive drawing sells for pittance then value is judged by people’s tastes. It could be difficult juggling between emotional expression and a person’s tastes. Balancing commercial and expressive art is a tricky one. When I sold my artwork in the craft village that requested I work in there when I couldn’t, I got a monthly account telling me what customers preferred. I could work on that, use my emotional expression but still try to keep close to people’s tastes. In writing, I can try my best to collect all the resources I have and meld it together, I doubt it will be easy but it may be the best way.

 

Yes, betraying ones values is a bad life choice. I will try my best to see if I can connect the two in some way. I will put my points of view in a more constructed form, either by diary, webcam videos, etc. I’ll try my best to follow this advice, thank you, :) . It may take time to achieve though.

 

Laying information into more structured patterns, you say that you find putting notes on paper and then digital form is a way that helps you. Then I suppose online diaries, webcam videos, etc. is my way of forming structured patterns, yes?

 

Being an anarchist, :lol: , I cannot agree with a lot of things that the government are sending out, it is disgraceful. I don’t think I can ever forget the wrongs the government are sending out but I understand that I need to express my emotions through my art, in whatever form.

 

Thank you, your advice is helpful, :) ; I can certainly work on some of this.

Edited by Ichigo Kurosaki

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LancsLad   

Thanks for the toughtfull response Ichigo.

 

In the early part of this last post you make connections between your past and your future. You see them as being very closely tied together, as if they seem to have to follow some set of common rules. I can understand this but get a feeling that you feel if anything is to have any validity in the future it somehow has to be strongly linked to your past, otherwise this will not be the 'right' answer in trying to answer the question of 'life'. Whe your past is full of some much confussion, stress, anxiety and pain I think this is a very problematic beat yourself up philosophy to take. It takes a line that your future has to be difficult for it to have any true value.

 

I think our past experiences are very important because in hindsight we can reflect on them and make a concious decision. We can decide that approach to live worked well for me and so it might be an idea to incorporate similar approaches in developing what I do in future. In some ways what is more valuable is saying that approach did not work for me. This is a hard way to learn lessons but I need to do so, in future I am going to try and incorporate alternative strategies to see if things work better for me.

 

My personal philosophy is that I am a life long learner, and the more I do and as a result possibly the more mistakes I make the more I will learn through experience. I have a strong belief, some might call it a faith, that if i work hard on myself and am also reflective and honest things will constantly improve in my life. For sure it is not a straight line linear progression, rather it is a twisting pathway which at times has to negotiate obstacles in life, but I get a strong sense I am going in a very good direction and am travelling through a very interesting landscape.

 

I think our mental attitude affects so many things in our lives. At times if we focus too much on our past we can become self consumed in pity about our circumstances. I think there is a time to say I had those experiences, these are the lessons I learn't from that period of my life, I can go back when I am more mature and see if I can learn anything else but for the time being I am looking forwards and moving on.

 

Another aspect of your reply is that it seems as if you are trying to find people just like you who experience your interests in a similar way. I ask the question is this realistic?

 

Ichigo I can understand this desire. We spend our formative years slowly coming to a realisation that we are different, and often this feels like very different. When i was younger I came across a Genesis record track which summed up my emotions very well, I was 11 years of age at the time. I yearned for this magical place where the inhabitants of a golden city would be just like me, but I simply felt like a beast who could talk.

 

 

There came a point in my life where i realised I could not find a golden city and so came to an acceptance that this was the world in which I lived and whilst I often felt as if i was a very different and unique species in this world I would adapt and make a positive life here for myself. Because of things such as the internet this world has started to open up and it might be the case that there are people out there 'just like me' and we can make connections. In speaking for myself without such connections over many years I have become a very independent and adapted soul into this world, is that a good thing or a bad thing, my personal feelings are that I happy with it being that way, but I am bound to be biased.

 

In answering the question was it realistic to find others such as me, I came to the conclusion no it wasn't and settled on that position. In doing so I started to value my unique aspects as I saw them not as a device of isolation but rather one of liberation. In short I started to palce value onto myself, not in being arrogant but in looking at the things I achieved and understanding they were of a good standard a lot of the time if not better than that. It might be possible however to find others just like ourselves but in doing so we need to ask questions what are their values and are they in our best interests.

 

I have a big worry over this point in the future. We are creating a sub cultural society based around AS as an example. Individuals are grouped together in specialist school environments as starting points and I am concerned where this 'groupthink' mentality might lead in future. I would hate to see groups of Aspies sitting around all day in social groups struggling to communicate with each other simply sharing negative emotions about their plight in society. I am not saying this will happen what I am saying is question what you might be looking for.

 

The last point concerns how we get our thoughts out. A big point I was making is that there needs to be a level which is intensly personal I feel. This level is the initial dumping ground for thoughts and ideas, the level no body else sees. I like your idea of webcam videos as a recording medium but am concerened if the intention is to then put them out there for other people to look at. When it comes to recording thoughts I have a digital dictaphone. I can put this on my desk or carry it easily if out for a walk and simply record hours of content which I save as a sound file into my computer. Some of these thoughts can be exracted and put into my digital project folders if needed an I think they are important. The point being there are stages in the process for me and finding the comments, cutting them out to create a digital sound file and placing them into a project folder supported by text, diagrams or sketches is part of the filtering and discipline process. I could see videocam material providing an excellent source in a similar process better adapted to your own learning, thinking and creating styles Ichigo.

 

If there is a danger here I feel it is having unrealistic expectations of finding people just like you. Of simply throwing your ideas out there en mass without editing them. This for me is very much a take me or leave me attitude and a process I suspect you might feel rejected by in the end. It may be the case that there are people like you but they will want to feel that there is a relationship to be had at the end of the day even if it is about a singular shared interest. Relationships are about compromise and negotiation and as such there has to be give an take. Without a level of control in your life I do feel you are in danger of pushing people away because they might be scared of the emotional and creative energy you give off. There are people like us in this world but they might be few and far between, as such they are a precious resource not just for society but importantly for ourselves. We have to be very carefull that we do not alienate ourselves from that precious resource and that takes a lot of thought, self reflection and judgement on our part. This is not about being in denial about the person within rather of having a quiet confidence in ourselves giving a flavour of ourselves to others as a greeting card. The big question then is what do I do with all this excess energy, my personal answer to that is to have a very intense and creative relationship with yourself because in my experience I am the one who really understands what I am on about even if nobody else does. Being able to get to this level with ourselves I find is the really difficult proposition, it takes a lot of time, when we do I have found our relationships with the rest of the world seem to take care of themselves.

 

Just a few more thoughts.

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Since yesterday, I have started putting down my thoughts and memories down on a word document, and I am progressing steadily with that. It may take some time to complete, but one step at a time. Thank you for your advice, :) , I have taken what you have said and am now starting to plot my thoughts down.

 

As for finding someone that is a like minded person, it may not sound realistic, but it doesn’t really matter if they are exactly the same as me. Just as long as they are kind, friendly, genuine, understanding, caring, reassuring, and make me feel at ease talking to and have at least one shared interest, then I think that is enough.

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