Help and Opinions Wanted On My Symptoms

[VANDERLEI]

Hello everybody, I have been lurking here for a while trying to gather as much info as possible on how Aspergers seems to affect different folk in the varying different ways. I have always known that my brain works differently to other people and the reason for this thread is to try and get as much feedback and objective opinion as possible from other people who have experienced the "character differences" that I have always had and struggled to make sense of. I have been suffering with depression for a few years now and currently take 20mg Citalopram which I am now reducing the dose to bring myself off them as they don't seem to be helping me and I have strong suspicions they are a factor in a intestinal problem I am suffering with and currently undergoing diagnostic treatment for.

 

After reading many forums and articles on Apsergers, I have become pretty convinced that this could be the reason I am the way I am. I will now post a list of symptoms or possible symptoms in the hope there are others out there that can identify and offer their thoughts on my behaviours and thought patterns.

 

Childhoood

 

*I was very quick to learn to read, I'm pretty sure I could read before I started school. I just found words easy to decipher. I was always seen as an intelligent child.

 

*I always had a compulsion to bite my nails. And peel of skin around my nails, fingers and cuticles.

 

* From an early age probably about 6 or 7, I began suffering with what I can only describe as Meltdowns or Flash Anger which were triggered by unusual stimuli. For example, through out my life, if my dad started to sing, hum or whistle, I would have a extreme volatile reaction where it felt like my brain had caught fire and became so enraged that I would have a such a violent out burst screaming at him to shut his mouth. Obviously this became noticed by friends of my parents and other family members. I am now 34 and am still unable to handle my dad singing without becoming severely enraged and shouting at him to "shut the **** up". I cannot explain why this angers me so much but the only way I could explain how it feels is like there is a volcano about to erupt in my brain.

 

*This was the first example of this type of behaviour that I can remember but then after not so long after I developed the same reaction when my younger brother (by 5 years) would put his fingers in his mouth. If I saw this happen, I would force him to stop, but the volcano that would quickly build inside if he didn't and erupt. If he stopped, then the volcano would steady and slowly dissipate. Again, this is something that even as an adult has not improved or faded.

 

*The next manifestation of the volcano was when we moved house and my parents moved my brother into my bedroom in a double bed because of fairly severe night terrors and disturbances he we having. This was fine but the next volcanic rage trigger emerged. He would have to lie flat so as not to create a rise or bump in the duvet. If he put his knees up, then he would be swiftly ordered to put them down otherwise an eruption was not going to be too far away. Since then I have only shared a bed with my wife (under differing circumastances of course but this is not a problem with her or when my 3 little daughters get in with us)

 

* I was always a very fussy eater and very sensitive to anything salty and bitter. I never liked anything salty, and would also be very sensitive to lots of textures and tastes. I would get out of eating certain things at school by claiming I was allergic (this was from about the age of 6 or 7 from what I can remember).

 

*I could not stand certain sensations (a few examples were, the stitching on socks has to be run parallel across the top of my foot and could press against my toes otherwise i would feel a meltdown coming on. It was not the same intense rage i felt from "Dad singing or brother putting fingers in mouth", but it was more intense frustration and a crawling skin sensation. Other things that would cause this reaction with me would be:

 

- Prune hands from going in the shower or bath. I would and still have to clench my fists for hours to reduce the horrific sensation I get from this. As my hands these days are painfull and sensitive to any presssure, i now tend to hold a tv remote in each hand as the flat glossy plastic feels much better than having them exposed to air.

 

-If a teacher patted me or touched me on the head, It would also frustrate me and feel and have a similar effect. Obviously, this wasn't as noticeable because the sensation was over much quicker and was a less frequent occurence.

 

- Clothes had to be comfortable, I couldn't stand a tag rubbing against me, or certain textures against my skin. I'm guessing most people will put up with this but with me, it would consume me where I could not focus on anything else apart from the sensation that was causing such frustration and physical and emotional discomfort.

 

*Socially, I found being around others difficult and found that connecting with other children was a chore. It was something I avoided. I wasn't bullied as I always had the ability to stand my ground and wouldn't allow myself to become picked on. From an early age I became obsessed with combat sports and martial arts. I started with an obsession of Bruce Lee and his films but then got into martial arts (Karate, Judo and then Boxing and Kickboxing ), so I was always confident in being able to handle myself among these other "strange" children. People knowing that I wasn't an easy target tended to avoid confrontations with me. I did find that I could make friends but struggled to make lasting realtionships. I wanted friends, and to fit in but I always felt like I was on the outside and quite alien. As I grew older and developed, I found ways of intergrating and appearing more "normal" and made various friends through school but this was because I had learned ways to appear normal when in reality, I struggled to relate to what is required from a 2 way friendship. Once again, though while the social aspect was difficult at the time, it wasn't anywhere near as problematic for me as the internal volcano of inappropriate anger.

 

*I have always been very singleminded and obsessive when it came to my interests. If I became interested in something, it would consume me to the point that I would have to learn as much knowledge about a subject as possible and become a walking fountain of knowledge. This actually intensified the older I got but even at an early age. From He-Man to Transformers in my early years then on to computer games, Michael Jackson (glad I never got to go to Neverland in retrospect), Martial Arts, I would always be obsessed with one thing, lose interest and become entirely consumed with another interest.

 

*While I was intelligent and articulate for my age, I did have a stutter which developed, I still stutter slightly to this day and also seem to spit and dribble If I get heated. This was never a major thing and don't think my parent ever looked into this but I have always had problems talking about things that I deem "important" in a calm manner. I have been told as an adult that I talk very fast and overwhelm people, I don't realise this until they comment. If I look at myself on video talking, I can then see what people mean. I've made a conciense effort to address this, but it just seems futile and out of my control.

 

 

 

Teen Years and Adulthood

 

* I can go months having the same thing to eat for dinner. One example would be I ate homemade chinese food every night for about 18 months. I have done the same thing with homemade curry and various other foods. No variety, no problem.

 

*I have to have a lipsyl with me at all times. I often buy numerous ones to keep in different rooms of my house.

 

*I hate accepting drinks at other peoples house as I don't know whether their cups/glasses are clean enough or whether the quality of the drink on offer is "satisfatory" to my standards!

 

*I don't drink alcohol regularly as if I have one drink, I feel the need to keep drinking. I would wake up the next morning and want to carry on so I avoid it. I only crave it when I have had the first drink. I smoke cannabis, it helps me to destress and numb my over active senses.

 

*I have horrible insomnia at the moment. Brain chatter is a major problem for me, my mind races all of the time but more so when stressed, anxious or depressed. Once Im asleep, I can sleep for long periods but getting into a routine is extremely difficult for me. I don't seem to be fully awake until the evenings.

 

*I am addicted to Diet Coke. I have to take a bottle to bed with me, most nights I don't wake up for a drink but need it there just in case. I would also take this with me if visiting somebody. To be without it feels like i'm missing a limb.

 

*The flash anger and meltdowns are still present but since I have more control over my life as an adulthood, I can minimise exposure to cetain triggers, but still at 34 years of age, I could still be sitting in a room full of people friends, family or anyone and if my dad started to sing, hum, whistle, I would be unable to refrain from exploding and launching a verbal tirade, embarrasing myself and my family. The embarassment is not nice but nothing in comparison to the effect the singing would have on me. New triggers have developed.... snoring is intolerable and enrages me, this obviously causes problems as I am constantly having a go at my wife about it asking her to sleep on her side which seems to reduce the snoring significantly. Snoring to me is the equivalent of somebody rhythmically setting off an annoying sounding firework constantly in my ears. I wait for the snore and with it the wave of frustration and anger that washes over me. I have to sleep with the TV on and a Fan to drown out offending noise. If it's to cold to have a fan blowing on me, i turn it round to blow at the wall.

 

*I also have developed an obsession with my dogs eating bits of food off the floor. I cannot stand it and cannot tolerate it. It never used to be an issue, but myself and my wife lost a dog in 2009 which caused me to slip into a depression which I don't think I ever came out of. Maybe this gestapo behaviour towards my dogs is out of fear of the same thing happening but as a result, I become over the top and react inappropraitely to the situation. I know this but feel powerless to do anything about it. I don'ty have a switch in my brain where I can shut out these intense urges and feelings.

 

*I have become quite reclusive and it is noticed by people close to me, that I do not like leaving my house. This is true, I do prefer to be in my own domain with my precious 50" Panasonic ST30 and other prized possessions which seem to be more important to me than attempting to be something i'm not around people. Whenever I am around my wifes family for get togethers, I feel like a square peg in a round hole. Just completely awkward and out of place. I can converse with people and have learned to push the awkward feeling away by controlling the conversations. Once again, the social akwardness is most definately there with me but is not as noticable as my other traits as I have learned to appear somewhat "normal", although I no that many people who know me or meet me, tend think i'm a little off or hardwork to deal with.

 

*Anything I purchase, whether it's a TV, PC, Graphics Card, Car, Bed, I have to educate myself on the various options to the extreme. I would hate to buy something within a budget knowing that I could have got something better, because I would lose interest in what I'd have bought and be consumed with my next mission to obtain the new and better alternative, to satisfy my craving. I have been consumed to aquire things in the past only to never use them. I just needed to have them on hand just in case I ever did need to use them. This could be considered planning ahead and normal, but the way I let the desire for said things take over certainly isn't. If I have no immediate physical need for something then why do I have such a strong emotional need for it?

 

* I bite my nails and cuticles down to nothing. Obviously this becomes very painful at times. I also bite the skin off my fingers where skin meets nails. I do this more when nervous or anxious but it is not restricted to these times.

 

* I pace uncontrollably. If i'm on the phone focusing on something, I often end up it random places in my house withou knowing how I got there. I also can't stand still, I sway from side to side again, I don't know i'm doing it until somebody makes a comment.

 

*I cannot stop bouncing my knee and feet. It just seems to feel normal. I used to crack my fingers and joints until I started suffering from arthiritic type pain, that slowly stopped over time.

 

*I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. For example, typing this post, I have to stop when my kids become noisier or the television is on. I have problems filtering out background noise. The only way I can learn something seems to be from repetition. I have to re-read something many times, before it becomes stored in my head.

 

*I have major problems with authority. Going and working for an employer is just something that I cannot face. I have to be in control of myself and if somebody tells me to do something that I am not 100% in agreement with then it will cause me to confront that person which obviously doesn't go down well. I like my own routines, I cannot face routines set by other people. I am registered as self employed and have been able to setup businesses in the past which have done well initially but the desire to carry on with things dissapates and things tend to fall apart quickly.

 

*A business I set up with my brother and Dad a few years ago, turned into a disaster and the actions that they took towards me, shutting me out and reneging on the 3 way equal share agreements, has caused me to become estranged from them. The way I am makes it difficult to repair damage and I won;t go into the details of this situation in great deal as I think there are many other things that are more related to potential apsergers than a horrible situation that as affected my "normal" wife in the same way as me. Aspergers or not, this situation would send anyone into a dark place. This has been a major factor towards my depression. I seem to be more prone to episodes of depression the older I get.

 

*I have a unusual sense of humour. I often make jokes that I am told are not appropriate to help deal with awkward social situations. I am not easily offended when it comes to humour, but have trouble understanding that others may be.

 

*I am often accused of being rude and difficult, something I just don't see or agree with. That being said, it wouldn't be bought to my attention so regularly if wasn't true. It's not that I don't think before I speak, I just say what I feel. I have learned somewhat to reign this trait in but at times, that can be very difficult. When I look back in retrospect I can then understandy why i could be interpreted that way/ One example from over the weekend....

 

 

 

"I called the local pizza delivery place and ordered the usual thing, at the end of the call they informed me that the prices had gone up by £2.00, I requested that they honor the initial price that we had always paid. They tried to compromise and knock a pound off, resulting in just a £1.00 increase, I told them that was not acceptable and they should keep the price the same for me being a fairly regular customer. They wouldn't so I simply said 'Forget it then and hung up on them' more than likely burning bridged for myself and my family to order from them again'. This angered my wife who couldn't understand why I reacted this way.

 

This was not a particularly bothering example but it is very symptomatic on how I react in that kind of situation. If feel a sense of unfairness or injustice aimed at me or someone I care about then I can't let go. It becomes warfare.

 

*I think of myself as being honest to a fault. I am often told it is impossible to win an argument against me as I use facts and examples of contradictive behaviour against people. I have a great long term memory and a terrible short term memory. I can remember conversations word for word, and also keep evidence of any interactions via email to support future argments that may arise. I can easily expose people for having double standards by providing evidence of such behaviour but struggle to accept that the other party will not concede that I am right and they are wrong. If I am wrong, I am happy to admit it and don't tend to feel embarrasment or anxiety as a result. I feel as though a line should be drawn under it if I admit a mistake and everyone should move on.

 

*I hate double standards or hypocrisy. I cannot ever swallow my pride even if their is an upside to doing so. My principles feel more important than my happiness. I will never knowingly act in a hypocritical manner and will always point out to people if they do.

 

These are just a few examples of how my brain works and has worked since a child. I know that I have some kind of disorder/difference, and Apergers seems to be a light at the end of a confusing tunnel that would explain why I act the way I do by having answers and knowing that there are lots of others who have similar issues and that I'm not just a freak of nature. Pretending to be normal, has been a requirement for me over the years, but I find it to be mentally exhausting. I have demanded a referal to see the Aspergers Team at the QE Hospital, Birmingham and am awaiting an appointment. I also have recently seen a psychiatrist, who was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I really would appreciate as many opinions from people familiar with Aspergers and give their opinions as to whether the selection of traits and behaviours I mentioned fit into Aspergers or whether it could be something else. I'm not asking anybody to diagnose me, but I do find that the best source of info is normally from people who live and breathe these issues not from clueless GP's or arrogant medical practioners who have studied the subject rather than lived it.

 

The only people I feel comfortable with are my wife and girls. They seem to be exempt from my lack of empathy (it's quite the opposite with them as I am overly protective and involved with them). I would often meet girls growing up, they would always initiate, but despite them being "attractive" to my friends and family, there was never a connection, in fact it was closer to repulsion. I still had sexual desire, but when it came down to it, I didn;t want it to be with them. My wife is the only girl I ever met, that I was truly attracted to visually and emotionally. She is the true definition of a soulmate, as she supports and loves me despite my odd personality.

 

If anybody would like me to clarify anything or ask me questions, I am happy to answer honestly. I just need to try and understand myself better at this stage in my life.

Edited February 11, 2013 by VANDERLEI

[Lyndalou]

Hi Vanderlei

 

Thank you for your very honest and detailed first post. Welcome to the forum.

 

From what you are describing, it would appear that you have some major sensory difficulties particularly in relation to sounds and visual issues. There may be various techniques that you could try (I don't know what you may have tried already?) in order to lessen the impact of the sensory problems you have, reducing your stress and improving your relationships with those around you. If you are always on your guard against 'erupting' then you are probably always hyper aware of how you are coming across or worrying about how other people are viewing you.

 

A lot of the time these days I wear earplugs to bed and there are times that I wear them through the day if I feel particularly irritated by small noises. I wear them at times on public transport too. It is a simple way just to lessen the impact of house noises (including hubby snoring which I do find particularly annoying), children shouting, clocks ticking etc. There are even noises in the environment which you can be totally unaware of but you can feel irritated for some reason you can't explain. I used to often joke that I picked up radio signals but in actual fact I do at times 'tune in' to different frequencies that perhaps others can't. Over the course of the day, if you are bombarded constantly by things that you find irritating or upsetting then there can be a cumulative effect. Bear in mind, I am only talking about sounds here. If a person has difficulties in all the other senses too then the same cumulative effect can apply to them too.

 

It does sound like you have a major problem with anxiety. If you are 'self-medicating' with cannabis, bear in mind that a side effect can be paranoia over time and I believe it can also cause sleep problems. It may even have the effect of heightening your senses still further! A former boyfriend of mine had major problems with anxiety and anger management and became very dependant on this drug, eventually admitting himself into hospital as the paranoia overwhelmed him and he would be shouting at random strangers in the street and was completely unable to control his temper. I think there are much safer alternative strategies to manage these problems. I know that in the last 2 years, just knowing that I have difficulties with hearing crying (which could send me into a rage because I just wanted it to stop) means that I am aware that my breathing can change and I can start to feel the other physical symptoms of stress like sweating which I find upsetting. I can take myself out of the room for breathing space, take deeper breaths to stop the stress from building up to unmanageable levels etc.

 

Another thing is, if you are drinking a lot of carbonated drink, this is definitely going to disrupt your sleep and if you are drinking it through the night I would suggest that it could be better to switch to water if you need to rehydrate.

 

It does sound like you have a lot of other issues too related to the spectrum but it might be best to seek some professional advice, especially with regards to your sensory issues and anger management concerns in the shorter term and perhaps requesting an assessment for diagnosis in the longer term. It is fair to say though that there is very little 'help' out there specifically tailored to adults on the spectrum so this is why I'm suggesting it might be best to address the more obvious core concerns you have brought up here which will hopefully make life easier for you.

 

Best Wishes

 

Lynda

[LOUISE1234]

HI

 

I TAKE 20MG OF FLUOXETINE ONCE A DAY 0.5MG OF RISPERIDONE ONE FULL ONE EVERY SECOND NIGHT AND DIAZAPEM ONLY WHEN NEED BE IT IS THE SMALLEST AMOUNT AND THEY ALL CALM YOU DOWN I HAVE TRIED OTHER MEDICATION BUT RISPERIDONE TABLETS ARE THE BEST AND NO SIDE EFFECTS ON ANY OF THESE MEDICATIONS I AM THINKING OF TRYING HERBAL MEDICATION ANY SUGGESTIONS ON IT GOING TO TALK TO MY PYSCHIATRIST ABOUT THIS. I AM ADULT OF 37 AND A HALF.